by Lacey Dearie
‘That’s ok. We don’t want that kind of picture. We just want a picture of you looking happy and relaxed. Maybe you could wear jeans and a little top and Vicky could fix your make-up and hair so that you look your absolute best,’ Flic suggested with a smile. Vicky was willing to bet that Flic was performing this make-over in her mind already.
‘Who will my character be?’ Lumi asked, looking a little more enthusiastic and less wary.
‘We need your picture for a Polish girl called Diana Dutkowiak,’ Vicky began.
‘But I’m not Polish!’ Lumi cried, visibly startled.
‘It’s fine. You don’t need to be Polish. We just need a picture of a pretty girl. That’s you,’ Flic nodded towards her.
Lumi didn’t look as flattered as Vicky thought she should have been.
‘Tell me more about Diana. How did you invent this girl? What does she do for a living? Who am I?’ she probed.
‘The name Diana was a random choice, and Dutkowiak was…..the last name of a Polish boy I knew at school,’ Flic fibbed, remembering it was the name of a man who worked in this café – the man who had served her both yesterday and today. She deliberately stared directly at Lumi to avoid turning her head towards the till, where he was standing. ‘Diana is a hotel chamber-maid who lives in London. She works at The Dorchester.’
‘I used to work in a hotel, as a maid, while I was studying at university,’ Lumi said softly, casting her eyes downwards.
For a few seconds Lumi appeared emotional, and Vicky wondered if she was going to burst into tears. She reached for a tissue from her bag under the stroller while Flic kept describing Diana, explaining everything about the character’s bio on her profile; how she loves Greek, Italian and English boys, how she just celebrated her twenty-first birthday and what her ambitions are.
‘It sounds like she has a realism about her,’ Lumi nodded thoughtfully.
‘She does. I’m sorry, your English seems so much better than it did half an hour ago. Can I ask why?’ Flic shot.
‘Three years I have been here. Two years in London, ten months in Glasgow and the rest of the time I’ve been here in Inverness,’ she confirmed, ignoring Flic’s statement about her English.
‘How did you come to be homeless?’ Vicky asked. ‘You seem so well educated.’
‘I moved here with my boyfriend. We worked in the same hotel. I had some bad luck and started to drink a lot, to feel better. I split up with my boyfriend. He told me to get out. I only had a little money and I used it to travel to Glasgow to visit a friend, but when I arrived she had gone so I was homeless. I had no money and I had nowhere to stay,’ she answered, matter-of-factly.
‘So what did you do?’ Vicky pressed, her voice croaky from emotion after hearing about Lumi’s bad luck. That could easily happen to anyone, she thought.
‘I went to a church. There was a priest there who took me to a hostel. I slept there and the priest helped me stop drinking. After some time I felt stronger and I was able to forget about alcohol long enough to start a job selling The Big Issue. It’s still difficult some days,’ she reflects. ‘But I have somewhere to stay. I live with two boyfriends.’
‘Two boyfriends? Jesus! I have enough trouble keeping one!’ Flic blurted.
‘They are much in love. I’m their gooseberry sometimes, so I need money to find my own house,’ Lumi explained.
‘Oh, THEY are boyfriends. With each other. Right, I thought you were….’ Flic trailed off.
‘Um, moving on,’ Vicky shook her head dismissively. ‘If you agree to let us take a picture we can buy you an outfit to wear for the photo shoot. Flic is our photographer. She knows all about the best lighting and which angles look good.’
‘New clothes? From where? I can have something from this shop?’ Lumi brightened.
‘Yes, if you like,’ Flic replied. ‘I’ll arrange for you to get a personal shopper, so that they recommend something flattering for you.’ She eyed Lumi’s puffa jacket and wrinkled her nose disdainfully.
‘These are just my working clothes. I usually look much nicer,’ Lumi assured Flic.
‘Come to this address tonight at seven,’ Vicky instructed, tearing a scrap of paper from a notebook. She began to write her own address before Flic nudged her, grabbing the paper and pen and scoring out what Vicky had written to replace it with her own address.
‘Less people asking questions at my place,’ Flic whispered.
Vicky nodded her agreement and passed the paper to Lumi. She examined it closely and tucked it into her pocket.
‘We’re going shopping now?’ Lumi checked.
Flic nodded her head. ‘I’ll go to customer services and find out how to get a personal shopper. I’ll put the money on a gift-card and tell them to spend that rather than use cash.’
‘Great, but there is one more thing I want to do before we leave,’ Lumi asserted. ‘You will take me to the Internet café downstairs and show me Diana’s profile.’
13
12th February
Vicky and Flic spent half an hour setting up Flic’s bedroom ready for the photo shoot with Lumi in total silence. Vicky was grateful for the peace as she was still on a short fuse and suspected she would snap at a moment’s notice. Flic seemed to have things on her mind, and Vicky guessed she was thinking about George and regretting her decision to accept the job to trap him. Either that, or she had a monster hangover. It was Vicky herself though, who finally broke the silence.
‘What did you tell Adam you were doing tonight?’
‘I told him you and I were having a chill out night. What’s up? You’re not very chatty,’ Flic quizzed.
‘Just thinking about…everything. Part of me is wishing we had never started HunE-trap Investigations.’
‘I know what you mean,’ Flic sighed. ‘At first I thought it would be glamorous and exciting. I kidded myself that we were going to be Inverness’s most glamorous spies.’
‘It’s actually a rubbish job, isn’t it?’ Vicky conceded.
‘And stressful.’
‘I’m thinking about packing it in once we’re finished all the assignments we’ve taken on. Let Magnus take the reigns. He seems to want to control everything we do anyway,’ Vicky admitted.
Flic’s eyes widened. ‘Really?’
Vicky nodded. ‘You could keep going by yourself. You don’t need me.’
‘But if I’m honest, I’ve been feeling the same. We didn’t think this through before we started,’ Flic admitted.
Vicky grabbed her laptop and opened up the Tête-a-net home screen. ‘Can you log me in as Diana?’
Flic hammered in the login and password. ‘There. Done. I’ve been thinking about Diana’s profile. You know how we agreed we’d never add ourselves as friends of the honeys? Well, wouldn’t it make it less suspicious if we added Magnus and Adam? They’ll bump up the friend count. And they’ll never expect that a new friend would be one of our honeys.’
Vicky shrugged. ‘Why not? We could even try to honey trap them,’ she joked.
‘Yeah. We could,’ Flic smiled.
‘I was joking,’ Vicky pulled back.
‘Of course. So was I,’ Flic nodded.
Vicky suspected she hadn’t been joking at all, but let it drop and became swiftly alert when the doorbell rang.
‘I’ll get it,’ Vicky muttered, scrambling to her feet before Adam could reach the door and start asking prying questions.
Vicky put the security chain on the door before opening – it never hurt to be cautious. Once she saw that Lumi was smiling and alone she removed the chain and opened the door fully.
‘Hello!’ she greeted Vicky cheerfully.
‘Hi Lumi! Come in,’ Vicky replied. ‘Just over here to the bedroom,’ she directed her.
‘Where’s your baby?’ Lumi enquired.
‘At home with my parents.’
‘Who was that?’ Adam shouted from the living room.
‘Flic’s friend Lumi,’ she shouted back. ‘We’re just
having a girly night.’
There was no response from Adam, so Vicky closed the bedroom door behind them.
‘I washed my hair, but I saw that Diana is blonde, so maybe you want me to wear that?’ Lumi guessed, pointing to a long blonde wig sitting on the dressing table.
‘Well, we were hoping that you would,’ Vicky nodded.
‘Fine, it’s no problem,’ Lumi smiled.
Lumi removed her jacket and Vicky noticed what a great figure she had. She ran her eyes over her, mesmerised. She’d bought jeans and a red gingham halterneck top. Flic picked up Lumi’s jacket and hooked it over the back of a chair.
‘Wow! Look at your figure! Some people are just born gorgeous,’ Flic winked, hoping to appeal to Lumi’s vanity. Instead, Lumi nodded and began to make herself at home, picking up a framed photo sitting on one of the tables.
‘I recognise you Flic. Who is the man in the photograph?’ Lumi asked.
‘My boyfriend, Adam. He’s Vicky’s brother.’
‘Your brother’s nice. He reminds me of an athlete. Very healthy boy,’ Lumi grinned.
‘He’s spoken for,’ Flic snarled. Lumi didn’t reply but raised one eyebrow and smirked over at Flic.
‘Somebody’s wearing Eternity,’ Lumi trilled in a sing-song voice.
‘Oh, that’s me,’ Vicky looked shocked.
‘What? You’re surprised I know the scent? That’s ok. Nobody expects the homeless to know anything about designer perfumes. Make a mental note to stop stereotyping people,’ Lumi instructed, reminding them both of a strict schoolteacher.
Flic and Vicky both felt colour rise to their faces.
‘It’s my favourite,’ Lumi shrugged, ignoring their embarrassment. She carried on amusing herself by looking around the room, taking everything in and pretending to be impressed.
‘Are we almost ready?’ Lumi asked.
‘Yeah, let me help you with the wig then we’ll put on some make-up,’ Vicky offered.
Vicky found that Lumi was easy to work with. She was happy to go along with anything Flic and Vicky suggested and Vicky didn’t have to work too hard on the complexion side of things. Her skin was flawless, if a little dry and weather beaten but her complexion was too olive for her to look like a natural blonde. Most of Vicky’s foundations tended to be on the paler end of the spectrum and she had to borrow some of Flic’s make-up. Despite this, it only took twenty minutes to get her ready.
‘Ok, I’m going to stand behind the desk and you sit there as if you’re using the computer,’ Flic pointed towards the desk chair.
‘Do I look at the screen?’ Lumi asked.
‘No, put your hand towards my camera, but not too close to the lens. I want to make it look like you’re clicking a button on a webcam,’ Flic advised.
‘Do I smile?’ Lumi asked.
‘Yeah, we’ll try one like that, then we’ll try one where you’re pouting and another where you’re blowing a kiss to the camera, and another looking away in that direction over there,’ Flic reeled.
‘How are we going to get around the blue eye thing?’ Vicky fretted.
‘I’ve set the camera to take black and white pictures, like you suggested,’ Flic confirmed.
‘That’s a great idea,’ Lumi interrupted, pulling another pose.
‘Have you modelled before?’ Flic probed.
Vicky wondered the same thing as Lumi seemed very relaxed in front of a camera.
‘No I’ve never done modelling like this. Just photographs for my ex-boyfriend,’ she winked.
Vicky and Flic exchange grins, guessing what Lumi meant.
After taking around fifty pictures, Flic uploaded them onto the computer and the three women trawled through the images, finally deciding on five of the best pictures to put on the profile. Then Flic uploaded them onto Tête-a-net.
‘I forgot already, which guy is the target?’ Lumi checked.
‘It’s this guy,’ Flic grimaced, tapping the screen to point to George’s picture.
‘George is listening to the new album by Coldplay,’ Lumi read his status message aloud. ‘Shit taste in music,’ she sneered.
‘You don’t need to worry about who we’re trapping,’ Vicky assured her, pulling thirty pounds from her purse and handing the notes to Lumi, who snatched them and held them up to the light.
‘Thank you ladies, it’s been fun,’ Lumi chirped.
‘No, thank YOU. Now we have a face for Diana,’ Flic reached out her hand to shake Lumi’s in thanks.
‘Feel free to drop by and buy my magazines again,’ she offered buttoning her jacket. ‘And one more thing,’ Lumi began.
Vicky and Flic both looked over at her expectantly.
‘George is looking for more pictures already. Take a look at the homepage of Diana’s profile and see for yourself. And Diana is now friends with your boyfriend Flic. I’ll find the way out myself,’ Lumi smirked and then closed the door.
‘Nothing gets past her!’ Flic snapped, peering at the laptop screen.
‘Tell me about it! And when she was talking about somebody wearing Eternity, it felt more like an accusation than a compliment,’ Vicky moaned then suddenly started looking round the room frantically.
‘What’s wrong?’ Flic frowned.
‘She’s taken my wig with her! I didn’t even notice,’ Vicky stropped.
‘I didn’t notice either.’
‘I think we should log off and get something to eat. Maybe by the time we get back somebody else will have commented on her pictures or someone else will have accepted her friend request. She might have some hot new friends to make George jealous,’ Vicky reflected.
She was right. During the hour that they were in the kitchen making cheese and pickle toasties, Diana got six picture comments and messages from five of her male friends. One of those friends was George.
‘Listen to this! “Czesc!!! Tell me more about yourself, like for example where in Poland are you from? How did you find my profile and why did you add me? I’m looking forward to hearing from you. See you smacznego.” Then he’s put a little kiss and a smile. What does smacznego mean?’ Vicky wondered aloud.
‘I’ve got no idea. Trust him to try and speak Polish to her. Nobody else has done that,’ Flic snorted.
‘Let’s look it up,’ Vicky bubbled, her enthusiasm returning now that they were getting quick results.
‘I can’t get my head around the fact that he’s using Polish words. The whole reason for making Diana Polish was because Polish was a language he definitely didn’t speak. This is a disaster!’ Flic groaned. ‘Maybe he’s testing her out because he’s suspicious.’
‘Relax! He doesn’t suspect a thing. He’s just trying to impress her,’ Vicky shrugged.
‘I don’t know, I think he’s a bit suspicious,’ Flic countered, her guilt clearly fuelling her paranoia.
‘According to this website, the literal translation for smacznego is bon appétit. So what’s he trying to say? Enjoy your dinner?’ Vicky scoffed.
‘I don’t know,’ Flic muttered. Part of her had hoped that, even though she took this case on, she would never have to converse with George. She hoped it was a big fat failure so that she would never have to speak to him. She felt like banging her head against the wall, realising that those hopes conflicted with her wish that Amy experienced the exact same heartbreak she had felt. She really did wish he would hurt Amy – just without having to be involved in any way herself.
She had to put her indifferent face back on. She couldn’t let anyone witness her feeling anything at all where George was concerned. She took a deep breath and attempted to steady her nerves.
‘Chill! I told you, he’s just trying to impress her. Look, this site says that smacznego means tasty. He fancies her. He’s trying to flirt with her. We’re halfway there already Flic! That’s enough to report back to Amy,’ Vicky blustered. If Amy was satisfied with that one comment, they could forget this ever happened.
‘Great,’ Flic respond without enthusiasm
. ‘I’ll email Amy tonight.’
‘Uh-oh,’ Vicky gasped. ‘Adam’s sent her a message.’
‘What does it say?’ Flic panicked, scrambling off the bed and rushing to the computer.
‘Not much really. He just says hi and it’s nice to see a picture of her. He’s asked if he knows her because she’s added him and his mate Magnus,’ Vicky summarised.
‘He sounds suspicious,’ Flic said.
‘Of course he does. He works for HunE-trap Investigations. He knows a fake profile when he sees one.’
‘I suppose,’ Flic conceded.
‘Oh my God,’ Vicky panicked.
‘What?’
‘Oh no.’
‘What is it? Is it Adam? Or George?’
‘No, it’s Magnus. He’s put a comment on for her. A public one. This will ruin everything!’
‘What has he said?’ Flic quavered.
‘He says, “I know you! You’re The Big Issue seller from Inverness! Why have you lied about who you are?” Flic, what are we going to do?’
14
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5th March
Hi mate :(
When I started this company along with Flic, I thought it would be glamorous and sexy. I saw myself as a sort of real life Bond girl, all smouldering glances across the roulette table, sipping champagne and pulling my dress down a tad to reveal cleavage and entice my client’s husband or boyfriend.
Clearly there are loads of other women who feel the same. HunE-trap Investigations has received more enquiries from women wanting to be HunE-trappers than from people who actually want to use our investigation services.
The emails are all pretty similar. “I’m interested in being a HunE-trap girl. Do I need any training or previous experience?” The answer is no. To quote Flic, “All you need is the ability to crawl without laddering your tights.”
We’ve found out the truth is, it’s not glamorous, or sexy. It’s plain boring most of the time. We’re not real life Bond girls. We’re not sophisticated spies. We’re just girls with Internet access. I still sit at the computer in my pyjamas every night, looking dowdy, but now I also feel icky because I’m part of an organisation where we’re paid to flirt with some repulsive letch with a daft girlfriend who lets him away with it. Perhaps the most depressing thing is that even though they’ve gone to all the trouble to find out for sure what rats their men are, about eighty percent of the women who use our service just carry on with their relationships, regardless of what we discover.