Antebellum

  My head began to spin as I took in Mr. Rose’s words. SaTia stood quietly with the phone in her hand, trying to harness the anger I could see creeping onto her face. Mr. Rose’s voice got softer as he continued to speak. “Look, SaTia, I apologize—I get a bit excited, okay? Listen, talk to Moses. Tell him about all the opportunities we have got laid out for him. Tell him the money he made after the diss record dropped is crumbs compared to what he could make now. I know my artist. Once he hears that there’s a couple million dollars in it for him, he’ll start running his mouth in no time. I’m lining up people now who can help him, in case he doesn’t—”

  “Then I feel obligated to remind you, Mr. Rose, that Moses hired me as his manager. You didn’t. To that end, I have done and will continue to do everything in my power to make sure that everything that happens is in his best interest. You can line up all the psychologists and doctors you want to, but no one will set foot in this room until I determine that their presence and expertise is to his benefit. Moses needs time right now, Mr. Rose, and that’s exactly what I plan to provide for him. As long as I’m his manager, he will have all the time he needs to get better.”

  “You’re talking like we’re on different sides, SaTia. We’re not. We’re on the same side. We both want to see Moe get better.”

  “No...we are on different sides. And by the way, his name is Moses. He doesn’t answer to Moe anymore. You better hope the same rapper that went into the coma is the one that came out...”

  “Who else would it be, Ms. Brooks?”

  “It’s late, Mr. Rose. I’m going to get some sleep.”

  “You do that. I’ll have my people standing by whenever you come to your senses.”

  “Good night, Mr. Rose.”

  I let myself fall back onto the bed as SaTia hung up her phone call, and I began to feel my grip on reality weaken. I had begun to accept that I was back to my old world, back to the world that I knew before Talbert and Bradley and the plantation. But this wasn’t the world I remembered. I remembered being a superstar. I remembered being adored and having fans screaming my name. I didn’t remember being anyone’s slave.

  I turned over and buried my face in the pillow as madness crept into my head. Where had I come back to? This couldn’t be right! I was a god where I was from! I was nobody’s slave! This was not my home. I was Da Nigga, dammit! I was Da Nigga!

  “HHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... AHHH... AHHHH... HHHHHHAAAAAAAA!”

  I screamed into the pillow.

  When the pillow wasn’t good enough anymore, I slammed my fist against the wall behind the hospital bed instead.

  The sound woke both my mother and Big Mama up, but SaTia had already rushed over to the bed. She was terrified, but tried her best to hold it together as she attempted to calm me down.

  “Moses...Moses, please...calm down! Please!”

  SaTia’s pleading was of no use. My mind spun around like a top, and I could barely tell up from down anymore. All my thoughts blended together, as if they were being melted into a large stew.

  I continued screaming as long as my senses were still lost, and at this point, it seemed doubtful they would ever return. What I thought I was avoiding by not talking had crept up on me regardless. I felt my sanity begin to dissolve like cotton candy on a child’s tongue.

  The room was soundproof, one of the perks of being a VIP in a well-endowed hospital, so there were no orderlies or nurses to come rushing in. My mother ran up to the bed and knelt crying beside me. I don’t know how her eardrums stood my screaming, but she wept and prayed. The sounds of both were drowned out by my screams.

  I never even saw Big Mama come up to the bed. She walked up to me from my blind side, leaned over the bed close enough to be heard, and started to sing...

  “O Mary, O Martha,

  O Mary, Ring dem bells!”

  She sang it softly, but the strength in her voice was enough to quiet my thoughts and shouts..

  Big Mama never told me what made her sing that particular song, but she sang the madness right out of me as she leaned over my bed. SaTia, convinced that my grandmother had put me under some sort of trance, lay there beside me as I rocked back and forth ever so slightly.

  “I hear archangels a rockin’ Jerusalem!

  I hear archangels a ringin’ dem bells!”

  I lay down and drifted into oblivion with those words ringing in my head. It was the first time I’d slept since I’d gotten up from my coma, and Big Mama’s words echoed somewhere off in the near distance. They bounced around in my head, trying to attach themselves to every thought.

  I slept hard and long, and dreamed of words I could not yet say.

  The next morning I woke up and spent my first ten minutes wondering if I were dreaming or not. I could see my mother, Big Mama, and SaTia, but I kept expecting Roka and Sarah to come through the door. When the confusion became too much, and my mind began to give way once again, I slowly turned myself toward the window and continued staring out it just as I’d done yesterday.

  “Do you think he’ll be okay?”

  Mama could never whisper well. She spoke to SaTia and Big Mama as if she were afraid I would hear her.

  “He’ll be fine,” Big Mama answered her nonchalantly.

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “I jus’ knows it.”

  Time was more defined for me now, which became increasingly scary. The minutes didn’t turn into hours anymore, like they had the day before. They stayed minutes, and inched away one by one until I could no longer stand it. The bright sky was still a refuge, but I couldn’t lose myself in it anymore. As I grabbed a hold of more and more sanity, my consciousness would force my mind to stay in the present.

  After an hour of staring out the window, I stood up from the bed and began pacing back and forth across the room.

  “Moe...I mean...Moses...are you okay?” SaTia said with uncertainty. I turned to her and nodded my head.

  “Do you know where you are?”

  I nodded once again.

  “Do you remember everything that happened yesterday? Do you remember last night?”

  Nod.

  “Do you feel like...like you might need some help? Like, some professional help?”

  I stopped pacing and looked at her, thinking hard about her question. She wanted to keep her hope that my recovery wasn’t false. She was hoping that I could reassure her.

  I shook my head and looked her straight in the eyes. I could still see the doubt on her face, so I walked up close to her. I could feel her nervousness as I approached her, but she didn’t move. When I got close enough to kiss her, I stopped, looked her in her eyes again, and shook my head.

  No, I said with my gaze. I’m okay now. Trust me.

  She read my eyes and nodded her head in acknowledgement. “Okay then,” she said, resolved. “Let’s talk about what’s going to happen today.”

  She walked over to where my mother and grandmother were sitting, pulled up a chair, and motioned for me to sit down. I did as instructed, and found myself seated directly across from her, with Big Mama on one side of me, her knitting equipment in her lap, and my mother on the other. They all looked at me, and then back at each other.

  “It’s good to have you back, Moses,” Big Mama said as her hands went to work, and then she smiled so slightly that I believed I was the only one who saw it. “You lookin’ a bit different this mornin’.”

  I nodded my head to my grandmother, and then looked back at SaTia.

  Though she knew I wouldn’t speak, SaTia still waited on my blessing to begin. I nodded, feeling bits and pieces of the man who had earned the trust of slaves coming back. She tried to hide her smirk.

  “You do look different this morning,” SaTia whispered, as if she was trying to sneak in a phrase without anyone hearing it. “Really different.”

  “You do, son.” Mama backed up the other women in the room. “Something’s changed.”

  I looked at each of the women and nodded appreciatively.
Whatever strength I had gotten throughout the night was now visible, and knowing that made me feel even stronger.

  I turned back to SaTia and willed her to start talking.

  “Okay...first things first, this hospital,” she began. “They’ve had to shut it down temporarily because so many people have tried to sneak in here to see you and it has jeopardized the welfare of other patients. I know you don’t know this, because there’s no way you could know, but you are literally the only patient in this hospital right now. That’s causing a bit of a public outcry. So we need a timeline of when you’ll be ready to get out of here. Any chance we could walk out of here today?”

  I thought hard about SaTia’s question, which again proved to me that I was finding my way back to the land of the sane. I was able to think rationally, but only in the context of being in the room with these three women. Overhearing a conversation might have thrown me into a psychotic break. God only knows what would happen if I tried to leave this room today.

  I turned to SaTia and shook my head.

  “Good,” she quickly responded. “I wouldn’t have let you leave today anyway. Just wanted to see where your head was. How about tomorrow?”

  I thought about it again, and nodded my head slowly.

  “I’ll take that as a maybe. What do you think about me telling the press that we’re leaving tomorrow? Believe me, no matter what, the hospital won’t kick us out. You can still take all the time you need. It would just be a date for them to have.”

  I nodded my head. I couldn’t hide in this hospital room forever. I’d have to face the world beyond its sliding doors eventually. It might as well be tomorrow...

  “Remember,” SaTia interjected into my thoughts, “it doesn’t mean you have to leave tomorrow—just that that’s what they’ll be saying in the press. In the end, you leave whenever you’re ready. Okay?”

  I nodded my head again, grateful for her concern.

  “Okay, next. The doctors are crying about it being against the law that you’re being housed in a hospital but none of the doctors have been allowed to see you.”

  “Is it against the law?” My mother’s curiosity got the best of her as she leaned forward in her seat.

  “Yes, it is. I’ve been pulling strings to keep them out, but I won’t be able to do it much longer. Moses, are you willing to let a doctor examine you?”

  I flashed back to first waking up from my coma and having the white doctors charge toward me. I almost jumped out of my seat as I vigorously shook my head.

  “Okay, okay, Moses, calm down...” SaTia saw my excitement and began to speak soothingly to me until I was sitting back in my seat once again. “God...Moses, I honestly don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to keep them out of here.”

  “Why don’t you let ’im choose?”

  We all looked at Big Mama, wondering what she meant.

  “I’m sorry, Mama Jenkins?”

  “Let him pick what doctor he want to look at him. Ask him if he wanna pick.” She motioned to me while continuing her knitting.

  “Moses, would it help if you could pick the doctor who looks at you?”

  I nodded my head.

  “If you picked out a doctor, would you let him examine you?”

  See if you can find a doctor who can make Sarah’s roots, I thought to myself as I nodded my head.

  “Thank God!” SaTia threw her hands up. “Mama Jenkins, you’re a genius!”

  “Child, please...” Big Mama glanced up at SaTia incredulously, and went back to her knitting.

  “Okay, I’m going to get some doctors in here as soon as we finish. The sooner we get you examined, the quicker I can get these lawyers and the medical board off my back. Just two other small things, okay?”

  I nodded for her to continue.

  “First, I want to expose you to some of what is beyond those doors today. Are you open to that?”

  I nodded my head.

  “Great. Second, Brian, Henry, and Ray have been blowing up my phone. They want to come see you tonight. I told them I’d get back to them. Do you think you’re ready for that?”

  My forehead wrinkled. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but something was off. Brian...Henry...Ray...wasn’t somebody missing?

  “You’re wondering about Orlando, aren’t you?”

  SaTia had read my thoughts once again. I looked at her solemnly and nodded my head.

  “Orlando’s in jail, Moses. He was working with P. Silenzas to set you up.”

  I knew it, but the words hit me like I didn’t. I flashbacked to standing on my front porch and seeing his face before feeling my chest break apart like a dropped Lego tower.

  Brian, Henry, Ray, and Orlando...my best friends from a different life. Would I even recognize them now? Would they recognize me?

  I nodded to SaTia, telling her to go ahead and let them come. Maybe they could tell me who I was without my asking.

  “Okay,” she said while standing up from her seat. “I’ll call them and let them know. Right now, though, I’m going to round up some doctors for you to choose from. The sooner we can get that over, the better.”

  SaTia walked briskly over to the double sliding doors, but stopped before she walked under the censor.

  “Moses...come here.”

  I stood and walked up beside her.

  “There are two sliding doors to this room. You have to walk through the first set, and then take about four steps and walk through the second set. By the time the doors to the hallway open, the first set have already closed. As the VIP room, it’s built that way on purpose, so that no one looking in from the outside hallway can see straight into the room.”

  I looked at her, wondering why she couldn’t have told me this while I was sitting down.

  “I’m telling you this because it’s time you saw what’s on the other side of this room. You need to know what you’ll be walking into, whenever you decide to leave. Come with me.”

  We took a step forward and the double doors in front of us opened, revealing the short hallway and the next set of doors a few feet ahead of us.

  “You wait here. When I step up and open those doors, you step back from these doors. It’ll be about a two second delay before they close, and the reporters on the other end have gotten so used to seeing me come out that they don’t even lift their cameras anymore. You won’t have a long time, but take a good look at what’s out there. I’ll be right back with the doctors.”

  SaTia looked over at me as I nodded to her one last time, and then she stepped forward. Once I heard the doors in front of me begin to move, I tried to step back from the doors that I was standing in, but I couldn’t. The scene in front of me was mesmerizing. There were people all crowded into the cramped space of the hallway like sardines in a can. I couldn’t see the walls anywhere. Every spot had a body blocking it.

  It was like a parade had decided to march into the hospital. The cameramen waved their cameras while the reporters did tricks with their microphones. Various journalists had found unused gurneys lying around, and turned the portable beds into their own temporary office spaces. Papers lay scattered around like litter in a public park, and the tapping of laptop keyboards seemed to fill the air with a rhythmic cadence that you could almost dance to.

  It was just a matter of time, I guessed, before it would happen.

  “Oh my God...it’s him. It’s him!!!!”

  And just that quickly, my comical parade turned into an unrelenting stampede. I couldn’t even tell the different people apart anymore. Before my eyes, they all meshed together into one huge, ferocious beast that galloped toward me, shaking the very foundation of the building as it bounded ahead. The sheer force of what was coming toward me forced me back a step, but when I looked up again and saw how close it was, my body froze in the fear of impending death.

  Finally, when the beast had gotten so close that I could just about smell the bloodlust on its breath, the first set of double doors slid shut, as did the set that I was standing in
front of, and before I knew what had happened, I was back in my solitude, surrounded by peace and quiet once again.

  “Moses, baby, you okay?”

  My mom saw me standing at the doors, still frozen from the few seconds that had passed. She walked over and placed one hand on my arm and the other around my waist, leading me back toward the bed.

  “You rest now.” She sat me down and glanced at my pale face. “You’ll be fine; you just rest.”

  Thirty minutes later, SaTia walked back through the door. Exhausted from my brush with death, I had fallen into a fitful sleep on the bed. The sound of the double doors opening again jarred me awake, however, and I jumped up with wide, darting eyes.

  “Calm down, Moses. It’s just me.” SaTia walked up to the bed and sat down at the foot of it. “You didn’t see me looking back at you, but I saw what happened. I hope you can understand why I had to make you do that. Nothing I said could have prepared you to come face to face with them. You had to see them for yourself.”

  I nodded my head, understanding what she was trying to do, but traumatized nonetheless.

  “Whenever you’re ready, Moses, I have doctors waiting right outside the door.”

  I nodded again, and closed my eyes to try and shake off the fear from earlier. Once I calmed myself down, I moved over to the edge of the bed, took a deep breath, and motioned for SaTia to continue. Mama and Big Mama sat quietly in the corner, spectating.

  “Okay,” SaTia said, “so I pretty much rounded up all the doctors I could find. I’ll bring them in three at a time.”

  Immediately I became defensive. The thought of my room being crowded with people I didn’t know made me uncomfortable enough to stand and ready myself for battle once again. SaTia saw my face change and my body tense up as I rose to my feet. “Moses, what...?”