by Loomis, Lisa
I laughed just as I caught the sparkle in his eyes.
“You can forgo the wannabe-cowboy look tonight, you look fine.”
I turned to leave, the butterflies in my stomach just starting to awaken.
“My turn in the shower. Enjoy the fire while I’m gone. I’ll just be a minute.”
“A minute and girl don’t go together,” he grinned.
“You obviously haven’t been around fast girls,” I teased.
I showered quicker than usual and only partially blew my hair dry. For some reason tonight, I wanted Ryan to notice me. I applied some mascara and dabbed on some lip color. Once satisfied with my looks I went to my bedroom and threw on a pair of jeans and a pink, long-sleeved T-shirt with a scoop neck—I didn’t want to make it too obvious that I was making an effort. I took another quick look in the bathroom mirror and decided I looked good for a girl who had partied all day. Ryan usually seemed immune to me, as far as being attracted to me. Maybe I could change that tonight.
“Ta-da,” I said, coming back into the living room.
He was putting several logs on the fire and I noticed he’d filled both our wine glasses. He glanced up at me and smiled.
“You are fast,” he said, “for a girl.”
“Screw you,” I said playfully. “Start the barbeque, I’m ready to grill, although we will need it to burn down some, should be perfect timing for the potatoes.”
“A girl who grills too?” he said, sounding surprised.
“Ryan, you better shut it, or I’ll throw you out before dinner,” I teased.
“Okay, okay, I’m lighting the grill,” he said, his hands up as if in defense.
He grabbed the matches on the counter and headed out back. I watched through the window as he lit the briquettes. The initial flare of fire illuminated his face and again I wondered why he looked so good to me tonight. Ryan was helpful with getting plates out and the food on the table.
“Well here’s to a great ski season,” he said raising his wine glass.
“Yes,” I smiled. “A great ski season.”
I could tell Ryan was pleased with the dinner. I figured he probably didn’t do a lot of home cooking. After we finished, we moved back to the living room by the fire. Again he went to the fireplace and poked up the fire, putting more wood on. He was so different from Max, so seemingly comfortable with himself. When he came back to the couch, he sat down and started massaging my back.
“Oh, that feels good,” I moaned.
His fingers worked into the muscles in my shoulders and neck, down my back, and then my arms and up again. I was feeling very relaxed between the hot tub, dinner, and the wine. When the phone rang is startled me and I jumped. Ryan stopped massaging as I leaned over to answer it.
“Morgan, it’s Pat,” came through the other end.
Ryan watched me as I listened to Pat and then hung up the receiver.
“Shit, Pat’s bringing a group home to hot tub,” I said displeased he was going to ruin my nice evening. “It’s going to be a party.”
My mind raced trying to figure out a solution to keep the mood going with lots of people descending upon us.
“Ryan, do you want to hang down here, or we could go up to my bedroom where we can still talk?” I suggested hesitantly.
Ryan smiled at me and I could see the relief in his eyes.
“Your bedroom. I don’t need a party,” Ryan said.
“I agree. I’m not up for more craziness, had enough already,” I said as I got up off the couch and took the dishes from the table to the sink and ran water on them. I left my unfinished steak on the counter. Someone would finish it.
“Ryan, grab that other bottle of wine,” I said as I closed the screen on the fireplace.
Ryan went to the kitchen and opened the second bottle. I picked up our glasses up from the coffee table and waited in the doorway for him to finish. He put the cork back in part way as he looked up at me. I motioned with my head down the hall. I was sure he knew where my bedroom was; it was the one next to the bathroom where he’d showered. The white bedspread with red cherries on it should have made it obvious. As I shut the bedroom door, I heard Pat’s car in the driveway.
Ryan walked over and sat down on the bed, setting the bottle on my nightstand. I handed him his glass of wine. We sat in silence and listened while more cars arrived. The group that Pat had invited came noisily into the house: the door slammed, glasses clinked, cabinets opened and shut, music turned on, then up. I heard someone get into the linen closet in the hall, getting towels. Finally the party moved outside to the hot tub.
“Pat and some of the others will know it’s me by the van,” Ryan said. “Are you worried about that?”
“No. Everyone knows we’re friends. I don’t really care what they think,” I said.
As we talked, Ryan tried to help me sort out my feelings of dread. He asked more about Mathew and Max and made some valid points. We pushed the pillows against the headboard and got more comfortable on the bed. While we talked I kept noticing his lips and had the urge to kiss him. Since Ryan had not been to keen on me dating other guys with Max still in the picture I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be open to my kiss. He rolled onto his side at one point resting his head in his hand, and in doing so he moved closer to me. I could smell the Irish Spring soap from our shower on him.
“Ryan,” I breathed.
He leaned forward and kissed me gently, his lips soft on mine. He pulled back slightly then and I looked into his eyes, not saying a word. He searched my eyes for a response, and I hoped he could see the desire. The butterflies were in full flight as I sucked in my breath. Apparently seeing what he needed to he kissed me softly several times. He ran his tongue lightly across my lips before he slowly probed his tongue into my mouth. I closed my eyes as his kiss sent a shiver through me.
Ryan slipped his fingers up into my hair at the base of my neck and pulled me towards him as I sought his tongue with mine. Circling, teasing, probing, I edged my body closer to his and ran my hand down his arm, caressing his muscles. He kissed me deeper as his arms encircled me.
“Oh, Ryan,” I moaned.
I slid my hand under his turtleneck, caressing his chest and around to his back. His skin was warm and smooth. I arched my body into his, grinding slowly against his crotch. I could feel the yearning between my legs as I felt his hard cock press into me through his long johns. Ryan slowly ran his hand down my back and up under my shirt. He cupped his hand over my breast. I wanted to rip the clothes from his body.
I rolled away from him and got up off the bed. I could see the longing in his eyes as I walked towards the door and turned off the ceiling light.
“That’s better,” I said.
Moonlight filtered in through the window, enough for me to see him. He smiled seductively at me, one that said get back here. I peeled off my shirt and undid my bra, letting it fall to the floor. I let Ryan take a good look before I slid out of my jeans. I figured I looked pretty good naked in the moonlight. Ryan sat up and pulled his turtleneck off.
“Now the rest,” I whispered.
I crawled back onto the bed while he wiggled out of his long johns. Seeing him completely naked on my bed made me shiver in anticipation. It’s been way too long. I lay down beside him and took his erection into my hand. He ran his finger around my lips and then kissed them, sucking on my lower lip gently. I could feel the desire building, building in a way that surprised me. A kind of craving I hadn’t felt in a long time. Ryan kissed down my neck, down my body, to my breasts. He massaged them gently then he took one of my nipples in his mouth and sucked it, teasing with his tongue. I pushed one of his hands lower wanting more. He pressed his palm firmly on my crotch before he pushed his fingers into me.
“Ah,” I moaned as he made a circular motion inside me.
I was completely wet, could feel his fingers slide easily in and out of me. I wanted him to fuck me, wanted to say it to him, but was afraid it might be too strong.
“Ryan,” I whispered, gripping his biceps.
I pulled his face up to mine. He kissed me hungrily as I pulled him onto me, spreading my legs. Ryan guided his cock into me then pushing in and out, in, ah, and out. My body was begging for faster, although my mind wanted to savor it. Our bodies melted into one, and he was able to take me far away from my worries about what was to come. He was able to take me to a place where he and I alone existed, the pleasure wiping out any of my other thoughts. A raspy groan escaped his lips as our bodies shuddered in orgasm.
He lay spent on top me as I ran my hand down his back, and over his ass. A very nice ass indeed. I listened as his breathing slowed. I inched out from under him and settled myself into the crook of his arm, my face partially on his chest. With his free hand he played with my hair. I felt safe and warm and relaxed, and I drifted off to sleep. I woke up some time in the night and went downstairs for water. When I crawled back into bed, Ryan pulled me to him again, holding me.
“You all right?” he whispered.
“Yes, I brought water.”
It was nice cuddling with him, we’d spooned through the night, and I was relieved he’d stayed. I lay awake in his arms, thinking about our evening. When I’d volunteered to cook, it was to reciprocate for the nice things he’d done for me. I hadn’t anticipated this was how the evening would end. We’d eased into the whole thing, so comfortably that it shocked me. It was like we both were in need of a human connection for different reasons, but it worked.
Ryan hadn’t expressed this kind of interest in me before and I wondered what had changed tonight, how now he felt it was okay to be with me. It tore at my heart, my muddled feelings, Mathew memories, not understanding Max’s desperation, and then Ryan, my friend, who I’d just fallen lustfully into bed with. It was terribly confusing and fucked up. I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about what Mom said about Ryan. Maybe he did have a special sparkle in his eye for me that I hadn’t noticed.
Chapter 10
We were up and showered before anyone else in the house was awake. The smell of stale beer and cigarettes lingered in the air. When we left, I could see some of Pat’s friends were asleep on the couches, and the house was a mess. The sun was bright as we slipped out the front door into the cool morning air. I pulled my sunglasses off the top of my head and put them on.
“Big party, he’s obviously kicking up his heels with good byes,” I said climbing into his van.
“He’s pretty good at kicking up his heels over anything,” Ryan said.
“True,” I confirmed.
I was sure Pat would question why Ryan’s van was at the house. On the way to get my car I thought about how I would explain it.
“You have time for breakfast?” Ryan asked.
“Sure, I’ve got all the time in the world now.”
Ryan took me to Mount Air Café, a diner that had been around forever. It made me smile inwardly; it was so Ryan, the small town boy, old time diner. I sat picking at my undercooked eggs feeling awkward while Ryan ate his pancakes. I felt like I needed to explain myself. How I could crawl into bed with him when we both knew I was going back to Max.
“Ryan, about last night…” I started.
He looked into my eyes and there was a hint of tenderness in his.
“Morgan. It’s okay. I don’t expect anything; I know your situation. It just happened. Neither of us planned on it. End of the season insanity, we’ll call it,” he said and put another bite in his mouth.
I watched him chew. Is that all he thought it was?
“You’re okay with that?” I asked.
A wave of disappointment washed over me. Why did I want it to be more than that?
“Yeah, are you?” he asked.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I rushed out. “End of the season insanity.”
He seemed so casual about it. I wondered if he was like that with every girl he had incredible sex with. If it was really that easy for him to chalk it up to nothingness, no big deal. What did I expect from him? I was the one leaving, the one going back to a boyfriend I wasn’t sure about. He’d listened to my doubts and fears, knew my feelings were tangled. Why would he want to involve himself with a girl who was so uncertain? Yeah, I’d dated other guys, even fooled around a little, but no one that I’d fallen into bed with. No one that I’d felt a connection like I had with Ryan.
“Can we ski together again before I leave?” I asked, not wanting our time together to end.
“I’m around. You’re the one packing up. Call me when you have time,” he answered.
He dropped me back at the resort, giving me a quick hug in the underground parking and then he was gone. I drove back home, wondering what the hell happened, feeling stupid for having let it go so far. I felt lonely and disconnected from life, and he had made me feel connected to something even if only briefly. Pulling into my driveway I stared at the brown wood sided duplex. I remembered the day Ryan had brought me here and I’d signed the lease, recalled how excited I’d been. As I walked up the path to the door I could see that the aspen trees out back were starting to bud.
Pat was sitting on the couch. His friends were gone, but the place still smelled and he hadn’t cleaned up. I left the front door open to let in some fresh air.
“You and Ryan?” Pat asked with a smirk. “What the fuck, sis?”
He was already drinking a beer I noticed, kicking up his heels for morning I guessed. I flopped down on the couch next to him.
“Shut up. We did Clown Day, we got a little loaded, did a hot tub and dinner,” I said.
He cocked his head and gave me a look that implied he knew there was more.
“And breakfast apparently,” he teased.
“He had to take me back to my car at the resort,” I mock defended.
Pat laughed long and heartily.
“I’ll definitely have to start calling you something other than Miss Goody Two Shoes. You’re starting to give her a bad rap,” he said.
I reached out and slapped his arm.
“No, no, I think it’s a good thing,” he said pulling away.
I grabbed a pillow and hit him with it and he laughed.
“Ever since you hit that pole and bumped your head, seems you’re striving to put yourself in my league,” he teased.
“Screw you,” I said jokingly.
Pat had always been the one not to follow the rules. He lived by his own compass, which was directionally challenged most of the time. He was the baby of the family, and Mom had done just that, baby him. Pat was a true partier. He had no trouble keeping it going. Work was a means to a party, and I quit trying to keep up with him long ago.
“So what’s with Ryan?” he asked.
“There’s nothing with Ryan, a one-nighter. He tried to talk me out of my funk; he’s a good listener and logical.”
“And you’re anything but right now,” Pat said.
I crossed my arms and sunk back into the couch with a sigh.
“Ryan asked about Mathew and Max, and that just threw more emotion into the pot. Trying to de-layer my feelings isn’t easy.”
“No sis, never is.”
Pat got up and went to the refrigerator in the kitchen for another beer.
“Surprised there’s any left,” I semi-scolded.
“A couple,” he chuckled.
“He asked me to call him to go skiing before I left. If we’re lucky, we can pretend it didn’t happen and still be friends,” I said.
“Yeah?” he asked seriously.
“Yeah,” I said, more sure than I felt. “And keep your mouth shut about it. Nothing happened.”
I called Ryan several times in the next few days. I got his home machine and left messages: “let’s ski, call me”. I missed him suddenly, missed talking to him. I wanted to make sure everything between us was okay; that what happened hadn’t ruined our friendship. That what he said at breakfast was really what he meant.
“Pat, he hasn’t called me back yet,” I said.
We
were soaking in the hot tub. The wind was blowing causing my hair to fly this way and that. The air was no longer the biting cold it could be. Much of the snow around the house had melted, leaving patches here and there of dirty, crusty snow swimming in a sea of mud. It was no longer the winter wonderland. A thick cloud cover made the sky dark and gloomy, which didn’t help my mood. Even the weather seemed to be depressed.
“Who cares? You leave next week to go back home, back to Max,” he said pushing himself up onto the side to cool.
“Don’t remind me,” I said disheartened.
“I am reminding you, Morgan. This is a choice. If you don’t want to go, don’t,” Pat said seriously. “If you want to go, but not get back with Max, that’s a choice too.”
“I know it’s a choice Pat,” I said frustrated. “He wants me back though and I feel like I should try. It was good once.”
He thought my decision to try and work it out with Max was foolish. He wasn’t a big fan of his wanting to control me. I wasn’t sure about my own reasons except that right now there was nothing else.
“And what other choice is there: stay here, with no job? Our lease is up the end of the month. I have no money. Home seems like the only choice. I have to decide what I’m doing with the rest of my life. I thought being away would help, but it’s just confused me more. I always thought I knew who I was, and now I don’t. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of direction.”
“Join the club, sis. We’re all trying to figure it out. When you get it down, let me know,” he said sinking back into the tub.
Ryan finally called, and we skied once more before I headed out. We took a lot of runs, talked very little, sat out on the deck in the sun at the Snow Hut Lodge and shared lunch. What had happened Clown Day never came up. I would let that one die. There were moments I wanted to bring it up, but it wasn’t explainable, and he seemed okay with falling back to friends.
He came to the house the night before I left, bringing a bottle of wine, and we shared it by the fire. He tried to keep the conversation light, not allowing my sadness in.