by BJ Harvey
I can’t work out why he is so interested in me. I’m aloof, standoffish, and to be honest, shut off. Why would anyone want to spend any longer than they had to with me? In my dark moments, I don’t even want to spend time with myself.
So now he’s in my living room and I’m in my bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror while trying to hold off a panic attack. I don’t invite people into my home, but I didn’t really think about it when I asked to drop by my apartment. It’s my sanctuary, my escape from the big bad world out there, and Brax is the first person I’ve ever allowed inside.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I think back to my past experiences with men. It has been limited to meaningless hookups while trying to make myself feel something again. I’ve learned that there are two types of men. The ones who are forward and go after what they want, and the ones that work slowly, gently pushing their way in and then striking while the iron is hot. Brax is obviously a believer in the latter. It has only been a week and we’ve already met up twice, texted, and now a meal. He comes across as someone who doesn’t want to miss an opportunity when it presents itself.
It’s not like he knows much about me. I could be some crazy psycho woman who has ten cats and a secret teaspoon collecting fetish. He could be a fugitive or a closet evangelist wanting to save my soul.
God, I hope not.
I sit down on the edge of my bathtub and put my head between my legs, trying to concentrate on slowing down my breathing. It’s only dinner for Christ’s sake, not a lifelong commitment. Pull yourself together, Elle. I quickly check my makeup and hair and wash my hands before heading towards the living room.
I walk through the hallway door. He’s staring out my window with a troubled look on his face. Maybe he has changed his mind about dinner or about being here with me.
“Brax?” I question quietly.
When he turns around, his eyes widen and I’m met with a look of shock that quickly grows into a wide grin. I’ve changed into a tight, short sleeved, red top, black skinny jean paired with my favorite black knee-high boots and finished off with a black bolero to cover my arms. As he looks me up and down, the look on his face turns into something more, his eyes are full of lust, bordering on hunger. He walks towards me holding out his hand and stares me straight in the eyes.
“Elle, you look stunning. I feel almost unworthy now.”
“You look good too, Brax.”
We just stand there, silently taking each other in, and my panic disappears. Suddenly I feel a blanket of calm surround me. This is surreal. I haven’t felt embraced like this since my family was alive. He breaks the spell.
“Let’s get you fed,” he says, lacing our fingers together in an intimate move that shocks me, but I don’t let it show as he moves me towards the front door. My hand feels so warm in his.
If this is what it feels like to get too close to the fire, I’m feeling more and more inclined to give myself up to the flame.
Halfway to our destination, I suddenly realize that I haven’t told Elle where we are going.
“You like pizza, right?”
“Of course. What college student doesn’t?” she retorts with a smile.
God, I love it when she smiles. It may not be a huge ‘light up the room’ grin, but seeing how she distances herself from everything, a small smile from her is a concession I’ll take anytime.
We arrive at the pizzeria and take a booth towards the back. I make sure I’m facing the door, back to the wall. It’s a habit that has been ingrained into me through my years of training, just like scanning the place automatically when we walk in.
I’m well aware that I’m seven years older than Elle, but thankfully she hasn’t shown any sign that our age difference bothers her. God, I hope it doesn’t. I’m trying to act a little younger, but I don’t want to pretend with Elle. She deserves more than that.
A waitress approaches our table. “Hi! I’m Tina, your waitress for the evening. What can I get you guys to drink?”
On autopilot I reply, “A beer,” wincing when I realize that Elle isn’t old enough to drink.
“I can drink a soda or something if it makes you uncomfortable?” I say to her.
She looks back at me, amused that I’m trying to be considerate. “It’s fine. I can be around alcohol, you know. Go ahead, old man,” she replies teasingly. I can’t help but raise an eyebrow at her sassiness. Another new side to her I haven’t seen before. She continues to surprise me with all her different layers.
“A soda and a beer. Do you know what you want to eat?” the waitress questions.
I nod my head at Elle. “It’s your pick.”
“Hmm, how about a pepperoni with extra cheese?”
Even though I should be keeping my carbs down, I nod in agreement. “Sounds good.”
“So, do you think we’re on the right track with the assignment?” I ask, trying to keep the conversation light and not overtly personal.
“Yeah I think we’ll ace it,” she says with a smile.
“Great. I couldn’t have done it without your help, that’s for sure. You seem like a natural at that kind of stuff.”
Her eyes widen at my praise, like she’s not used to hearing compliments. She stutters through a reply, “T-Thank you, but don’t underestimate yourself. I mean, you had some great ideas too.”
I can’t help but grin at her now. Cute and sweet, a gorgeous combination. I don’t know what it is about her tonight, but she seems a lot more relaxed in my company. I’m relieved and I’m finding myself thankful for more personal reasons than professional.
Eyes on the prize, Brax.
Our drinks arrive and I take a swig of the ice cold beer which goes down way too nicely. Sipping her cola, I catch her looking up at me through her lashes.
Damn, that’s hot. My mind wanders as I think about the way she could look while doing other things.
Removing her lips from her straw, she lifts her head. “Got any plans for the weekend?”
That breaks my train of thought and I can’t stop the grin creeping up my face. “Not really. Are you looking for something to do?” I hear her breath catch in her throat. She is so cute when she’s flustered. I know I’ve put her on the spot, but I really want her to make the next move.
“Um…I mean, I wasn’t…. uh, maybe,” she replies with a shy smile. “I mean, I don’t have any plans, but if you wanted to catch up, you know, to go over the assignment or something... I’m game.”
I can tell she’s in uncharted waters now, so I’m going to be gentle on her. I don’t want her pulling back, especially when she’s come so far in the last week. “Yeah, we could do that, or we could just hang out.” I can’t stop smiling at her reaction to this whole conversation.
“Yeah, okay. Sounds good,” she replies quietly. I swear I hear a sigh of relief when the pizza is placed on the table in front of us. Catching the aroma from the pizza, I realize how hungry I am. With everything going on, I haven’t eaten since this morning.
“Dig in, Elise, before I demolish this whole pizza and disgust you with my huge manly appetite,” I say, rubbing my stomach. The giggle she gives me is adorable, and I’d do anything to hear that again. I look up from my half-eaten slice and notice that her eyes have a new sparkle to them. They’re so unlike her file photo, her green eyes appear even more striking in person. I frown at myself. I’m in trouble here.
Rule of operations #1: Don’t get too close to the target.
Well that rule has been seriously broken and trampled on. So glad Gibbons and the boss are back in Georgia, that’s for sure.
She notices me frowning and asks, “Hey, are you all right?”
“Of course, babe. Sorry, just thinking that this pizza isn’t going to be big enough for the both of us.” I laugh but realize she’s not laughing with me. She’s staring at me. What did I say? Then I realize that I slipped and called her babe.
Shit!
He called me babe?
I tense up and peek up through my
lashes at him. The look on his face is telling me that he just realized what he said.
He caught me off guard with his quick comeback about spending time with him on the weekend. I seriously wasn’t trying to push him into seeing me again and I was horrified that I could be so careless with my comment, but relaxed a bit when he said we should hang out. I’ve felt so comfortable tonight, a big change from this afternoon when I was so on edge around him. It still feels like I’m in uncharted waters, though. I’ve been shut off for so long and keeping away from people, especially males.
It’s not like it’s the best conversation starter. “By the way, my parents were murdered three years ago so I have no family. But don’t worry, I have a lot of money that I don’t know what to do with.”
Brax seems different, though. I can’t pinpoint what it is exactly, but he is making it so easy to let my guard down, it’s almost like he’s trying to knock it out with a sledge hammer. I wonder if it is a good thing because letting my guard down leaves me open to getting hurt again. What happens if we get close, but when he finds out about me and my past he can’t disappear fast enough?
I’d be alone and broken again.
But hearing him call me babe, I kind of like it. I could never admit that to him, though.
“Elle, are you okay?” Brax asks, snapping me out of my self-pitying monologue.
“Oh. Yeah, sorry, just thinking about something. It’s all good. Hey, we should get going. It’s late, and I don’t want to keep you.” I want to go back to my apartment now. Thinking about getting hurt again makes me feel like the walls are closing in again. I need the sanctuary that my home provides.
Brax seems taken aback by my need to leave. “Yeah, sure. Let me take care of the bill, and I’ll walk you home.” He stands and makes his way to the counter to pay for our meal. I breathe out a sigh of relief, knowing that I’ll be in back in my sanctuary soon. Back where I won’t have to watch what I say or do.
Brax comes back to the table and holds out his hand to me. I look up at him, and his returning smile melts away any uncertainty I have. I smile back at him as I grab my purse and put my hand in his. He laces our fingers together and leads me outside. We turn in the direction of my building and walk hand in hand down the sidewalk. The warm feeling is back and my unease has all but disappeared again.
It’s like his touch is my salve and to be completely honest, I’m liking it.
Stepping out of the restaurant, I do a quick check of the street. Nothing seems out of place or suspicious, but I can’t relax just yet. I’ll feel a lot better when we’re off the street and she’s back in the safety of her building. We’ve got a bug in her apartment now, for security in case Shay and I are engaged elsewhere. If anything out of the ordinary happens, it will raise an alarm back at headquarters and we’ll be paged or the police will be called immediately. I hated invading her privacy when we swept her apartment earlier in the week, but it is a necessary requirement of the job.
I know I’m distracted in my thoughts and Elle picks up on it. “Hey, are you alright? Sorry for losing track of time,” she says, getting my attention.
I look down at her and can’t help but smile. She’s tall for a woman, but still shorter than my six feet, two inches. Her heels probably help, too. Damn, those boots do killer things to her legs. They make them look long and sexy as hell.
“Yeah, ba…Elle, we’re all good. Let’s get you home and out of this cold,” I reply, putting my hand on her back as we walk towards the front door of her building. I feel a warmth radiate through my body whenever I touch her. It is amazing how a simple touch can do that.
When we are almost at her door, I spot Shay’s car parked a few houses down. I nod in his direction, our own signal which lets him know he’s off duty. Once I get home I’ll check in with him and see if he has anything to report, although I’m sure I would have heard by now if it wasn’t safe for her to return home. I’ll still feel better after a debrief. After opening the door and ushering Elle inside, we climb the two flights of stairs to the first floor and reach her apartment door. I’m suddenly feeling nervous. I haven’t felt this way in years.
What am I, a damn teenager?
She smiles then turns to put her key in the door, unlocking and opening the door. Just as she goes to open it, she pauses and turns back to me. She’s looking at my chest, like she is having a war of words in her head. Damn, there is that blush again.
I can’t resist touching her. I place my index finger under her chin and gently raise her face to mine. I slowly move in until I’m close enough to feel her breath on my face. Unable to stop myself, I cup her cheek with my hand. “Good night,” I whisper before I kiss her lips, gently parting them with my tongue. Her whole body stills as her lips and tongue start to follow my lead.
Deciding that I need to pull away before I lose all self-control, I open my eyes and end the rousing kiss. The expression on her face is so enticing and her sparkling green eyes are full of wonder. That was just…
I’m speechless.
I stare down at her, taking her all in. By the look on her face, I’m hoping she feels this too.
“Goodnight, Brax,” she whispers as I pull my hand away from her cheek.
“Goodnight, Elle,” I murmur back, kissing her on the cheek. With a huge smile on my face, I turn and walk away towards the stairs. I don’t look back for fear of losing all of my restraint. I can’t afford to lose control with her. There is too much at stake. Her safety, my job, whatever this is that is developing between us.
Oh my God. He kissed me.
He smelled like beer, pizza and mint. Such a heady combination, but he smelled delicious. It was so sweet and light and my whole mouth was tingling wherever he touched.
My first kiss with Brax and I’m literally ruined.
I quickly open my door and close it behind me. Leaning back against it, I try to calm my frazzled nerves. I shake my head. Damn that man. He has done something no one else has done for the past three years. He has made my heart beat again, made me feel something, and goddamn if I don’t want more of him. I walk towards my bedroom, turning off the lights with only one thing on my mind.
When can I kiss Brax again?
Chapter Four
I wake up around 8 a.m. and lay in bed for a while, just looking at the ceiling. I had another nightmare last night, but it didn’t last long before I woke up, bathed in sweat and shaking. They’ve been coming frequently again.
It’s the same dream every time.
It starts with me, coming home from school camp the day after it had happened, having no idea what the hell what is going on when the Principal ushers me off the bus and takes me down to her office where the school counselor is waiting for us. Then she tells me that my family is gone and, as if she’s speaking my own thoughts, tells me I’m now all alone.
The dream plays out exactly as it all happened. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on it now and sometimes I think it would’ve been better if they had just come out and said the truth—that in reality my family had been tortured and shot at point blank range. How in the space of a few hours, my successful and loving father, my doting mother, and my innocent ten year old sister were ripped from my life.
My sweet sister Paige didn’t even get a chance at life. She had dreams and she had hopes. She used to tell me she wanted to be a nurse when she grew up, and she would have been a great one! She was so caring, a natural nurturer. She got that from my mom, who was amazing.
I remember mom being there every morning when we left for school and every afternoon when we got home. She would ask me about my day and always showed an interest in everything Paige and I did. My father was a workaholic, always telling me that hard work never killed anyone. When he was at home, he treated us like princesses and in many ways my dad was, and still is, my hero.
After their deaths, the news reports that suggested that his business was the reason for the attack. There were investigations, but no suspect ever came to light and nothing
incriminating was found with his company.
My company now, I suppose.
My nightmares always end the same way. Me, walking into my old house that is now red with blood, and coming face to the face with their killer. His black eyes boring into me as we stand in front of each other, unable to move. I see the sparkle in his eyes as he raises the gun towards me, telling me that I’m next. That is when I wake up shaking, tears clinging to my face and my pajamas wet with sweat.
My thoughts are scattered after my dream, but soon enough they return to Brax. The kiss was a surprise and may have been a small moment in time, but to me it was everything. When he put his finger under my chin and lifted my face to his so I couldn’t avoid his gaze any longer, I found it hard to breathe. My heart was racing and my palms were clammy.
I knew the moment our lips touched that the tingly feeling was more than just a physical reaction. I hardly know him, yet I know Brax has already touched my soul. I want to see him again. I want to spend more time getting to know him, finding out what makes him tick and working out how he has managed to do what I haven’t been able to do for the past three years.
Make me feel something again.
Watching him yesterday in the library and last night at the restaurant, I can tell there is an air of authority about him. His movements are calculated, almost mechanical. It’s obvious he was in the Army. You can see it in the way he walks and the way he is always looking around, like he is scanning his surroundings.
Dammit. I can’t deny that Brax has an effect on me like no one else.
After leaving her apartment last night, I send Shay a text asking to meet up. He’s like my verbal conscience, something I need right now since I seem to be ignoring mine every opportunity I get.
We meet up at a bar a few blocks away from my house. After ordering us a round of beers and bringing them back to our seats, Shay sits down and looks at me. I know this look. He’s waiting for me to lay it all out for him. I sent him a text when Elle was having her panic attack in the bathroom before dinner. She must have thought I couldn’t hear her talking to herself and it took every ounce of self-control not to laugh, but it was damn cute.