“In all seriousness, I like the person you are when he’s around. You finally seem to be more yourself.”
Stupid, observant, handsome asshole.
“I feel it,” I admit quietly.
I catch his head nod out of my peripheral.
“Good. Very good. But, Maura? Don’t break his heart, okay? Tuck’s a good guy. He doesn’t deserve that.”
A bark of laughter flies out of my mouth, and I finally peek over at him. “Gaige Addams, are you giving me ‘the speech’? That’s adorable.”
His lips don’t even twitch at my teasing. “I am.”
“I have no intentions of breaking his heart, Gaige,” I tell him seriously.
He considers my statement for a moment, eyeing me with those dark brown soulful eyes of his. “But that’s not a promise.”
I shrug and look away again. “It’s all you’re getting until I get a promise mine won’t get broken either. It’s a two-way street.”
He stands up and takes two steps before he quietly says, “Or three, in your case.”
Asshole.
“You about ready to head out?”
I look up from my phone to find Tucker standing over me. I was so focused on what’s on my screen that I didn’t see him coming.
Glancing back down, I read the text from Tanner one more time. I’m sorry is all it says.
For what?
I assume he feels like he’s done something wrong to warrant me not talking to him these past few days. His assumption would be both true and false. I’m still peeved at him, but I’m also pulling a bitch card and trying to distance myself from him.
I put my phone back in my pocket along with all my Tanner-related worries.
“Ready whenever you are,” I tell him, standing up and stretching.
I don’t miss the way Tucker’s honey-colored eyes scroll down my body.
And I don’t miss how much I enjoy it.
His appraisal is slow and intimate, but I think a lot of that has to do with how deeply he can see me. It feels like when he stares at me, he methodically peels away all my layers at his own leisure, like he’s stripping me down to my soul, seeing me for everything that I truly am.
I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t like it. But I like everything when it comes to Tucker. I like the way he makes me feel, the way he grins at me, the way he laughs with me. I like it when he’s serious. I like it when he’s relaxed. I like it all.
I like him.
“Maurie?” Rae says cautiously, walking up behind us. “Can I have a moment?”
Tucker cocks his head and silently asks me ‘what’s up,’ so I give him a small nod that tells him ‘not now.’ He takes it for what it is. “I’ll give you girls a moment.”
I don’t turn around and face Rae immediately, schooling my face into an indecipherable look.
“Please stop being mad at me.”
That makes me turn around. “Stop being mad at you? I’m not mad, Rae. I’m disappointed.”
Her eyebrows lift at the use of the word, because she knows that’s Maura-speak for worse than mad.
“You were treating me like they do in there, trying to make decisions for me. You know how I feel about that.”
Translation: I fucking hate it.
“That’s not at all what I was telling you,” she tries to explain, stepping closer to me and lowering her voice. “I want you to understand something, Maura. Look at me.” And I do because staring into Rae’s eyes and talking to her is like seeing into her heart. When she requests you do that, it means serious business. “You need to know that what you’re feeling is okay. I promise. It’s okay. You can have feelings for both of them. But you cannot keep living your life for everyone else. You cannot keep toeing the line and doing whatever the hell it is you think you’re supposed to do. Throw it all out the window. Follow your fucking heart for once, Maura. Be you.”
From the second Rae opened her mouth, my heart began beating faster and faster. Not because I’m nervous to hear what she has to say. Not because I thought she was going to be mean. Not because I’m upset with her.
Because she’s right. And I knew she would be.
Rae is the one person in my life who will, no matter what, spit the truth at me and promise not to spare my feelings during it.
I need that. I need honesty and trust. I need to know that someone is going to be there for me no matter what, taking in all the different parts of me and letting me know it’s okay to be me. It’s okay to not conform. It’s okay to take chances.
Rae gives that all to me.
I throw my arms around her neck and squeeze the crap out of her.
“You’re the best best friend a girl could ever have,” I tell her.
She returns the hug with equal ferocity. “Ditto, hooker. I’m sorry I sucked in there. I want you to be happy. For once.”
I laugh lightly. I want that too.
We pull apart. “Okay, go. Leave. My stupid eyes are about to fucking leak, and I don’t need that shit today.”
“Congrats, by the way. You’re getting that fairytale ending we all want in life.”
Rae sighs dreamily. “I am, huh? But you’ll get yours too. Promise.”
I give her a small shrug. “Maybe one day.”
“See you this week?” she says hopefully.
I give her a thumbs up and turn to find Tucker.
I don’t find him out back anywhere, so I walk back inside.
“Your man is out front,” Perry says from his lawn chair, lounging back a little too loosely, his head lolling to the side.
Guess that no-booze talk didn’t go too well.
“My man, eh?”
As he takes a sip from a glass that I’m sure isn’t full of soda, he mumbles, “Seems like it to me.”
I ignore him and promise myself I’ll give him and Rae a call this week so that maybe we can get together to figure out what in the hell is going on with him.
I wave goodbye to Hudson, Rae, and Gaige, having already said goodbye to Joey earlier when she went inside with her friends. Then I walk around the side of Hudson’s house, through the gate, and straight to the front yard.
All the air leaves my lungs as I step to the edge of the yard.
Tucker’s leaning up against his car, arms crossed over his chest, and watching down the road. He appears so serene.
But that’s not my favorite part. It’s the way the moonlight is barely hitting his face and the way the shadows of the street contour to the other half. It’s as if the moon, stars, and clouds are all out for him tonight, showing that there are two sides to Tucker Bentley.
I can’t decide which part of him I like the most—the Tucker he shows everyone else or the Tucker he shows me. Either way I look at it, it’s Tucker. Both sides make up who he is. Both sides make me happy. Both sides make my traitorous heart beat too fast. And worst of all, both sides make me want him like I shouldn’t.
I take a deep breath, finally coming to terms with what I admitted to myself and just how huge it is. Bigger than anything else I’ve ever admitted to. But I think I’m okay with it. It feels right. I feel right. Finally.
Watching him now makes me understand what Rae was meaning, that sometimes the heart wants what it wants. You have to say screw it and go for it. I get that Tucker makes me feel something that Tanner never will. I get that I’ve never—and I mean never—had this sort of connection before. I spent months and months avoiding being in the same room as Tucker, throwing myself into a relationship with his brother, ignoring everything I felt every time we were within ten feet of one another, because of how hard he makes my heart thump. Because of how he looks at me. Because of how much he makes me want to be, well, me. I tossed it all out the window because none of it was what I thought I was supposed to feel, what I was allowed to feel.
But now? Now I’m ready to listen to my heart because Rae is right, and life is too damn short for ‘what ifs.’
I’m ready.
Well, almost.
Because I swear, in this moment, we acknowledge and accept whatever is happening between us.
Then Tucker does something that will change everything between us for the rest of forever—he extends his hand to me.
It changes everything because that’s not all he’s doing. He’s asking me to give up what I have with Tanner, to give into who I am, to become free. Most importantly, he’s asking me to let it all happen with him, letting me know he’s going to support me.
I slowly make my way toward him, never breaking eye contact, my heart threatening to break out of my chest. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boomboomboomboom.
I place my hand into Tucker’s, and he pulls me close, dropping his forehead to mine. We close our eyes and let our breaths mingle between us.
“I hate the way you make me feel. I hate that you get me, that I want you. I hate that we’re in this situation because I’m too much of an asshole to hold it all in. I hate that I’m saying this out loud, but I can’t keep it in anymore. Not when you look at me like you do,” he says softly.
Fuck. That there? It’s everything I hate too.
“I hate it more,” I respond just as quietly.
It’s true; I do. I hate it so much because I know how wrong it is, that I don’t have to say anything to him, but he fully understands what’s going through my mind. I shouldn’t have the urge to press my lips against his every single time I see him.
But no matter what, nothing can happen until I break up with Tanner. Nothing.
So I dig down deep and put on a brave face, pulling away until there’s a good foot between us.
“I think I’m ready to go home now,” I tell him in the strongest voice I can muster.
He studies me carefully and nods once, understanding exactly what I’m saying.
Tucker opens the door for me, but before I get in, he grabs my wrist gently. “Can I take you to that dinner for your parents?”
I look down at where his hand is circled around my arm, observing how different our skin is together. His is wrapped in tattoos and mine is untouched. Together they’re beautiful and complement one another in a way I never expected.
I like how we are together more than I’ve ever liked anything before.
Smiling, I turn toward him and say, “I’d like that.”
Over the next few days, I manage to have lunch with Rae and Perry—who promises to cut back on his drinking after revealing to us that his mom has been contacting him. Rae and I can’t figure out why he waited so long to tell us, but we figure we’re even since I’ve been on the hush-hush with the Tanner/Tucker situation.
I also managed to dodge two phones calls from my mom, because I’ve been busy at work every day, like I am now.
However, I did talk with Tanner twice. Both conversations were awkward as hell, and it wasn’t only on me. He was quiet and distant. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I didn’t. Instead I sat in silence on the other end, feeling guilty for what happened with Tucker on Saturday night, feeling guilty for us admitting that we have feelings we shouldn’t have for one another.
Tucker and I may not be doing anything physically—and we never will as long as I’m with Tanner—but what happened on an emotional level after Joey’s party was unfair to him.
But how can something that feels so amazing be so wrong?
I need to get out of my head, push it all aside and focus on getting through the next week and my parents’ party.
I stop cleaning off the table I’ve been wiping down and check the text that came just through.
Tucker: What color is your dress?
Me: Blue?
Tucker: Why is that a question?
Me: I haven’t seen it yet…
My phone rings instantly.
“They pick out what you wear?” he says in place of a greeting.
“Well hello to you too, Tucker.”
“Sorry. Hi, Maura. They pick out your clothes?”
I laugh at his feeble attempt at correcting himself.
“Sometimes,” I sigh.
“But why? Aren’t you an adult?”
“It’s easier that way. It’s much worse if I show up in a dress I picked out.”
“If I didn’t already know some of the shit they’ve put you through, I’d say your parents suck. But they’re worthy of many other descriptive words I’d feel wrong using on your sheltered ears.”
I can’t help but smile at Tucker’s protectiveness. The drive home from Joey’s party the other night was accompanied by me telling Tucker all about how shitty my parents are to me. And Tucker being Tucker wanted to drive there and tell them off, but I managed to talk him out of it.
“Thanks, Tuck.”
“So blue, huh? Do we have an idea of what shade?”
We.
“She says it’s going to match my eyes,” I tell him.
“Basically, I need to find the prettiest shade of blue there is and go with that?”
“You say the sweetest things,” I tease.
“Only for you, Maura,” he says in a low voice, and I know he’s not trying to be cheesy, that he means it.
“Yo, dickwad! Get off the phone!” I hear Hudson say in the background.
“He has such a pretty mouth when Joey’s not around,” I say.
Tucker laughs. “And he wonders why her piggy bank is so full.” Hudson says something again, but I can’t hear it clearly this time. “All right, I gotta go before I have to dick punch him. See you later?”
The hope I hear in his voice makes me smile briefly. But then I frown because I shouldn’t be smiling at that. And he shouldn’t sound like that.
What the fuck are you doing, Maura? He’s still your boyfriend’s brother. Your. Boyfriend. You have one of those. Stop being a flirt. Stop encouraging him.
“Listen, Tucker, I don’t—”
“Forget I said it, Maura,” he interrupts. I hear the regret and guilt in his voice. He hates this as much as I do, feels just as horrible as I do. “I…I gotta go. Later.
Silence meets my ear. I set my phone down and toss my head back in frustration.
I want us to be able to say things like that to one another, to spend time together one-on-one without it feeling so wrong, without feeling guilty over the fact that I want him so badly.
But I can’t yet. Not until I end things with Tanner, which won’t be until I see him again, because I owe him that much now that I’ve finally admitted to myself—and to Tucker—how I feel.
It would be wrong of me to do anything less.
I’ll avoid spending any time with Tucker outside what is necessary.
There! That’s easy enough. Done.
Once I finish scrubbing down the table I was working on, I head up to the bar.
“You good, girl? You’re stressed,” Benny comments.
“Meh. I need to catch a freakin’ break is all.”
“Boy troubles?”
“You could say that.”
Benny gives a dramatic shiver. “They can suck sometimes. I know all about ‘em, sweetheart. They only get worse with age.”
“Gee, thanks for the pep talk.”
He throws a wink my way and moves down the bar.
The rest of my shift flies by, and before I know it, I’m heading home to my favorite pair of sweats and possibly ice cream.
As I’m digging in my purse to find my keys, I’m not paying attention to what’s in front of me, so when he speaks, he scares the shit out of me.
“You know you should always walk through dark parking lots with your keys in your hand.”
I yelp loudly and jump back about three feet.
“Fuck, Tucker!” I yell, clutching my chest and dropping my keys on the ground. “You scared the shit out of me.”
He walks the four or five feet to me and bends down to pick my keys up.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, taking the keys from his outstretched hand, careful to avoid touching him.
“Was in the neighborhood,” he says, rocking back a little.
I give him a don’t-feed-me-bullshit look. “And the real reason?”
He exhales a long breath and then clears his throat. “I wanted to, uh, apologize. For earlier. I was out of line.”
I give him a small nod, letting him know to continue.
“This whole thing is weird, Maura. Whatever is happening between us is weird. I feel like shit. I’ve felt like shit since Saturday. I feel guilty as fuck, and we haven’t done anything. I feel terrible because I shouldn’t like you like I do. I shouldn’t want to stand here and beg you to break up with my brother because when you look at me I feel like someone finally understands everything about me. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”
I still don’t say anything as he takes a step closer to me, bending down to speak softly into my ear. “Say something. Please.”
I give him a small nod because it’s all I can do to let him know I’m hearing him.
“I want to kiss you, but I can’t. I want to hold your hand, but I can’t. I want to sweep you off your feet, but I can’t. I can’t do any of it, but I want to. I really, really want to.” I nod again because that’s what I want. “But no matter how bad we want it, it can’t happen.”
I turn my head, and our eyes meet. His are darker than their normal bright gold, and his chest is moving in time with mine—which is still too fast.
“I feel it, Tucker. Whatever all this is, I feel it. But you’re right. We can’t. And that’s where we’re leaving it.”
We continue gazing at one another as we come to a silent mutual understanding, and our hearts resume their natural pace.
“So, friend, do you want to meet tomorrow and talk about maybe calling that suit?”
I feel a smile tug at my lips. “I’d love that. Lunch break?”
“One fifteen-ish good?”
“Perfect.”
Tucker winks at me. “I know I am.”
And just like that, all the awkwardness that was hovering over us moments ago vanishes, and we go back to being Maura and Tucker.
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