“So shoot me for not wanting to be conned into claiming a kid that isn’t mine. But if this is my baby, there’s no way I’m going to abandon it.”
“Fine. You seem to have all the answers. What do you suggest we do?” Allie shifted on the futon and tried to hide her exasperation.
“Well, for starters, we come clean. We tell your brother the truth.”
“No!” She jumped to her feet. Jumped being a relative term.
“I’m can’t lie to my best friend, Allie.” He stood up, too.
“Fine,” she said. “You go tell my brother that you may have knocked me up, but you won’t be sure until you get a paternity test, because you’re pretty sure I indulge in casual sex with too many men to be clear about it. And then go back into a combat zone with him. I dare you.”
A look of worry shadowed his face. It was only there for a second, but she knew she had him.
“Adam will be pissed. There’s no getting around that.”
“Adam will be furious,” she corrected.
“But he’s a good soldier and a great friend. He’ll get over it.”
“Yeah, right after he kills you.”
He shook his head. “I have to tell him.”
“Uh-uh, mister. This is my baby, my brother, my life, and my house you’re standing in right now. We’re doing this my way, Logan.”
“It’s our baby,” he said softly.
“What happens when you get sent to your next base? What happens when you have to move halfway across the country or across the world and our baby doesn’t get to see you anymore? You might not abandon this baby on purpose, but we both know in the long run, that’s exactly what would happen. I don’t want my child to have to face that kind of heartbreak.” And she didn’t want to face it herself.
He sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. His eyes were dark and sad and Allie felt guilty for causing it. “People make it work. We could make it work.”
“We?” She almost laughed at the word. “How?”
“We could get married.”
The baby kicked hard. Allie sank onto the futon again, because her knees sort of gave out at Logan’s words. “I thought you were going to stop saying stupid things?” She sat there stunned, one hand on her belly.
“It’s not stupid. It’s a good idea. Maybe the only idea. You’re a self-employed photographer, right?”
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, that doesn’t really come with a guaranteed income, does it? Do you have health insurance? Maternity leave?”
“I buy my own insurance, and I have some money saved. I’ll make it work.” Honestly, her savings were pretty small, and her health premiums were breaking the bank and would go higher once the baby came. It had been something she’d been worried about for a while, but it was hardly a reason to chain herself to someone for life.
“If we got married, you would have all that. You’d have a housing allowance to help pay your mortgage, and insurance for you and the baby. Are you really prepared to do this on your own?”
If she was honest with herself, she wasn’t. She was absolutely terrified. Who wouldn't be? She was the family screw-up. She was the one who dropped out of college. She was the one who failed chemistry twice and only passed the third time because she was dating her TA. She was the one who always, always had to be bailed out of tough situations.
No. That was the old me. I’m not that kid anymore and I haven’t been in a long time.
She didn't want to be bailed out this time. She wanted to do this on her own. For her child. “Are you really prepared to give up life as you know it and become a family man?” she asked, because that seemed like the reality check he needed to snap him out of his idiotic suggestion.
A look of terror crossed his face and she said, “That’s what I thought.”
“Do you have a better plan?”
“A better plan than marrying a stranger? Yeah. Anything but that.” Allie closed her eyes. “My plan is the same as it’s been since I realized I was pregnant. I’m going to have a baby and raise it on my own and do whatever it takes to make it work. I see no reason that needs to change just because you showed up. Two weeks from now, you’ll go back to Afghanistan and I’ll go back to my life and we’ll pretend this never happened.”
He shook his head slowly. “Whether you marry me or not, I’m not going to walk away from my child.”
“Do you really want the responsibility of raising a baby?” Her tone was sharp, even to her own ears.
“You don’t know me. So don’t act like you do. What were you expecting from me? Relief? Gratitude at being let off the hook?” His tone was icy and the look in his eyes matched it.
“I know more about you than you think,” Allie said. She hadn’t put two and two together. Not until now. Adam had talked about his friend Edwards several times, and none of those conversations made her think that Logan was an aspiring soccer dad. “Adam’s told me all kinds of stories. I just didn't realize they were about you until now. Responsibility and stability don’t seem to be in your nature. You’re too busy charming women into jumping in bed with you.”
“Don't forget that you were one of those women.”
“How could I forget?” She looked down at her belly. “I’m the one living with the consequences.” Her eyes pierced his. She felt like she was playing chicken, and he didn’t look like he was going to back down.
“There are two things I never do. I never walk away from my responsibilities and I never lie to my friends. So yes. Whatever the consequences are, I’m going to face them. So, are we planning a wedding or not?”
“I wouldn’t marry you for all the gold in Fort Knox. I’m definitely not going to do it for health insurance and a housing allowance.” Allie took a deep breath and tried to be logical. “What’s my favorite color?”
Logan looked confused. “I don’t know.”
“What kind of music do I like? What’s my best friend’s name? Which side of the bed do I sleep on? You don’t know anything about me. You have no idea if we’d be compatible.”
“If memory serves, you prefer the left side of the bed, and in that area, we seemed more than compatible.”
Allie blushed. “That’s not enough for a marriage.”
“It’s a start.”
“Military marriages are impossible. Adam and his wife couldn’t make it work, and they were the most perfect couple I’ve ever seen. My sister Angie and her husband—” Allie’s eyes clouded with tears just thinking about it. “They were barely holding it together and then he deployed and didn’t come home, and now she’s raising two kids by herself. Even when you have something amazing to start with, there’s no guarantee. We’d be starting with nothing. I’m not willing to take that chance, and I can’t believe that’s my best option. Not for me and not for my baby.”
Logan’s face was hard as stone. “Our baby, and I can’t think that the best option is for me to abandon my child. I’m not willing to do that. Not ever, and I’m not willing to lie to my best friend, either.”
“You’re both going to be gone for the next three months. What’s the point in telling him now?” She held up both hand, palms up. “You can’t tell him, Logan. I’m not ready for Adam to know.”
If Adam knew, Allie was sure he’d be thinking exactly the same thing that Logan was. He’d be pushing marriage and he’d use guilt. He’d tell her to do it for the baby. It was off the table. She might not know exactly what she wanted out of life for her and her child, but she knew what she didn’t want. She’d always known she would never marry a soldier. She’d said it a thousand times. Never, never, never.
“Then you need to get ready,” Logan said, interrupting her thoguhts. “Adam’s my best friend. I realize that will probably end the second I tell him, but I’m not comfortable staying under the same roof as him and keeping this a secret. Much less spending the next three months with him in the desert, pretending I’m not the guy.”
“God forbid you do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You self-centered short-sighted, morally superior prick.” She wanted to storm out of the room. She was trying to storm out of the room. In her head, she was already slamming the door in his face, but in reality, she was struggling to get off the futon. It would have been funny if she wasn’t ready to rip someone’s head off. Preferably Logan’s.
The hard expression on his face gave way to a tender smile, and he held out a hand to help her up. She slapped it away and pushed herself up to her feet, one side at a time, and straightened slow, holding back the groan of pain pushing up from her back.
“Like I said, I can handle the consequences on my own.” She strode out of the room, barely resisting the urge to slam the door behind her, because Adam would hear it downstairs. Once in the hall, she sagged a little, pressed one hand to the small of her back and rubbed hard. Leaning on the wall, she took a few nice deep breaths. Very unsatisfying way to storm out of an argument.
The spasm in her back eased a little. She was afraid of bringing it on again, so she only tiptoed angrily back to her own room.
She didn’t know how she was going to sleep.
* * *
Chapter Five
* * *
5 Days Before Christmas
Morning sunlight filtered through the curtains, waking Logan from a restless sleep. For a minute, he wasn’t sure where he was. Birds were singing outside the window. The bed was warm and reasonably soft and the smell of bacon filled the air. He sure as hell wasn’t in Afghanistan.
He opened his eyes and reality came crashing in. A heavy weight settled on his chest and for a second, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was in Allie’s house. Allie was pregnant. He’d made a child with his best friend’s sister. He was going to be a father.
He thought back to the conversation he’d had with Allie a few hours earlier and wished he could believe it was just a bad dream. He’d acted like an ass, and then asked her to marry him. Insulted her, then proposed to her.
“God, what was I thinking?”
Allie surprised him though. She did the opposite of what he’d expected and offered him an easy out; a chance to pretend that none of this was happening.
That was exactly what he’d wanted. At least it was, until she’d handed it to him. Then he’d panicked, and proposed in a knee-jerk reaction. Marriage was a terrible idea.
He should probably be relieved she’d said no.
Said no, my ass. She practically ran from the room.
In his mind he saw her again, struggling to get up off that low-slung futon, belly first. She’d smacked his hand when he’d tried to help. She had to rock to one side to get momentum. His lips tried to smile.
He pressed them tight, and realized her rejection stung. Why, he wondered? Her reaction shouldn’t come as a surprise. He’d known his whole life that he would never have a family. His parents gave him up when he was a kid, and he’d bounced around the system. A couple of good foster homes, a couple of really bad ones. He’d made a conscious decision not to get too attached to anyone.
He hadn’t had what you’d call a girlfriend in his entire adult life. He didn’t even really have friends. Not until he’d joined the Army. It had never bothered him, it was more like a condition he knew he had, a part of his DNA. He accepted it as who he was.
But now Allie seemed to think his own kid—their kid—would be better off without him. Pain seemed to radiate from the center of his chest, an area he’d kept cool and dark and quiet all these years. It was swollen and pulsing now.
It hurt knowing she believed that. It hurt even more that part of him agreed with her.
He pushed through the wave of unfamiliar emotions and sank his feet into the sands of logic. Feelings wouldn’t do him any good. He had bigger issues right now than what Allie thought of him.
He had to tell Adam.
The thought made his stomach drop. He wasn’t afraid of Adam, even though the guy had four inches and fifty pounds on him. Logan could handle himself in a fight, but he had no desire to fight his best friend. The captain was the closest thing to family Logan had, the only person he’d allowed to get close.
Dammit, he should’ve known better.
He’d spent most of the car ride yesterday trying to remember every detail of his night with Allie, searching for any way he could have realized she was Adam’s sister. The name had thrown him. Adam always called his sisters Angie and Lexie.
Big Falls, though. That might’ve tipped him off. She’d mentioned Big Falls. But he wasn’t sure if Adam ever had before then.
Still, sleeping with your buddy’s sister was a huge violation of the bro-code. Getting your buddy’s sister pregnant was even worse. Add in the fact that Adam was his C.O. and this was the biggest shit storm Logan could imagine. And he had to clean it up.
That was where his focus ought to be. Not on letting little Allie Wakeland hurt his feelings.
He yawned, still tired. He’d barely last night.
The guest room was also the future nursery. His visit was a surprise to everyone, so he didn’t imagine there had been time to put all the stuff away somewhere else. Allie had apologized when she’d led him into a bedroom full of baby stuff, most of it still in its original packaging. Logan had been hoping he could shut himself in a room, forget his problems and sleep until he came up with a solution, but that was hard to do while he was staring at a boxed-up crib. A crib that his own little boy, or little girl, would sleep in. The front of the box was a full color photo blown up huge, the crib all assembled with the softest looking little baby sleeping inside.
Something swelled in his chest again.
He sighed, threw his legs over the edge of the futon, and thought about Allie. After their fight, she’d gone back to her room, but she hadn’t slept, either. Logan had heard her moving around, through the thin bedroom wall.
He had been angry at first, at the situation he thought he didn’t want, and then at her for wanting to do it without him. The anger had been good. It made him feel like he could get through this. He was used to existing in a continuous state of Logan-against-the-world. He was used to fighting. He tried to hold onto his anger, tried to be glad she couldn’t sleep. But he couldn’t quite manage it.
Then after a while, he’d heard something else. No more pacing. She was crying, and he knew it was his fault. No matter how shocked and how angry he’d been, that didn’t give him the right to make things harder on her. Geeze, she was carrying his kid. What was the matter with him?
He should go to her, he thought.
No, he shouldn’t. She was angry, and every time he opened his mouth, he made her angrier. He needed to give her some space.
He grabbed his bag from where it lay on the floor, next to a box with a space-aged container and the words Diaper Genie across the front. What the hell was a Diaper Genie? He pictured Barbara Eden nodding her head and making a dirty diaper disappear in a poof of pink smoke.
He looked around at all the contraptions and equipment. How could he be a father? He didn’t even know what most of this stuff was.
He picked up a tiny shirt that resembled a straightjacket. The shirt wrapped around and snapped on the sides and the sleeves folded over on the ends to form mittens. He had no idea why a baby would need mittens.
Her due date was tomorrow.
She said there were no signs yet, but still, he didn’t have very long to get used to the idea. Much less bone up on baby-care.
He should get going on that.
But first he had to tell Adam. God, it made him sick to his stomach to think about that. Maybe he could wait until after the paternity test.
“You’re an idiot, Logan,” he whispered. He didn’t need a paternity test. In his heart, he knew that. Allie didn’t want his help. She had no reason to lie to him, nothing to gain. Besides, her eyes didn’t lie. He never should’ve said the things he had to her.
None of this was easy or fair. Not to either of them.
; He sighed and laid the baby straightjacket back in the box of clothes, wishing he had trusted his better judgment and stayed in Afghanistan. But there was no point feeling sorry for himself. This was a new day. He was who he was. He had to do the right thing. He had to tell Adam.
Logan got dressed. When he opened the bedroom door, the sounds of voices floated up from downstairs, along with the smells of bacon and fresh coffee. He walked down the stairs into the brightly-lit living room. A little girl with curly blond hair and chubby legs was running unsteadily, chased by a little boy who looked about six or seven. Toys were strewn around the floor at their feet. The little girl tripped over a teddy bear and landed on her face. Before Logan could react, the little boy was picking her up and setting her back on her feet, and without missing a beat, she giggled and took off running again.
He felt out of place. Allie’s house was full of noise and people and laughter.
The living room opened into a small dining room. The kitchen was on the other side of a wide island. Adam was sitting at the dining room table with two people who must be his parents. The man looked like an older version of Adam, except that his build was smaller and his face was narrower. He had the same wide brown eyes, though.
Allie had those eyes. All dark brown like melting chocolate.
The woman at the table didn’t resemble either of her children. She had a tiny frame, dyed-red hair in a big curly mop, and bright blue eyes that beamed with love as she gazed at Adam, who sat in the chair beside hers. She had one tiny hand over his bigger one on the table and she was telling him what sounded like local gossip he’d missed. Two of the McIntyre boys had apparently got married. One had a little girl, and the other a newborn, and someone named Vidalia was over the moon with joy about her newest grandbabies.
Logan moved through the place like a ghost who didn’t belong. Allie stood at the kitchen range talking to another woman. She glanced his way when he walked into the room. Her gaze was so cold it almost froze him in his tracks. He shouldn’t have been so harsh last night. He didn't want her to be his enemy.
Baby By Christmas (The McIntyre Men Book 5) Page 5