“Are you going to marry Kris? Is that why I’m meeting her now?”
“I don’t know, Mia. I love her, that’s the truth. But, then again, you’re getting older ...I think you’re mature enough to handle and understand what happens between a man and a woman, no matter where that relationship goes. So it was more about this being the right time than anything else, hon.”
“Okay, so let’s get this laid out ... Kris is your girlfriend, and you love her. You may or may not want to marry her someday, and because I’m not a little kid anymore, it’s time to bring me in?” Mia checked off the Cliff Notes of what the evening had revealed.
“Yes.”
“Okay, I can live with that.” Mia nodded.
“So, is it my turn for questions?” Gabe asked, pulled the car under the sweeping car port and turning the engine off.
“Sure, whatcha want to know?” Mia slid out the door and walked towards the side entrance of the house into the mud room.
“Tell me about your friend ...” Gabe asked, hanging his coat up on a peg and wandering into the kitchen.
“Bryan? Well, let’s see,” Mia slipped onto a bar stool and rested her chin in her hands. “He’s very nice,” she said, laughing at how similar a conversation they were having, how they were using the same adjectives even.
“Nice?” Gabe raised his eye brows as he filled a glass with water and leaned against the kitchen counter.
“Very. He’s popular. Oh, and his best friend is Sarah’s boyfriend, so that’s fun. But you’ve met him, you know all of that stuff.” Mia shrugged and plucked a grape of the bunch in the fruit bowl, letting the irony run between them.
“And how are you going to work this college?” Gabe took a long sip, the ice cubes clinked against the glass loudly.
“Seattle U isn’t far. I can drive up on the weekend and his family still lives here. Did you know he wants to be a teacher? Actually, he teaches that Super Hero program at the Callam County Y,” Mia volunteered.
“Nice,” Gabe nodded his approval.
He knew Barb and Gene Devon, Bryan’s parents. They were good people, salt of the Earth folks with a gaggle of children, and a prefab, small box home by Ginny. All of that he approved of, Bryan—in theory—he approved of, but Mia was only sixteen, his baby girl, and their budding relationship gave him pause. Kris had laughed at him when he voiced his concern over tuna steak the other night; she used words like “normal” and “expected.”
“He’s a good guy, Dad. So, you kind of need to back off a little,” Mia hinted at the idea of a little more freedom. “I’m sixteen, and I’m not dumb, I am actually a pretty good judge of character—thank you for that trait, by the way—so if I say, Bryan’s coming over and we’re going on a walk ... just let it be, okay?”
“Mia ...”
“No, Dad, no “Mia.” You want me be honest with you, and accept the changes you’re proposing ... Well, my friend, that street runs both ways.” She held up her hand in protest, and pushed two fingers together demonstrating her theory.
Gabe pursed his lips watching Mia cautiously. “I’ll try,” he finally agreed.
“Try hard, Dad. And I’ll try hard, too.” Mia smiled Gabe, plopping another grape into her mouth.
“All right, I’m beat,” Gabe yawned loudly, setting his glass in the sink and rubbing his hands over his stomach. “I’m gonna get some sleep. Not to late Mia, you have school tomorrow.” he wandered over and kissed her on the crown of her head, “love you, girl.”
“Love you too, Dad.” Mia wrapped her arm around his side and squeezed him tightly.
Mia watched her father amble towards his bedroom. It suddenly dawned on her that she was happy for him. She’d watched her father go to bed alone every night, eat meals alone, worry about life alone. She had never considered him lonely, but being with Bryan had awakened her to another side of things, the side that was better with someone else. Someone you connected to, someone who understood what you were saying, and someone who got you. Maybe it wasn’t the same level, but it felt human all the same.
Suddenly, Mia knew she wanted to talk to Bryan, to tell him all about her dinner with her dad, to tell him her realization. She flitted into her room, grabbing her cell which was charging beside her bed. She scrolled down her saved favorites and found his number, hitting the send button. She listened to trilling on the other end.
“Mia?” Bryan’s voice broke off the ring, it was breathy and sexy, she felt her stomach pinch with desire, she wanted to kiss him.
“Hi! I’m just calling to say ... hi.” She laughed at how silly that sounded, “How’s everything?”
“Can you meet me?” Bryan sounded strange, an urgent a tone she’d never heard before.
“My Dad’s home—” Mia began.
“It’s important, we need to talk, please ... meet me.”
Mia’s blood ran cold. He sounded distant, distracted, she watched enough television to know what talks usually meant. “Oh, Bry, I can’t ... ” She didn’t want to go there with him now, she was happy, just a few more minutes of happiness.
“Please, Mia ... ten minutes, you’ll be back in bed by midnight, I promise.” His tone was pleading, and important.
“Okay, can you come here? Meet me on the trailhead?” Mia offered, if this was bad—and she thought it was going to be bad—the closer to home she was, the better.
“Sure, of course, I’ll be there five. Wait for me.” The line went dead. Mia clicked the end button and slid off her bed onto the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest, feeling a hole of dread rip inside her. Her mouth tasted like fear.
She slipped on her leather loafers and tipped toed out the door towards the edge of the woods. This was their place, where they snuck off to be alone. She heard him trudge up the path from the small parking lot that would disguise his car noise and keep his arrival secret.
“Mia?” he whispered, reaching her, pulling her close and pressing his lips to hers hard. Her head swam, light sparks flashed behind her eyes and she melted into him easily.
“You sounded ... bad ... what’s going on?” She forced herself to concentrate, pulling her fear back to the surface.
“Mia ... I ... I love you.” Bryan took her face in his hands, looking deeply into her eyes.
“You ... love ... me?” Mia spaced the words out slowly, making room for them in her head, wrapping her mind around what that meant and how that made her feel.
“I do, I love you. I was thinking about it all day, and I realized it, I love you ... so much. I can’t stop thinking about you, I always want to be with you, you’re everything to me—I love you,” he kissed her again, softer this time, letting the kisses trail from her lips to her neck, up the path to her ears, the tender spot behind them, across the plains of her cheeks, her eyes, her forehead.
“Bryan ...” Mia wrapped her arms around his waist, burrowing her face into his chest. “I love you, too.” The words slipped from her lips, sweetly and softly without consciously thinking them, as a natural as breathing. “Very much.”
“Oh, Mia!” Bryan kissed her again. He was celebrating.
“I thought you were going to end this.” Mia wagged her finger at the space between them, as if the inches apart encompassed their relationship.
“What? No! No way. Why? Why would you think that?” Bryan took a step back, his face numbed with disbelief.
“Well, there was that phone call ...you were pretty urgent ...” Mia explained, the fear she felt was almost comical now, silly, she was so excited, so in love, she wanted to dance. Suddenly all the musicals and love songs and stories made sense.
“Oh, I didn’t even think! No, no, no. I was just nervous, I didn’t want to lose my nerve. I kept telling myself, if she calls me tonight—no matter what—I’m just gonna tell her ... and then you called, and I knew I had to say it to your face, ’cause I love you and that’s a big deal!” Bryan’s face broken into a triumphant smile.
“I should probably get back home, no telling
what my Dad will do if he finds out I left.” Mia stifled a yawn with her hand.
“Definitely,” Bryan agreed, kissing Mia again. “I’ll walk you.” He took her hand in his, pulling her back towards the clearing of the house.
“So, tell me.” Mia dragged her feet as they approached the house, it was dark against the night sky. “How did you know ... that you loved me?”
“It wasn’t one thing, honestly, it was everything. It was you. Just you.” Bryan fumbled with the words, holding tight to Mia’s hand. “How did you know?”
“I don’t know really. I just kissed you and I was so scared you were over this, and I was like, if he says we’re done, I’ll break into a million little pieces.” Mia walked him through her logic. “It wasn’t like a conscious decision, you know? I didn’t decide to love you. It was just a feeling.” She pulled his hand to her mouth and kissed it softly.
“I’ve never felt like this before, Mia, ever. Thank you for this.” He kissed her softly, depositing her on her door step. “I’ll see you at school?”
“Yes, I’ll be there.” Mia smiled
“I love you Mi.”
“Love you, too.”
Mia floated inside, weightless with wonder. She felt good, better than good, she felt alive and centered and changed, like suddenly all the feeling she had for Bryan were summed up in a single word: love. She loved him, everything about him.
The house was still dark, Gabe was sleeping undisturbed. Mia knew she needed to sleep too, that the morning would creep up soon, and she’d be expected to be present and awake and ready to learn. She’d walk down the bland hallway papered with posters and flyers and everything that colored her ordinary day, only now she’d be holding Bryan’s hand, knowing that everything about their relationship had shifted, they had love.
But she was wired, restless, excitement and joy gave her energy. She knew what she wanted to do. Creeping silently towards her bedroom, her anticipation mounted with each step. The pretty box sat atop her desk.
The first time I fell in love, Mia, I was eighteen. It was the summer between high school and college, and I was living life for the moment, counting down the days until I left for school, writing notes to my future roommate, Diane, dragging my mom to Marshall Fields so we could outfit me for school. I worked nights at the neighborhood Dairy Queen and spent the days slathered in baby oil working on my tan. It was pretty great.
That’s where I met this boy, David Greene, at the local swimming pool. He was handsome, and funny, and he had this very, very cool car—a midnight blue mustang that he babied, he was a great dancer and knew where all the cool parties were, how to get us in and how we could drink for cheap—you know, all the stuff that matters. (laugher)
All the girls liked him. And it’s funny, because I was definitely not the type to fall for the popular boy ... but David was different. Oh yeah, he was cute and all of that, but he was smart—not like book smart, but street smart. David had enlisted in the Army a few weeks before we met and was shipping off at the end of summer for boot camp, so we were both kind of in the same place more or less ... both moving forward, getting out, going on and just trying to have fun, counting down the days to real freedom. It’s an exciting time, that precarious balance between childhood and adulthood.
So, anyway, we spent the summer just hanging out. We would go bowling and dancing, lay out at the pool and sometimes go downtown Chicago to the lake beaches. It was fun, he was fun. Slowly, I started to feel this pull. It wasn’t an instant thing, like love can sometimes be, but rather it was like this gradual building of something I couldn’t explain. And then one day I just realized that what I was feeling was love and that yes, I loved him.
I knew I loved him because, suddenly, all the things that were changing for him were more important than the things that were changing for me. I worried about everything he’d see and be a part of, things that were so far beyond my control, those things kept me up at night. I wanted to make sure he’d be safe, and comfortable ... even thought I knew he’d never be safe—he was going into the Army, and being comfortable was very subjective. I just wanted to protect him from all the bad stuff so much it hurt. That was the way my love for David Greene came out, the way it manifested itself.
And realizing you love someone, or that you’re in love Mia, can come to you in different ways. When I fell in love with your daddy, it was quick ... the first time he smiled, knocked me back and stole my heart—I was done, that was the man I was going to marry, the man who would be the father of my children—child. But love is different more often than it’s the same. I can only tell you this: when you know, you just know.
That changed things for me. Once I knew I loved him, I wanted to keep him with me. Suddenly all the things that were so important not that long ago shifted, he became what was extremely important. When we started seeing each other, we both had these big plans and now it was like I was trying to figure out ways to make Dave and me work against these impossible odds. I told him how I felt, I told him I loved him ... and you know what? He told me he loved me too. It was amazing, like nothing else in this world...to love and be loved … it’s wonderful, Mia.
Being in love, means a different sort of responsibility than you’ve probably ever had to before. It means putting another person before yourself, and taking care of their heart the same as you take care of your own. It’s a tremendous responsibility. Even if you’re young, love and all that comes with it can be very, very real and very, very strong.
Love will never be sweeter than the first time. You have no emotional baggage, no prior disappointments and no emotional scars. You will learn so much about yourself as you give away a part of yourself to another person.
Mia, I am so happy you met someone who inspires you to love them—I am sure whomever you’ve chosen is an amazing person. You are an incredibly lovable person, so I’m not surprised that love has found you. But, I just want you to be safe and smart about it. I want you to remember, no matter what, that you have to still keep your priorities in line … that means making time for school, friends, extracurricular activities, your family. Find balance, a healthy balance. Love can fit into your life, and you don’t have to give up anything to have it.
This is a very exciting time, enjoy it, learn from it, and grow. I love you.
The tape clicked to an audible end, Mia sat quietly, swiping tears away with the back of her hands. Her mother’s voice, she missed the words, the meaning, and only heard the voice. Her soft, sweet voice. She was lost in the way the Midwestern hitch caught words and flattened others. The pitch and tone, so familiar and foreign to her. She rewound the tape, playing it again, this time taking in the words. Listening, just listening.
Mia crawled into her bed that night, beneath the soft sheets and laid her head on the fluffed down pillow. She closed her eyes and imagined her mom: young and tan and very much alive feeling just as she did right now. She felt linked to her in that moment, she could see her mother’s world—before cancer, before her father, before Seattle and college—just young and starting out, in love with a boy who had deployment papers and a blue Mustang.
~ * * * ~
“I listened to a tape last night.” Mia chewed her cereal slowly, carefully. The morning was surprisingly bright, rising to meet her mood.
“Which one?” Ginny asked, lowering her glasses and pushing the morning paper aside, deciding whatever Mia was going to say was far more interesting than the latest new from the West End.
“The ‘first love’ tape.” Mia focused on nonchalance, sipping her glass of freshly squeezed juice.
“Whoa, back up just one minute, sweetness ... love?”
“Yes, love. I love him, Ginny,” Mia allowed a small smile before going back full force to the bowl.
“Wow. Take a week to go visit my son, and bam ... you’re in love.” Ginny let out a long, low whistle, and settled back in her chair.
“Do you think it’s too soon?” Mia asked, concerned. She wasn’t sure how th
is love thing was supposed to work.
“Absolutely not. Everyone moves at their own pace, Mia, sometime it’s fast and sometimes it’s slow.” Ginny waved her hand in the air dismissing Mia’s concern.
“Oh,” Mia nodded, it sounded very much like what her mother said on the tapes.
“I think you’re young ...” Ginny allowed. “So I want you to be safe and responsible with your feelings and where they may ... go ...” Ginny smiled and trailed off adding a subtle wink for good measure.
“Ginny, are you talking about sex?” Mia laughed at the thought. Aunt Sophia had beat her to the punch years ago, the bees and birds weren’t strangers.
“More or less,” Ginny admitted, running her wide finger across the lip of her coffee cup.
“Aunt Soph already told me about it, don’t worry.” Mia felt the all too familiar blush creep up her neck threatening her cheeks.
“All the same, you need to go to a doctor, you let me know, okay? No need to be embarrassed about these things, I raised four kids. I know a thing or two. Now, tell me about the tape.”
Mia shook her head, trying to empty her mind of the almost sex talk.
“Well, basically Mom told me about her first love.” Mia gathered her bowl and made her way to the sink. “She told me how love is about balance, and how my first love is the sweetest.”
Ginny nodded. “Your mom was a very smart woman.”
“I listened to tape like ten times, just to hear her voice,” Mia admitted, hearing her mother’s laugh, hearing her tell a story, it was addicting. “I felt like I got to know her a little, like she was real again, like she was there, in my room, and understood exactly how I was feeling and said exactly what I needed to hear.”
“I believe that was the point, honey. She wanted to stay with you in whatever way she could, and I think she’d be so happy to know that you feel like she’s still here when you listen to the tape.”
“I really did, it was weird. I feel asleep seeing her, she was eighteen and carefree with this boy who she loved.” Mia smiled. “I pictured her licking the side of a ice cream cone under the Chicago sun, perched atop a glittery blue Mustang, dreaming about becoming a writer being madly in love with a boy who was off to fight for his country.”
The Milestone Tapes Page 23