by Marie Brown
delicious stroking at more than simple back skin.
Kama whimpered. Why, oh why, did she have to be in such a dilemma? She'd not really committed to Callie, true, but she knew Callie assumed they'd be together for a very long time. She'd even spoken of marriage a time or two, having a public ceremony to celebrate their union. But Kama had held back.
Of course, Callie knew why she'd held back from a full commitment. How could she not? They slept together. No way in hell Kama would be able to hide the way she still woke from dreams crying out for Lorrine.
Callie never held that against her, though, and always forgave Kama for calling for another woman while she slept. What a kind soul. She certainly didn't deserve what Kama had nearly done to her tonight, the ultimate betrayal of love and trust.
And Callie had been there for her all along, loving her through all the bad times as well as the good. What kind of rotten person would reward such love with betrayal? Certainly not Kama. That sounded more something a man would do.
Despite the pain in her heart, Kama straightened her shoulders again and moved on through the square, grateful now for the brisk breeze that cooled her overheated blood.
When she reached the school, the building wrapped around her with an almost stiflingly tight hug. Kama moved through the taut corridors and dropped the remaining coins back into the treasury box, trying not to see Lorrine in memory, looking at her with such desperate lust.
Then she made her way through the strangulation to her own room, the one she shared with Callie. It took a lot of willpower to reach out and open the door, the simple action she'd performed hundreds upon hundreds of times. But she did it, and she stepped through the door, straight into the situation she'd dreaded since the moment Alyse told her Lorrine had returned from the dead and wanted to speak to her.
"Hello, Kama," Callie said, looking up from a book. She loved to read. "I confess, I'm rather surprised to see you."
"What? Why should you be?"
"The whole school is abuzz with the news, don't you know."
Well, if she'd ever considered, however briefly, not telling Callie about Lorrine, looked like that option was shot down pretty thoroughly.
"What news?"
"The return of your exotic lover, of course."
"My what? Callie, Lorrine's not my lover. She never has been, and never will be. I told her to move on, that my life is here. With you."
Maybe that sounded too much like an afterthought. Callie carefully marked her place in the book and set it aside. Then she rose and faced Kama squarely, eye to eye, for they stood the same height.
"Kama, do you think I'm an idiot? Everyone saw you two in the hallway, don't you know. They saw the two of you together. They saw you leave for an inn, hours ago. And you dare tell me nothing happened? With your dress all mussed, and your hair in disarray, and the guilt written plain on your face?"
"Guilt for what? Nothing happened!"
Well, nothing except Kama teasing Lorrine to the point where her control had snapped. But really, there was little harm in a kiss.
"Your eyes say differently, Kama. You can't deny that you love this woman. You've always loved her, damn you. Do you seriously think I don't know that's why you call for her?"
"I can't help what I say when I'm dreaming!"
"No? But you certainly can control what you say when we're in bed. Or did you think I'd miss it when you call out for Lorrine in the heat of passion?"
"I never!"
But Callie's angry glare didn't waver, and Kama began to blush a shocking shade of crimson. "Yes, you do," Callie nodded.
"I-I don't remember-if I ever did such a thing, I didn't do it on purpose!"
"And what of all the poetry you've written about your lovely desert rose, who hides behind her thorns?"
"What! Callie, how do you know-you're not supposed to read my notebooks!"
"Then you shouldn't leave them laying about in the open."
"I left them out because I never dreamed you would invade my privacy! If I want you to read something, by damn I will thtocken well tell you to read it!"
"No matter, Kama." Callie shrugged, looking away. "What's done is done. And as it turns out, this is probably a good thing."
"What?"
Kama suddenly felt apprehension clench at her guts. Something about the casual dismissal in Callie's eyes. . .
"I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"I've got a girlfriend, Kama. Her name is Sherise, and she's been after me to marry her for months now. I've been putting her off because I didn't want to hurt you. I know how emotionally unstable you are. . . "
Kama knew Callie continued speaking, because she could see her mouth moving. But she couldn't hear anything. The world faded away, receding at the end of a long tunnel, just like it had when Lorrine had left with Derfek. Her vision wavered, and so did her knees. Kama sank to the floor in something just barely more controlled than a collapse, then Callie's words faded back in.
". . . need to pretend, Kama. I know you don't love me. So get up off the blasted floor, and quit acting like the doomed heroine."
But I do, Kama started to think, then stopped. She'd never once said she loved Callie. Not even in bed. Not even after good loving, when they lay twined together and purring like kittens. She'd never said it, because it wasn't true.
"I turned her away," she whispered. Callie's eyes, openly scornful, mocked her. "I told her no!"
"Kama, you ridiculously screwed up fool, it doesn't matter."
Kama looked at Callie, eyes once again filling with tears. She hated crying. It made her face come out in blotches.
"This last year, when I've held you in my arms, it's only been your body, don't you understand? I've never held your heart. You've always been in love with this other woman of yours, and she leaves no room in your heart for me. None. Do you think I'm too stupid to notice?"
"Callie, don't go! I'll stay with you, I'll love you. . . " Kama's words choked off, and suddenly she wondered what she fought for here. A woman who'd been unfaithful, to the point of almost marrying another? A woman she'd never loved, who didn't compare to Lorrine, the one she'd sent away. . .
"No, Kama. I've been trying to figure out the right way to end this for a long time. Now you've given me the perfect opportunity. Goodbye, Kama. I'll be by to collect my things tomorrow, while you're in class. Or while you're chasing after your wild Dargasi, either way."
Kama watched from the floor, numb, as Callie calmly plucked her cloak off the hook by the door and walked out of the room, and out of Kama's life.
The door closed with a sense of finality. Kama tried to get up, then dissolved into tears again as she realized just how final that door was, closing on her future. With no Callie, and no Lorrine, what good was life anymore?
Dream
The next day plodded along in a thoroughly uneventful blur, always a good thing on the road. Lorrine rose with the birds, ate minimal amounts of her small food supply, and walked. Not like she had under geas, of course. Just normal walking, with a stop at every stream for a drink, and equally as many stops to pee behind bushes. The countryside shifted gradually around her, and Lorrine used the slow transition from farmlands to wilds as a background to her thoughts.
Today she almost felt a little better about the situation. She'd spent the recent past, every day since she'd accidentally killed Derfek, in a state of desperate, quivering hope and fear, wondering what would happen in the future. Because the second Derfek died, a tiny little voice inside her began suggesting she go track down Kama. That had only been magnified and reinforced by the shadow-things, not created. What had the Shrouded One called them? Ashantri? Whatever. They'd sent her on a path she'd already considered. And she'd itched and twitched with nerves until Kama had confirmed that she'd moved on, that there was no chance. Never mind the steaming hot way she'd demonstrated the functionality of her dress, there was no chance for a relationship.
Rather f
reeing, that knowledge. No matter how hideously painful it felt to find out her hopes were for naught, at least now she knew, and could begin to move forward in her own life. The pain inside would heal. Perhaps not all the way, because Lorrine really did believe Kama was the one woman for her, but it would ease away and become less immediate until only a dull and distant ache remained.
And in the meantime, while Lorrine waited for the raw wound that used to be her heart to heal up, she had a future to explore. And what an odd future it looked, too, doing the work of a goddess who demanded that her followers love one another. Lorrine flinched away from that thought, then smiled. At least the encounter with Kama would have laid Biao Tanu's concerns to rest. After all, the goddess would have witnessed everything through the crystal, and seen beyond any shadow of doubt that Lorrine's Dargasi heritage hadn't given her any trouble whatsoever this time when she held a woman in her arms.
This part of the world spread around her empty and barren, a wonderful backdrop for reflection and internal transformation. It made her rather sad, though, because this very land she walked through right now used to be lush and green, covered with an ancient forest filled with Great Trees that could speak, and all the ancient races, the ones all but forgotten in the adult world. But Lorrine wasn't so far removed from her childhood self that she couldn't remember the stories her father would tell her at bedtime. Centaurs, and dryads, and djinn, and many, many other species had once populated this land. But then the humans