“Ella! We have been looking all over for you! I thought I told you to clean out the bathroom and wash the children’s sheets?”
“I’m mighty sorry, Mrs. Talbert, ma’am! I come out here to get da tools to fix up your flowers, but this latch on the door be straight from da devil!”
“Mr. Talbert said he sent you out to get those tools quite a while ago. What has taken you so long?”
“Is dis here latch, ma’am! It’s locked and I can’t get it open!”
Mrs. Talbert looked at Ella suspiciously, then around the rest of the area. She pointed to Ella’s underwear when she saw them on the ground. “What in the hell is that, Ella?”
“It’s a rag I bring out here wid me, ma’am. I got so mad at da lock, I threw it on da ground. I’m mighty sorry, Mrs. Talbert, ma’am.”
She’d been hanging around Sarah too long. Pretty soon she’d have Mrs. Talbert leaving her alone for fear of catching the nigger disease. Mrs. Talbert stared at her for a few more seconds, and then shook her head.
“Can’t trust a nigger any further than you can throw them, I reckon. I don’t know what kind of heathen, sinful actions you had going on out here, Ella, but you better come back in here now and do as I told you, or so help me God, I’ll get the lash myself.”
“Yes, ma’am! I’m leavin’ my rag and rest of the things out here, then?”
“Heavens no, Ella! Pick up your things out here and report to the bathroom at once.”
Mrs. Talbert, obviously fed up, stormed back inside. I crept up to the side of the house as Ella was running to retrieve her underwear. We met on our knees, and she kissed me and whispered to me in one breath.
“Come tonight, when all lights is out in da house, and I’ll be back here waitin’ for you.”
“I’ll be here.”
She kissed me again, and ran back into the big house.
By the time I’d made my way back to the slave quarters, the overseers who had been assigned to watch me were in a drunken stupor. One of them had gotten his hands on a bottle of moonshine, and since, as far as he and the other overseers knew, I was still knocked out by Reverend Lewis’ blow, they saw no reason to keep their senses. I practically walked through the front door of the cabin when I returned, which was a good thing. It’s hard being stealthy with butterflies moving about in your stomach.
The slaves jumped up with excitement as I walked through the door. The fact that I had gone to the big house and come back alive was enough cause for celebration. They struggled to hold their peace and wait for me to speak.
“Did you hear ’em? What dey says?”
“Everybody sit down,” I said calmly. “Y’all need to relax a lil bit. Everybody take a seat.”
There were more people in the cabin than before I’d left. I hadn’t noticed until then. The feel of Ella’s lips had temporarily removed some of my senses. Now, though, I was fully alert. I stood in the middle of the floor and watched as my audience took their perspective seats around the room.
“You all are gonna be fine,” I said matter-of-factly. “They not worried about y’all; they worried about me.”
“Den, what about you?” Sam said with a surprising amount of worry in his voice. “What they gone do wid you?”
I took a deep breath and looked around the room. “They gonna hang me in the mornin’.”
A collective wail went up among the slaves in the cabin and nearly brought me to tears. It was so loud and lasted for so long that, after a few moments, a series of erratic knocks sounded at the front door, followed by a drunken slur of words.
“...yousssseeee shuter niggggggers nasssssssssssty damn it up!”
“quit...uh...quit ’cha....qu...quip...quite...errr...qui...qui... quiet...QUIET! Damn you!”
Amidst her own pain, Sarah gave a signal that caused all the slaves to lower their voices. When Law went and peeked out the door, the two overseers were on the ground, propped against a tree, snoring loudly once again.
“We...we can’t let dat happen...”
Sarah found her voice amongst the mourners, and managed to grab their attention.
“Dis can’t happen. Sure’s a God restin’ up in da heavens, we gonna’ git you out from here tonight!”
The faces of the slaves began to shift from sorrowful to determined, and excited whispers of planning began to fill the room. I held up my hand for attention once again.
“Look, I know you wanna help me, but real talk, I don’t want you to. Right now all Talbert and Bradley and the Governor can think about is gettin’ rid of me. I ain’t hear ’em say nothin’ ’bout punishing y’all. If they can’t find me in the morning, it’s ’bout to be hell to pay, and I can’t be responsible for none of y’all getting hurt. You been hurt enough already.”
Sam, Buck, and Law all looked sideways at me before Buck stepped forward.
“What you gon’ do then?”
“Don’t know yet, man. If I’m not here in the mornin,’ they gonna think y’all helped me outta here—even if you didn’t. Best thing would probably be to wait till they come and get me, and try to find a way to escape before I get to da gallows.”
Sarah stood up, her face indignant.
“And if you cain’t?”
“Then I get hung.”
She shook her head, unable to swallow what she’d heard.
“Naw...naw dat ain’t it. Ain’t your job to protect us, Moses! You done inspired us mo’ than we ever been, and I’ll choose dat over protection any day!”
The slaves in the cabin sounded out their agreement.
“We’s heard yo’ words, and we all respect ’em. You tell us not to do nothin and we won’t do nothin. But if we get a ’scape route all laid out for you while white folks be sleepin’, will you refuse it?”
I looked hard at Sarah, and then around the room. I realized that my freedom wasn’t just my freedom anymore. It was the colored flag on the slave side of the field. They’d do anything they could to keep it from capture.
“No. If it’s set up, I’m not gonna refuse it.”
Sarah thanked me, and immediately began planning with a few of the other slaves. They were plotting my escape, but because I didn’t know the backroads and deep forest, I felt acutely out-of-place during the conversation.
“Sarah?” I interrupted, and all of the slaves stopped talking and looked at me. “Roka still in the hut?”
“Yeah. He done took ’is beatin’ hard dis time.”
“I need to see him.”
She nodded at me.
“Watch out. Dem white folk by da door...”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I peeked out the door, saw the sleeping guards, and marched out into the evening. Before I got to Sarah’s, I found my way to a clearing in the woods where you could get a clear view of the bighouse. Almost all of the lights were still on. My thoughts returned to Ella while butterflies danced in my gut and I experienced heart palpitations. I closed my eyes and tried to think of what tonight would be like. Just imagining Ella’s sounds made my legs turn to clay, and I took a seat on the dirt and leaves for a while, trying to clear my head. I heard love songs that were popular in my previous life, and before I knew it, I was humming Luther Vandross to the sycamore tree in front of me. I caught myself, remembering who I was and all that was at stake, and I picked myself up off of the ground and began walking again.
Entering Sarah’s hut was surreal. I could remember what the place had looked like when I was laid in there for so long, the walls and hard mattresses becoming my confidants and friends. Something was different about it now, though. My mind went back to the ones and zeros from The Matrix as I traced over a space that I was supposed to be familiar with. And then, as my eyes scanned over the beds, I saw Roka.
Sarah had understated his condition. He looked as though he’d been in a fight with a freight train. He lay on his stomach with cloth and roots on his back, covering his injuries. I could see the sweat soaking the mattress underneath him. For the first time s
ince I’d woken up in the slave cabin, I began to feel fear. I had little to no concern for my own safety, but I felt as if Roka’s broken condition somehow erased some of the strength he had given me. I slowly walked to him, contemplating whether or not to run away before he realized I was there.
“I knowed...”
The words seemed to come from the air itself. It didn’t seem as if Roka had budged, and I’d had my eyes focused on him since I walked in. But, it was Roka’s voice. Unmistakably. I watched him closely as he opened his eyes halfway and began stirring.
“I knowed.”
“Know what, Roka?”
“Knowed it be you.”
He began forcing his body up into a sitting position.
“Yo, Roka, lay back down, man. Ain’t no need to be gettin’ up.”
He continued pushing himself up anyway, and finally reached the point where he could lift his head and look me in the eye.
“Look changed,” he said with a smile he had to work for. “Fear go. Gone.”
“Yeah.” I knew Roka well enough to know he wasn’t going to lay back down. I walked over and sat beside him. “I feel different.”
“Like king?”
Roka’s words struck me hard. He was absolutely right. I’d woken up this morning feeling like royalty.
“Yeah,” I said, and nodded my head. “Like a king.”
He nodded his head in response, trying to ignore the pain that came with his actions. Then he turned and looked at me hard, like he was trying to levitate me out the door. I held his look, unwilling to risk disturbing his thoughts with a question. We sat like that while the minutes passed, before Roka opened his mouth again.
“I don’t much talk,” he started.
“Yeah, no kidding.”
His facial expression told me to shut up, and I did so.
“Long time, long time, long time...I wished was you. Wish me was you...”
I could tell he didn’t want me to interrupt, but I couldn’t help it.
“You wished you were me?”
“Yea.”
“Why? Ain’t nothin’ special about me.”
Roka looked at me as if he was tired of teaching me lessons. “You fool.”
The insult caught me by surprise.
“I’m a fool?”
“Yea.”
“Why I gotta be a fool?”
“Don’t see inside heart. Inside brave.”
For the first and last time, I saw Roka drop his head and gaze at the floor.
“Now...wish was you. Wish was strong and brave.”
“Why you keep saying that? You the strongest man I ever met! You see how much respect people give you ’round here? I ain’t know what a real man was like till I seen you walk in a room.”
“But, still fear. Still scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“White people.”
I shrugged off his comment like a bad joke. “You ain’t scared of no white folk, Roka. I seen you around white folk.”
“No see inside.”
I shook my head in arrogant refusal.
“Naw, you ain’t scared of no white folk, and you definitely don’t need to be like me. I need to be like you.”
Roka looked up from the floor and over at me. He had a pain and yearning in his eyes that made me want to hear my father’s voice.
“First time came here, first day, I see you. I hear you. Talk white folk like dey ain’t white. Talk da color outta dey skin.”
I looked at my role model intently, not wanting to miss any syllable of this exchange.
“But, when I first got here, I was...different. I wasn’t the same as I am now. How could you have wanted to be like that?”
“You always you. When first come and now—always you. You ain’t know you, but I knew. Saw strong and brave like I wished for. Mine never come.”
My understanding of his words made me want to weep. “And now?”
“Now you know you. Know self. Nothing same.”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me who I was when I first got here?”
“No listen. Finding self be journey, not lesson.”
I took a breath and let all of his words sink in deeply. “So what do I do now?”
“What men do after dey find self.”
“And what’s that?”
“Find destiny.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony. “Well, that’s a done deal. They gonna hang me tomorrow morning.”
Roka heard this news and almost dropped his gaze again, which wiped the smile completely off of my face. At the last moment, he stopped, paused for a moment, and then lifted his eyes back to me. The fire in them burned intensely, and I’d never forget his next words even before he said them.
“If you die tomorrow, die well.”
I nodded and sat there with my mentor for another half-hour. We didn’t speak another word to each other, but seemed to be able to hear and understand each other’s thoughts. When his pain began to overtake his will, I stood up as he was leaning over. He looked up at me and nodded once more, and then lay back on his stomach and closed his eyes. I stared at him for some minutes, wondering if this time would ever again repeat itself. After finding the courage to accept that is might not, I made my way out of the hut and into the cool night.
My thoughts were still in the space with Roka, so my instincts led my steps as I went trekking through the brush. Our conversation, both spoken and unspoken, echoed through my head, and I found myself mouthing some of the words he had said to me. “How...do you die well?”
The concept was a foreign one to me, and wouldn’t have had a chance at making any sense on any other day but today. I couldn’t help but imagine the heroes from many of the movies I’d seen who’d never made it to the final credits.
Had they died well? I thought. Or is there something wrong about dying when everyone else figures out a way to live? And how do you find your destiny? Do you scrounge around for it like a misplaced wallet? Or do you wait for it to show up like a lost dog? And how do you tell your destiny from a random cause that you’ve decided to fight for arbitrarily?
These and other questions bounced around in my head as I walked the invisible paths around the slave quarters, not knowing exactly where I was going. When I finally stopped, it was because my foot had ran itself against a protruding rock coming out of the ground. The pain brought me out of my stupor, and as I jumped around on one foot cursing to myself, I realized that I was in the clearing I had come to before. I looked out into the distance and saw the big house, smiling back at me, with all the lights in the windows turned out.
My mind shifted so fast that one or two thoughts got lost in the process. My body felt a shock of electricity that literally caused me to jump off of the ground, and when I landed again, I shook my head in awe at the excitement I was feeling. Ella was waiting for me. Just the thought alone made my hands tremble. My conversation with Roka was pushed further and further back into the depths of my mind, and my hormones began to take over. I had to get to her. I had to get to her as soon as I possibly could.
I began walking quickly through the woods, following the same path I’d taken before, when a brand new set of worries began popping into my head. How long had I been walking around distracted, pondering my conversation with Roka? How long had I stayed in the hut with Roka? How long had the lights been off in the big house? Had Ella come outside already, waited for me, and I hadn’t showed? Had she been outside for a long time, wondering where I was? Would she have to go back in because someone inside noticed she was missing? Would she have to come up with another excuse this time? Would they believe her? What if they didn’t?
My quick walk turned into a sprint, and I found myself leaping over logs and tree trunks so they wouldn’t slow down my pace. By the time I was close enough to hear the stream, my acrobatics had become difficult. The sun was very much retired, and what had been the last traces of dusk had turned into pitch blackness. When I reached the str
eam, I thought about running right across it, but the splashing of the water would’ve been too risky. Instead I ran down to the far end of the stream, where I had been told there were large rocks, and prayed as I jumped onto the first one that I could feel around for the next ones. My prayers were not answered, and eventually I stepped quietly into the ankle-deep waters and began lightly stepping my way across. Once I had gotten to the other side, I took four running steps and then stopped abruptly, ducking and turning my head back to the sound of the stream. I’d heard a noise. It was slight, but in pitch blackness and dead quiet, a slight sound is heard through nature’s microphone. I felt no fear, but disappointment instead, as I figured one of the overseers had followed me and I would now have to evade them rather than seeing Ella. But no one came. I waited for minutes, and the only sound I heard was one that had started far off in the distance that I had decided to be an animal that must have been trapped up ahead of me. I waited until I was satisfied that the sound from the stream was just another innocent animal, and I continued my sprinting.
There was a perimeter of tall grass that lay on the back side of the big house. I’d seen it on my earlier excursion into danger, and I knew that it was an extension of the cotton fields. I dove headlong into that grass, knowing that if I followed it, it would lead me straight to the person I was waiting for. I ducked down so that my head was only slightly below the blades that shielded me. I couldn’t see in front of me, but I knew the house was up ahead, and that I was going in the right direction. I moved quicker and made more noise than I meant to, but by this time the excitement of what was about to happen had tightly gripped me. I felt as though I had taken a drug, and the effects grew more pronounced with each step that closed the distance between Ella and myself. I barely noticed the trapped animal anymore, even though it must have been trapped either close to or on the back area of the house, because the closer I got to Ella, the closer I got to it. After another few steps, I found myself hoping that Ella was tending to the dying animal.
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