by Holly Hood
A gnawing anger nipped at my conscience. I never wanted Audrey to win Slade over. I never imagined it would be so easy. Was I replaceable? Was I forgettable?
I curled up in a tight ball and let the tears escape. Warm trickles slid down my skin wetting my pillowcase. I groaned, wiping them away with my fingertips.
How was I upset? Why did I care when everything told me to steer clear of Slade? Nevertheless, like every girl before me, I was drawn to his bad-boy ways.
Now I was in bed sobbing like a loser over a guy who shoved his tongue down another girl’s throat when I was there to see it. If that didn’t spell out the truth, I didn’t know what would.
I sat up, my heart pounding out a stubborn beat in my chest. Now I was angry.
I flipped page after page in the book Hutch gave me, and hour after hour, I poured every ounce of belief into every single word I read. I believed them like I believed in disappointment. I read over each spell until I could recite it without a glance in the book's direction.
I closed off the world and sat in my bedroom teaching myself everything I could learn. Things I didn’t know anything about, things I never wanted to know anything about.
I read until my brain hurt, until my muscles ached from the position I sat on the floor.
I read until I was angry all over again, and I read some more until I accepted Slade’s choice.
I dropped the book in my lap and shut it, letting out an exhausted sigh. It was four in the morning. I raised my arms above my head getting in a good stretch.
“Now what?” I said. I stood, my legs stiff and rigid from the Indian style position I forced them to endure hours on end.
I raked a hand through my untidy hair and shoved my feet into my shoes. I took off out of my bedroom, passing through the dark hallway and slipped out the door and hurried down the steps.
The only light was from the moon. I ran across the deserted beach toward the hiss of the ocean. I breathed in the salty air. The wind slipped past my face. It was calming and gentle.
I took a seat in the damp sand, the cool wetness nipped at my shorts, and I didn’t care. I pulled out the only candle in my room and set it before me in the sand.
By the moon and the light
Through the trees
Through the night
I ask for the strength
I ask for the might
Build me up
And tear her down
Grant me the power
Grant me the power
Grant me the power
To take her down
The candle’s flame glowed bright. I repeated the verse, each time the flame roared to life taller and taller, changing from orange to blue to violet. I opened my eyes and waved a hand over the candle. The flame died out, leaving a faint gray smoke wafting away.
I pushed away the sand, and where the candle sat melting was a smooth stone. I lifted it, the warmth and glow told me all I needed to know. This was my sign the spell worked. I kissed it and slipped it into my pocket.
I ran to the edge of the water excited for the next spell. If I did what the book said I could see anyone I wanted. I scooped water from the ocean and held it in my hands, tiny drops escaping through the delicate crack in my hands. I concentrated on the cool water.
Let it be
Let me see
All the things I want to see
Raven hair, blue eyes
Show me Slade
Make me wise
I gasped. There before me was the liquid image of Slade in my hands. His eyes were closed, and he was in bed—alone.
“Words. Show me words,” I ordered. I watched the water change, casting away Slade’s sleeping image and replacing it with a more awake alert one. His face was angry, upset even. He tugged at his hair, shaking his head in frustration.
“Words show me words,” I said again, begging for what I desired most, a peek into the world of Slade when I wasn’t there to get a phony version.
“You got what you wanted, now leave me alone,” Slade said. “Does it feel good? Do you feel like the better person?”
His expression pained me. “I did what you asked. If that’s everything I want to go home.” He bit down on his lip in angst. I wished I could see past him to whom he was talking to, but it was no use. The magic only worked so far. And I wasn’t strong enough to push it further.
Dad’s voice cut through the magic turning the water in my hand back into useless water. I spun around.
“What are you doing out here this late?” He started across the sand to me. “It’s too late to be wandering around alone.” He wrapped an arm around me and headed back to the house.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I said.
“Me either,” he stumbled up the steps and took a seat before he made a bigger fool out of his self. I sat down next to him.
I wasn’t going to ask him why he was drinking. I knew why he was drinking. I almost understood it anymore. Dad tapped a beat on his leg and elbowed me into motion.
“She’s gone, oh why …” he sang softly making me smile. I started singing along with him until he stopped and let me take over while he kept the rhythm to the song. It took me back to my favorite time, when the only guy who mattered in my life was him, someone who would never hurt me on purpose.
I stopped singing, and the two of us broke into laughter, “That was nice, just like old times.”
Dad agreed. “I need to remember the finer things in life. Like my kids and the fact I am alive.”
I laid my head against Dad’s arm. “Ain’t that the truth? I don’t think I will ever understand people’s fascination with love.” I sighed.
“Sure you will. When you’re in it’s a wonderful thing, when you’re out of its brutal.”
“Would you do it again?” I asked him. Would he want to fall in love and have his heart broken again?
Dad nodded. “I’d do it in a heartbeat. There was a time when your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me, Hope.” He kissed my cheek. “You should call her sometime.”
“I don’t want to call her,” I said. “She’s supposed to want to call me. I'm her daughter.”
“She thinks you hate her. I know your mother better than anyone, when she thinks she messed up it's easier for her to run then to stand up to her failure.”
“And I don’t like that about her.”
“You don’t have to, but that doesn’t change the way things are or who she is to you. What she is supposed to mean to you.” Dad squeezed my arm. “This guy, Slade, why the change?”
I looked away. I never talked about boys with Dad. “We just aren’t compatible. I care too much, and he cares too little.” That was our relationship in a nutshell. “I don’t know what he is thinking. And he doesn’t care.”
Dad scrubbed his chin. “Is that it?”
Of course, it wasn’t. I sighed. “I saw him kissing someone else. After telling me there was nothing going on between them.” I brushed my hair from my shoulder. “Like I said he doesn’t show that he cares. I don’t think he does anymore at all, if he ever did even.”
“I know it hurts, and has you thinking about you. But it has nothing to do with you. These are Slade’s own personal issues not yours. Don’t hate him, but don’t let him treat you bad either, Hope.” Dad stood up. “Just let it go. Everything happens for a reason.”
I followed him back inside. “What if there are more reasons than usual?” Like magic and witches, things my dad would never believe if I told him.
Dad searched my eyes for more of an explanation confused by my statement. “Well, I don’t know what that is if you don’t tell me. Even so, even with reasons that doesn’t give any guy a right to treat my daughter bad.”
I rolled my eyes and smirked at Dad. “Your bias.”
“I am, but I’m your father. I am supposed to be. I’m not supposed to root for your misery. I had enough of my own. I don’t want that for you. What about this other guy, the tall one?”
I scrunched my nose. Was he trying to be a matchmaker?
“He seemed nice. No tattoos, he was wearing other colors besides black.”
“Dad, it’s called style and preference. Slade likes black there is nothing wrong with that.” I started toward the hallway and stopped. “And as for Hutch, he is a very nice boy, too nice for his own good.” I could imagine I would end up hurting him somehow. Someone as nice and caring as Hutch it was bound to happen.
We said goodnight to each other, and I slipped under the covers while dad snuck another drink. I listened to the sound of his door opening and closing. The squeak of his bed and the low hum of his television, I turned over and fell asleep.
Birthday
Birthdays, the one day a year I liked to forget. I was not like most girls. I didn’t get excited. I didn’t care about growing older.
I toweled my hair and came back into my room. There was a pale pink envelope addressed to me sitting on my pillow. I picked it up and sighed. It was my mother’s attempt at contacting me.
I slipped it on the top shelf of my closet and shut it away. I didn’t want to see it. Someone’s artistic ability wishing me a happy birthday wasn’t the same as hearing her say it herself. I wasn’t going to be shocked if she didn’t call on my birthday. She never called.
And out my bedroom I went. The smell of maple syrup tickled my nose and teased my stomach. When I rounded the corner, I jumped out of my skin.
Karsen, Kidd, Nona, Dad and Elliot and Easton were all decked out in polka-dot party hats and those annoying noise makers.
“Happy birthday,” everyone said in sync, smiles on each of their faces.
Nona kissed the top of my head, making me sit and placed a stack of French toast in front of me with a side of cantaloupe.
“We all wanted to be the first ones to wish you happy birthday,” Karsen said nudging Kidd. He worked a small box out of his pocket and set it in front of me. “It’s from Kidd and I.”
I lifted the black lid and pulled out the silver necklace. “It’s beautiful.” I fingered the small musical note dangling at the end along with half a heart. Looking at Karsen, she flashed me the other half of the silver charm. “Thanks, you guys.”
Nona was next. She pushed my plate out of the way and dropped a larger gift on the table. The flashy silver paper danced against the table. I pulled at the red bow and quickly dove into it. Nona always gave the best gifts.
“A laptop,” I smiled, kissing Nona on the cheek thankful for my gift. It was just the gift I needed now that I was away at college. And I knew Dad couldn’t afford to fork the money out for one. “Thanks, Nona.”
Elliot and Easton both stood up and set a gift bag on the table. “Since when do you guys give me gifts?” Dad smiled from the doorway. He sipped his coffee watching me pluck purple tissue paper one after the other from the bag.
“Love spell body spray,” I said with a grin. “You guys remembered.”
Elliot rolled his eyes. “It’s all the house smells like anymore. We thought you might need a refill. There’s lotion in there too.”
“Thanks guy,” I said, sitting back in my chair. Nona pushed my plate in front of me again.
I started to eat what I could. I didn’t have much of an appetite. The one person that was supposed to be out of my mind was on it.
Karsen slid over a seat. “How have things been?”
That was all it took. A sudden rush of tears escaped me. I didn't talk to Karsen about my Slade sighting. She didn’t know I saw the kiss.
“Sweet pea is everything alright?” Nona asked alarmed by the tears and sobs that shook my body. She wasn’t one for sadness; she lived in a world of joy all day long. Dad came to stand beside me, his hand clamping down on my shoulder.
“If it’s because I didn’t give you a present…” he teased, trying to get me in a better mood.
I wiped at my eyes and forced a small smile. “I’m not worried about a present, Dad.” Everyone stared at me. They all acted like it was the strangest thing they ever seen—except for Kidd. He looked troubled. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away from my tears, and this didn’t sit well with me.
“I did get you a present, but I am saving it for later.” Dad kissed my forehead. “Why don’t we clear out and let Hope talk to Karsen.” I shook my head in a panic.
“No, I want to talk to Kidd.”
Karsen raised an eyebrow but followed everyone out of the room. It wouldn’t take her long to understand why I was emotional or why I wanted to speak to Kidd out of everyone.
Kidd fiddled with the black bracelet on his wrist waiting for me to say something.
“I know I shouldn’t be missing him, but I am.” I sniffled. “I thought it was going to be easy to forget him.”
Kidd ran a black fingernail across his lip. “It’s never easy.”
It wasn’t easy, but that wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted the truth.
“How long has he been fooling around with Audrey?” I wiped at my eyes, a new batch of tears welling up. “I don’t know if you know this, but I saw them at the festival. He was kissing her. So you don’t have to cover for him.”
Kidd shrugged. “I wouldn’t know.”
I slammed a hand down on the table. “Just be honest.”
A silence fell between us. And Kidd caught my gaze; he pursed his lips and finally said something. “It’s been weeks. Before you got back from school, Audrey’s been hanging around for some time.”
The stomach-churning reaction rose. My hands turned hot and cold, and I felt like I wasn’t there anymore. Kidd tried to stand, but I stopped him.
“Why did he sleep with me again? Why didn’t he just break things off between us? We talked the entire time I was gone, every day. He could have just let it be, and I would have learned to do without him. I came back excited for more; he said he couldn’t wait to see me.” My heart ached, like a hot ember searing away my insides.
“Because he’s Slade, he doesn’t think.” Kidd stood up. “He’s an idiot. And if there is anything else you want to know talk to him. I don’t want to be a part of this. He’s a big idiot, and he doesn’t think, Hope.” Kidd took off out the door like his pants were on fire. His anger lingered in the room after he left.
I watched him head across the beach.
“Everything okay,” Karsen asked, coming to stand beside me. She followed my gaze. “Why is he leaving?”
“I asked him about Slade, and he stormed out.” I shrugged, turning to Karsen. She looked into my eyes. Her own filled with unease “I told him I saw Slade kissing Audrey. And I asked how long it been going on. Maybe it wasn’t my place to ask Kidd, but I wanted to know.”
Karsen didn’t speak. She shook her head, listening to me explain.
“He said it’s been going on before I even got back.” I let out an overwhelmed laugh. Karsen pulled me to her and wrapped her arms around me.
“You don’t need him.” She smoothed my hair. “I’m so sorry you found this out on your birthday.”
I shrugged. “It’s just a birthday. I have been miserable for days. And there is something else I need to tell you, Karsen.”
Karsen was confused. She raised an eyebrow. I pulled her out the door, and we started walking toward the water where we would have privacy.
The sand and shells poked at my bare feet. I knew it was now or never. I needed to share my secret with someone. So I didn’t feel alone in my chaos.
We sat down near the water.
I looked at Karsen and let out an anxious sigh. “After you went home last summer something happened to me.”
Karsen’s eyes grew as round as saucers. She blinked several times, tucking a tuft of hair behind her ear and angled her body toward me, so she could look at me head on.
“Well…” I wasn’t sure how to tell her.
Karsen’s stared at me puzzled. "Since when is it hard to tell me anything?"
“Well aren't you going to say something?" she pushed.
I did
n’t think telling Karsen I was forever indebted to Slade would be such a difficult thing. I knew there would be a supernatural tie between myself and black magic forever, but Hutch promised it could be broken. And that’s what I wanted. Maybe telling Karsen wasn't the right thing to do until I figured out how to fix things.
I looked at her confused expression. “Let's postpone this conversation until another time. I promise you I am alright." It was the right thing to do.
Karsen sighed irritated with me. “Alright fine, but if I find out it was something major. I might just kill you. Let’s get you ready for your birthday dinner.”
I sighed. “Where is this happening?” I hated surprises of any kind.
Birthday Candles
I secured the tiny black earrings in my ears coming out of my bedroom. Nona gasped, pleased with the new dress she and Claude special ordered for me.
“Oh, Sweet pea. You look absolutely stunning.” She gushed, hands to her face as she admired me. She touched the silken fabric. I gave a little twirl. I was quite fond of the dark purple and black sleeveless dress. I liked the way it looked wrapped against my body. The black lay under the purple and gave the illusion it winded around my entire body. And I loved how the neckline accentuated parts of me I otherwise would have frowned about. It was a great dress.
“Thanks. I feel absolutely stunning.” I took a seat next to Claude while Dad tried finding a tie in his closet and struggled to get the wrinkles out of his nice clothes.
“Honey I am going to help my son pull himself together. If we wait any longer we are going to miss our reservations,” Nona said to Claude and clomped out of the room.
I smiled at Claude. He winked back and stayed his usual quiet self, between the French accent and his lack of conversation. I didn’t know what to say to him. I wondered how Nona, and him got along so well. She loved to gossip, and Claude was the strong silent type.