"I've turned into my mother!"
"Now, there's a frightening thought," Christine said.
"Maybe not for everyone, but it is for me." Maddy remembered when Joe had had the same revelation about him becoming more like his mother, but at least Mama Fraser was someone she would want to be like. "What's worse is I was treat-ing Joe as if he was as big an insecure jerk as my Neanderthal father. No wonder he's insulted. I'm insulted for him." She covered her eyes. "And embarrassed and ashamed and really pissed at myself."
"Maddy"-Christine squeezed her knee-"this is hardly surprising. We all form our opinions about relationships based on the dynamics of our parents' relationship. It's what we grow up watching."
"Yes, but I grew up swearing I would never be like my mother."
"You love your mother," Christine said.
"Of course I do. That doesn't mean I always like her. And I sure don't respect her. She's an intelligent, talented, personable woman with incredible organizational skills. She ran our house so smoothly it was amazing. But it was all done behind my dad's back, with her dismissing everything she did as no big deal while praising anything Dad did, no matter how stupid. Like 'Oh wonder be, the man managed to lift his own butt out of his armchair and walk into the dining room all on his own power to eat this little oP meal I fixed. Isn't he a miracle? Oh no, dear, don't get up to fetch another beer. You've been driving around in your squad car all day while all I did was grocery shopping, cleaning, mending, cooking, and running ten thousand errands for your five ungrateful kids. Let me wait on you.' Gag, gag. gag-"
"You shouldn't be so hard on her," Amy said gently. "That's the way a lot of marriages from that generation work."
"Actually," Christine put in, "a lot of marriages are still that way. I guess it works for some people."
"I'm talking about an extreme case here," Maddy insisted. "One that's sickening to watch.
Mom sang in the church choir but laughed off any suggestion that she sing a solo. She worked in a department store for a while but turned down a promotion into management. She belonged to a garden club and refused to be president all three times she was asked. I grew up blaming all that on my dad and vowing that I would never, never let a man do that to me."
"Are you saying now it wasn't your dad's fault?"
"Yes and no. I'm getting to that. First, the part that's easier to understand. The reason I freaked when Joe asked me to marry him way back when is because I refused to get married right out of high school and spend my life subjugating myself to any man. I was going to work my tail off, go to college, be an independent woman. A successful artist. My own person. So in my head the two things became connected. Marrying Joe equaled having to become like my mother."
"So"-Christine held up a hand-"since you changed your mind about marrying Joe, you had to change your mind about the other."
"Yes!"
Amy frowned. "Then how come you weren't that way with Nigel?"
"I don't know." Maddy massaged her temple. "Maybe because he was so completely opposite from my father, while Joe is much more masculine, so not so opposite. Not that he's like my father, because he's not."
"Oo, I just had a thought." Christine pursed her lips. "One I don't think you'll like."
"What?" Maddy frowned when her friend hesitated. "You might as well tell me. I can't possibly lose any more respect for myself today."
"You did do it with Nigel." Christine shrugged apologetically. "It just wasn't as noticeable. He was very successful professionally, and he came from a reasonably well-off family. That gave you a pretty high ceiling to hit before your success topped his. Then he got sick, which jeopardized his professional status. Some women would have reacted to that by becoming more aggressive in their own careers to replace their husband's income. But you poured all your energy into guarding his success by running his business for him. That may be the real reason you stopped pursuing an art career. The ceiling got too low."
"Oh crap, you're right." Maddy hid her face behind her hand. "And this is where it all gets more complicated. I don't do it just with men. I do it with women too. Which is something Joe pointed out, but I didn't see just how bad I am about it until I was driving up here."
She lowered her hand. "So now, I feel like someone ripped a blindfold off my eyes and suddenly I'm looking at my mother and really seeing her for the first time. Maybe Mom can't let herself do all the things I know she's capable of for the same reasons I get all sick at my stomach when I do well. My success might hurt someone's feelings or make people not like me. Maybe that's the real reason she won't sing solo in the church choir. And that's why a marriage that looks completely unfair on the outside works for those two people. Dad gets a slave and a verbal whipping post to make him feel manly, and Mom gets a convenient excuse to hold herself back. How warped is that?"
"True," Christine agreed, "but like you said, it works for them."
"I hate that, though." Disgust sat sourly in Mad-dy's stomach. "And I don't want to be like that."
"You don't have to be." Christine unwrapped another candy bar. "The first step to breaking a pattern is recognizing it. Or, as Jane said in her book, face your inner fear."
"Except she was wrong. I'm not afraid of rejection."
"You're afraid of success." Christine held out the chocolate.
"What kind of a fear is that?" Maddy broke off a bite.
"A fairly common one, I think," Amy said.
"But why?" Maddy asked. "It's so stupid."
"Success changes things." Christine shrugged. "Sometimes in ways that aren't so comfortable. It requires responsibility and sacrifice and can open you up for undeserved criticism. It also changes how you see yourself and how others see you."
"Yeah." Maddy popped the bite of chocolate into her mouth. "It makes some people hate you."
"Only petty, selfish, insecure people. The trick is to realize that your success doesn't rob anyone of anything."
"But it can rob you," Maddy said. "Look at Jane. She was willing to sacrifice anything, which turned out to include us, to achieve her dream."
"She didn't have to," Amy said.
"You know"-Christine munched thoughtfully- "I've been thinking about her book a lot. Hidden among a lot of nonsense it has some pretty good gems of wisdom about how hard life can be. That makes me wonder if she's really as 'outrageously happy' as she would have the world believe."
"See?" Maddy gestured with her glass. "There you go, right there. Success doesn't automatically equal happiness."
"Yet surely it doesn't automatically exclude it either," Amy argued. "I have to believe that happiness comes from finding the right balance. Maybe your balance is accepting that success can empower you without consuming you or diminishing others. Mostly, though, you don't have to sacrifice friendship to reach for your dream. The people who love you will be happy for you, and even get a vicarious thrill watching you."
"God, I love this woman," Christine said. "She's so damn wise. And she's right, Mad. Those of us who love you will be nothing but thrilled."
"Which I guess brings us back to Joe." Maddy stared at her nearly empty glass. "What am I going to do? I really insulted him."
Amy squeezed her hand. "Then apologize."
Christine shuddered. "Don't you just hate that?"
"Not when I've been this stupid." Maddy sighed. "I just hope we can work past this."
"If he loves you, you will." Christine swiveled on the coffee table to survey their supplies. "In the meantime, we have wine, chocolate, and Johnny Depp."
"Orlando Bloom," Amy countered. "He has the sweetest eyes."
"Okay, you get sweet, I get bad, and Maddy gets the cucumber."
"Christine!" Amy blushed.
"For her eyes." Christine blinked, the picture of pure innocence. "That is why you got it, right?"
Maddy smiled at both her friends, loving them so much she thought she might start crying again. Good thing Amy got that cucumber.
Chapter 22
&nbs
p; The evening of the show, Maddy stood in the middle of the Taos gallery, feeling stunned. The crowd filled the place to overflowing, bodies bumping as people maneuvered from the food table to the bar. Voices bubbled as brightly as the champagne while the track lighting glinted off enough jewelry to stock Tiffany's.
They'd come because of Rick-the beautiful, the rich, and even the famous-not knowing or caring a thing about "Madeline." All that was changing right before her eyes.
"Looks like you sold another one." Christine nodded toward one of the sales staff as he slipped a SOLD tag in the corner of a frame. The couple standing next to him were practically glowing with pride. Glowing. At the thought of owning one of her originals.
She blinked in amazement. "I think I need to do more work."
"Ya think?" Christine smiled at her. "The new pieces really are incredible. The best work you've ever done. I guess if I'm going to buy Sunrise Canyon I'd better move quickly."
"Actually, it's not for sale." Maddy turned toward the piece, which hung in a place of prominence, the focal point of the room. "I've decided to give it to Joe, to hang over the fireplace in the dining hall. It's where it belongs."
It's where I belong.
Looking at the image, as the colors glimmered in the spotlight, she ached to be back at the camp.
Rick slipped up behind her, squeezed her shoulders. "We've sold fifty prints, my dear. Good for you."
After giving her cheek a smacking kiss, he moved on, calling out someone's name. His news left her staggered. Fifty prints in one show. "Wow!"
"Do you need to sit down?" Amy asked.
"No." She laughed, and felt light-headed. "I'm fine."
Christine tilted her head, studying her. "Good thing you decided to deal with that fear of success."
Maddy pressed a hand to her stomach. "Acknowledging it didn't instantly get rid of it."
"You'll get there. In the meantime…" Christine stopped a waiter passing through the crowd with a silver tray of champagne flutes. When they all had one she lifted hers. "Here's to my beautiful, talented, wonderful friend Madeline. I wish you success and joy."
"Me too," Amy said. A bright ping rang as the glasses touched.
"Thank you." Maddy's heart squeezed. "I'm glad both of you could be here for this. I don't think I could have handled the last few days as well without you."
"And that, right there"-Christine tipped her glass-"is what friends are all about."
"Lucky for me I picked two good ones." Maddy smiled at both of them.
"You know what this means, though," Christine said to Amy. "She's completed her challenge to get her work in a gallery."
"Most definitely." Amy looked around. "I guess that means we have to do ours now."
"Yep." Christine smiled flirtatiously as a cute guy walked by, then sighed in disappointment when he lit up and hugged another man. "This is getting depressing. Here we are, all three of us looking exceptionally hot, and every really good-looking guy in sight is gay."
"Well, you two certainly look hot," Amy countered, admiring Christine's ice blue cocktail dress that showed a mile of leg.
"Amy, if anyone looks hot tonight, it's you," Maddy insisted. She'd gone with the long black dress and added a small fortune's worth of silver jewelry on loan from the gallery. Then she'd pressed Amy into borrowing the little red number, and laughed at the wonder on her friend's face when she realized it fit-and looked spectacular on her.
"So"-Christine continued to scan the room over the rim of her champagne flute-"Amy, have you decided where you're going on your challenge?"
"That depends on what nanny jobs come in." Excitement danced into Amy's eyes, which Christine had accented with just the right amount of makeup. "But I've always wanted to go someplace tropical, like the Caribbean."
"Now there's a fabulous idea," Christine said.
"I'm thinking a cruise. As long as I stay on the ship, even I can't get lost."
Maddy narrowed her eyes. "I'm not sure, but I think that might be cheating. What do you say, Christine?"
"Oh my heavenly bodies!" Christine grabbed her arm, staring toward the door. "I swear to God, if this one's gay, I'm giving up on men."
Maddy turned. And felt her heart go still. The noise faded, the lights dimmed as she watched him scan the room. Then his gaze met hers. And he smiled.
"Joe," she whispered, relief and joy welling up inside her.
"Joe?" Christine repeated. Maddy didn't have to see her friend's face to picture the arched brow and look of approval. "Well, my, my. You definitely didn't exaggerate."
He came straight toward her, turning his broad shoulders this way and that to get through the crowd. Her pulse fluttered with hope.
Then he was standing right in front of her. "Hey."
"You came." She wanted desperately to hug him and feel his arm around her, to lay her head against his chest and feel his heart beat against her cheek.
His expression turned sheepish. "I remembered telling you I wouldn't miss it. The Colonel once told me to always be a man of my word."
The ache of missing him grew. "That's good advice for women too."
"So, you're Joe." Christine stepped closer.
"Oh. Sorry." Maddy shook herself. "Joe, these are my friends."
"Let me guess." He turned to the leggy blonde. "Christine Ashton?"
"I see Maddy's been talking about us." She shook his hand, her grip firm and straightforward.
"Nothing but praise, I assure you." He smiled at the pretty brunette, who managed to look both sexy and sweet. "And you must be Amy Baker."
"Yes." Amy took his hand in more of a finger cuddle than a shake. "It's good to meet you."
"Same here."
"You know, Amy"-Christine looped her arm through her friend's-"I'm really dying to take another stroll through the gallery, make sure we saw everything. How about you?"
"Hmm? Oh. Yes, I'd love to."
The two of them moved away, leaving Joe standing there with no buffer between him and Maddy. Nothing to lessen the punch of seeing her. She'd piled her hair up in some outrageously feminine way that accentuated the heart shape of her face.
Staring at her made him ache from the memory of the scene before she'd left and with longing to make things right again.
He glanced down, then back up. "All day I've been dying to talk to you, but… damn, Maddy, you always leave me speechless."
"Maybe that's good, since I have enough to say for both of us."
"Oh?" His heart clutched with fear.
"Would you go for a walk with me. Outside?" She looked so earnest. Panic squeezed his chest.
"Sure." He willed his mind to not race off, second-guessing what was going on inside her head. The time had come to ask her exactly what she meant, and keep asking until he felt certain he un-derstood. Well, as certain as any man could be when trying to understand a woman. And then he'd tell her exactly what he meant, and what he wanted.
They stepped out of the bright, noisy gallery into the quiet night. The streets were deserted, everything closed but the gallery.
Maddy's heart pounded as she led the way across the street to the plaza, a little square in the middle of town. A large gazebo in the style of a bandstand stood in the middle. Wind whipped through the trees as they mounted the steps, and she wrapped her arms around herself.
"Are you cold?"
"No." Scared, she thought as they entered the gazebo. "Joe, I have so much to say, I don't know where to begin. And I'm afraid I'll bungle it by not getting it out right."
"Take your time." He leaned back against the handrail. "Then I get my turn."
Her stomach churned at his words, but she nodded. "First, I want you to know I have been sick with regret the past few days. On the way up here, I realized how much I insulted you. Without even thinking about it, without even stopping to question, I lumped you in with the kind of men who can't handle having a wife who makes more money than them. So I set about sabotaging my own success."
"
Yeah, you did."
"I'm so sorry. In hindsight, I can see that that was an insult to both your self-confidence as a man and your camp. The latter because we don't know how well it will do." That thought gave her a hope she hadn't even considered. "For all we know, it could become hugely successful, and you'll make lots of money."
"Maddy." He fixed her with a look before she could carry that thought too far. "You're doing it again."
"I'm sorry." Her shoulders sagged. "This is very uncomfortable territory for me."
"Can I ask you something? Because I really need to know. Will you think less of me as a man if I make less money than you?"
"No! Good God, no."
"Then… why do you think I will?"
"I don't up here." She tapped her forehead, then placed her hand over her stomach. "But in here, that's how I was raised. That's hard to fight. You don't erase the teachings of a lifetime just by realizing that those teachings are faulty. I didn't even realize how much of that had sunk in or how deeply. So I can't promise some of this won't pop up again in the future. I can only promise to work on it. If you'll let me. Please, Joe, I'm sorry I insulted you, and I don't want to lose you."
"Oh, Maddy." He cupped her face. "Now, see, that look right there, that fear in your eyes, is why I need to apologize to you. I broke one of the biggest rules of loving someone. I didn't tell you."
She bit her lip, wondering if he was telling her now.
"I was so wrapped up with my conviction that actions mean more than words that I forgot the words are still important. And powerful. I had people say they cared for me on a whim. Say they'd be there for me, then vanish. Say they loved me when they didn't."
"I did-"
"Shh." His thumb moved over her lips. "I'm not accusing you of anything. I think maybe you did love me back then, but you weren't ready for it yet. That's not what I'm talking about, though. I'm talking about the words themselves. Do you know what a kick in the chest it was the very first time I actually believed Mama when she said 'I love you'? What a punch in the gut it was every single time the Colonel said it, and I believed it. God, there is nothing-nothing-in this world that beats that."
Almost Perfect Page 22