by Tara Lynn
“Hey, I still know what a good essay looks like.”
Maria dropped the papers and huddled into my shoulder. Her fuzzy red and green sweater crackled against my yellow one. “You should have told me. I can't go there alone.”
I stroked her long dark hair. “Of course you can. You’re way more mature than me. I couldn't even handle thinking about being that far away. That's why I didn't apply.”
“Why not?” She straightened. “I'm the one who has family here. I mean, you don't even like your folks.”
“Folk. I have only one parent.”
“And you like your mom?”
She knew what she was asking. I had shared my entire history with her. All the details that I hadn't blacked out anyway.
“Do you like yours?” I asked. “You've been taking care of her forever.”
“It's not the same. My mamá knows what I do for her. Your mom...”
“Has no clue what happens in our house.”
Maria shrugged. “Why aren't you more angry at how much she let you get hurt? I'd be trying to get as far away from her as I could.”
A din of laughter steamed up the stairwell, my mom's voice soft but high enough to pick apart. There were only like ten people there including her fiancé and herself. The rest weren't even close friends, just people around town with no one better to end the year with. Most were harmless, but she had invited a couple of deputies from the sheriff's office. I'd rather hang with bikers before I set eyes on them. But my mom didn't seem to be bothered. Nothing bothered her.
As far as I remembered, she had always been a mouse of a woman. My grandparents were never in the picture, and my father had cut and run long long ago. All my mother ever wanted was to assemble the pieces of her broken life and fill in what she had always missed: a husband, a complete family. It didn't matter if it worked, it just had to look intact.
Even at fourteen, I knew turning to her would get me nowhere. I couldn't depend on her, but I had always known that. Some people were just too weak to do the right thing.
Or maybe they were just smart enough not to do the wrong thing by accident.
“I told you it was fine,” I yelled, the front door just cracked open. “I told you Rett. I told you not to do anything.”
“How could I do that,” he said, trying to wedge himself in. “How could I ever stand by?”
“I begged you to let it go.”
“Baby, what happened?”
I tried to press it shut, but it was no use. I couldn’t stand up to him anymore than he could my stepfather. The door flung open. I limped back a few steps. Rett stood, edges shining with the sun.
He clutched his hair.
“Oh Jesus,” he said. “Oh, god, Liza.”
“Go.” I hated the way he looked at me, like a shattered vase.
But he came in and held me, and I couldn’t run away from that either. Couldn’t stop myself from sobbing. Who else did I have without him?
No one.
“I'm not staying for her,” I said. “It has nothing to do with my decision.”
“Then what the hell? Who else do you have in this town? You're free, honey!”
Her warm gaze lay on me, patient but intent. It wasn’t about wanting to stay though, just how far I was able to run.
Why would I want to stay?
Rett's hard, brooding face flashed through my mind. Of course he'd show up. Who else had I ever cared about here other than Maria? It didn't mean a thing.
This whole past month, he was barely here anyway. I saw him in the hallways at school more than at home, and even there he passed by without a word. I’d run the last words we’d spoken over and over. Were they too harsh? For everything he’d done, he’d never once come close to hurting me.
He had left me though. He couldn’t change that. And I couldn’t let myself forget.
If I was up after midnight, I might catch his footsteps soft on the stairs. He was a far better ghost than I was. The last good look I had of him was a pindrop silent Christmas dinner last week. A couple times, I’d looked up from my plate and still found him looking with a distant softness, as if he were recording the sight for later.
Why he needed so long, I didn’t know. The short sight of him at dinner still hadn’t left my mind. It would appear unbidden at night, and I’d turn it over and over to see what his silence meant. I’d just end up remembering more from our past.
From back when we were truly together, our minds and our bodies.
I didn’t dare dream those thoughts before, but every time the idea arose, another detail would fill in. The feel of his legs spreading mine apart. The strength of his hand cupping my face. Our sweat trapped between us.
“It’s not too late,” Maria said.
“What?” I startled back to reality.
“You might still be able to send these in.” She nudged the papers. “It’s only overdue a week. You should call them.”
“Oh, yeah, well, it’s probably for the best. I know Austin will let me in. I can really do well there.”
Maria's face broadened. “Ohh, so that's what it is. I know what’s on your mind.”
“What?” My breath caught. Did she?
“You just are afraid of not being top dog anymore.”
Oh. I turned away. “Whatever you think.”
“That's what it is, huh? Hey, I get it. It's tough to go from number one to number two. Trust me.” She patted me on the back.
She was wrong though. I wasn't afraid to be number two or even ten. But I needed something. Maybe the school paper, maybe some other club.
Austin was a good school, but there were probably people like me to find. People who just wanted a quiet place to figure out who they were. Places like Harvard and Columbia were full of rich kids, who thought a divorce was the darkest thing in the world.
“They won’t extend the deadline anyway,” I said, getting up. “Forget it. Come on, let's get something from the kitchen. There's only a little bit of the year left.”
“Sorry, didn't mean to nag.” Maria swayed as she got to her feet. “It must be this left over eggnog.”
I laughed. “You know that's non-alcoholic right?”
“What?! How did you let me drink four cups? My resolution is to lose weight for college, not get a head start on the freshman fifteen.”
We filed downstairs, taking care to duck out of sight from the living room where the older people were murmuring. The snacks and drinks were mostly in the kitchen. Maria scowled at the virgin eggnog and poured herself a little of the cheap wine. She offered me the bottle.
“Let's toast towards getting out of here.”
I shook my head. “I can toast with soda.”
“Come on, just a little bit. You’ve gotta have a little at midnight.”
“That's not what you do at midnight,” a deeper voice cut in.
Maria spun around like a mouse caught with cheese, but the voice hadn't come from one of the adults. It was a timbre I knew down to my core.
Rett drew out of the hallway and came up through the narrow kitchen. His navy and gold varsity jacket was zipped up the middle, tight against his bulging chest and thick shoulders. His face seemed golden under the cheap fluorescent lights, his trim hair slick and glistening.
I couldn’t turn. It was hard to look away when he was up close like this. Maria stared on, stunned. He grabbed the bottle from her, took a swig and winced.
“Toasting with this is bound to give bad result,” he said. “You made the right call, sis.”
“Don't call me that,” I said. The images rushing to my brain crashed painfully against that title.
Maybe avoiding each other was a bad idea. One touch of his voice and I was trembling like I’d been hit. I tried flashing fury at his face, but the anger just wouldn’t bloom past a spark. Thank god Maria was here.
“We are who we are,” he said. “No point fighting it.”
“What are you doing here?” I said. “Shouldn't you be trashing up the ba
r with your buddies in the biker gang?”
“I had a tumbler or two. I wanted to come home before the rain did.”
He glanced out the window, at a night without stars. “Perfect start to this year if you ask me, but that doesn’t mean I want to be drenched in it.”
His breath burned with alcohol. His gaze fell back to me, but seemed unsteady. He wasn’t himself. I should be worried, but the heat that flushed my body felt more like hope than fear.
He must have noticed something too, cause his eyes sharpened. But then he relaxed and stretched.
“I’m going to sleep it in,” he said. “Enjoy whatever the night brings, ladies.”
“You came all the way home to say that?” I said.
“Don’t flatter yourself, darling. I’m just here for my bed.”
“You know there’s a party going on here. It’s kinda hard to tune out.”
“A light breeze could drown out these festivities.”
I was out of rope to pull on. I didn’t even know what I wanted to get out of him. “So you’re really just going to sleep now?”
He cocked his head. “What is it you think I’m doing here? Looking for you?”
The noise seemed to dim. The seconds ticked by beat after beat. His tilted lips settled, parted.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You don’t where we stand? You think it’s by accident that I’ve been so absent in your presence? Or are you just hoping it’s a fluke.”
“Excuse me,” Maria said softly. “I actually need to use the bathroom.”
Rett clung to the wall, and she slipped past before I could even register. A chorus of voices rang out as she turned down the hallway. Great, she'd been caught by my mom's posse. Knowing how polite Maria was, she wouldn't be out of there till after next new year.
Which left me alone with my stepbrother. His gaze fell much lower than my face. Even through my sweater, I felt topless.
My skin was nearly burning now. I backed away, but the counter checked my retreat. I kept my eyes on him, like he was a rabid tiger. But he wasn’t the only under some influence. Heat started leaking deep into my body, into places it hadn’t been in years.
“What are you asking?” Rett said.
“It just seems there's gotta be somewhere else you want to be,” I said, turning to fill my glass. “Your roided out football crew doesn't have something going? Or is that over when the season ends?”
“Football season isn't over for us,” he said. “We have the southwest Texas championship in a couple weeks.”
“The season ends in November.”
“Aren’t you the editor of the paper?” he said, smiling. “Even if you’re not up in the bleachers anymore, you should know the news.”
My nose itched hot and intense. “What you mean?”
“That cloud outside ain’t a stranger to our town. The stadium’s been flooded on and off for weeks. They pushed the game till next year.”
“Oh.” Of course I knew that. It had been the damn headline in our last newspaper. Where the hell had my brain gone?
“Strange times, these are. Nature ain’t behaving the way it should.”
His eyes lingered softly, freed by whatever he’d been drinking. I had started this. Why? The longer we stayed, the more our silent truce crumbled. I should just shake his hand and walk off.
It would be an amazing exit. But then I looked at his hand and saw his thick, matted forearm, leading up to the rippling upper arm, the strength clear even through his jacket sleeve. If I touched that, I might not let go.
“You must be looking forward to the new year,” he said.
“Huh?” I snapped to him. “Why?”
“Graduation, leaving Loving. I'm guessing you're not headed to that community college down the road.”
“It’d be cheaper, but I'm hoping I can get money somewhere else.”
He leaned in, resting on the counter. “Where you planning to go?”
“Where?” I crushed my eyes and opened them. “Wherever they’ll take me. Austin maybe.”
He nodded. “You'll like it out there.”
“How do you know it? Were you there for a drug deal?”
I regretted the words even as they leaked out. Rett shot me a cool look.
“No, it wasn't recent. My dad took me up while he filed some disability paperwork in some government office there. Somehow the fact he'd driven four hours to get there didn't factor in to their consideration, and they approved him anyway.”
He cocked his head toward the hall. Maybe he could make out his father’s meager voice. The two were nothing alike. His father was my mother's perfect match.
Rett, well Rett had always been a man of too much action. Even when he was just a freshman. He might not know the right thing to do, but he never stood aside. Not even when he should.
I shook my head.
“Why are we talking about the past?” I said.
He shrugged his broad shoulders. “You asked me why I wasn't out with my football crew. It's cause they're like you. They're all looking forward to next year and graduation.”
“And you're not?”
“I’m not happy being done with football.”
His gaze dipped, and he looked strangely alone. It occurred to me that he always seemed that way. He was the MVP in all of west Texas football and an initiate in an even tighter brotherhood for his MC, and yet he somehow always looked like a lone operator rather than a general. He marched to his own drumbeat.
Was he having regrets about pledging himself to the MC? Was that why he left them so early? Well, he’d just have to turn in his gear and be done with it. Then maybe, we could…
No. That barely scratched the surface of what had happened between us.
A question started working its way to my lips. “What kind of New Year’s resolution does a guy like you have?”
He looked off, then back to me amused.
“To accept who I am.”
“What? You seem pretty sure of yourself already.”
“I thought I was.” He glanced at me. “But there are things that throw me off.”
His attention was like a heater. “Like what?” I said.
“Like catching a glimpse of your past.”
His eyes lifted off and I gulped. “I see.”
“Your turn.”
“Oh.” I scrambled to think. “I guess just stay true to who I am.”
His lips teased up. “You have something making that difficult?”
My brain felt useless. Suddenly, people started chanting down the hallway.
“Twenty! Nineteen! Eighteen!”
I glanced at the kitchen clock. Oh, no.
“Sixteen! Fifteen! Fourteen!”
“Hey.”
Rett's palm cupped my chin. It was cool, but my face erupted into heat.
“Twelve! Eleven! Ten!”
He tipped me up to him.
“You have a big future ahead,” he said. “You should bring it in right.”
“Seven! Six! Five!”
His lips loomed before me, wet but firm, warm against his hard, unyielding face. The smell of his leather, his dark musk, suffocated me. I couldn't move.
No, it was more than that. I didn't want to go anywhere.
“Three! Two! One!”
For a moment he didn’t move. His face crossed every emotion I had ever sketched on my pad. Then, he pressed in. My lips parted, far out of my control. A long forgotten ache opened up between my legs.
But he turned my head. He kissed my right cheek, once - certain but soft. And then he let me go.
My legs felt like I'd just gotten off a roller coaster. I braced myself against the counter.
Rett was smiling, but not his usual smirk, not his condescension, just warmth – a full dose of what I’d seen whiffs of these past few weeks.
“Happy new year,” he whispered. “You deserve it.”
He squeezed my shoulder and moved out of the kitchen past me.
I just stood there, catching my breath, feeling like I might just never get it back altogether.
The boy I knew was still in there. I wanted to call him back.