“I can’t leave the circus, Nick. You know that.” She was always honest with him.
“We will one day. I want a better life for my boys, and you and our children, than I can give you there. I don’t want you on the high wire for the rest of your life,” or at all, he almost said. “We’ll know when it’s the right time, Christianna. I can’t afford it yet anyway. But I hope that one day I will, and I want you to come with me. I know this is the place. I knew it the minute I heard about it.” It was the first thing he’d seen that made up for the country he had lost. He could easily imagine a life here one day, with her. And he wouldn’t leave the circus until she was ready to go with him. He felt like he’d come home as he looked out over the valley from their vantage point, and he put an arm around her just as the sun disappeared behind the hills, and then he kissed her, and they got in the car and went back toward their hotel.
He took her out to dinner that night at an Italian restaurant. They laughed and talked, and she told him about growing up in the circus and wanting to be a clown, which made him laugh.
“You would have made a beautiful clown.” He chuckled. “I’m afraid that’s what Lucas wants to be now too. Toby says he wants to be a vet, for horses, which isn’t a bad idea. We could use a vet if we’re going to have a ranch one day.” He spoke of it as though it were a reality, and she looked at him with worried eyes.
“You’re serious about that, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am.” She could see that he was.
“What if I can’t go with you?” she asked in a sad whisper that touched his heart.
“Then I’ll have to kidnap you. I know it will be the right thing for us,” he said quietly, but she couldn’t imagine leaving everything she knew.
“I’ve never been anywhere but the circus. I don’t know any other life.” Her eyes were huge as she said it to him, and he could see that she was scared. He reached across the table and took her delicate hand in his own.
“I want to share my life with you, Christianna. I can’t give you the life I left behind in Germany, but I think I can give you a good one here one day, when we’re both ready. A happy life for us and our children.” It was the second time he had referred to their children that day, and she smiled as he said it.
“It’s what I want too,” she said softly. “I just don’t know how to get there.” Her family would be a major obstacle to overcome. They would fight her every inch of the way if she tried to leave with him, and he knew that too.
“We’ll find a way. Together. I’m here with you.” She nodded, and he lifted her fingers to his lips and kissed them. “Don’t worry. It will be fine.”
“I hope that’s true.” She wanted a life together as much as he did, but she couldn’t imagine it away from the circus, and he could.
“It is true,” he said quietly. And then he paid for their dinner, and they left the restaurant and went back to their hotel and made love again. It was the most perfect night of her life, and when she woke next to him in the morning, he was smiling at her. He had been watching her for hours as she slept peacefully.
They spent the day exploring the area, and talking about his imaginary ranch and where it would be. They went wading in a stream, and lay under a tree together until they fell asleep. They bought sandwiches and had a picnic, and they went back to the bluff and watched the sunset again, and they brought dinner back to their room that night. He wanted to savor every minute they had together, and then they talked about what they would do when they went back. She said her brothers would kill her if they knew she had spent these two nights with him. And Nick had been as careful as he could be not to get her pregnant. He didn’t want anything to go wrong for them.
“I want you to get to know my family,” she said softly. “Maybe you could come to dinner with them, with the boys.”
“I’ll do anything you want, Christianna.” He kissed her and looked at her seriously. “I’m here to stay, if you want me.”
“I do,” she whispered, and she believed him. And in all her beauty, with her lovely body lying naked across their bed, she looked like a fairy who had floated into his life like a dream.
“I want to go away with you again whenever we can,” he said quietly. It had been perfection for both of them. And they knew that when they went back to the circus, they’d have to be discreet. There was always so much gossip about who was sleeping with whom, Nick didn’t want them to be part of it, and he wanted to protect Christianna in every way.
He made love to her again that night before they went to sleep, and in the morning when they got up, and then slowly they got ready to leave the room that had been their honeymoon suite, without benefit of papers or a ring, but the feelings they shared were the same. And when they left the little inn, they both knew that they had formed a bond that would carry them through everything, whatever they needed it to. No one and nothing could come between them now. She felt entirely his.
On the way back to Santa Barbara, they talked again about his getting to know her family. She wanted her brothers to like him, and her father and aunt. It would make things easier for her.
“How do they feel about your performing with me now?” He knew they had been unhappy about it in the beginning, but she was so good at it that he hoped they had calmed down.
“They still think I should only do the high wire. They think horses are dangerous, and they’re afraid I might get hurt.” She smiled as she said it, aware of the irony, and Nick laughed.
“But the high wire without a net is fine. Oh God,” he said ruefully, as she smiled and leaned over to kiss him.
“I’m going to miss you tonight,” she said sadly. It had been so wonderful to wake up next to him for two days.
“Maybe we can work things out,” he said hopefully, “not every night, but whenever we can. I’ll figure out something with the boys. And we can go away again. If we get a night off, we can disappear somewhere.” It wasn’t going to be easy, but they were both determined to try.
They were sad when they saw the Santa Barbara fairground come into view. It had been such a wonderful two days. She smiled as she looked at him. She felt like a woman now, not just a girl, and he was her man.
She told him to drop her off as far from her trailer as possible, and she would make her way back on her own. She didn’t want to run into her brothers on the way back, or worse, see them while she was with Nick. And he had to return the car to the clown.
“I think our chariot is about to turn into a pumpkin,” Nick said, laughing, as he stopped some distance from a group of trailers that neither of them recognized. She wanted to stop in and see the Ukrainian girls to match up their stories.
“I think our chariot turned into a pumpkin before we left,” Christianna said, and laughed too. It had been a ridiculous car for their romantic vacation, but it had gotten them where they were going.
“I used to have a very fancy car,” he told her, somewhat nostalgically. “I never thought I’d go on the most romantic holiday of my life, with the most beautiful woman in the world, in a clown car.” They both chuckled at that, and she kissed him and then reluctantly got out of the car with her bag.
“I’ll see you in a little while,” she said softly. They had a performance together that night. “Thank you for everything. I had a wonderful time.”
“So did I.” He smiled at her from across the car. “The first of many,” he promised. “See you tonight.” And then he added for good measure, “Say hi to the Ukrainians, and thank them from me.”
“I’ll be sure not to do that,” she said, grinning. She didn’t want anyone to know who she’d been with, and had no intention of telling them, although they had been curious when she asked for their help. The age difference between her and Nick would throw everyone off the scent, for now at least. And they’d been extremely discreet, so her family wouldn’t know. She set off on foot toward the Ukrainian girls’ trailer, across the fairground, to see if they were back.
When she go
t there, they had just returned from L.A. themselves, and were getting ready for rehearsal.
“Did you have a good time?” one of them asked her with a sly wink, which Christianna ignored.
“Yes, thanks,” Christianna said blithely, and thanked them again, and left. And it worked out perfectly, she was just leaving their trailer with her suitcase when she ran into her oldest brother. He didn’t even look suspicious when he asked how her trip was. It had never occurred to him that she’d go on a romantic weekend.
“We had fun,” she said as she smiled innocently.
“I don’t know how you stand those girls,” Peter said, lowering his voice so they didn’t hear him through their open windows. “They’re so loud. Did you all get drunk?” He teased her. He knew they drank a lot, too, when they weren’t working. Most of the Russians did, cheap vodka, but her brothers often did, too, so he was in no position to talk.
“Of course not,” she answered demurely. And he obviously didn’t see anything different about her, since he didn’t accuse her of being with a man. But she felt as though she had come back a changed woman, and as though everyone could see how happy and in love she was. But Peter said nothing. “Did you and the boys go to Las Vegas?” she asked. They’d been talking about it before she left.
“No, I wasn’t in the mood, so we stayed here.”
“That’s too bad.”
“We’ll be there anyway in a few days. We can gamble anytime.” The casinos in Vegas stayed open twenty-four hours a day. They went on tour every year, and most of the cast loved it. This would be the first time she was old enough to go to the casino, but she didn’t really care except to see it. Drinking and gambling were her brothers’ favorite pastimes, not hers. And chasing women.
She made her way to her own trailer then, and her aunt and sister were in the living room when she got there. Her aunt was talking about the news she’d heard that day of how badly things were going in Europe, but her sister Mina made no comment. She was used to their aunt rattling on endlessly, always with bad news. None of them paid any attention to her. She always had some catastrophe to announce. Christianna said hello to them both and then went to shower. They didn’t have rehearsal that day, and she didn’t have to be ready until her performance with Nick and his Lipizzaners. She could hardly wait to see him again.
“I don’t know why you bother with those horses!” her aunt shouted after her. “No one cares about horses!” It was the opinion of her entire family, but John North had asked her to do it, and they couldn’t argue with it.
“Some people do,” Christianna called back, as she undressed in the tiny room she shared with her sister. She was acutely aware, as she stood in her underwear, that only hours before she’d been making love with Nick, and wished she still were. She just hoped that she hadn’t gotten pregnant. He had assured her he was careful. She wasn’t entirely sure how he’d done that. She knew several girls who’d had to have abortions, and she knew that they were dangerous and painful. Two years before, one girl went to a bad abortionist in New Jersey, while they were on tour, and died three days later of an infection. Her aunt had told her that would happen if you had sex with a man before you were married. It had terrified Christianna. But everything was different with Nick. Her two days with him had been perfect.
They had a light dinner that night in the trailer, before she had to be at the big top to meet Nick. She took particular care that night to wear a new white leotard and tutu, with silver sparkles on it, and she dusted a few into her hair from the box where she kept her makeup, so they would shimmer in the spotlight. She had her hair wrapped in a tight bun, and was wearing white satin ballet shoes. She wanted to look perfect for him tonight. It was their first performance together since their honeymoon in Santa Ynez.
And in his trailer, Nick put on his best tailcoat, and a white piqué shirt that had been made for him in Paris, and his favorite top hat. And he wore diamond studs in his white vest that he had brought from Germany and never wore while he performed. He hadn’t worn them since the ship coming over. He shaved extra carefully before he dressed, put on cologne, and shined his boots, as he always did. He looked impeccable when he left to saddle Pegasus and Athena. Toby was already there, and had exercised all the horses that afternoon. And Katja was with him in the horse tent. Whenever possible, she went everywhere with him, and he seemed to like it. He was as crazy about her as he had been when they first met. And Lucas made fun of him often. He was with Rosie just as much, but they were just friends, at their age. By now, Toby and Katja were boyfriend and girlfriend, and both had just turned sixteen. She was dressed for work that night too. She was going to be in the trapeze act with her father and his brothers, while her mother performed on the high wire. Nick chatted amiably with the two young people, as he checked the horses and found everything in good order, and Pegasus in high spirits. He looked as though he couldn’t wait to start.
“Where did you go?” Toby asked him with interest. His father had never left them before, since they’d come to the circus. Toby didn’t mind, since he got to spend even more time with Katja and her parents, which suited him just fine.
“Santa Ynez,” Nick responded, sounding relaxed. “It’s beautiful country, great for horses. I’d love to have a ranch there one day.” Toby nodded. “Maybe one day,” Nick said as he got into the saddle on Pegasus, trying to settle him down. He was high-spirited tonight, as though he knew something was different. Like Christianna, Nick felt like a new man. He had come alive in Christianna’s arms.
A little while later, Toby and Nick left for the tent. And as they walked the two Lipizzaners, and led the Arabians, Katja followed at a safe distance, so none of the horses could kick her if they reared. She had learned that the Arabians did it often. The Lipizzaners were better behaved. And once they got to the tent, Nick and Toby were busy, getting their horses ready for the show. Christianna met them there, she was already waiting, and right before they went on, Nick lifted her into the saddle. She flew into it easily, and put her feet into the stirrups he kept short for her, and a few minutes later, the spotlight was on them. She and Nick looked magnificent, and everyone agreed, it was the best show they’d done so far. And the audience cheered them loudly when they were finished. They had moved with total precision that night, without a flaw. It was as though they moved as one body now, and Pegasus and Athena seemed to be part of their new bond as well. Christianna and Nick had galloped through the finale holding hands. They really did look like royalty that night, and the costume mistress had given her a little rhinestone tiara that glittered like Nick’s diamond studs. They were by far the most elegant couple in the show.
Nick went to tie up the horses outside the tent, and Toby helped him. And Nick had plenty of time for a cigarette and to relax for a while after their show, before he heard Christianna’s music start, and he walked back into the tent just as she scampered up the rope to the high wire. She got onto her platform with her usual grace, and her act began as Nick stared upward, as always now, with his heart in his mouth. He was careful to stay out of the spotlight and out of her brothers’ way. He could see her father in the distance, watching her, as she glided through her routine with more than her usual grace. And she was beaming as she took the first turn, changing directions on the wire, and when she switched back, he saw her nearly stumble, and the crowd gasped and so did he. His eyes never left her for an instant, and he wanted to reach out and catch her if she fell, but she regained her poise and her balance instantly, and a moment later she was at the other side, and made the small leap to her platform. Nick felt almost faint with relief when she did. He couldn’t imagine a lifetime of watching her like this, fearing for her life every night. It would have to change one day, but not yet. He knew it was too soon, but he could hardly wait to get her off the high wire for good, whatever it took.
She was down the rope a moment later, to thunderous applause, and smiled as she flew past him, with her brothers following her closely. Nick went backs
tage after that, but didn’t see her. And he hated the fact that the crowd loved knowing that she could fall at any instant, but didn’t. The extreme risk she took was what thrilled them, and nearly drove him insane. It rattled him to his core every time.
And the next time he saw her, she was astride the elephant she always rode in the finale. She looked like a perfect white elf covered in silvery fairy dust, as she stood on the elephant and held the handle on its saddle, as Nick rode by on his stallion. He stopped for a moment, held a hand out to her, and she leaned toward him and touched it, and then blew the crowd a kiss. They loved it and ate it up as Nick rode alongside for longer than usual and then cantered away, as Toby followed on Athena. The two Lipizzaners were a spectacular sight. The show was over minutes later, and he caught a moment alone with her before she left. Her brothers were waiting outside.
“You almost fell tonight,” he said severely, with a look of agony in his eyes. “I saw it, you stumbled.”
“I was distracted,” she said apologetically. “I caught it very quickly.”
“And if you hadn’t?” He questioned her, his eyes never leaving hers for a second.
“I would die,” she admitted, aware of the pain in his eyes.
“No, I would,” he said softly. “Don’t forget that.”
She nodded, and quickly so no one could see it, he touched her hand, and then kissed it. “I love you,” he whispered to her.
“I love you too,” she whispered back, and was gone.
Chapter 13
After Santa Barbara, they went to Solvang, a funny little town modeled on a Dutch village, with windmills, and from there they went east to Las Vegas, which the crew always enjoyed. They only had one night there, so they had very little time to gamble, but they managed, and went to the casinos before and after the shows. They had a matinee to do as well.
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