Antebellum

  SaTia couldn’t contain her shock. She placed her hand over her mouth and tightly grasped my hand, cutting off the circulation.

  “Oh God...oh my God...”

  The hospital room took all of our energy and sent it out through the vents in the ceiling. We had to grab onto something to make our way to one of the seats. Ray’s breathing became audible as he fumbled around in dismay. Brian walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. He spoke with glassy eyes. “You gotta stay calm, my nigga. You gotta be strong.”

  I realized as I sat in that room that the power I thought I had was really no power at all. Chart-topping songs and sold-out performances don’t bring people out of comas. It took for me to finally be as rich as I’d always wanted to realize that there are things money simply couldn’t buy. My helplessness tugged on my tears, and I wept silently.

  Dr. Ahmed addressed us from the foot of the bed.

  “When Mr. Baldwin was brought in, he had lost approximately 35% of his blood, and had gone into hypovolemic shock. We gave him multiple blood transfusions and other fluids to get him stable, but since that time he has not regained consciousness or been able to respond to pain, light, or sound.”

  Ray still seemed shaky, but he spoke up. “So what all dat mean?”

  “It means that he is in a coma. Right now we do not know how long it will last. It could be a few hours, or a few days.”

  “But...” Brian’s voice rocked back and forth as he spoke. “But... some people don’t never wake up from dey comas, right? Some people stay like dis till dey die, right?”

  Dr. Ahmed looked like he was having as hard of a time understanding Brian as I was having understanding him.

  “I am sorry, I don’t...”

  SaTia took an exasperated breath. “Isn’t it true, Doctor, that in some cases, people never wake up from their comas?”

  “Oh, oh yes, that is true, but this condition is very unpredictable. Many coma patients awake within a few weeks. You have to take it one day at a time.”

  Dr. Ahmed waited a few minutes. When none of us presented any more questions, he walked over and picked up his clipboard.

  “Either myself or one of the other nurses will be coming in regularly to check on Mr. Baldwin. If there is anything you need, please let us know.”

  None of us spoke as Dr. Ahmed left the room. We all stared at our friend, watching his chest rise and fall as if he were taking a nap. I kept thinking about the times growing up when all of us would daydream about becoming big rap stars. Now that day was here and one of us could die because of it.

  It was then that I knew, sometime before I left the hospital, that I had to talk to Henry alone.

  The ringing of my iPhone sharply broke the silence. I reached for it to turn it off, but looked at the screen and realized it was my mother. I got up and walked out of the room. One of the police officers waiting outside the door followed me as I paced the hallway.

  “Hello?”

  My mother’s voice was three octaves higher than usual, and she sounded as if she was ready to jump through the phone. I could hear the news reports echoing in her background, as well as Big Mama asking her if she’d finally reached me.

  “Moses? Oh my God, are you alright? They’ve been talking about a man trying to kill you!”

  I’ve had friends whose mothers could never get through to them, no matter how much they tried. That was never the case with Tisha Freeman. As a child, all I had to do was hear her voice, and all my emotions would come pouring out.

  As much as I’d like to deny it, the situation hadn’t changed very much. I heard her fear and terror through my cell phone, and it was all I could do to make it to one of the seats in the waiting room before I dropped my head and sobbed bitterly. My mother’s voice was a hurricane, and the levees that were holding all my feelings from the past several hours at bay broke at once.

  “Baby? Baby, are you okay? Oh my God, please tell me you’re okay...”

  I couldn’t even put a coherent sentence together. My body convulsed and shook, and my tears and mucus combined with each other before falling off my face in a straight line to the floor. I found myself struggling to catch my breath, inhaling five or six quick times before I could exhale once.

  Hearing me cry so intensely and not knowing what was going on made my mother hysterical. For all she knew I could be on the other end of the phone bleeding to death, and I didn’t have enough control over my weeping to let her know I was unharmed. I heard Big Mama talking to her, and when that wasn’t enough, Big Mama took the phone and spoke to me herself.

  “Moses...Moses, is that you, son?”

  I couldn’t answer her, but she could hear my lamentations.

  “Moses, I need you to settle down, sweetheart. Me and yo’ mama gotta know what’s goin’ on with you. We’s worried sick over this way, baby. Jus’ calm down enough jus’ to let us know if you okay...”

  Hattie Jenkins was a rock. If hearing my mother caused me to break down, then hearing Big Mama made me pull myself together. I took three or four deep breaths, and forced words out through my lips.

  “I’m...I’m fine, Big Mama. I’m not hurt...I’m fine...”

  “Okay, now get back on with your mama and talk to her, okay?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She gave the phone back to my mother. “Baby...”

  I took another deep breath.

  “I’m okay, Mama. I’m not hurt...I’m okay...”

  “Oh thank God! Thank God!”

  She began crying again, this time out of relief. I took the time to compose myself as best I could. After I had wiped my face with my jersey, I repeated what I had said a moment before.

  “It’s okay, Mom. I’m not hurt.”

  “But...but that man—he tried to shoot you?”

  “Yeah, yeah, he tried to shoot me.”

  “But he didn’t hurt you, right?”

  “No...no, he didn’t...”

  Satisfied that I was safe, I could hear my mother’s voice and demeanor begin to return to normal. I knew Big Mama was standing beside her, too, giving her strength through her presence. Mama cleared her throat before she spoke again.

  “How is everyone else? Is it true what they’re saying about Henry?”

  I wiped one of the remaining tears from my right eye.

  “It’s true. We’re sitting here at the hospital now.”

  “So...so he’s in a coma?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Mama stopped talking to me for a moment. I heard remnants of a prayer coming through the other end of the phone. Out of habit, I closed my eyes and prayed along with her. When she was finished, she resumed our conversation.

  “So what are you all gonna do now?”

  It was a question I hadn’t really thought about. I shook my head as I answered. “I don’t know, Mama. I mean, all I can think about right now is Henry.”

  “I know, sweetheart, I know.”

  We were both silent for a few seconds, but I knew my mama well enough to know that there was something she wanted to say.

  “What is it, Mama?”

  I could hear her breathing on the other end, contemplating her words. Finally, she threw caution to the wind. “I want you to come home, baby.”

  “What?”

  “I want you to come home. Things have gotten so crazy since all this rivalry mess started, and now, with everything that happened tonight, I think you should come home.”

  I began to get agitated, though I would never let Mama know. I had a million and one things on my mind already. I didn’t need one more.

  “Why, Mama? Why would I come home now?”

  “I mean, it’s safe here. Everyone loves you. You could have a police escort everywhere you went, if you wanted to.”

  “But I’ve got interviews and events scheduled for the next six months...”

  “And you don’t think you need some sort of break? Especially with everything that happened tonight?”

  My agita
tion faded. I couldn’t answer her. I honestly didn’t know what I needed.

  “Look, Moses, your grandmother agrees with me. You need a rest. You need to be around people who love you. And we haven’t seen you in so long, sweetheart...just...please, think about it, okay, baby?”

  It’s funny, I hadn’t thought about what life would be like after I woke up tomorrow morning. All I could see was tonight. And now that I was forced to think past the next few hours, I tried to delude myself. I tried to make myself believe that when I woke up tomorrow it would be business as usual. But hat wasn’t the case. I couldn’t even walk into the hospital without being terrorstricken.

  Mama and Big Mama were right. I had to get somewhere where I felt safe.

  “Okay, Mama, look...let’s see what happens with Henry first, okay? If he pulls through, then I’ll clear everything and come on home to D.C. But right now, he’s my first priority.”

  “Of course, baby, of course. I’m so glad to know you’re coming.”

  Her grin beamed at me through the phone.

  “Nothing is definite yet, Mama. We gotta see...”

  “I know, I know...let me get excited though, okay? My son might be coming home!”

  SaTia came around the corner. I could tell she was looking for me.

  “Mama, look, I have to go, okay? I’ll give you a call tomorrow to let you know if anything changes.”

  “Okay. I love you, Moses.”

  “Love you, too, Mama. Good night.”

  “Good night, baby.”

  I ended the call on my iPhone and stood up. The police officer that had come with me prepared himself to move again.

  “SaTia, I’m right here.”

  She turned her head and saw me as I began to walk toward her. She had a hard time hiding her concern.

  “Where did you go?” she asked.

  “I was out here talkin’ to Ma’ Dukes. What’s up?”

  She stared hard into my eyes, noticing the mist from my emotional breakdown a moment ago.

  “Are you okay, Moe?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  I could tell she wanted to push the issue, but she let it go.

  “We’re all in the room trying to decide how the rest of the night is going to go. Ray and Brian can barely keep their eyes open, but you know they’re not about to make any decisions without you.”

  “Aight, let’s head back then.”

  We walked silently back down the hallway to Henry’s room. The cop stayed two steps ahead of us, making sure that anyone who recognized me was hesitant to try and interact. I did my best to make sure the mist in my eyes that SaTia had seen was gone when I reentered the room.

  “Yo, you good, dogg?” Brian opened his eyes and sat up in his chair, shaking the cobwebs out of his brain. “You was gone for a minute. We ain’t know where you was.”

  “Yeah, I’m straight.” I went back to the seat I was in before and plopped down. “Moms was on the phone trippin’ ’cause she saw the news reports. Had to let her know things was all good.”

  “Yo, we ain’t mean to pass out, Moe.” Ray was pulling himself up from dozing off as well. “Jus’ that it’s been a crazy day, dude. You don’t even realize how tired you is ’til you fall ’sleep an don’t even know it.”

  They were right. The day had seemed long even before I’d even stepped foot on the Phil Winters’ set. Now that the adrenaline from the shooting had passed, my friends were fighting a losing battle. Even SaTia’s eyelids looked weighed down.

  “Look, y’all niggas go back to da hotel.”

  “Hell naw!” Brian seemed offended that I would even suggest that they leave me.

  I got up and walked back over to the door where the police officer stood guard.

  “Homie, how long you gon’ be out here keepin’ watch?”

  “As long as you’re here, sir. My assignment is to keep you safe as long as you’re in the hospital.”

  I nodded my head and went back inside.

  “Look, the cops is gon’ be here as long as I’m here. I got some personal stuff I need to talk to Henry ’bout anyway. If he gon’ die ’cause he took a bullet for me, then I got some stuff I need ta tell him. Y’all niggas ain’t gon’ do nothin’ but go to sleep anyways, man. You, too, SaTia.”

  My manager looked at me as if I’d just cursed at her.

  “Ain’t no reason in you stayin’ here, is all I’m sayin’. All y’all go back to da hotel, get some sleep and come back in the mornin’ fresh.”

  I looked at all of their faces. None of them were buying it. But I needed to be able to think, and I needed Henry to know how sorry I was, and I wouldn’t be able to do either with SaTia and the guys around.

  I changed the tone of my voice from apologetic to adamant when I spoke up again.

  “I know y’all don’t like it, but that’s what I need to happen tonight. Go back to the villa and come through in the mornin’. I need to be here alone.”

  It was an historic occasion when SaTia showed chinks in her armor, and tonight her face almost made me change my mind. She didn’t speak but her eyes begged me to let her stay. Ray and Brian stood up and walked over, gave me dap, and waited by the door. SaTia continued to stare at me, pleading silently. Maybe she felt as though she needed to stay to protect me, or maybe she didn’t feel as protected without me. The night’s events could provide evidence for both. Either way, I was standing my ground.

  “I’m sorry, but I gotta do this by myself.”

  When she dropped her eyes, I knew she’d accepted it. I got up and walked over to the officer outside the door again. “Yo, weren’t there two of y’all?”

  “Yes, sir. The other officer is posted by the elevator.”

  “Aight, thanks.”

  As I walked out of the room, my three companions followed me. I rounded two corners and there was the other officer, standing by the elevators.

  “Yo, can you make sure my people get back to the car safe? The driver should be waitin’ in the garage.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  I nodded at him, and then gave Ray and Brian dap once more as the elevator opened. SaTia was standing in front of me, waiting for some type of gesture to show that she still had that unspoken place in my heart. I couldn’t think of anything else to do, so I hugged her.

  Most people think of kissing as the physical interaction that ignites passion between people. The first kiss is always the one people scribble about in their diaries and get weak in the knees over. But when someone who you’re actively in love with squeezes themselves into you so tight that your chests expand against one another’s as you breathe, and then refuses to let you go, it sets off a different kind of reaction in your body. It was like having an orgasm without being touched in your sweet spot.

  I had no words when we separated, only a deep breath that took the fragrance of her perfume and pumped it through my body like lifeblood.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said as she stepped onto the elevator. Our eyes were still locked as the doors closed.

  Unfortunately, her being out of sight reminded me that one of my best friends was lying in a coma. The switch from ecstasy to grief was physically painful. I held my chest as I walked back.

  “You okay, sir?”

  The officer in front of Henry’s door had seen me dealing with the discomfort. It had almost faded by the time I got to him, but he still made sure everything was in order.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Jus’ some lil chest pains...”

  He went to open the door for me, but I stopped him.

  “What’s your name, bro?”

  “Jones, sir. Officer Jones.”

  “I ’preciate you watchin’ out for me, man.”

  “Not a problem, sir. Just doing my job.”

  “You married, Officer Jones?”

  “Yes, sir. Eight years next month.”

  “Tell you what...” I reached into my pocket, pulled out my money clip, and took out seven or eight hundred-dollar bills. “Tell y
a’ wife I’m sorry for takin’ her husband for the night. Get her somethin’ nice and take her out to dinner on me.”

  Officer Jones was a good man. He tried hard not to look at the amount of money I was giving him. When I put it in his hand, he put it straight in his pocket.

  “Thank you, sir.”

  I nodded at him, and then went back in the room. I immediately regretted my decision to send everyone home. I felt naked, standing in there by myself. My feeling of helplessness was now a garment, covering me from head to toe. I started to panic, and sat down in the seat that SaTia had occupied. Her perfume still lingered in the air. It caused my muscles to relax.

  I had to do this. One of my best friends could be nearing death on account of me. I owed him this much.

  I took the chair with SaTia’s scent on it and moved up alongside Henry’s bed. I sat down close enough to lay my own head down, but instead I crossed my hands and lay them on the mattress. Someone walking in would have thought I was preparing to pray, and in a way I was.

  “’Sup, Henry. This is Moses...” I took a second to gather my wits so I wouldn’t lose my nerve. I put my forehead in my palms and then took my hands and ran them down my face, turning my head from side to side like I was looking at people who weren’t there. When I looked up though, I still saw the same comatose Henry.

  I figured there was no use in stalling for any more time.

  “They say that sometimes people in a coma can hear people talking to them, even though they can’t respond. I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but there’s somethin’ I gotta tell you. Just in case...well, just in case we don’t get to talk again. I want to tell you that I know why you did it. I know why you went after that guy with the gun. You did it ’cause...’cause you think I’m something I’m not. You did it ’cause you believe I’m a hero. All these people come yellin’ and screamin’ wherever we go, sendin’ fan mail and passin’ out at the concerts, and somewhere along the line, you began thinkin’ that maybe I was worth savin’. But the truth is, I’m not. The truth, man, is that I’m just a slave. As long as they pay me, I do what the white folks at Cosmos tell me to do. I’m in it for the money, dogg. Point blank. Period. It ain’t about the people in the ghetto and it ain’t about the struggle. It’s about the money. But I never thought...”