I shake my head. “If anything, I’m on the anti-diet because Molly has been serving healthy crap at home lately.”
“Excellent,” she says, throwing me a sly look before turning to Nana. “Nana, we’d like two of each type of cupcake, please.”
*
“Oh my god . . . so good,” I say a while later as I balance my half-eaten cupcake in one hand and drive the truck with the other. Of the dozen cupcakes we purchased, Shelby and I have each downed two of them already. “This is so good I could die happy right now.”
“Imagine if someone overheard us right now,” she says, licking some icing off the top of her third cupcake. “Probably sounds like we’re making a porno in here or something.”
“Ew, gross!”
“See?” she says, laughing. “Even that was erotic to the right person.”
“Maybe we should record ourselves and sell it as some kind of audio porn,” I say, shoving the rest of the cupcake in my mouth. With my mouth full, I mumble, “Does this sound sexy, baby?”
We giggle and make equally stupid jokes for the rest of the drive back to Shelby’s house. When we get there, the construction crew is packing up for the day. “Those guys work really late,” I say, pulling to the far right of their driveway so I’m out of their way.
“And they start at the butt-crack of dawn each morning. It is unbelievably annoying. I am so sick of the hammering.”
“There’s another line for our audio porn,” I say.
She shoves me in the shoulder. “Okay, we have to stop talking about this! One of us needs to be a good Christian girl here, Hana.”
I smile. “And that’s why I love you.”
The first thing Ash did with his massive sponsorship check from Team Yamaha was make a down payment for a new house. He and his family had always lived here in a rickety mobile home on their land. Since his dad’s small engine repair shop is located at the front of the lot, and the family has no desire to leave the area, Ash thought building a new home here would be a great gift to give to his parents as a thank you for supporting him all of these years. I’d thought it was horribly romantic at the time, that I was dating a guy who was so selfless and caring that he spent all his money on his family.
Ash plans to live in it too, since he’s only nineteen and racing will take up most of his time for the next several years. Back when we were still together, we’d made a few light-hearted jokes about maybe building our own house next to theirs in the future. The Carter’s certainly had enough land.
It’s been a few months since Ash first chose a contractor with his parents and let them pick out the floor plan. It’ll be a two-story house with five bedrooms and a stone fireplace in the middle of the living room. I’d been there for some of those decisions, and it was always fun sitting around looking through a bunch of home building catalogues with his family.
Now the land to the left of the mobile home has been cleared, the foundation poured and the skeleton walls put up. I take the remainder of our cupcakes, which are packaged in a pretty mint green box with Nana’s logo on top of it, and we head toward Shelby’s old house.
“It looks like they put up some drywall,” I say, looking at the progress that had been made since I’d last seen it.
Shelby’s eyes brighten. “Wanna go look around? I haven’t been over there in a while.”
“But if we’re looking at the house,” I say all dramatically, “Then who will be eating our cupcakes?”
“Good call,” she says, opening the box while I hold it. “Let’s eat and look.”
“We are multi-tasking geniuses,” I say, taking a cupcake that looks like it’s cookies and cream flavored.
Despite the lightness of our conversation and our eagerness to check the progress on the house, I suddenly sense an uncomfortable shift in Shelby’s mood, and I’m not sure why. I look over at her and raise an eyebrow. “What is it?”
“Well, I’ve been kind of waiting for you to talk all day,” she says, peeling off the paper liner from her cupcake. “And you still haven’t said anything.”
“What exactly am I supposed to talk about?” I may be playing dumb, but my stomach knows the truth because it twists into a knot the moment I speak.
“Well . . . you know,” she says, busying herself by looking down at her careful steps as we walk between rows of rebar lining the future sidewalk that leads to the door. “How have you been lately? You haven’t cried on my shoulder in a while.”
“Shelby, I love you and you know that, but it’s really hard talking to you about Ash. It was painful all those other times we did talk, and I only did because I had no one else.”
“I know, I know. I’m just worried, and I hope that maybe your silence means you’re starting to feel better. Are you?”
I step into the house, my flip-flop smacking on the concrete foundation. “I’m feeling as good as I can feel, I guess.”
“I’m really sorry about the way this has turned out,” she says, trailing along behind me.
There’s still half of a cupcake in my hand and I shove it back into the box. My appetite is gone, replaced with the painful memory that Ash is no longer mine and I am lost without him. “I’m sorry, too.” We walk into the living room area and the framework for the massive fireplace is already set up. “So this is the living room,” I say, looking around and hoping like hell that she’ll just change the subject with me.
“So, are you thinking about moving on?” she asks, reaching up and touching the fireplace framework.
“No, why? Has Ash moved on?” I look up quickly, my throat dry. “I mean—don’t answer that. I don’t wanna know.”
Shelby’s pink lips twist into a sad smile. It hurts so bad to look at her in times like these. She has his eyes. That same off-center smile. His golden brown hair. How the hell am I supposed to get over someone when his twin is my best friend?
“Hana, I’m not sure he’ll ever move on.” Her shoulders lift and she lets them fall slowly as we walk throughout the frame of a house, the smell of drywall and spackle getting stronger in the kitchen. “But I guess I don’t really know anything anymore. We don’t talk much about that kind of stuff. Maybe he has moved on, who knows?”
I don’t want him to be sad, not exactly. But the thought of Ash being happy with another girl makes me want to run my forehead straight into the exposed nail on the two by four in front of me. I groan. “New subject, please.”
Shelby leads the way through a short hallway that passes a laundry room and leads into the master bedroom. “Okay then, let’s talk about Lincoln. He totally likes you.”
“Seriously, Shell? What did I just say?”
She steps into an unfinished space that’s probably her parent’s future bathroom. “I did change the subject! I went from one guy to another. So, spill it—Lincoln is hot, right?”
I shrug and step into the closet. This room is fully covered in drywall and there are a few power tools on the floor. “He’s cute,” I say, just to appease her. “Maybe a little too tall.”
She turns and leans against the back of the closet, crossing her arms over her chest. The sunlight doesn’t reach in here very well, so she just looks like a blurry ghost, but I’m pretty sure she’s glaring at me. “Okay, so don’t hate me or anything,” she says, walking forward and taking the cupcake box from me. “And maybe I’m crazy for thinking this because I am, above all else, my brother’s biggest supporter, but maybe . . .” She retrieves my half-eaten cupcake and takes a bite. “Maybe you should go on one date with Lincoln. Just for fun. You don’t have to fall in love with him—just go out and have fun for the first time in forever.”
“Since February.” I look down. “It’s only been three months. I don’t think I’m ready.”
She frowns. “I get that. I just want you to be happy, my precious best friend.” With that, she runs a hand down my cheek in this sarcastic but hilarious way, and I take my cupcake out of her hand and press it against her face. Only a little bit of icing gets on
her cheek and she swipes it off and licks it. “You should at least try to move on,” she says, her expression turning serious now. “Go on one date and see what happens. If it sucks, then at least you tried.”
I give her a noncommittal shake of my head. “Fine,” I say, dragging out the word. “I’ll go on one date with him.”
“I think it’ll be good for you to get out of the house.” Shelby’s phone goes off and she reaches to her back pocket to silence it. “If anything, maybe it’ll make Ash jealous and then he’ll finally come to his senses and ya’ll will get back together.”
“Now that’s the first good idea you’ve had all day,” I say. I turn around and walk out of the closet, back into the master bedroom whose wall of windows is letting in the setting sun. Footsteps sound across the foundation. A scream catches in my throat as I realize we are not alone in this house—a pair of navy blue eyes stare at me, just as startled as I am.
I am frozen on the concrete. Ash regains his senses before I do. He was always the one with his head on his shoulders while I was falling apart. His hand lifts in a little wave. “Hey.”
Chapter 8
I can’t find it in me to say anything. All of the words I might come up with just don’t feel adequate. Hello? Hi? No, those won’t do. Ash wears a black T-shirt with a dark blue Yamaha logo across the chest. I stare at that instead of meeting his eyes again. I’m not stupid enough to catch his gaze when I’m in a state like this.
Why is he so gorgeous?
And why do I fall apart when I’m in the same room as him?
Probably only a few seconds have passed, but a chill runs through my veins and my throat is dry and time seems to stretch on forever. Shelby barrels past me, knocking into my shoulder in her rush to get to her brother.
“You’re home early!” she says, throwing her arms around him.
“Yeah, thought I’d surprise you. When you weren’t in the house I figured you’d be here.”
“Holy muscles!” she says, still holding on to her brother. “What happened to you?” She takes a step back to survey Ash’s amazing rock-hard supercross body and, like a devoted sister, follows it up with a, “You’re like a weird statue now.”
He chuckles and his eyes lift to meet mine while they hug. I force my lips to twist upwards in a kind gesture that—if all goes according to plan—will look like I’m a normal person giving him a normal smile that isn’t laced with two dozen heartbroken emotions.
“What have you been up to, Hana?” Ash asks as soon as Shelby releases him. He scratches his elbow and pretends to look around the room, a quirk I remember from back when we were soulmates. “The house looks good.”
“Nothing,” I say, followed by, “Yeah it does.”
His naturally dark skin is three shades tanner, which I guess will happen to a guy who mostly lives in California when he’s not home. I don’t need to hug him to know that he’s gained a lot of muscle since I’ve last seen him. I remember him talking about how all there was to do between races was hit up bars and workout. I guess he’s been doing the latter.
I wonder if the blue clay bead I made him in sculpting glass is still hanging on to that one dread behind his left ear. I let myself wonder, but I refuse to look for it. I don’t want to know.
“You want to come to dinner with us?” Shelby says, grabbing Ash’s arm. “We were just about to go out for pizza.”
No we weren’t. In fact, we are completely full on cupcakes. I give her a look, which she ignores as she tugs on his arm. “You’re hungry, right? Let’s go.”
“Yeah, I’m always hungry,” Ash says in that voice of his—the one that melts hearts and rips open old wounds. It’s lethal, but I still want to hear more. “I should go shower really quick though. I smell like airplane.”
I think he smells amazing, but I am not allowed to think that anymore.
“Okay, but hurry,” Shelby says, grabbing him and shoving him toward the unfinished doorframe that leads back out into the living room. My hands long to touch him again. My cheeks even burn as they remember what it felt like to rest my head against his chest. But I am just an ex-girlfriend now. I don’t get to touch. I don’t get to hug or comment on his muscles.
All I can do is stand here and be cordial while holding a mint green box of cupcakes. I kind of wish this half-built house would collapse on me right about now.
We follow him out into the dirt of the future driveway and Ash heads back toward their mobile home. “See ya’ll in a bit,” he says, waving over his shoulder.
“Hurry up, we’re starving!” Shelby calls after him.
We stand here in silence until he’s far enough away and then I turn on my heel and level a glare at my best friend. She smiles in return. “This will be fun.”
I shake my head and shove the cupcake box into her hands. “I’m not going.”
“What?” A breeze blows her golden hair over her eyes and she swipes it away. “Yes you are. We’ll go to Magic Mark’s, they take forever to make pizza anyway, and we’ll be hungry again by the time it’s ready, I promise.”
“How could you do this to me?” I whisper-yell, my hands clenching into nervous fists at my sides. “You just told me to move on and to go date Lincoln and blah blah blah. Now you’re forcing me to be in the same room with your brother?” I kick at the dirt. “I can’t go, Shelby. I just can’t. It hurts too much being around him.”
Shelby draws in a deep breath, choosing her words before she speaks. “Hey,” she says, nudging me until I look up at her. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. But the second he saw you I knew I needed to do something to make you two to spend time together.”
“Why? Are you suddenly an evil sociopath?”
She rolls her eyes. “No, Hana. It is totally obvious by the way he looked at you that he is so not over you.”
The lump in my throat swells to epic proportions. “Are you serious?”
She points to her eyes. “Ash and I have that freaky twin connection thing, remember? Do you even have to ask if I’m serious?”
A warmth spreads across my heart, rolling outward until my fingers tingle. I can’t find a way to process the words she’s saying or the way it makes me feel. “I just—I—” I let out my breath quickly and try again. “The breakup just felt really final.”
She glances toward their house where Ash has already disappeared inside. “I would never do anything that would hurt you or my brother, Hana. I have a hunch here, so let’s just have a friendly dinner and see what happens. If Ash is really over you, then I’ll eat my words and spend the rest of my life making it up you.”
I hold up my pinky. “Swear it?”
She hooks her pinky finger to mine. “On this box of cupcakes, which I love more than I love myself, I swear it to you.”
Chapter 9
Eight months ago - Halloween
“Knock, knock.” Ash said the words in addition to tapping on my bedroom door. I froze, eyes wide as I stood in front of the mirror inside of my closet.
“What?” Shelby said, looking at me as if I’d grown another head.
“He can’t see me like this,” I whispered. “I’m not ready!”
“You are so weird.” Shelby capped her mascara and left my closet, pulling the door closed behind her. I could hear the bedroom door open and Shelby said, “You have to wait in here because your princess of a girlfriend isn’t ready yet.”
“You two have been in there over an hour,” Ash said. “What more could you possibly have to do?”
Shelby opened my closet door just wide enough to slip her body in, and she stuck her head outside. “We’re getting pretty, so you’ll just have to wait as long as it takes.”
“Uh, you’re zombies,” Ash said with a laugh. “I don’t expect either one of you to be pretty.”
That was kind of the point of tonight. For the first part of the night, we were attending a Halloween party at the track that was mostly for little kids. Ash, Shelby, and I would hand out candy with Molly
and then head off to a real Halloween party later in the night. I’d only lived in Mixon since the summer, and all of my friends were motocross people. But some local guy and his friends, none of whom raced at the track, were throwing this party so we decided to check it out.
I’d never been to a Halloween party, or any party really, but I’d seen enough movies to know that girls dress as sexy as possible for stuff like this. Shelby had no intentions of following in this tradition, and I was too nervous that I wouldn’t be able to pull it off, so we went with the zombie idea. I wore ripped up cutoff jean shorts smeared with fake blood and a white tank top also covered in blood. A fake slimy intestine I’d bought at the Halloween store hung out of my back pocket for extra grossness. Shelby and I took turns leaving blood handprints on our legs and arms, and after an hour of makeup and messy-hair styling, we looked like we’d not only been taken down quickly in the apocalypse, but that we’d been zombies for some time.
I helped Shelby pin a severed ear into her hair and then we packed up the makeup and fake blood. All of our work was done and we were ready to go, but I hesitated. I wanted to see Ash because I was crazy about him, but I was also nervous that he’d take one look at me and decide he’d rather have the sexy Halloween pin-up girl instead. I was always second-guessing myself around him.
Ash was the best. He was kind and considerate and of course, gorgeous. He’d forgiven me for royally screwing up things with Ryan last summer, and he never said a word about it or held it over my head. I should have been happy, and I was most of the time. Yet even with all of the romantic dates between his racing schedule and the stolen kisses in the driveway, I was still absolutely petrified that he’d get bored with me and want someone else. Someone better.
Fate has a cruel way of giving you exactly what you want, only to leave you worrying that you’ll lose it forever.
In the end, I finally mustered up the energy to emerge from my closet, and Ash made a big deal about how horrendously perfect his sister and I looked as zombies.
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