by Kaley Colter
Penny closed her eyes, trying to dispel the tears that threatened. She missed him so much. Her heart ached for him, and the pain was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. She carried the hurt with her every second of every day, and it hadn’t abated in the slightest.
Ethan was so different with her now. Every time they had to speak to each other at work, his voice was detached and impersonal, and he looked at her as though she wasn’t even there. It was like he was looking and talking to a ghost, and it made Penny sick to her stomach every time she had to experience it. It was clear that she no longer meant anything to him. She was as inconsequential as the tiniest speck of dust on the largest gust of wind.
Penny jumped when the bathroom door swung open, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw that it was Ellie.
“Penny!” Ellie exclaimed with a smile. “I was wondering where you were. I came by to drop off Nick’s lunch—he’s always forgetting it, that man—and I swung by your office but you weren’t there.” She stepped toward her friend, her giddiness fading when she saw the grief on Penny’s face. “Sweetie, is everything okay? What’s wrong?”
Penny buried her face in her hands and let out a sob. “Ethan and I…we split up.”
Ellie stopped short in her tracks, her eyes wide with shock. The news had clearly caught her off guard, and it took a second or two before she reached out an arm around Penny’s shoulders and gave her friend a squeeze. “Oh, Penny,” she said softly, an expression of deep, genuine sympathy written on her face. “I’m so sorry.”
Ellie pulled Penny away from the mirror and guided her out of the bathroom. “Can we sit in your office and shut the door and talk about it for a while? I’ll yell at anyone who tries to interrupt us.”
Penny nodded. “Sure, Ellie. I would love that.”
Penny walked back to her office in a daze, leaning on Ellie for support. She sat down wearily behind her desk, watching as Ellie closed the door and seated herself in Penny’s spare chair.
Ellie looked down into her lap, shaking her head slowly. “I’m so…surprised,” she said quietly. “I had a gut feeling that you two would last, that you were so right for each other. How did this happen?”
Penny sighed dejectedly. “I guess it all boils down to me. He wanted to take a big step in our relationship, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m too damaged to have that kind of trust. And he said he couldn’t be with me if that’s the way I felt. And then it was over, just like that.”
Ellie pursed her lips in thought. “But, does a part of you want to take that big step?”
Penny stared at the floor for a moment before answering. “Yes,” she said in a small voice. “If I knew that everything would work out, I wouldn’t hesitate. But I don’t know that it’ll work out. And I can never know.”
“Do you love him?” Ellie asked quietly.
Penny looked up at her friend. “Yes,” she said firmly. “I do.”
“But the fact that you love him isn’t enough, is it?”
Penny shook her head sadly. “No, I don’t think it is. I don’t think this is something I can get over. And for Ethan, that was a deal breaker. And I understand.”
Ellie scooted forward and reached out across the desk to give Penny’s hand a squeeze. “I wish that you were able to get over your reservations, but none of us are perfect. There are some flaws that we just can’t fix, no matter how hard we try. So don’t get too down on yourself, Penny. Maybe the answer is to find someone who can love you in spite of those flaws.”
Penny nodded. “Ya, maybe,” she said. “But one thing’s for sure, working with Ethan is killing me. I can’t do it. I can’t stay at Novum. It’s too hard.”
Ellie jerked her face up to her friend’s in alarm. “Wait—does that mean you’re looking for another job?”
“Yes,” Penny answered quietly. “I have two interviews lined up for next week.”
“Oh, Penny. I’m going to be so sad to see you go,” Ellie said, her face growing heavy with sorrow.
Penny tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “Me too,” she said, her voice strained. “I wish it hadn’t turned out like this.”
Chapter 11
Ethan looked over at Penny as she spoke to the foremen about bringing construction up to code with the revised designs. They were on site of their wind turbine project, and she was dressed up in all her safety gear—hard hat, steel-toed boots, and safety vest. He couldn’t help but smile. She was so tiny that she looked like a kid dressed up for Halloween, although her attitude was undoubtedly that of an assertive, intelligent professional. She always spoke with confidence and grace, commanding the attention and respect of everyone in earshot. That was one of the things he loved about her.
He sighed and turned away, flipping through the inspection checklists that he had on a clipboard in his hands. God, he missed her. But he had to let her be so that she would come to the realization that she needed to let him help her get better. There was no other way. She had to learn the lesson for herself.
He glanced up from his papers as Nick came trudging over, grinning at how comical Nick looked wearing a high-end suit with a hard hat and big, muddy boots.
“Hey, Ethan,” Nick called out. “How are the inspections going?”
“Good. No major problems so far,” Ethan replied as his boss came to stand beside him. “The screwup with the blades has been fixed, and we’re just going over everything with a fine-tooth comb so we can avoid another tantrum from Gary.”
“And Penny’s letting the workers know about the revisions?”
“Yep. She’s doing it right now.”
Nick looked over at Penny and smiled. “Damn it, that woman is good at her job.”
Ethan nodded, feeling his heart fill with pride. “She really is. Probably smarter than most of us were when we just got out of school.”
“So do you know of any other mechanical engineers who you think would be a good fit for Novum? Did any of the other candidates we interviewed catch your eye?”
Ethan squinted in confusion. “Uh ya, there were a couple that I thought would do well. Why? Are you thinking of hiring another mechanical? Do we really need one?”
“No. Did I not tell you? Penny handed in her two weeks’ notice a couple of days ago. We need to find a replacement.”
Ethan blinked in shock. “What? Are you kidding me?”
Nick shook his head. “No, Ethan. Why are you so surprised? You know how common it is for people to switch jobs early in their career. They have to figure out what they want. And I’m sure there are…other reasons why she wants to leave, as well.”
Ethan let out a breath. So Penny had probably told Ellie what happened, and Ellie had told Nick. Goddamn it, how he hated a trail of gossip.
“Did you at least try to talk her out of it?” Ethan asked.
“Of course, Ethan. Penny’s been amazing, you know I wouldn’t want to lose her. I even offered to move her to a different department. But the answer was no. I’m sorry.”
Nick reached into his pocket when his cell phone started ringing, giving Ethan a sympathetic pat on the shoulder before turning away and taking the call.
Fuck. Had he played this all wrong? He had left Penny because he’d thought there was no other way to make her see how important it was to start treating her lymphoma, but it looked like his plan was completely backfiring.
If Penny left and moved away to a new job, he would lose her. She would disappear and make sure that she would never be found. He had thought she would come back to him, had been sure that all she needed was time to understand how self-destructive she was being. But now it looked like he was never farther away from getting her back.
He threw his clipboard inside his pickup truck and rushed over toward Penny. He needed to talk to her. He couldn’t let this happen.
It looked like her conversation with the workers was over. The men she had been addressing were turning away and heading back to their equipment, and Penny was standing marking up some
papers with her pen.
When he walked up behind her, she turned around and looked up at him, surprised. “Ethan,” she said, clearing her voice. “What is it?”
God, she looked ill. The skin on her face was so pale—even her lips had lost nearly all of their usual pinkish hue. Her eyes looked slightly sunken, and the bags around them were incredibly dark. And she was so thin that she looked like she might break apart at the slightest breeze. He had no doubt that she’d lost several pounds in the couple of weeks that they had been broken up.
She couldn’t carry on like this. What made her think that she could continue to live and work with her health in such terrible condition? He was so desperate to help her that he was seriously contemplating tying her up, throwing her over his shoulder, and bringing her to a hospital.
“Penny, why are you leaving Novum?” he asked, trying to keep his voice gentle.
“I just think it would be a good career move, that’s all,” she said, turning her eyes to the ground.
Ethan ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Penny, please. Cut the bullshit. It’s me. Talk to me. Tell me the truth.”
Penny gritted her teeth and closed her eyes. When she opened them, he could see that she had shed her impersonal facade. “I can’t work with you anymore, Ethan. It’s too hard.”
“Penny,” he said imploringly, “it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Please, think about what you’re doing.”
Penny shot him a bitter look. “What is to you?”
“What the hell kind of question is that, Penny?”
“It’s a very reasonable question, actually. We’re not together anymore, you’ve made that perfectly clear. And for the past couple of weeks you’ve talked to me like I’m nothing more than a stranger to you. So why wouldn’t I question why you suddenly give a damn?”
Ethan had to turn around from her for a moment to calm himself. His throat went tight with grief. Did she actually think he didn’t care? Hearing her say that shot like an arrow through his heart. He prayed that she didn’t mean it. She was angry, resentful, but please, God, she couldn’t actually mean it.
When he turned back around, she was already walking away from him. He trotted after her, fear gripping his chest.
“Penny,” he called out as he grabbed her arm. “For God’s sakes, please talk to me.”
She spun around and looked at him angrily. “Let go of my arm, Ethan,” she said shakily as she tried to tug herself away from him.
Ethan tightened his grip on her arm. “Not until you talk to me.”
She flicked her eyes up toward his, her face suddenly looking very tired. “Please, Ethan, let go,” she said weakly.
“No, Penny. We’re talking about this. Right now.”
She swayed on her feet, her skin turning frighteningly white. “Let go, Ethan. You need to let go…I…don’t feel well.”
Ethan looked at her, his stomach turning with a sickening feeling of dread. “Penny? Penny, honey, what’s the matter? What is it?”
He pulled her closer to him, trying to get her to answer, but her eyes drifted closed. She was no longer resisting his hold on her arm. Her body went weak, and she slid to the ground as her legs failed her.
Ethan knelt down in the mud beside her, placing his hand underneath her head. “Penny? Penny, honey, wake up. Come on, Penny, wake up. Wake up!”
He was stroking her face, trying to stimulate her awake. His hands were shaking, his whole body tense with fear.
He heard Nick running toward them. “What’s going on?” Nick called out. “What happened? Is she okay?”
“She needs an ambulance!” Ethan yelled over his shoulder.
He turned back to look down at her. She looked so, so sick. He took off her hard hat and smoothed his hand tenderly over her beautiful auburn hair.
“It’s okay, honey. You’ll be okay. Hold on, just hold on, baby.”
Chapter 12
Penny could feel that she was in an unfamiliar bed. It wasn’t hers, and it wasn’t Ethan’s either, and although she was incredibly curious as to where the hell she was, she hadn’t yet opened her eyes to take a peek at her surroundings because it felt like a goddamn anvil was pounding inside her head. Taking a deep breath, she slowly blinked open her eyes and discovered white sheets and a white blanket and an overall very white room. Feeling an itch at her wrist, she craned her head down to determine the cause of discomfort, finding a hospital bracelet and an IV drip.
Great. I’m in the hospital.
She tried to get herself into a sitting position so she could catch sight of a nurse or doctor walking past her room and demand that they get her the hell out of there. Much to her surprise, however, moving her body was far from an easy task. She felt weak and sluggish and utterly exhausted, and wished that she had someone there to help her sit up.
She heard movement to the side of her and was startled to find Ellie sitting in one of the chairs by the bed. She looked to have been sleeping, and Penny supposed that her recent attempt to change positions on the bed must have woken her up.
“Penny,” Ellie said sleepily, rubbing her eyes. “You’re finally awake!”
“‘Finally?’ What do you mean?”
Ellie did a little stretch and scooted her chair closer to the bed. “You fell unconscious yesterday afternoon,” she explained. “Don’t you remember?”
Penny shook her head. “Not particularly…” she said, carefully reviewing the events of the previous day in her head.
“You were at site. With Ethan.”
Fuck.
Now she remembered. Right after she had spoken with the workers, Ethan had confronted her about switching jobs, and then he had grabbed onto her arm as she tried to walk away from him. And then everything had gone black.
Penny cleared her throat. “Right. Okay, I remember now.” She paused, hoping Ethan hadn’t filled Ellie in about that scene between them yesterday. “Um, do you know what time it is?”
Ellie glanced down at her watch. “Eight o’clock in the morning.”
Wow. She had been out for a long time.
“So what happened after I passed out?” Penny asked.
“Ethan and Nick called an ambulance right away. You were really dehydrated and had a dangerously high fever, so the doctors gave you an IV and put you on some acetaminophen.”
“Oh,” Penny said. “Well, I don’t feel feverish anymore, and I’m sure my fluid levels are fine, seeing that I’ve had an IV since yesterday. So I’m sure I can go home now. Isn’t there a button somewhere that I can press to have a nurse come in or something?” she asked, searching around her bed for the alert button.
“Penny,” Ellie called out, her tone serious. “Stop.”
Penny looked up at her friend. “What do you mean? Am I looking in the wrong place for the button?”
Ellie shook her head. “No, Penny. I know. About your lymphoma.”
Penny’s breath caught in her throat. “Oh.”
“You need to stop running away from this problem, sweetie.”
Penny looked down into her lap. She didn’t want to have this argument with Ellie. She didn’t want to lose somebody else she loved. So maybe she’d just play along. “I know.”
Ellie shook her head. “No, Penny. You don’t know. The doctors came in and told us how much your health has degenerated. Penny, listen to me.” She paused, staring hard at her friend. “You are going to die if you don’t get this treated.”
There it was. The cold, hard truth that she had been trying to bury ever since she was diagnosed. She didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want to acknowledge its existence or pay it the slightest attention. She was young. She had a career that she had to focus on, bills that she had to pay. She couldn’t be sick. There was no time. No money.
Ellie reached out and took Penny’s hand into hers. “This is serious, Penny. I know your life has been hard, and I know it’s easier to go into denial rather than face up to this disease. But you have to start doing something. N
ow. We all care about you, and we’re all worried sick.”
“We?” Penny asked, looking up sadly at her friend.
“Yes. We. Me, Nick. And Ethan.”
Penny bit down on her lip. “Ethan?” she whispered.
“Yes. Ethan. He was with you the entire time, Penny. Rode with you in the ambulance. Stayed all night by your bedside. The only reason he’s not here is because two construction workers from the night shift got injured at four o’clock this morning. He and Nick had to rush to site to file a report and deal with all the legal hassle. He refused to leave unless I’d come to the hospital so you’d have someone with you when you woke up.”
Penny closed her eyes. She felt a lump rise in her throat as memories from the day before started filtering back into her mind.
Ethan had been with her. She remembered the feeling of his hand squeezing hers. She remembered him stroking her hair as the nurse inserted her IV. Remembered hearing his voice as he spoke with the doctor in low, hushed tones. And the way his fingertips trembled as they swept across her cheek. And the sound of his shaky breaths as he kissed her neck.
And she remembered his fear when she had fallen to the ground. Remembered what he had said to her as she started to drift further and further away.
It’s okay, honey. You’ll be okay. Hold on, just hold on, baby.
Penny tried to blink away her tears. Oh God, what had she done? She had been sure that he had wanted nothing to do with her anymore, but she was starting to realize that she was the one who had pushed him away. How could she have been so incredibly stupid? And so, so selfish. She had put her fears and insecurities above a man who loved her and wanted to do everything in his power to help her. She had chosen her fears over him, and it devastated her to realize it.
Ellie gave Penny a small smile. “I hope you know what you have to do now.”
Penny nodded. “I do. I really do.”
Chapter 13
Ethan knocked softly on Penny’s apartment door, three slow raps of his knuckle. He waited, hearing her footsteps as she approached and knowing when the sound ceased that she was standing right on the other side. He looked down and saw her shadow spilling out underneath the door and onto his feet. He heard her pull off the chain, turn the deadbolt, and twist the door handle. And then she was there, standing before him, looking up at him with tired, sorrowful eyes.