by Erin Zak
The crowd erupted. And so did my entire body with goose bumps.
“Thank you, guys for coming out tonight. I know it’s like, a week night or whatever, but y’all sticking it out with us is super fucking cool.”
Again, everyone in the crowd cheered. They were waving rainbow flags, bisexual flags, transgender flags, and asexual flags. I could not get over how diverse the group was. Was it my small-town mentality getting to me? I didn’t know.
“This is an original song I wrote last night. We’ve only practiced a couple times, so please, be kind.”
“Fuck yeah, we love you, Peggy!” someone shouted from way behind me.
“I love you, too, random man!” Peggy held up her hand in the rock devil sign and stuck her tongue out. She gripped the microphone and took it out of the stand. “It’s called ‘Wake Up’.” She looked back at the band, and Brock started the song off with the guitar. The tune was lovely, slower than they’d been singing, but I started to fall in love with the chords. It reminded me of a Florence + The Machine song. All it was missing was the harp. And Peggy’s eyes were closed, her red hair over her shoulder. She looked incredible, and her hair so soft, so beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking at her as she started to sing.
You think this is your last try,
that this will be the end of life
You said you were tired of running,
that you wanted to hold on to something,
but you can’t stand there and do nothing
If you want to hold me,
if I could try to find a way around your walls
Your eyes are so sad, so beautiful, so true
She opened her eyes and looked directly at me. Or at least it seemed that way. Out of all these people, she was looking at me. The entire moment was so surreal. I couldn’t feel my legs.
I learned a lot from your scars,
from the way you smile when you’re sad
I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried to embrace your pain
Your pain is what makes you real, real, real
It’s been a long time for you
But I need you to wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up
My heart was in my throat…
I don’t know how to stop these feelings.
They aren’t okay
I see your green eyes,
the way you look at me with those eyes,
the way you handle me with those eyes
I want you to know I would never tell you lies, never tell you lies, never tell you lies
I want you to wake up, wake up, wake up
I need you to wake up, wake up, wake up
Let me love you
Let me hold you
Let me be the person in your life that helps you wake up, wake up, wake up
My mouth was so dry as the crowd started to cheer when Peggy finished. “Thank you! Thank you so much!” she shouted into the microphone. I finally tore my eyes off her and made eye contact with Brock. He was smiling at me. Ugh.
As the set continued, I found myself completely lost in my thoughts. The music was amazing, of course, and watching Peggy up there serenading the audience and dancing to the upbeat tunes was equally so, but there was something happening inside me, and I legit had no idea what to do with it.
I glanced over at Jackie’s friends. They were all dancing and having a great time. Tabitha waved at me from where she was dancing, then motioned for me to come to them. I squeezed my way through the crowd, dodging elbows and sliding against a lot of half-dressed women and men. When I finally got over to Tabitha, she pulled me into their circle. “Are you okay there, youngin’? I can take you home if you need me to.”
“No, no, I’m totally fine,” I shouted over the music. “I’m seriously having such a good time!”
“So, you’re friends with the lead singer?”
“I mean, I guess? And the guitar player? We like, ran into each other on the beach yesterday.”
Tabitha raised her beer at the stage. “The guitar player is cute. You into him?”
I felt my cheeks start to burn from the blush that was creeping into them. “I guess?”
“You guess? You’re fifteen shades of red right now.” Tabitha laughed and had a long drink of her beer. “You sound as bad as your mom!”
I furrowed my brow and looked at Tabitha. “Like, Jackie? Or like, my mom mom?”
Tabitha’s eyes went wide, and she looked around at the group of friends. Everyone was looking away, acting as if they heard nothing. “Uh,” Tabitha said and then took another drink from her beer. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and then pointed at the stage. “So, like, they’re really good, though, right? Woo!”
“Tabitha,” I said loudly. And she finally looked at me. “Who did you mean?”
“Definitely Jackie.”
“You’re lying!”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Hey,” she said, and she motioned toward the stage again with her bottle. “You’re being summoned. I think they’re done.”
“Wait a second—”
“No, kid, don’t worry about it. Go be with your friends! It’s all good!” Tabitha laughed as she pulled me in with her free hand and gave me a half hug. She quickly turned and ushered her friends out of there as fast as humanly possible.
“Georgia! Come on!” I heard Peggy shout at me from the stage as the crowd started to clear out. I was totally digging her nickname for me, which was odd, because I normally loathed nicknames. My mom named me Beth for a reason, so like, call me it. But this one? Georgia? I was all for it. I turned and pushed myself through the people back to the stage. I glanced up and saw Brock as he jumped down from the stage. He turned to me and pulled me into a hug. I was so shocked by it that I didn’t even know how to reciprocate. I probably looked like a rag doll as he twirled me.
“Holy cow!” I said with a laugh. “Brock!”
“Beth, thank you so much for coming,” he said when he put me down. “You have no idea how much that means to me.” He ran his fingers through his long brown hair. How did his hair look healthier than mine? I didn’t know, but he was so freaking cute. He smiled at me. “Are you going to come hang out? We’re going to this spot where we park and drink.”
Drink? I didn’t drink. I was sixteen! I’d never had alcohol before. Oh God, how did I say no without seeming like a complete dweeb? “Yeah, so, probably not? I guess I can get a Lyft home or something.”
“No way,” he said, and he flashed his perfect smile at me again. “You can come. If you don’t want to drink, you don’t have to. I won’t drink, either, and I can drive you home afterward.”
He wasn’t going to drink? For me? Did I hear that right? “Oh, okay… I suppose I could go for a bit.”
“A bit? Hell no, Georgia. You’re coming for the entire night,” Peggy said as she slapped her hand onto my shoulder. I glanced at her fingers as they gripped me. Why did looking at her fingers and the dark, cherry-painted nails make me feel so crazy? My skin was on fire and at the same time, I had chills.
“The whole night?” I asked, and Peggy grinned at me.
“Yes, the whole night.” Brock laughed. “Peggy’s the boss. And it’s her car, so…”
I felt Peggy lean into me slightly, and when I finally found the courage to look over at her, she was only about three inches from my face. “Let loose a little, Beth,” she said softly. Her breath smelled sweet and minty. Fuck. Why was I smelling her breath?
“Fine.” I groaned, and Peggy and Brock both cheered then high-fived each other. I rolled my eyes.
* * *
Peggy’s car was perfect for her. An old VW Beetle where she had to slam her foot into the clutch to get it to change gears. I laughed quite a few times when she cussed about what a piece of shit it was.
“It’s a classic, Pegs. You know this.”
“Classic piece of shit,” she said. I watched her in the rearview mirror from the safety of the back seat. Her makeup w
as so well done. Even after being on stage all hot and sweaty, she still looked flawless. I was impressed.
“Did you enjoy the show?” Brock asked when he looked back at me from the passenger seat. “I mean, I’m sure you enjoyed me playing guitar. Who doesn’t love that?”
“Jesus, Brock,” Peggy said, and I watched her roll her eyes. “By the way, girls don’t like when you say shit like that.”
I smiled and shook my head. “The show was really awesome, actually. And yes, your guitar playing skills were top notch.”
When the car slowed to a stop and I pulled myself out of the back seat, I looked around. We were at an airport. “Is this what you guys do? Watch planes?”
“And drink.”
“And smoke weed,” Peggy said as she passed a joint to Brock. He immediately lit it up and took a hit, then passed it to me.
“Nah, I’ll pass.”
Peggy smiled at me. “You’re a straight edge, aren’t you?”
I shrugged.
“It’s okay if you are.”
“Yeah, I mean, you’re still hot as fuck,” Brock said.
I was slightly offended. “Well, thank God, I guess?” As I was regretting my decision to come with them, Brock took off toward a car that was pulling up. “Look, Peggy, I don’t really think I should be out here with you guys.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said and paused. I looked at her beautiful blue eyes. “I wanna go home.”
“I can take you home,” she said softly. She reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Or you can come with me, and we can get out of here.”
I looked over her shoulder at Brock. He was leaning against the other car that arrived, and he was slamming a can of Natural Light. So much for not drinking… “I would like that,” I said when I looked back at Peggy.
“Let’s go.”
I slid into the passenger side of the Beetle, and she revved the engine before we took off, dirt flying behind us. Peggy laughed when I squealed, and it was perfect. Except for the part where she was a girl. And I wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted.
We drove around for a while. She played me songs from her iPhone with the auxiliary cord hooked up to the car radio that was obviously newer than the car itself. I listened intently when she talked about why she loved each artist that she played, like Leon Bridges and Grace Potter and Dave Matthews. Except she didn’t go on and on about the album version of “41” by Dave, but the “Live from Wrigley Field” version, which was like, my absolute favorite version ever. And then she talked about Sarah McLachlan and how when she was thirteen, her cousin Jessica played her Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, and it was like an awakening. She had a love for Tori Amos and The Indigo Girls. When she played a song called “Magnolia Street” by Catie Curtis, I almost cried. The lyrics made my stomach ache.
I couldn’t stop listening to Peggy. She had so much to say, and her voice was so beautiful to listen to. Not her singing voice, although that was wonderful, but her speaking voice. She laughed, too, a lot, which I loved. She was witty and cute, and when she told me how she still loved Celine Dion, I almost jumped across the tiny space in the Beetle and kissed her.
I almost kissed her.
What the fuck was I thinking? I couldn’t kiss her! She was totally not into me. And I was, like, this stupid girl from Savannah, Georgia who wasn’t in town for long. I was going to be leaving soon, right? I was going to go home and recover from the divorce with my mom and Myrtle, and we’d leave Jackie. We’d say good-bye, and I’d have to say good-bye to Peggy.
I looked over at her as she sang along to “Shake It Out” by Florence + The Machine. My heart was beating so fast and so loud. I thanked God for the volume of the music because I was pretty sure Peggy would be able to hear it otherwise.
We pulled into a parking spot outside of Jackie’s building, and Peggy looked over at me as she turned her car off. “We’re here.”
“Do you want to come in?”
“No.”
“Oh, okay.”
She reached over and grabbed my hand. She ran her fingers over the dark smudges on my index finger and thumb. “Why are you all black here?”
“Oh,” I said with a laugh. “I’m kind of an artist, I guess. It’s from the charcoal I use to sketch.”
“You’re an artist?”
“I mean, I’m trying? I don’t know if I’m any good.”
“Maybe you’ll show me sometime?”
I felt my stomach bottom out. “Of course.”
“So…”
My eyes wandered over the dashboard, to the radio, to the steering wheel, until they finally landed on Peggy’s eyes. “Yeah, so, Jackie is my mom.”
“Whoa.” Peggy turned toward me and leaned against the door. “What?”
I shrugged. “She’s my birth mom. Susan adopted me, so like, Susan is my mom, but Jackie is my birth mom.”
I saw Peggy’s chest contract and fall with the deep breath she took. “That’s heavy, Georgia. Are you okay?”
I nodded, then I unloaded on her. I word-vomited all over. I told her the whole story, the private investigator, stealing my mom’s credit card, my dad hitting my mom, Jackie meeting my mom, everything. I talked non-stop. Peggy listened the entire time. She smiled when I said something funny, she put her hand on my arm when I cried, and she moved my hair from my face when I got embarrassed about my inability to shut up. “I’m so sorry,” I said quietly when I dried the rest of the tears on my face. “I guess I wasn’t okay.”
Peggy’s hand was on mine. “Look, Georgia, I’m so honored that you told me. Like, I want to stay the whole night with you and listen to you ramble and laugh. You’re incredible.”
“Seriously?”
She smiled at me. “You have no idea how adorable you are, do you?”
I was instantly self-conscious until all of a sudden, Peggy leaned across the tiny space in the Beetle into me. I couldn’t breathe.
All I could see were her lips and oh, holy shit, was she going to kiss me?
Her soft, full lips landed on mine, and she was kissing me. What was I supposed to do? The only thing my brain said to do was pull away. I couldn’t be interested in her. I was interested in Brock. Right? Well, my heart was saying something completely different. So, I did what I never do, which was listen to my heart, and I kissed her back.
Chapter Ten
SUSAN
I was so ashamed of myself.
I passed out last night.
And not when we got home. No. Oh, no. In the car ride home.
Sigh. I didn’t even know what happened.
“I think the six shots you did with Tabitha probably had something to do with it,” Jackie said after she helped me into my bed. I was so embarrassed.
But my embarrassment didn’t stop me from passing out again. I actually think I was mid-sentence the second time. Real classy, Susan.
When I opened my eyes and found the clock on the bedside table, I saw that it was only three in the morning. And I was wide awake. Shockingly, I didn’t have a headache. That was a miracle, actually. I thought for sure I’d be hurting. I heard Myrtle’s collar jingle, and I put my hand on her to calm her down. She promptly fell back asleep. I was so jealous.
I stared at the ceiling; of course, my mind wandered to Jackie, to her hands, lips, face. She was so kind as she helped me to bed. The way she moved my hair from my face and made sure I had water… I couldn’t get over it. How did I live my whole life and never feel this way about someone? Or did I, and I couldn’t remember because it was eons ago? I was quite a bit older than Jackie. Maybe that was why I was feeling all of this trepidation. I wanted so badly to let go, shed this stupidity that was holding me back. My issues had to stem from something other than age or inexperience. There was a part inside me (a very small part, but a part nonetheless) that was struggling with knowing that I raised Beth, and Jackie got to live her life and do what she needed and wanted without the responsibility of a child.
&n
bsp; Guilt crept into my mind and heart for thinking that about her. Jackie was being so incredible. She did not need to let us stay with her. In fact, she could have told us to leave immediately. There was nothing that made her take us in, aside from what I was finding out was a wonderful soul and a huge heart that wanted to take care of people.
She created this illusion that she was closed off, not willing to find love, only available when she wanted to be, not when someone needed her. But she was the exact opposite of that. How had she not found someone to love and care for?
The way Tabitha said that Jackie only looked at one other person like that in her life… I wonder what that meant? Had her heart been broken by someone before? Was that why she appeared closed off and forever okay to live a single life? Or was she the heartbreaker? And she’d sworn off having to hurt someone again?
My mind couldn’t get to the spot where Jackie was a horrible person with no love or kindness. It was impossible for me to believe that she broke hearts. But maybe I was wrong?
When I couldn’t stay in bed any longer, I slid out from under the covers and crept over to the door. Myrtle was sleeping so soundly that she didn’t hear me. I thanked God because if she woke up now, she’d need to go outside.
Beth’s door was cracked open so I peeked inside. She was sound asleep, her phone on her chest, her body half uncovered. I smiled and shook my head. That whole “no phones after ten” rule didn’t really last long. Not that I minded that she was actually having fun here. Seeing her smile and laugh at the Rusty Nail with people her age was encouraging. I knew the entire fight between Steven and me was not easy to deal with for her. Especially since I wasn’t really handling it all that well.
Or at least, I hadn’t been handling it well…until now…
I made my way to the living room. There was a Himalayan salt lamp on the end table next to the couch which lit the entire room. The bookshelf next to the couch was calling my name, so I tiptoed over to it. Jackie’s books were all lined up. All twenty-two of them. I pulled out one toward the end of the row. Recreating Mary. I smiled because it was such a romance book title. The cover was tasteful, though, which surprised me. I grew up seeing my mom buying old copies of Harlequins from garage sales and reading them while on road trips. I never understood until I was much older and actually read one why she seemed to always have her nose buried in one during those stressful family situations. It made sense once I figured it all out.