We talk as I walk.
‘How did your trip to London, go?’
‘It was a success and Livvie was pleased. It’s a big problem solved and the end of the job is in sight. Virtually everything, except two chandeliers, is ready and waiting for the team. Once the painters have finished, the last bit happens relatively quickly. Although it always astounds me how long it takes to unpack the items and have things mounted on walls.’
‘You love what you do and I’m glad of that. I hope you never think we’ve held you back, Ellie. You know, stopped you developing your full potential. But when Rosie is a little older and Hettie has more freedom, you could chase that dream if you wanted to. I hate to think that because of the nature of my job, it always has first priority.’
‘There must be a weird collection of thoughts running around inside your head, Josh. Teamwork is about giving and taking. Besides, I have everything I want right here.’
‘What if Livvie offered you a partnership?’
I lean in to scrutinise his face.
‘Have you been talking about me behind my back, Josh Maddison?’
‘I spoke to Livvie to enquire how her mum was doing and your name happened to crop up. She was sounding me out before approaching you.’
‘Oh, but in the first place you were checking up on me.’
‘Don’t be cross. You know I’ve been worried.’
‘So what did you say to her?’
‘That I would never stand in your way, even if it meant I had to change jobs sooner rather than later, as we’d planned. I mean, would the idea excite you? I want you to feel confident that you can grab what comes your way and not feel you have to rule things out because everything falls on your shoulders. I mean, it does at the moment, but we could change that. If that’s what you want.’
I love you so much, Josh. I wish our life was simpler right now. I wish I could fix everything for everyone and wake up each day safe in the knowledge that I’d made a difference.
‘My answer right now would be no. Not because we couldn’t make it work, but because I don’t want that work-life balance to push me more in one direction than the other until the girls are a little older. In a couple of years’ time you’ll be settled and, hopefully, back home for good. I know Livvie is impressed when I rise to the challenge, but the cost is great. I end up in these situations and I might look confident, but inside I feel like a fraud and that at some point it will be discovered. I walk away in a cold sweat, grateful when it’s over and where’s the joy in that? Yes, I’ve enjoyed the additional responsibility that has come my way but I want to grow my confidence over time. If I take on too much, too quickly, I will feel out of my depth. The truth is that Livvie needs to take on an experienced partner now, and I need to do what is best for us and the girls. Livvie is quite a force and can be very demanding at times. I fear I’d end up letting her down. But if an opportunity comes up in the future, then I’ll feel better placed to grab it and run with it.’
‘Okay, if you are sure. But I’m proud of you, lady. If someone you love asked you to move a mountain, you’d try, wouldn’t you?’
I can’t answer that; it’s too close to the bone right now and my throat has closed over.
He smiles. ‘See you later, alligator.’
I make an enormous effort to sound normal. ‘In a while, crocodile.’
~
I’m in the study. My mobile phone is in the centre of the desk and I’m sitting in darkness, watching the digital clock glowing red like a demon’s eyes.
I pull the iPad out of the drawer. I always put it away the minute I finish talking to Josh. If I leave it within reach, I can’t stop myself from checking in case Max has sent a message. There’s nothing new and I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or something to worry about.
There’s a buzz and the phone lights up, the vibration making it look as if it’s alive.
I clear my throat, press the button and raise it to my ear.
‘Ellie Maddison?’ Aletta’s voice gives away no hint of emotion.
‘Yes.’
‘I thought maybe this was a trap and you hadn’t come into our home to buy anything at all. But I was wrong. I can’t remember you from the villa, but then there were so many guests. And it wasn’t a happy place for me.’
My head is starting to ache and I wish I’d bought some water upstairs with me. My mouth feels dry.
‘I’m sorry about that. I recognised you immediately, but the name made me hesitate for a moment.’
‘Yes. Things have changed. You said it’s wrong to hide. What did you mean?’
I breathe out quietly and then take a deep breath in.
‘I’ve been to Italy recently and the effects of your disappearance still have a very real impact. Even as a visitor, it became very clear that it continues to hang over everyone. Such a shocking incident has divided opinion in the local community. There is persistent gossip and a few insist on believing that Max Ormanni is responsible for you going missing. If it carries on much longer, the police could reopen the case and cause major problems for Max.’
She gasps.
‘They think I’m dead?’
‘I know very little, but I believe some do think that, yes. When people go missing anything is possible. I was there to tour some of the local workshops and the consequences of this unsolved case extends way beyond the Ormanni family.’
‘I … I had no choice in the matter. It was wrong, I know, but I had to escape. I did contact my mother, who told me that the scandal had killed my father and broken his heart. I did not find out until several months after his death. I wanted to go back to explain then, but my mother would have nothing to do with me. She said she had no daughter.’
‘And now you have a daughter, too.’
‘She represents my new life. Free of the Ormannis. Everyone believed my father loved me, but that wasn’t the case. What he truly wanted was a son and I was only ever a disappointment to him. So I did everything he demanded of me, but even then it wasn’t enough. I did the only thing I could do and that was to give him Max in my place.’
An awful silence hangs between us. The truth is even uglier than I could have anticipated.
‘What do you expect me to do?’ She sounds fearful, a half-sob catching in her throat.
‘There is an innocent man whom some believe may have committed an awful deed. You need to be aware of the full impact of your decision upon the people you left behind. Your new life is at the cost of someone else’s happiness and that’s bad karma. Maybe it’s time to put it right, Aletta, so that you can continue with your new life with nothing on your conscience.’
There’s no response and I let the moments pass in silence.
‘This has been our worst fear, continually over-shadowing our happiness. If I promise I will face the consequences, will you vow not to get involved? If you, as a third party, go to the police, or the press, then all of our lives will be ruined, forever. My husband doesn’t deserve that, neither does my daughter.’
‘Nor Max,’ I add firmly.
Her appeal sounds genuine enough, convincing me this is no empty promise. I find it totally shocking, though, that she isn’t doing this first and foremost to right the incredible wrong she has done Max. The result will be the same, but she acts as if she did Max a favour when she left. Is that what happens when one lie turns into two, then three and it all becomes so complicated the truth is difficult to see?
‘I have no intention whatsoever of exposing you, or hurting your family in any way. I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. You would have done the same if the situation had been reversed. You have wronged a good man and left him struggling with an impossible burden, because he feels he has no other option than to shoulder the responsibility. I think he believes that you left because you felt he took your rightful place within the family. He was simply trying to please you and only ended up driving you away. It’s better to face this now than always live in fear of the tr
uth being discovered. Imagine what your daughter would think if this came out many years down the road, Aletta.’
‘You have my word on this and thank you for your silence. But I wish our paths hadn’t crossed,’ she whispers.
The line goes dead and I realise that the darkness has enveloped me in an uncomfortable and eerie way. My inner voice is trying to be positive and tell me that this is the best resolution and the least damaging for everyone. The last piece in the puzzle is Max. Should I warn him? Should I re-establish contact, ready to be there to hold him together? I know that’s not what Josh would expect of me if he was in command of all of the facts.
Livvie would tell me it was time to walk away, I know that. I could talk to Aunt Clare, but this has gone so much further than I had anticipated. How can I explain this need to right a wrong after the advice she gave me? I feel as if I’m in a state of shock, numb is the word that comes to mind. I’m so exhausted, both mentally and physically, that I couldn’t repeat the whole story to someone else even if I wanted to.
Why don’t I feel happy? Relieved? Like a weight has been lifted from me?
Instead I feel that I may have done Max some harm.
Can you harness good karma and send it to someone in need? If that’s possible then, please, enough pain has been suffered and it’s time for the healing to begin. Just let the path be smooth and the wounds heal quickly.
Be strong Max. I need you to be strong.
But in my dreams that night his eyes stare directly into mine, as if he’s looking into my soul.
‘I never really knew what true love was, but I do now. I’m not sure I can carry on without you, Ellie.’
‘Please don’t say that, Max. It isn’t true. Your life has been on hold for so long, you’ve lost sight of how wonderful it can be. Look at Piero and Bella. Wonderful things happen every single day. I want that for you, but you have to want it for yourself.’
I want it for you, too, because you are in my heart, whether that’s right or not. This isn’t about choices. For me, it’s simply a fact I can no longer deny.
He shakes his head. ‘I can’t let you go. But I wish I could.’
‘It’s time for you to live again, Max, but in the real world. Aletta is alive and has a husband. There is a child.’
‘A child?’
‘A little girl. The news will come to you soon, but I want you to be prepared.’
‘The sins of the father should not be visited upon their children.’
It’s a saying I recognise, based on a quote from the Bible, I think.
It’s the last thing I remember, but the words echo around and around in my head. Does it count as an affair when nothing physical has occurred between two people and the passion is only in your head and your heart?
PRESENT DAY: ONE MONTH AFTER OUR NINETEENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Chapter 38
Ever since Livvie threw our anniversary party I can’t seem to shake off the memory of what I saw in that crystal ball.
Bella’s latest email is open in front of me and I can feel the turmoil everyone is going through at Villa Rosso.
Dear Ellie
It’s been a little while, but times flies at the moment. Most of us have had a flu virus that’s going around and now Max has it. The doctor says with the stress he’s been under he has to take a week off to rest. Can you imagine Max taking a little time off? But in a way I’m rather glad as Luca is managing reasonably well and Trista has no choice but to work with him. It’s about time Max realised he can take some time for himself and he doesn’t have to feel he’s letting anyone down.
Since the news broke, Trista is still acting as if she’s the innocent party. The family don’t know all of the facts, but they believe Aletta met someone in England and fell in love. I don’t think anyone knows about the baby. It goes without saying that everyone is feeling very sorry for Trista, all over again. If only they knew she pushed her own daughter away.
But there’s something else and there’s no easy way to break this news to you, other than to simply say it. Max’s legal representative has been here quite a bit and I overhead them talking about a DNA test. Max is the father of Aletta’s baby. I’m the only one Max has told, at the moment. He will be flying to the UK very soon to meet his daughter. Talks are on-going over the custody arrangements and Trista even admitted she knew very early on that Max was the father. He can’t wait to meet her, Ellie, and although the situation isn’t the best, it’s given him something to hold onto. Aletta could never come back here after what’s happened, so he has to be patient for a while longer. At least Aletta isn’t fighting him on that, probably out of guilt, or fear about bad press and the impact it could have on her husband. Maybe you will get to meet up with him again when he flies over to the UK and I know that would make him very happy.
There is quite a bit of gossip going around, still, but the tension has gone. We all feel indebted to Max in some way or other, for his strength and his loyalty. We continue to thrive because of him and the personal sacrifice he chose to make.
Piero and I have decided to delay the wedding until things have returned to normal. Well, the new normal, once Max has begun his life of freedom. It’s hard to imagine him not living and breathing work, every waking hour, but also having a life of his own. He said that the people here kept him going and he’ll never walk away from us. However, he will move out of the villa at some point and he seems excited about the prospect of putting down some roots of his own.
I asked him to give me away and I could see it meant a lot to him.
I hope things are going well with you and your family are all behaving themselves. You are the person who keeps everyone going in your world and it was wonderful to see first-hand how much they adore you. I hope, one day, that Piero and I can have a family and will be just as happy as you and Josh.
Try not to worry about things at this end. You did everything in your power to help and I feel awful that I’m the only one who knows, and can thank you for what you did.
Goodbye for now and I’ll email in a couple of weeks’ time to give you an update on Max.
B x
I’m glad Bella knows. I visit Max every night now in my dreams and have done for quite a while. Aletta lied when registering the birth of baby Elouise and she gave David’s name as the father. She knew a DNA test would prove that not to be the case, because she’d already had one done. She’d told Max that she had wanted to make sure before she began her married life with David. When the results were confirmed that he wasn’t the father, she admitted she was shocked. But he told her it didn’t make any difference and she said she loved him even more because of that. Obviously, she has to face the consequences of giving false information when registering the birth.
I wondered how Max felt when he heard that as, to me, it sounded hurtful in the worst possible way. Aletta might be in love with David in a way she never was with Max, but this showed she, too, had that ice-cold side to her nature. But as she already knew the truth she had no option other than to acknowledge that Max had a right to be a part of his daughter’s life. Somehow they have to make that work.
I know he can’t wait to meet his little daughter for the first time and will be frustrated not to be heading off on a plane straight away. But a short rest will recharge his batteries and give him the strength to face Aletta once more. That first meeting will be the worst and I wish I could be there for him, but it isn’t my place.
Sadly, what could have been a true fairy-tale ending to a dark story has turned into a bit of a nightmare, as each country has its own custody laws. But if the courts rule that he can have shared custody of his daughter then she could, perhaps, take regular holidays with him once their relationship has been allowed to blossom. That’s something Aletta and David will have no control over, and for Max it’s a reason to make a new life.
After Aletta had called me that night, I did a little more digging into David’s background. It turned out that his first wife had die
d of cancer a little over ten years’ ago and left him alone and devastated. They had no children and his name was never linked to any other women, as far as I could tell. Maybe Aletta and David were destined to be together and he’s the one man who can bring out the best in her. I hope so, for little Elouise’s sake.
Me? I still feel trapped by the glass wall.
How would I describe it? Like an ice-cold splinter in my heart, chilling my soul and freezing the essence of me. I’m suspended in time, trying hard to establish a sense of what’s real. The glass wall isn’t fragile; it’s tougher than steel and just as impervious. Yet I’m able to glide through it as easily and naturally as taking a single step forward. My day is full of the blessings in my life, but when I lie down to sleep it’s as if I leave this world behind. I simply take that step and then, there I am, standing on the other side and experiencing a different reality with Max. Of course, that’s an analogy – or maybe I’m romanticising something that has never been real to me. My life is split into two; two lives that run in parallel and only cross over in my dreams. In this world I adore Josh and my girls absolutely; in that world Max is my soul mate and what I feel for him is unreserved love. A love that isn’t new, but seems to have existed forever.
Is it possible to have two soul mates? Ironically, I don’t know the answer to that question. I do know that I have a charmed life with a man I love and a passion that is fierce. My life seems perfect, and yet, what lies behind the glass wall is a mirror. A life with a different man: my other soul mate. I’m torn – with guilt and longing; longing for a normal life with my husband and wonderful girls, but unable to let go of either of the two men who make me feel complete. One in my day-to-day life and one in my dreams.
What I didn’t understand before fate made me cross that divide was that a heart can be split into two halves and each half can have a perfect, life-changing love.
All I can do is let fate play out and hope that once Max has begun his new life I can slip away, content in the knowledge that he is happy. And, I hope that I will have played some small part in that. Only then, I believe, will the glass wall finally shatter and I will begin to feel whole again. I have to prepare Max for that, as gently as I can. But everything is looking so hopeful now and he has the best reason in the world to start living again. How easy it will be for me to let him go, I have no idea. I seem to keep finding excuses to hang on, wanting just one more brief moment together and it’s never enough.
The Secrets of Villa Rosso Page 23