by Loomis, Lisa
Late in the summer, I decided I wanted to get out on my own again, have my own place. A friend of my parents was a realtor on a new project in Rancho Penasquitos, a community closer to San Diego. The condominiums were reasonably priced, and I could buy one with very little down payment. I wanted my independence back. I felt as if I needed to alter things again, move on. My love life was nonexistent, and I didn’t want to feel like I was waiting, waiting for a man to help make big life decisions.
I figured if my parents would match what I’d saved from working, and I got a roommate, I could swing becoming a homeowner. Three years had passed since I’d left Park City, and I felt it was time to grow up. I wanted and needed a change, even though I still had a couple of years of college left. My dad was not as gung ho about it as I was, and he worried that I was putting too much pressure on myself. He thought I should stay home and finish school, save money, but I was not to be deterred. After many conversations about the responsibility, he agreed to help me buy a two-bedroom unit.
Ryan offered to help me with some of the upgrades I wanted to do. So, the two of us laid tile in the kitchen and entryway as opposed to the builder’s standard linoleum. Once I moved in, he helped me apply a faux finish on the bedroom walls, and then we put crown molding up in the bedroom. We had just finished that room and were sitting on the floor in the living room—no furniture yet, drinking some beer Ryan had brought with him. His back was leaning against the wall his longs legs stretched out in front of him.
“So what happened that night at the Sharps’ beach house? You were there, and then you and Jackie were gone. Did you leave the party?” I asked.
Karen and Jackie’s mom, Sadie, owned a second home on the beach in Oceanside, and we’d had more than a few parties there over the years without her knowledge.
“Sort of, she took me for a walk down the beach and then took me to bed,” he said with a smirk.
I about spit out the sip of beer I’d just taken.
“You and Jackie slept together?” I asked choking.
“Well, it wasn’t exactly sleeping. She said it was my birthday present. She was pretty persistent when I tried to laugh her offer off,” he said.
“You slut,” I said, laughing.
“Oh yeah, coming from Miss Prude here,” he ribbed.
I ignored him.
“Does Karen know?”
“I’m not telling her, and you don’t need to either,” he said with a tip of his head.
Karen and Jackie, the two sisters, were thirteen months apart and close to one another, sometimes too close. Jackie had slept with several of Karen’s exes, which pissed Karen off. It was almost like it was a challenge for Jackie to get the guy, once Karen was through with them. I found it amusing. My mom found it comical, she enjoyed the girls and their stories.
“Did you date after that?” I asked.
“Nah, one-night-stand, we both knew it,” he said casually.
He’d now slept with two of my closest friends. Liz popped into my mind, and I suddenly wondered if he’d slept with her.
“Have you slept with Liz too?” I asked hesitantly.
“Not yet,” he joked.
I shot him a look of not funny.
“Tell me who you’re sleeping with, a new neighbor maybe?” he teased.
“No,” I spat, remembering the man I had commented on to Ryan who lived in the next building.
He was my typical profile: tall, handsome, good body, and full of himself. I’d met him at the trash, his name was George, and it just didn’t fit him.
“No, not the new neighbor, or no, you aren’t going to tell me?” he pushed.
“No, I’m not going to tell you,” I teased. “Seriously though, I’m not doing George.”
“How do you know his name?”
“A friendly meeting over trash,” I said with a smile. “Are you dating anyone I haven’t heard about? I mean you didn’t tell me about Jackie when it happened.”
Ryan sat up pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them casually.
“I’ve taken this new gal out a couple times. She likes to line dance. It’s sort of fun,” he said.
“What’s the gal’s name?” I asked, mocking him.
“Julie.”
“Where did Julie come from?” I asked.
“Met her at the airport. She works there,” he answered.
I pictured the San Diego airport and looked at him puzzled.
“I’m taking up flying again. I regret not having pursued the flying thing, so I’ve decided to go for it. Palomar College has an aviation program, so I’m starting back to school too. I want to get a degree in aviation,” he explained.
I was stunned. How had all this come about without me knowing? Ryan had talked about flying in Florida. He’d gotten his private pilot’s license there years ago, but he had never expressed any regret to me about not pursuing it further. I wondered what had caused his renewed interest. I wondered if my mom knew all this.
“Ryan, that’s exciting. What made you want to take it up again? What’s the goal?” I asked.
I was so surprised and a little hurt that I’d heard nothing of this big decision, not even a thought about it.
“Get my transport license and be able to fly corporate or commercial, become a pilot,” he said.
“Wow,” I mused. “A pilot.”
I suddenly realized how disconnected our worlds had become. That the days at my parents’ house truly were a lifetime ago. Maybe we had become too disconnected as I felt a tightening in my heart.
“That would change your world. And Julie?” I asked carefully.
“We’ll see,” he smiled contentedly.
I was happy for him and jealous at the same time. He was taking charge of his life and changing his whole direction. My change seemed to pale in comparison.
There was also someone new in his life, someone who made him smile.
Chapter 24
Ryan and I were both on the go the next year. He was dating Julie, working, flying, and going to school at night. I was going to school during the day and working four jobs around it to meet my new obligations. If I got five hours of sleep anymore, it was amazing. I didn’t have time to date or even think about dating. I had a couple one-night-stands that left me feeling empty afterwards, so I stopped. If I went anywhere, it was usually over to my parents.
“I worry about you,” Mom said. “Your life is too hectic. You don’t have any spare time to enjoy it.”
“Oh, Mom, quit worrying,” I said.
I’d stopped by to visit and was doing math homework at her counter while she was busy in the kitchen.
“What are you cooking?” I asked as she started something on the stove.
“Trying a new chicken dish I pulled out of a magazine. I assume you’re staying for dinner?” she asked.
“Sure, why not, no one to go home to,” I said tapping my pencil on my book.
“Are you seeing anyone?” she asked casually.
It was the question we both knew I hated, and that she asked too often. She couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a steady boyfriend. She’d told me more than once she’d never lacked for boyfriends; she certainly had never gone years without one. It made me feel even more broken.
“Don’t ask,” I said, not wanting to have that conversation again. “Can you believe Jackie’s getting married to Marty this summer?”
Mom’s dog, Skyler, scratched at the slider.
“Let her in, will you?” Mom asked.
I walked to the slider and was surprised to see Ryan’s dog, Bo. He rotated his big square head at me with puppy dog eyes, and was happily wagging his tail.
“What’s he doing here?” I asked.
“He’s here a lot. Ryan felt bad leaving him in his apartment all day while he works, so I told him to bring him here. He drops him off almost every day. Skyler seems to like him,” she said.
I opened the door, and they both shot into the kitchen and hurried over benea
th Mom’s feet. I was a little surprised Mom hadn’t told me about Bo’s daily visits. I felt out of the loop again, like being so busy I was missing out on so much that was going on.
“Back to what you were saying, no, I can’t believe Jackie’s marrying Marty. Good for her, though. Those two have dated off and on forever,” Mom stated.
“On and off through high school, on and off after high school, on and off until they got engaged. Worries me a little, the on and off, I knew someone like that once,” I said, knowing she would pick up on who I meant.
“You ever talk to Mathew anymore?” she asked. “I assume that is who you are referring to.”
“No. He was never good at calling, and I finally quit,” I answered.
“You ever regret not going, trying to make it work with him?” she asked.
“There have been times, moments I wished I made a different choice. Funny, because even when I’ve wished I could change my decision, there is a part of me that still knows it was the right thing. I wonder if I will ever love someone like that again.”
“You loved Max,” she said.
“Not like that. At first Max was exciting because he chased me, wanted me. Mathew never did that. Like most girls, I was in love with the idea of love. Then real life comes in. Do you still love Dad, Mom?” I asked.
She started to make a salad, washing the iceberg lettuce, and putting it on the counter next to the sink to drain. I realized she never specifically taught me, but I washed lettuce the same way. I watched as she cut the tomatoes and then sliced some red onion, moving back and forth to the refrigerator, stepping around the dogs now lying in the middle of the floor.
“Sometimes,” she answered honestly. “Sometimes not. When you’ve been married as long as we have, things change. It comes and goes. Right now, it’s sort of gone. Your dad travels so much that we get our space; it helps keep it together. There’s no place either of us wants to go right now,” she said.
“How sad,” I said, frowning.
“Open us a bottle of wine,” she requested.
“Do you still have sex?” I asked, concentrating as I screwed the opener into the cork of the wine bottle.
“Sometimes,” she said.
“Oh,” I said, feeling an ache in my chest. “And sometimes not?”
“Quit it, it’s not that bad,” she said, flapping her hand at me.
“I’m starting to realize I may think love is more than it is. I want someone who loves me and respects me and wants to share with me. I don’t want it to stop. I don’t want it to fade away. I want the sex to stay good, I don’t want that to go away either. I want to feel in love after twenty, thirty years, or however long. I want to still feel my husband is hot and want to jump his bones,” I said.
She turned from the refrigerator with an amused look on her face.
“Then you’ll both have to work at it. It can be like that if both people work at it. It’s not easy. What happens most of the time is one or the other stops working at it. Life pounds you down. Day-to-day living makes it harder than when you date. Kids come into play, money worries, laundry, and on and on, it’s endless,” she said.
“Now you’re making it sound like a job. A job most people come to hate. Maybe single is good,” I said, sipping my wine.
Why did she even want me to date, to get married, and go ho-hum? I heard the side gate creak open, and Bo ran to the slider.
“Must be Ryan,” Mom said.
I watched Bo wag his tail excitedly until Ryan reached the door. He smiled at me through the glass. His hair was shorter. In cutting it, he’d removed most of the blond ends. The boyish curls were still there, though. He opened the door and gave Bo a big pat.
“Hey, buddy,” he said before he walked over to my mom and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey, Patty, something smells good,” he said as he inspected the pans on the stove.
“Some new recipe she’s trying,” I said.
I was happy to see him.
“One of my new favorites, I’m sure,” he said with a grin.
“Stay for dinner,” Mom pleaded. “Morgan’s staying.”
“So you take care of his dog and feed him too?” I joked.
Ryan gave me a silly, artificial smile.
“Not that often.”
“Sure,” I mocked, “Mom has always wanted to pick up the stray dogs. I get it.”
While Ryan petted his dog and teased my mom, the door from the garage opened, and Dad walked in. He put his briefcase down on the table.
“Not there,” Mom said, going to move it. “I’ve talked Morgan and Ryan into staying for dinner, and we’re sitting at the table.”
“That’s great, nice to have good company,” Dad said. “I’ll go slip into something more comfortable and come have a drink.”
Ryan appreciated a home cooked meal—something other than microwave meals was good. Mom was happy to have people enjoy her cooking, and Ryan always complimented her. It made me realize how we as her family failed to do so, taking her efforts for granted. When dinner was over, she insisted that Ryan and I take our wine glasses to the living room. Dad excused himself to watch TV. It had been a rainy spring, and it was too cool to sit outside. I knew Mom would come join us, once she finished up in the kitchen.
“So how is school and flying going?” I asked.
“Going. It’s a little rough, trying to do it all. I’m flying with a team from school, and I’m teaching flying, so I’m flying a lot. All good though, gives me more hours towards the license. School and work going all right for you? Your mom always tells me how busy you are.”
I suddenly realized Ryan saw my mom more than I did now, and I felt a pang of guilt.
“Like you, it’s a lot. Juggling the jobs, school, homework; it’s exhausting sometimes,” I answered pulling my feet up under me on the soft down couch.
“How’s the condo?”
“Good, slowly getting furniture which is nice,” I said thankfully.
“Still glad you took the plunge?” he asked.
I knew Ryan still couldn’t understand why I had burdened myself with a mortgage when I could have stayed in my parents’ beautiful home for nothing.
“Most of the time. I like my independence. You know me, type A, take on all you can and then some,” I joked.
He laughed.
“Are you still seeing Julie?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t a part of his life anymore.
Hoping that maybe we could find more occasions to do things together, feeling nostalgic, missing his company.
“Yeah, but it’s hard to find the time, and she doesn’t like that,” he said.
Damn, Julie had been around awhile. It was the longest I’d seen Ryan date anyone. I wondered if he was in love and at the same time didn’t want to know.
Chapter 25
“Hey, what are you doing?” Ryan asked when I answered the phone.
“Same thing you’re doing, getting ready for finals. Mom told me your team took first place in the last flying competition. That’s so cool,” I said as I leaned against the counter, glad to hear his voice.
We were like ships in the night. The last few months we heard more about each other from my mom than from one another.
“It was cool. Pretty exciting that the boys from the junior college beat the guys from the big fancy schools.”
“I bet, congratulations.”
“I was wondering if you were going to Jackie and Marty’s wedding?” he asked.
I thought it was a strange question, how could I miss it.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be? Mom and I are going together. You bringing Julie,” I asked, knowing she wouldn’t come.
“We broke up,” he said.
“You did? I’m sorry. I thought you really liked her,” I consoled as I counted back in my head: they’d dated just shy of a year.
The butterflies in my stomach woke and did a little jig of happiness.
“I did, but my life is busy and sh
e wasn’t very patient. She went back to her old boyfriend,” he said.
He didn’t sound sad necessarily. He hadn’t talked to me about his feelings for her. In fact, he hadn’t told me much about her at all. I basically knew she was shy, and that she hadn’t attended anything they’d been invited to.
“Can I join you and your mom? I’m happy to drive,” he offered.
“Of course,” I said excitedly.
I realized that, although my life was busy, I’d missed him. He had been easily accessible before Julie, then when she came into the picture, she had taken up any spare time that he had.
The wedding was beautiful, and Jackie and Marty couldn’t have looked more in love. I hoped for their sake the relationship would stay on this time. At the reception, I danced with Ryan most of the evening, enjoying the light and funny Ryan I knew from earlier days. He danced with Mom several times as well as Sadie.
Sadie was a hard woman to get to know. She had this standoffish, sort of bitchy, judgmental demeanor. Sadie hadn’t liked me from the start in high school, when I became friends with Karen and Jackie. She didn’t try to hide it, and I ignored it. The winter I moved away, she realized I hadn’t been the one influencing her little darlings after all, and when I came back to town, her attitude towards me changed. I thought it was funny because I didn’t care either way. I knew her history. Sadie Sharp had no right to judge anyone.
There had been two failed marriages, and several affairs. The real scandal however broke my senior year in high school. It broke big enough that it was the talk of the town. Karen came home early from school one afternoon and caught her mother in bed with Dirk—who was Karen’s boyfriend. When Karen found out it had been going on for some time, she was devastated. Thinking about my own mother, I couldn’t imagine a mother doing that to her daughter.