As she gazed about the large room—women on one side, the few men on the other, and beds all over the place in rows—she saw mothers begin to tuck in their children, putting them to bed as early as they could so they could start their struggles, whatever they may be, again the following day. Her eye caught the woman with the manicure as she shuffled her way to an empty cot. She watched her, wondering at her story once again. She had not been able to talk to her. There were just too many people in these places and she probably wouldn’t see her again as tomorrow, Robyn would be working in another shelter. But something about the blonde woman caught her attention.
Joy had no idea she was being watched. Others who were in worse condition than she, clutched their belongings to themselves as she walked by, almost as if to say, “Don’t touch, this is mine!” Joy made no move towards them, she simply went on by as though she did not see them. She remembered that feeling from when she lived here. Her photos and the pathetically few items of clothing she had, were all she owned. It was a terribly isolating feeling. It was probably why she had always felt the outsider even in a crowd of people. Even the few friends she had made over the years had commented how little she shared of herself. What could she have said really? I lived on the streets for years, won the lottery, and that’s my story? She did not want people to know that part of her. It was not important. As she glanced around from the empty cot she found, she wondered at the others’ stories. She could only hope to improve them as she activated the camera in her shirt time and time again.
By eight p.m., they asked people to quiet down out of respect for those who had families with them, especially those with small children. Some children went to sleep easier than others. By nine p.m., all that were left were the whispers. By ten, most were either asleep or laying on their cots trying to fall asleep. Joy was one of those trying. The cots were made of some army material and she found them scratchy. The blankets were made of wool and she worried they carried bugs. She realized at that moment how spoiled she had become over the years, how the money had changed her world, and she resolved to change the worlds of the people that lay around her, snoring and grunting in their sleep.
The lights were lowered in the auditorium, but not so low that the monitors couldn’t keep watch so that thievery, sex, and other vices weren’t going on in the shelter. Robyn and several others patrolled and looked over those they had accepted into their shelter. Already there had been an attempt to get in by a father who was convinced his wife was inside. The police had been called when he leapt repeatedly at the door, trying to knock it in with his shoulder. His shouts had only roused those closest to the door. Whether his wife was inside or not, they wouldn’t tell.
Robyn saw that woman, Joy had been her name, gazing out at the others around her. Occasionally, she changed position, but it was obvious she was having difficulty sleeping. Robyn made her way slowly and carefully down an aisle and whispered, “Would you like some coffee?”
Joy was startled. The woman had feet like a cat and she had not seen or heard her coming. Normally she would have heard her and woken if she had been so inclined. Tonight, she was too busy with her thoughts, worrying about helping people like this and dreaming what she would accomplish now that she was getting an insider’s view. She sat up suddenly and the woman stepped back, realizing she had startled the woman.
“Sorry if I startled you,” she whispered, wondering if she’d also angered her. “I was just wondering if you’d like some coffee since you seem to be awake.”
Joy shook her head. Even if she drank coffee, that stuff they gave out wouldn’t be something she would let past her lips. It smelled horrible. It was like they burnt the beans, and then, re-burnt them, over and over. A new coffee maker was on her mental list.
“I’m sorry. I will let you sleep,” Robyn murmured. She was about to walk on when Joy answered.
“Do you have any hot chocolate?”
Robyn turned back so they wouldn’t disturb any of the other lodgers. She shook her head as she answered, “No, that’s almost a luxury around here.” She sounded apologetic.
“I cannot sleep,” Joy confessed, realizing it was obvious or the woman wouldn’t have spoken to her. She glanced over to where a couple of people were moving about, some going to the bathrooms, which she had used earlier, and others to cop a smoke in the designated areas outside.
“I can see that,” Robyn answered gently, again wondering at this woman’s story. “Would you like some company,” her head jerked away from the sleeping masses.
Joy got up, clutching the jacket she had brought with her. She knew the jacket might be someone’s target, but they wouldn’t get her hotel key that was in her sock. Old habits die hard and she had remembered that at the last minute as she left her hotel that day. She followed the kindly woman and maneuvered around the others sleeping or snoring around her.
Robyn got herself a coffee from the large urn they kept going for the workers and those using the shelter. Joy refused the coffee again, but she did get a cup of water, perhaps relieving her thirst would have to do.
“So, what’s keeping you awake?” Robyn asked gently. She never asked people their stories, instead, she waited for them to volunteer them…if they wanted to. It was rude to ask too much. Still, she tried to help if she could, by getting their stories. It broke her heart how much she wanted to do for these people and couldn’t.
“Oh, so many thoughts. An unfamiliar cot…you know, the usual,” Joy joked, trying to concentrate on her speech so she wouldn’t give herself away.
Joy had no idea that Robyn already had an idea that the shelter was not the blonde’s usual haunt. She’d heard certain speech mannerisms that were hard to hide, but the manicure had really given Joy away. Still, she wouldn’t tell her as she drew the woman into conversation.
Joy found herself sharing stories of when she had lived on the streets so long ago. She found Robyn to be nice, honest about her own story, and helpful. She enjoyed getting to know her and as they chatted for at least an hour, she finally felt sleepy enough to head back to her cot. Robyn watched her as she went, wondering if they could help her get on her feet again. Her appearance and demeanor might help her get a job sooner if she was so inclined.
Joy avoided Robyn at the breakfast they offered in the shelter. It was just a muffin with an egg on it and coffee, that eternal coffee that she felt was going to haunt her psyche. It really stank and the burn smell plagued her mind. Several people took advantage of the offer to shower, but Joy was not one of them as she shuffled off into her morning, slowly making her way down the street. She saw Robyn drive away from the center in a slightly older car, waving at those who remembered her and her kindness. She wondered briefly about the brunette, her close-cropped hair curly and attractive in its own way, her demeanor definitely right for the shelter and probably for the day job she worked. She was a sharp cookie and Joy had enjoyed their chat, even if she had to keep from sharing too much other than old information about herself.
Joy made her way back to the hotel and looked around for a while before she went to her room and took her own shower. It was not much better than what was at the shelter, but at least it was private. It felt glorious and then she looked at her clothes she planned to put back on. She knew she needed to smell and then she looked down at her clean body and couldn’t bear the thought of putting those dirty clothes back on. As she stretched her hands out against her stomach, she noticed her manicure and nearly had heart failure, wondering if anyone had noticed. She quickly chopped off her nails with her nail scissor. She would later dig them into the dirt to help with her ‘look.’ She was angry at herself for this oversight.
After a nap in the safe hotel room, Joy began to make her way across town to the other shelter she wanted to check out. She was not the only one making the rounds and she recognized several of her fellow shelter people. She did not see signs of Robyn, the brunette she had met, but she did not expect to. This shelter was run a bit differently and she
was able to get a bowl of soup before they began taking spots for beds. She decided not to take a bed that night and gave the place a good look over before shuffling away. She was watched by a few people, but no one really took notice of another homeless person.
“Hey, you can’t go in there,” a voice tried to stop Joy as she made her way to her hotel room late that night.
“Excuse me?” she asked in well-modulated tones meant to intimidate. It worked, the person turned out to be the hotel manager.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t recognize you,” he apologized.
“Yeah, I’m dressed for a play. They needed homeless people,” she told him as she spread her hands in explanation of her outfit.
“Well, it worked. I thought you were…” he joked to cover his embarrassment over stopping her.
“Give me half an hour and I will be dressed normally,” she joked in return as she turned back to her room and opened the door.
Joy was as good as her word and changed into some of the clean clothes she had purchased at the thrift store. Ill-fitting, they served her purpose and she was seen as she left her hotel room. She headed to the local Subway and got herself a meal. She relished being able to eat real food and felt bad that she might have taken a meal away from a homeless person at the shelter, but she hoped her insight would give her information for an idea that was forming in her mind.
The next night she stayed at the third shelter. Again, she ran into that Robyn chick and smiled as she was recognized. She had used her car to get to this one as it was too far to walk and considered sleeping in her car, but that would be pointless if she was to observe the shelters.
Robyn noticed the blonde, but only because she looked worse than she had the first night she had seen her. That she was across town at this shelter meant she hadn’t improved her situation any. Many homeless stayed for weeks at the same shelter and she had hoped to see her the previous night at the first shelter, but hadn’t. She worried about the woman, but there was nothing she could do if they didn’t show up. At least the weather was not bad if she or the others were staying on the streets. Winter was always the worst when they tried to sleep on the frozen winter streets; some died in the trying.
Joy went to a couple of the church-run shelters despite her dislike of them and found different ideas she could incorporate into the plan that was forming, but after a couple of weeks of playing this game, she was done. She showered once more in her hotel, got into some casual clothes of her own, and bundled up the ones she had bought at the thrift stores. She went to the laundromat, washed them all once more, and then carefully folded them to donate back at one of the shelters. As she donated the bag of clothes, she ran into Robyn again.
“Things have improved?” the voice at her back asked.
Joy whirled to find the brunette grinning at her, the clothes she was wearing much better than what she had donated. She smiled. “Yes, a lot,” she agreed.
“I’m so glad to hear that, Joy. You keep going!” she encouraged. She looked genuinely happy for Joy.
“Would you like to grab a cup of coffee?” Joy asked, and then gestured outside the shelter. “Real coffee?” she asked.
“I don’t want you to use your money…” began Robyn, declining. It was not a good idea to get to know some of these people outside of the shelter. There were many who were mentally unstable.
Joy grinned, showing her even smile that now looked a lot better after having brushed her teeth regularly. “Do not let it worry you. We could go Dutch if you want?” She did not know why, but she wanted to get to know this social worker better.
Others at the shelter where she had just donated the clothes were watching the exchange with interest. In one of the bags, unbeknownst to the workers just then, were boxes of hot chocolate packets as well as a few other treats that were hard to come by and rarely, if ever, seen in the shelters.
Robyn smiled in return and agreed, and they were soon on their way to Joy’s dilapidated old car. It took a couple of tries to get it running. “We could take my car…” Robyn offered.
“It’s okay. Tomorrow, I’m donating this to the center,” she nodded back towards the shelter.
“Oh, don’t do that if it’s your only means of transportation,” Robyn protested worriedly, wondering why the grand gesture touched her so. They would sell the car and take the monies to buy more foodstuffs, blankets, and things they needed to keep the shelter going.
Joy smiled in return, wondering how much she could trust this kind social-working woman. She knew she would never tell anyone everything, but she could let her know that losing the car would be no hardship as she drove it to a local coffee shop.
“So, what changed that you donated your things to the shelter?” Robyn asked after they were seated, both with cups in their hands. Joy had a decent latte and Robyn a more sedate cup of black coffee.
“I have a confession to make, Robyn,” she looked the brunette in the eye, noticing her eyes for the first time. They were a dark shade of green with brown flecks in them. She hadn’t noticed that before.
“Oh, are you going to confess all your deep, dark secrets?” she teased as she took a sip of her coffee, which was heaven after the gunk they served at the shelter.
“No, you heard a few of those that first night,” she smiled demurely, remembering that was the first time she had told anyone those things. It had helped as she had kept it to herself for so long.
“So, what are you going to confess?” She was curious now.
“I did not need to be at those shelters,” she told her with a shy kind of smile. “I was doing research.”
“Are you a student?” she asked, surprised. Joy was a little old to be a college student unless she was going for her graduate degree, or maybe her doctorate. Robyn looked and saw that the manicure was long gone now.
Joy shook her head. “I was checking out the shelters in this area. I used to live at them, but that was seven years ago.”
“Are you planning on going back to the life?” She frowned, wondering at this strange conversation she was having.
Joy shook her head again with a laugh. “Have you ever heard of the Joy Foundation?” she asked.
Robyn frowned. She had heard of it. “Was that the foundation that was going to help the shelter? They sent this encouraging letter promising funds for the shelter and then reneged,” she sounded angry. She’d heard about that back in college and then again when she started helping here at the shelters. “They really got people’s hopes up.”
Joy nodded, realizing that the original letters that were sent out from her newly formed trust had been the only promises made. No money had been forthcoming. Even after all these years, the trust of the people was going to be hard to get back. She was ashamed. She should have followed up on it sooner. Still, all she could do is try.
“Wait, you aren’t part of the Joy Foundation are you, Joy?” she emphasized, almost sarcastically.
“Yeah,” Joy said shamefaced. “I’m the Joy in the Joy Foundation,” she confessed. “I just found out that none of the funds we set aside had been used on the shelters in this area. I came to see what had been done or could be done, and nothing has been done.” She sounded contrite.
“You could have done that years ago,” Robyn pointed out, sounding angrier. “The city, based on those letters, cut back their funding. It’s horrible to do that to people!”
“I agree,” she sounded remorseful, but understood the brunette’s anger. “I should have looked into it sooner, but I did not know!” She held up her hand as though to say ‘honest injun’. “I did not know,” she repeated.
“How could you not know?”
“The funds were expertly diverted. It was done in such a way…reports, pictures, prospectus’ were all faked. They are being prosecuted now. With the pictures I took–” she began, but Robyn interrupted her.
“You took pictures? How? I didn’t see a camera. We don’t allow…” she began indignantly.
“I had a b
utton cam wired to me and took the pictures I needed for my investigators. I could have sent someone else, but I came myself because I wanted to see…” She looked at Robyn, for some reason wanting to have this kind woman understand.
“That’s illegal, taking pictures of people without their consent. That’s sick,” she concluded, pushing her coffee away from her.
“It’s not like that. I did not take any pictures where the faces won’t be blurred and I did not go into the showers,” she protested, getting angry herself.
“You should have done something years ago. There are people in the system that could have benefited…”
“I know, but I just found out. We are taking care of it,” she tried to assure the woman.
“What? You high and mighty Joy Foundation people came down to ‘the people’ and decided for us what we need?” she sneered. She’d made air quotes as she spoke. Robyn was getting on her high horse, but she felt played when she had merely felt sorry for this woman. She’d also felt an attraction, but was denying that in her own mind.
“It was not like that,” Joy tried to assure her.
“So, you lied to me about living on the streets?”
“No, I did not,” she tried to protest, but Robyn was pissed and did not care if she knew it.
“Take me back to the shelter please or I’ll catch a cab,” she requested, not sure if she had the funds for a cab, but pissed all the same. She’d make it back if she had to walk the whole way.
Joy sighed, knowing this woman was not going to believe her. She felt bad about that, hoping they might have been friends. Maybe Robyn could have advised her on more things she could do for the shelters. She knew suggesting that now was not going to work as she got up to take her back. On the way, they saw a man holding up a sign that read, “Homeless, will work for food. I have kids.” This was marked on a piece of cardboard in a black pen.
“Now that, that is a real homeless person,” Robyn pointed out.
The Outsider Page 24