I don’t even remember how much time had gone by, but I must have fallen asleep. Once again, I found myself caught in another violent nightmare, and he was back.
“Hello, Walker” was all he said. I opened my eyes to have him staring right at me. I was again at my desk at Reed Global. It was always the same dream. I was back here on the day he last visited me, Jackson’s birthday, the anniversary of Elizabeth’s death.
“Please go away, father. Leave me alone, and go back to Hell where you belong.”
“Walker, I told you, I’m not in Hell. I’m everywhere. Every story has a villain. I’m sorry that I’m yours.”
“Stop saying that!” I screamed to him. “Get out of my head and leave me alone. Why do you keep doing this to me? You’re dead! Be dead, and leave me alone.” I began to hold my head and close my eyes. I begged him to go away, counting to fifty in hopes that when I opened my eyes, he would be gone. Well, no such luck, because he was still there.
“Forgive me, son.”
I suddenly awakened from my dream, knocking over objects that were on my desk. I never made it back to our bedroom. I had been here all night in my study. I looked over to the clock and tried to get my eyes into focus. It read five a.m. I scrubbed my face and tried to wake up to gather my bearings.
Reese? Has she been asleep this entire time? Usually if she were to wake in the middle of the night, she would have searched for me. I quietly opened our bedroom door, and there she was, still very much asleep and almost in the same position I had left her in.
I quietly entered our closet and changed into running clothes. I needed to run, and run for many miles to clear my head. Too early to call Tyler for a workout. I’ll be better on my own anyway. These nightmares are bullshit, and I want them to stop. I leave a note for Reese and kiss her lips. Brushing away the hair that had fallen on her face, I ran my fingers along her jaw line. She was exquisite to stare at, especially when she was sleeping.
She must know that I practically did this each and every night. She was the only vision I wanted in my dreams, not Phillip. Kissing her one last time, I made my way out to begin the run that would hopefully help me find some peace and resolution to my sleeping problem once and for all.
My run started out aggressive, and once I reached eight miles, I began to slow down. I ran nearly thirteen miles when I had reached an unexpected destination. I was at the cemetery. Who would have thought when I began my run that my legs would bring me here?
I hadn’t been here for more than a year now. I was ashamed that I stayed away this long, but it’s not a place I liked to visit. Who does when it’s a final resting place of someone that you cared about? This place was quiet, but it also haunted me. Elizabeth was here, and she should not be. My heart began to ache as I got closer to her grave. The grass seemed to be a bit overgrown and her current flower arrangement had wilted. Leaves were scattered all around her stone.
I had a bench installed in front of her grave as soon as I was able to. Her parents used to visit her frequently. I didn’t want Gail to be uncomfortable while she was here mourning her daughter. I always took care of her parents, but not anymore. After discovering what Henry did to me, and to Reese, his needs did not matter to me at all. I would always love Gail, but her loyalties were with her husband, just like my mother to Phillip. Gail would never know what a bastard Henry was, and the crimes he committed. I wouldn’t hurt her or dishonor Elizabeth. That act would only hurt our son.
I took a seat in front of her memorial. I loved what I had chosen for her. Her memorial stone was made of solid granite in a dusty rose color. She had angel wings sprouting out from the top of it and an inscription well-suited for the woman Elizabeth Townsend Reed was.
“What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes part of us.”
Elizabeth Townsend Reed
1974 – 1997
Rest in eternal peace, my friend
I can’t even remember how I came to choosing this fitting quote, but I found it scribbled in one of her journals. It was from Helen Keller. Elizabeth liked to write down inspirational quotes, sometimes using them on me when I was being a stubborn ass. Who knew that a quote she loved would end up on her gravestone. I hope she liked what I had chosen for her.
My legs were weak from the high endurance run I had just unexpectedly taken. I usually didn’t push my body this hard, but they led me here. I didn’t come here as often as I should, but when I did, I couldn’t help but talk out loud to her in hopes that she could hear me.
“Hi, friend, I’m sorry I haven’t been here in a while, and without flowers. I will send you roses today…the yellow ones that you love so much. I’ll add some lilies too.”
“Remember to tell the florist that I like the calla lilies,” I heard a voice say behind me.
“What the hell?” I whipped my head up, not believing what I just heard. I thought I was alone here. I just heard Elizabeth’s voice loud and clear, but how?
“Fuck! Now on top of having nightmares, I’m losing my mind,” I say aloud.
“Watch your language, Walker. This is a place to find peace, not sound like a potty mouth. Open your eyes, Walker. By the way, you are not losing your mind.”
I slowly lifted my head and saw Elizabeth standing before me. She was beautiful and young, just like I remembered her to be. Her eyes were shining and piercing mine as I took in the beauty before me.
“You’re not real! This is just my imagination playing tricks on me, or I have a tumor that I don’t know about. Go away!”
I closed my eyes again and took in deep breaths in hopes when I open them, the vision of Elizabeth would be gone. I opened them slowly and she was still standing before me, but laughing. Laughing, like the joke is on me. What the fuck?
“I can see you still have your temper. Calm down, Walker, and breathe,” she said.
“How are you here, Elizabeth?”
“I’m here, because you needed me.”
“I’ve needed you since the day you left me, Elizabeth. Of all the times I prayed for a sign from heaven, finally now you appear before me? Why? I don’t understand this at all.”
“I don’t know how much time I have here with you, so are you going to argue with me, or will you let me help you?”
“I don’t need any help, Elizabeth. I can’t even believe what I’m saying right now, this is not real. You are a product of my overactive stressed out subconscious, and I want you gone.”
Slap!
“Is that real enough for you? God! You are still the same obstinate man you always were. I am real, Walker, and whether you are willing to believe it or not, I am here to help you. Now shut up and listen to me.”
“Oh my God, you are here! I can see you still have skills in the slapping department.”
“Yes I do, and you deserved it. Walk with me, and we can talk.”
As much as my brain screamed at me not to believe what was happening in front of me, my heart led me to take her hand. I felt her hand in mine as we walked through the grounds of the semi-darkened cemetery.
“Walker, like I said, I don’t know how much time I have with you, so I will try to make you understand as much as I can.”
“First, I want you to breathe and try to relax. I’m here because you seem to be struggling with a darkness that is strangling you night after night. It breaks my heart to witness it. For a man who is about to finally get all that he has desired and ever wanted, you should be happier than what is standing in front of me now.”
I stopped and dropped to my knees. Her words just sliced me wide open, and all the pain I’d been holding on to for years came pouring out.
“I’m so sorry, Elizabeth. I should have known earlier that you were sick. I worked way too much when I should have been home with you. I missed the signs, and it was a time where you needed me the most. Please, Elizabeth, forgive me? You died. You fucking died! And you left me alone to raise our son. Do you even know what I went through,
living this life without you?”
“Yeah, that sucked by the way. It was never my choice to leave you or Jackson. Believe me, Walker, I would have done anything to stay. I love you, and I’ve never stopped. I’ve always been here watching over you and Jackson. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You have been an amazing father and role model for our son. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Our son has grown into an amazing human being. That’s all because of you and the love you bestowed upon him every day of his life. If I had a choice, Walker, I would have always chosen our son to survive.”
“It’s not fair, Elizabeth. You should be here with us.”
“Yeah, you’re right, it didn’t work out that way, but besides, you have all that you need. Your one true love has returned to you. You now have your chance to make it right this time. Don’t let the sad memories of the past stop you from having that.”
“Why do you say it that way? My one true love? Elizabeth, it feels like it dismisses everything you and I had shared, and I never wanted to dishonor your memory by loving Reese.”
“Oh Walker, what am I going to do with you? You could never hurt me. I know you loved me, but it was a different type of love. We always knew that, and I was okay with it.”
“It was real, Elizabeth. Please believe that. I meant every promise I ever made to you.”
“I know you did, and now it’s time to make some new ones with Reese. You have mourned me long enough. I want you to be happy again. I want to hear you laugh and see your smile as much as I can. But in order for all of those things to happen, you need to do something for me first.”
“What? I’ll do anything you ask of me.”
“Forgive our fathers.”
“No!”
“Forgive our fathers, Walker.”
“Never!”
“It’s the only way for you to move on and find peace, my friend. Release your anger, Walker, and forgive our fathers.”
“Ask me anything else, Elizabeth. I will never give forgiveness to those bastards…ever!”
“And to think I thought this would be easy. Please hear me, best friend. For once let your anger fall away, and open your heart to forgiveness.”
“Walker, loving Reese will never erase the love you had for me. Forgiving your father will not make you weak. It will make you stronger. You are losing yourself night after night in your nightmares because somewhere deep inside, you have guilt. You never gave your father the chance to make amends to you, and now he’s gone. He and Henry were so wrong for what they did to you, and to Reese. It’s not impossible for you to do this. If not for them, forgive them for you. Let this go, Walker. …And by the way, please stop punching people.”
I laughed for the first time since this crazy hallucination took over my brain. I suddenly felt lighter.
“I didn’t technically punch Henry, but you know he damn well deserved it.”
“Thanks for that, by the way. He certainly did, but it would have only hurt our son and my mother. You did the right thing that day.”
“I hate him, Elizabeth. I hate them all for what they did. I will never understand why they played God with our lives.”
She looked into my eyes and said, “Losing me was punishment enough for my father. How do you get absolution when you lose the one person that matters most to you? It was the same for your poor Reese losing your unborn son. You were cheated from being a father to him, and I think that was Phillip’s undoing.”
Elizabeth continued, “They are not soulless men. They do hurt, Walker, and we may never know the real truth why they did what they did to you. Why does it even matter at this point? All I know is that part of your life needs to close and really be finished. You will never heal those wounds you carry deep within you if you don’t try. You may think you have accomplished this, but if that were true, then why the nightmares? Phillip is dead and will never hurt you again, but he is very real in your dreams. His blood runs through your veins, as yours does in our son. We are all connected in this life. And because I’m here with you now, this should show you without a doubt that we will forever be connected in this life and the next.”
“Forgive him?” I asked. “That’s impossible, my friend.”
“Let his spirit rest, and free yourself.”
“How do I do that, Elizabeth? How will I ever be able to voice the words that my father needs to hear for his absolution?”
“The words will come when you are ready, but first you need to open your mind and heart. You have a past. A painful one filled with loss, but it’s not something that can’t be overcome. I love you, Walker. I will always be with you.”
“I miss you, friend.” I could hear the brokenness in my voice, as her beautiful image slowly faded before me. I reached out to grab her, as my hand flew through thin air.
“Elizabeth!” I called out, but she disappeared.
I could still hear her voice. It said, “I’ll always be with you, Walker, and with Jackson. He’s going to need you now, more than ever before. Remember…I’m always with you.”
“Wait! What does that mean? Elizabeth, come back!” I shouted as loud as I could. My vocal cords were burning as I continued to yell out into the early morning dawn. “Elizabeth! “She was gone, drifted away like a shimmering light that had now darkened. What the fuck? I feel like I can’t even breathe. I feel lost and confused, and now I’m left with more questions than I had before. My face is soaked with tears. I don’t believe I have ever cried more for Elizabeth, as I am doing right now. I’m exhausted and rooted to the ground. I’m in front of her gravestone. Did I imagine it all? Was Elizabeth really here with me? It felt so real, real enough to feel my face sting where she slapped me.
The sun was coming up, and I had to get out of here but couldn’t make the run back home. I practically ran the length of a half marathon to get here. I phoned Stephen to pick me up and drive me to my office. I will phone Reese from the car. I can’t have her seeing me like this, it will only scare and worry her. I know she is stronger than I give her credit for, but she’s pregnant, and I will not risk her health or our daughter that she is carrying.
I was walking out of the cemetery when bright lights blinded my vision. When my eyes adjusted, I saw Stephen walk over to me. I suddenly felt my legs give way, and I fell down on to my knees. He came rushing over to me at a rapid speed.
“Mr. Reed, are you ill?”
He easily hoisted me up from the ground and wrapped his bearlike arms around my shoulders. I was lifted into the backseat of my car before I even realized what was happening.
“Here sir, drink this,” Stephen said while handing me a small carton. “You seem to be dehydrated. You need electrolytes. The orange juice will help. Eat this protein bar until I can get you a proper breakfast.”
“I’m okay, Stephen, so stop hovering. Get me to the office where I can shower and dress. Call Jenny to come in early. I need her.”
“Yes sir.”
My voice was still hoarse and dry. Texting Reese was a better option at this point. I briefly explained to her why I wasn’t there this morning. I simply said that I left the house early for a workout and had an early meeting, hoping she would believe me.
As I waited for her reply, I couldn’t begin to even process what I experienced this morning. I still don’t know if I had imagined it all or it was in fact real? Was I hallucinating due to dehydration?
Reese: Good Morning! Missed you and waking up to your arms holding me. I love you baby and wish you an amazing day. Call me when you can. Xoxo…your loving fiancé.
A simple text message had the ability to bring me to my knees. God! I hated to be without her for even a minute, but I am in no shape to face her right now. My head was spinning from overexertion on my run and lack of water and food. Talking to my dead wife this morning didn’t help either.
We pulled up through the underground entrance to Reed Global. This entrance allowed me to come and go without being visible. I was very grateful that I had this toda
y.
After a very long hot shower, I dressed and sat in the quiet of my office. Jenny was expected to arrive at any moment, and I could start my day. The routine of work and business should be all I need to get my mind off of nightmares and ghosts.
Nightmares and ghosts…Oh God…Why me?
Stephen had breakfast ordered in for me. As hungry as I was, everything seemed to taste like sawdust. Knowing I would get a glare or two from Jenny, I did try to eat. She hovered like Stephen but in a more maternal way. Jenny could read all of my moods and pick the battles she knows she can win.
As I began to relax, my mind took me back to seeing Elizabeth. Did that conversation really happen? Did I actually touch and speak to my dead ex-wife?
Elizabeth wants me to forgive our fathers, but how do I do that? I want to believe that I closed the door to that painful chapter of my life, but apparently not if I’m being haunted in my dreams. Isn’t it enough that I spent all those years without Reese? Suffering over the pain of Elizabeth dying? Yeah, I’ve had enough of the suffering part, that’s for sure.
Now my father who created this whole mess wants forgiveness? If he hadn’t interfered in the first place, than I wouldn’t need to forgive him. How can I say that? That would mean I wouldn’t have had Jackson, and I always said he was the one true thing in my life that I would never regret. None of this makes sense to me.
And what did Elizabeth mean by saying that Jackson will need me? Jackson knows he can come to me with anything. Have I been neglecting him? I don’t see how? He’s on his trip with his girl and it wasn’t easy agreeing to that, but college is next for them. They should be able to enjoy their last summer of fun before things get serious in their lives.
A timid knock at the door broke me out of my deep thoughts.
“Good morning, sir.” Jenny entered my office with a tray of fresh coffee and muffins. She had the sixth sense of a Jedi knight. I never had to utter a word to Jenny. She always seemed to know exactly what I needed and when.
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