by Tara Lynn
I dropped the gun. I grabbed the drugs. Dropped them again, huddled them against me and ran.
Liza listened silently as I told her what came before, what came after. We lay silent in the sun for awhile.
“He pulled a gun on you,” she said.
“People pull guns all the time. He didn’t know me. That was his job.”
“He might have shot you.”
“Then I should have run. I should have dropped the drugs. I should have done anything.”
“The MC should have told him. If they knew he was high, they should have warned you. This was on them.”
“What?” I shook my head. “The MC saved me. They forgave me and they gave me a home.”
“They gave you a prison. They took away your future.”
“No, I did that to myself. The MC did everything they promised and then some. They even sent your stepfather away.”
Liza's breath cut off in an instant. “What?”
“I told you. That’s why I went there.”
“Yeah, but they didn’t do that. He didn’t leave for another month after then.”
“Do you think that was for no reason? No, the MC took care of him.”
Her voice went low. “What do you mean took care of him?”
In that moment I was grateful for my ignorance. “They had him meet with his stuff outside of town. I don't know where he went, but the MC was the one who got him out of your house.”
Her eyes were wide pools now. She gazed at me as if I were some alien species she had never encountered. “So you traded your life for mine.”
“What? No.”
“You did. Oh my god, you gave yourself to them to save me.”
I watched her eyes tremble. All my guilt had rolled off onto her shoulders. I’d never wanted this, but…it was the truth. I was so goddamn tired of running from the truth. “I traded them your life for a job. It wasn’t meant to be a permanent thing.”
“Don’t stay, Rett.” She grabbed my wrist. “I don't know what you promised them, but don't stay with them for me.”
“I’m not,” I said. “I swear it. It’s just the only place I belong.”
“The only place you belong?” She looked like I’d call the Earth flat. “Staying with the club is better than taking a scholarship to an amazing school?”
How did she still not get it? “I told you everything I've done. Fuck, I killed someone Liza. I belong behind bars. I don’t deserve a place like UT Austin”
“We don't get what we deserve, Rett.” She sighed and it was a strange defeat coming from her. “I thought you wanted to let go of the past. Why are you clinging so hard to a cause you don’t really believe in?”
I gazed down at my painstakingly sculpted form, encasing a soul that wasn't worth the air it was printed on. “I don't have a choice.”
“You're not giving yourself a choice.”
“I can't just walk away from the man I've become.”
“Then don’t do it for you,” she pleaded. “Do it for me. What happened was an accident. Maybe you’re too good to forgive that about yourself, but I’m not. You don’t deserve to stay here for that.”
Her voice was deeper than I had ever heard, balmy and soothing.
“Come with me,” she said. “Be who you are.”
And suddenly I was shaking. I couldn't even stop it. All the things I had buried while doing things a normal man would not do came bubbling back out through every goddamned pore in my body.
“I wish I could.”
I trembled and tried to turn, but Liza latched onto me like a magnet, and would not let go.
“You can,” she said. “Come with me.”
She repeated it over and over. And finally, after a long long time, I gave her an answer.
“I’ll try.”
****
The clubhouse was mostly empty when I walked in, looking like a ghost town saloon. The bar lay unmanned and only a couple guys sat drinking at a booth in the dark wooden interior.
Fortunately, they were the two I wanted to see.
Jethro and Clash sat talking, Clash’s shaved head leaning over to meet Jethro’s more than halfway. They were barely audible even in the emptiness here.
“Hey,” I said, walking up.
Both stopped talking. The silence grew deafening.
“What's happening, Snapshot?” Jethro said, without lifting his head.
“Nothing.” My heart smashed against my ribs, but I breathed and stayed calm. This was just another play. “Nothing's happening,” I said.
“Well alright,” Clash said. “Thanks for that update. Nothing's happening here either, so you can get on back to finish up classes or whatever.”
“I'll get on back,” I said. “But I'm not returning here.”
They sat up, stools creaking. I stood as tall as Clash, well above Jethro, but I couldn't match the bladed looks in their eyes.
“The hell does that mean?” Jethro asked.
“I'm turning this in.” I shook off my cut and slapped it down on the table.
Jethro looked at it and chuckled. “What, you get it dirty or something?”
“I'm fucking serious,” I said. “I’m out of the MC, alright? I got a future I'm tired of not heading into. You know, the one you were making sure I didn’t hear about?”
Jethro’s eyebrows flared, just an inch, but they settled. “The scout, huh. We just didn’t want you getting distracted.”
“With doing what I was born to do? You couldn’t let me decide?”
“Seemed like you’d forget your oath, just like you are now.”
“Protect your own.” I snorted. “You weren’t doing me a favor. Just like you weren’t when you found me cringing from killing a guy by accident. I should have walked away then, done my time while I was still a juvenile. Instead I’ve helped do worse. I’m done with it.”
“The hell you are,” Clash said. “Son, we put trust in you. We invested in you. You think half the state knows about you just cause you can hurl a ball? All that we gave you – the cut, the ride – that’s part of who you are. You think you can throw that all down on the table, too?”
“You invested in the wrong guy then,” I said. “That's what happens sometimes.”
I turned, but Clash's hand landed on my shoulder. I shrugged it off, but not before he turned me back.
“See, I don't think we did mess up,” he said, his smile all sinew. “I think we made the right call after all.”
Something in that sleazy mouth made my heart stop. “What are you talking about?”
“We protected you from the law. That's what brothers do for each other. But if you're no longer a brother-” Clash shrugged. “-there's not much we can do for you.”
“And you've done some messy stuff,” Jethro said. “If ever a cop were the find the scenes of your incidents, well, there's no telling what he might get on you.”
“God forbid they ever found out that you put a man in the dirt.”
Jethro’s lips were curled up. He looked to be enjoying this.
“That was years ago,” I said. “He’s gone.”
“Is he now? Statute of limitations on murder lasts a long time once you’ve found a body.”
“And we know where to find the body,” Clash said. “After all, we took care of it for you didn’t we? Just like we took care of that mess you came to us with.”
“We did what you asked us to,” Jethro said. “We used our resources. Now it’s time that you use yours.”
Extortion – the only thing that kept me from breaking was trying to figure out just what had happened. “Use my what?”
“Your name, boy. You’re gonna help us expand. The MC rolls into town, that’s one thing. But the West Texas champion QB comes in, people respond all too differently.”
“You think we kept your hands clean for nothing?” Clash said. “Most brothers have a lot more to do than just sell drugs.”
“We made it easy for you. Not all brothers get away with just one gunfight.”
The two traded self-satisfied looks.
And then I knew. How the hell had I missed it all these years?
“You sent me out there to kill that guy,” I said. “That deal was meant to go to shit. He wasn’t our supplier at all.”
Jethro shrugged. “He was once. And then he changed his loyalties. You see what happens?”
Clash leaned over and gave me a heavy pat on the shoulder. “It’ll be fine, Snapshot. You got a bright future right here, you’ll see.”
“Now run along,” Jethro said.
I walked out, into the sun, but I felt not light. There was no hope.
And nothing to be done.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Eliza
I used to hate school assemblies – the whole school crammed into the squeaky, wax-smelling bleachers in the school gym, getting excited over some stupid sports score.
Seeing Rett stalking around up front with cheerleaders uncomfortably close probably had something to do with that.
But this time it was me standing in the center next to the lectern with the principal, and the rest of the class staring dully back.
“Her performance is a model that I encourage all you underclassmen to pay attention to,” the principal said, his white bushy mustache fluttering with each word. “Beyond simply seeking to graduate from this school, Eliza chose to challenge herself and take on the immense pressure of participating in the National English Olympiad. It is this dedication to excellence that allowed her to place 2nd nationwide and bring distinction to herself and to our school.”
I had taken the test back in the fall, before Rett and I were anything but strangers with a past. I’d completely forgotten about it in the months since. All those hours I’d spent in the library after school, studying useless grammar rules. Those same hours, now were devoted to Rett, or sketching, if he were out. I would never have come close to this award if the test had happened now and not spring.
And even standing here, basking in the principal's glow, it didn't seem like such a loss. Who actually cared that much about grammar? Just because I could reach for something shouldn't mean I had to, especially when I already had what I wanted.
At least, I hoped I did.
“So, it is with great pleasure,” the principal said, “that I award you with this plaque for your success in the NEO.”
I walked over and shook his hand limply, as the rest of the class gave me equally tepid applause. I never had fooled myself into thinking I was popular cause of my grades or anything. Heck, grades kept people from looking too close. But today, the claps sounded more hollow than ever.
Maria's approval mattered to me, but the only other person who counted wasn't even in school today. I hadn't seen Rett in two days. He had texted to say he was busy, but that hardly calmed me down. He'd promised he was leaving the MC – what exactly could he be busy with?
Simple. He hadn’t left.
“In addition to this plaque I am awarding you,” the principal said. “The school has received its own copy that we will mount on the academic wall, so that you can inspire everyone else that passes through here.”
Right, cause someone would see my plain little name written in fake black granite and decide they needed one for themselves. Maybe someone would, but hopefully it was someone who actually loved English, not someone who just wanted another scale to build armor to hide in.
The room had fallen silent, I realized. I glanced up. The principal was beaming down at me. He ticked his head at the podium.
“Oh,” I said, softly. I edged over to the microphone and quickly said. “Thank you for this award.”
And I moved right away.
“Saving it all for graduation, I see,” the principal said, chuckling. “Well, alright. Liza Tull everyone.”
Tull?
People clapped like zombies, but I certainly had a lot to say now. I spun on the principal.
“It's Clark,” I said.
“What?” he cupped his ear to me away from the mic.
“My name is Eliza Clark.”
“Your mother sent us a form.”
“I didn't change my name. I'm an adult, and I'm Eliza Clark.”
“Oh.” The principal pulled a pad out of his breast pocket and scribbled something on it. “I apologize Eliza. We'll fix it for graduation.”
I glared at him, until it struck me just what I was doing and I backed away.
It was time to go to my seat anyway. But there was nothing to fix. I was always Eliza Clark, no matter how many shitty stepfathers my mom went through. Eliza Clark did not need to become anyone else. The world should know that.
Thought I still couldn’t shiver at the thought of being known as Eliza Tull if the school found out that I was sleeping with Everett Tull. I didn’t need to be a shining star, but I didn’t want to be trash either.
I sat down next to Maria who threw me a sideways hug.
“Still racking it up,” she said. “I wish I could come anywhere near catching up.”
“You don't want to be me,” I said, nudging her head with mine.
“No, I don't,” she said. “But I can still be in awe right?”
“Maria, you're real. I'm the one who should be in awe of you.”
“Then let's just both be in awe of each other,” she said, finally letting go. “Well, at least until we get to Austin and you find better friends.”
That actually got me to smile. “Hah, like I'm the one one who needs you guys and not the other way around.”
Maria's brow fussed up. “You guys? Who are you talking about? Do you have a friend other than me?”
Oh great. “It's just a saying.”
“Is it?”
“Whatever, you know what I mean.”
I turned out and feigned extreme interest in the details of the upcoming soccer game with our rival.
The rally ended and classes ended, but my phone didn't have any new texts as Maria drove me back. But, as we drove up the road towards my little house, I easily made out the slanting form of a Harley.
I barely muttered out a goodbye to Maria before running off towards the front door. The air was steamy with what smelled like boiling pasta, but I rushed past before my mom could peek out of the kitchen and kill precious minutes.
Rett's room door lay open, and he stood at the dresser with his broad back to me. He had on just jeans and a t-shirt that caught every ridge of his back. His leather jacket lay in a heap by the door.
The floorboards creaked as I stepped towards the door, but he stayed still, looking down at something.
“Hey,” I said, stopping at the door.
My body was aching to be thrown at him, to wrap around him and ask him everything. But his shoulders looked liked they might crumple at my very touch. His whole body was slumped.
“Rett, you ok?” I said, stepping in onto his carpet.
His head ticked back a moment, but he didn't look at me. “Hey,” he said.
“What are you looking at?” He had something in his hand. I walked around, but it was just a sheet of paper. It looked used almost. Had the MC given him something?
And then I saw the trace of an orange seal, and I knew.
“Are you taking the offer?” I said, feeling my voice rising.
“It's over,” he said.
“What?” I crossed over and pored over the sheet. “What do you mean? It's open until the end of the month.”
“Two weeks,” he said. “It doesn't matter. It's over already. This is already lost to me.”
His features seemed darker, more etched away. Sharp, black stubble covered his lips. He smelled strongly of himself in a way that made me want to inhale. He looked beautiful, but broken.
“What happened?” I said, cupping his cheek.
“Nothing. Exactly nothing.” He blew air through his teeth. “I'm still in the MC.”
“What? Why?” I said. “Don't tell me they changed your mind.”
“Cause I've done too much for them.”
/>
“Rett...I told you. Let the past stay where it is. You don't need to carry it with you.”
He chuckled, harshly. “It doesn't matter if I am. Someone else is still carrying around the pieces.”
“What?”
He turned to me, letting the paper fall. “I told you. I did dark things for them. I killed for them. And the MC, they know what I did. They kept the evidence.”