Amy juggled her schoolwork and helping out Sophia with taking care of Baby Jack. She knew her mom was drinking, despite her best efforts to hide it. She wondered sometimes whether she should tell anyone, but decided against it. She didn't want Jack taken away. Sophia was in no state to look after a baby, Beth was always busy and Joe…Well, she wasn't a little kid anymore, and she couldn't go running to him with every little problem. He didn't seem that interested anyway.
Every week Joe told himself that he would make time to go to California and spend some time with his family, and every week, something came up that prevented that from happening. The phone calls from Amy got less and less frequent, and when he called her she didn't seem to want to talk much. He guessed she was growing up and didn't really need him any more. His ma had insisted they were all fine and he chose to believe her, ignoring the little voice that was telling him that maybe he should go home and see for himself.
~ oOo ~
Sometimes time just gets away, and it was eight months before he found himself pulling up outside his ma's house. The front door flew open, and Amy raced down the garden path, throwing herself into his arms. Laughing he hugged her tight, before holding her at arms' length to get a better look at her. She was rapidly leaving the little girl she once was behind. "Wow, sugar. You are growing up so fast."
Amy grinned and with her hand in his led him towards the house, where his ma was waiting in the doorway. "Hey, ma." He kissed her on the cheek and, frowning as she turned, led him into the house, limping slightly. "You okay?"
"Bit of a backache. I'm fine." It was clear she wasn't, but he let it go.
After feasting on fajitas, they all settled down to watch TV. Amy snuggled against him with his arm around her shoulders. "Joe?"
"Yes, sugar?"
"Can you take me to Beth's tomorrow? I haven't seen her for ages."
"Sure." He was planning on seeing her anyway. "Why haven't you seen her?"
"I dunno. She's busy, I guess."
Joe gave her a squeeze. "She's started another course. I guess that, with her job, takes up a lot of her time. Be worth it when she's a high-flying lawyer, though."
It took all of Beth's self control not to throw herself into Joe's arms. She hugged her niece, her eyes never leaving him. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I've been a terrible aunt. As soon as this course is done, I promise I will spend more time with you."
Amy shrugged. "It's okay. I know you've been busy." She wandered into the living room, leaving Joe and Beth alone in the kitchen.
Joe reached out and touched her cheek. "You look tired."
"I'm okay." She smiled and leaned slightly into his touch. "I've missed you." He was so close, she could almost taste him. Her hand came up, almost of its own accord, and touched his chest. "Joe." It was barely a whisper.
"Beth?" Joe stiffened as she reached up on tiptoes and kissed him on the lips.
Beth's hands worked their way up his chest and snaked around his neck as she deepened the kiss. Joe placed his hands on her hips and gently pushed her away. "Beth, you have to stop."
"I'm...I'm sorry. I just wanted..." She looked into his eyes. "I just wanted to know what it would be like."
"Why?"
"You really don't know?" She kissed him again. "I've wanted to be with you for so long. I don't know what it feels like not to want you."
"Why would you want someone like me? You could do so much better." He ran his fingers through her hair. "You're a gre…"
"I know. I'm a great girl. Too good for the likes of you. I've heard it all before, Joe." She scowled. "Why can't you just be honest with me? I know I'm not beautiful like Maria."
"Shit, Beth. Have you looked in the mirror recently? You are beautiful. Inside and out." He leaned down and kissed so softly, she could hardly feel his lips on hers. "I ain't bullshitting you, Beth. I ain't the prize you think I am. You know how I felt about Maria, but there ain't ever been a time that I wasn't fucking around on her. You are a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman. Trust me, you really could do so much better."
"And if I said I didn't care?"
He shrugged. "Don't make no difference. It ain't that I don't care about you. But I would rather tear out my own heart than hurt you. You're my baby sister. I'm sorry, Beth. That's all you'll ever be to me." He wiped a tear from her cheek. "Tell Amy I'll pick her up later." Turning on his heel, he walked quickly from her condo, towards his bike.
"Where's Joe going?" Amy walked into the kitchen. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, sweetheart. He’ll be back later." Beth gave a small smile. She'd known deep down that Joe would never love her like she wished he would. But at least now she'd actually heard it from his lips. Maybe it was time to grow up and stop acting like a lovestruck teenager. Joe was right. She was a successful, intelligent woman, maybe not beautiful like he said, but she sure as shit wasn't ugly. It was time Beth Miller took control of her life and moved on.
Joe rode through the streets of his hometown, trying to drown out the noise in his head. Beth was in love with him. How could he have not seen that?
He hadn't wanted to hurt her, but to lead her on would hurt her more. He couldn't help wondering how things would've turned out if it had been Beth and not Maria that he'd fallen in love with. He'd never take an old lady, he knew that. He believed that unless a man was prepared to be monogamous he had no right to ask a woman to be the same. With Maria it had never been an issue. He may have loved her, and she him, but they weren't exclusive, never had been. Sometimes, at times like this, he wondered what it was that was wrong with him. He knew he had loved Maria, so much he wanted to rip out his own heart, but he could never properly commit to her. Was it self-preservation? A way of protecting himself from her? He'd always known she was flaky, that she would never refuse what she considered a better offer. That she would break his shriveled black heart.
He knew, though, that Beth deserved better. Someone who was prepared give her one-hundred-percent commitment. Joe did love Beth, but he wasn't in love with her and up until five minutes ago he had thought she felt the same. He hadn't been lying to her when he said he wasn't a prize. He was a killer, a sadistic, nasty piece of work who thought nothing of hurting people. He wasn't the knight in shining armor she seemed to think he was. She had a career, real prospects. There was no way he could fit into her life or she into his.
Joe pulled over at a small diner and sat astride his Harley with his head in his hands. This was so fucked up. What was he supposed to do now?
Beth buttered the bread for Amy's sandwich, all the time her words played over and over again. Shit, how could she be so stupid? Why couldn't she have just kept her feelings to herself?
For nearly twenty years she had been in love with him. She wasn't a fool; she knew what he was, what he did, and she knew that being with him would jeopardize her career. She didn't care. Truthfully, a career in law wasn't something she'd particularly wanted. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy her work, but even after four years with the law firm that she worked for, she hadn't made any close friends. She guessed she would never really fit in there. She blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. For all those years she had watched her older sister play Joe for a fool and watched him let her. This remarkable man that she knew would kill, hell, he'd die for those he loved. How could Maria treat him the way she did? She took a deep breath, took the sandwich into the living room, and joined Amy on the sofa. She stared at the TV screen without seeing it. This was so fucked up. What was she supposed to do now?
Amy wasn't sure what had just happened, one minute she and Joe were planning on spending the day with Beth, then next, Joe was storming out and Beth looked like she'd just been slapped. She had always thought that Beth and Joe would make a great couple. They both cared deeply for each other and, unlike him and her mom, didn't spend all their time hurting one another. She was just a kid and didn't understand the complexities of adult relationships, but for the life of her she couldn't understand why someone would
prefer to be with a person that hurt them than someone who would make them happy. She turned to her aunt. "Have you and Joe had a fight?"
"Oh no, sweetheart. Me and Joe are fine."
Amy nodded. She knew that Beth wasn't being completely honest with her, but she didn't argue. She just wanted them to be okay.
She chewed on her thumbnail. She had wanted to tell Beth that she was worried about her mom, but now she wasn't so sure. Her aunt looked so sad, and she didn't want to make her feel worse.
Beth frowned. "You got something on your mind, sweetheart?"
Amy sighed. Beth was almost as good as Joe at winkling out information from her. "Mom's drinking all the time."
"Shit, Amy, how long has this been going on?"
"I dunno, a while, I guess."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
Amy shrugged. "You've been busy. I don't think Nana Sophie’s feeling so good and Joe was away. I didn't want to say anything to anyone else in case they take Jack away."
"Nana Sophie isn't feeling well? What's wrong with her?"
"I don't know, she says she's okay, but I don't think she is."
"Does Joe know?"
"Don't think so."
"Shit." Beth stood and pulled out her cell. "Joe? You need to get back here."
Joe didn't ask why. Whatever was going on between him and Beth could wait. He knew by the tone of her voice there was a problem, and it probably involved Amy or the baby. "I'll be there in ten."
He gunned the engine and headed straight back to her condo.
Beth let him in and led him into her small living room. "Amy says Maria's drinking again."
"Shit, sugar. Why didn't you say anything?"
Amy shrugged and looked at her hands. Joe sat next to her and pulled her into his arms. "What did I say about keeping things to yourself?"
"I'm sorry, Joe. You mad at me?"
"When am I ever mad at you? But you should have told someone."
Beth leaned on the doorframe. "It isn't just that, Joe. Amy seems to think your mom isn't well."
Joe nodded, he could see how his ma's health had declined over the last few months. "I guessed as much. She insists she's okay, but it's pretty obvious that's bullshit."
"What we gonna do, Joe?"
"D'ya know what, Beth? I don't fucking know." He ran his hand over his head. "There's no way I'm gonna ask Ma to look after Jack."
Amy sighed. "I can take care of Jack. I do it most of the time anyway."
"You have school, sugar." He kissed the top of her head. "I need to talk to Ma. Try an' get her to be straight with me."
Beth frowned. This was going to fall on her. Again. "I'll talk to Maria."
Sophia sat at her kitchen table as her son paced up and down. "Jesus, Ma, why didn't you tell me how much you've been struggling?"
"I didn't want you to worry."
"Well, I'm worrying now." Joe sat opposite her and took her hand in his. "There must be something I can do."
"I'm fine."
"Ma!"
"Okay, okay. I could do with help with the cost of the meds. I'm supposed to take them every day, but I can't afford to."
"You got it. Anything else?"
She shook her head. "No. Amy helps me round the house. She's a good girl."
"Yeah, she is. Thing is, she's also taking care of the baby. Maria's drinking again."
"Oh, no. Poor kid. She never said a word."
Joe sighed. "Okay, here's the plan. I will pay for your meds and for someone to come round a couple of times a week to help round the house. That will take the pressure off Amy a little and stop you from overdoing it."
"And how are you going to be able to afford that?"
"Not your problem. You will just take the money and do as you're told."
"Okay. What about Maria?"
"I dunno, Ma. I don't want to get sucked back into her life, but at the same time I don't wanna let Amy down."
"And the baby?"
Joe shrugged. Although he didn't want anything bad to happen to him, Amy's baby brother meant nothing to him. He hadn't bonded with him like he had with her. "I'm not taking on another of her kids, Ma."
"So it falls on Beth again."
"I guess. Shit, Ma. Don't look at me like that, I ain’t the villain here." He sighed. "Fine, I'll go an' talk to Maria. Not that it'll make any difference."
Sophia smiled and patted her son's hand. "You know, deep down, you are a good man."
"No I ain’t, Ma."
~ oOo ~
"Joe!" Maria threw her arms around his neck, frowning as she felt him stiffen.
"This ain't a social call, M." He pushed her gently, but firmly away from him. "Amy's worried. Says you're drinking."
"Jesus, it's just the odd glass of wine."
"You won't have a problem stopping, then."
"Why would I stop?"
"Because, M, you have an addictive personality. You don't do anything in moderation."
"Oh, here we go again. How dare you judge me? You have no idea how hard it is bringing up two kids on my own."
"Other people manage it." He scowled. "You didn't have to live here, away from those people who'd help you out. It was you that wanted to live in the fancy neighborhood. Do you know what, M? You make me sick. You are financially secure, have nice home, two beautiful kids and it's still not enough. You wanna wallow in self pity, fine. But don't drag your kids down with you."
"Well maybe if you had been a proper old man in the first place, I wouldn't fuck up all the time."
"Oh, so this is my fault, now?"
"I think you should take your share of the blame. You were never there for me. Not really." Her lip curled up into a sneer. Suddenly she didn't look so beautiful. "Oh, you loved riding in to the rescue. Joe the hero. But the truth is, you were never committed to me. How many women have you fucked, Joe? All those years, you swore you loved me, you were screwing around."
"They never meant anything. And it wasn't as if you were sitting at home knitting." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wasn't here to rake over the past. "I think you should get on a program, before this gets out of control."
"And if I say no?"
"I will call child services."
"You're bluffing."
"Try me. I don't wanna see your kids in the system. But if you ain't prepared to help yourself, it may be the best place for them. I'm sick of watching everybody bail you out, over and over again. It's about time you took responsibility for your own actions." He turned to leave. "For once in your life M, do the right thing."
EIGHTEEN
Joe hadn't expected to feel the way he did when he saw Maria. Despite the distance between them, he had expected that rush that he always got when he laid eyes on her. What he hadn't expected to feel was…Nothing.
He had known for a long time that he didn't want to love her. It gave her power over him, it made him weak, and he hated feeling weak. Now though, things were different. It was like he could see for the first time in his life. He'd been played over and over again, unable to resist her wiles. He'd always known, intellectually, that it was happening. But the other part of him, the weak part, told himself that she was just a victim, that she couldn't help it. He guessed that, subconsciously, he was afraid that if he didn't love her he would hate her. And he was afraid of how destructive that hate would be. But as he stood there watching her try to justify her actions, he realized, he didn't care. All he cared about was Amy and, to a lesser extent, her brother. They were what was important here. He wasn't going to waste another ounce of energy on Maria. He had nothing left to give.
After leaving her house he'd ridden for hours, trying to wrap his head around the day's events. It felt like something had died inside him. Maybe it had died a long time ago, but he hadn't noticed. Joe had no idea. All he was aware of was a pervading sense of loss. He wanted to be angry; he knew how to deal with that. But this… This emptiness. No, it wasn't even that. There was an emotion there, one he b
arely recognized. He must have felt it before, but he couldn't remember a time when he did. Joe felt… Sad.
It was dark when he let himself into his ma's house. She was still awake, waiting for him. "Did you see Maria?"
"Yeah." He slumped onto the sofa and put his head in his hands. "I'm done with her, Ma."
Sophia had heard this before, but for some reason, this time she believed him. She reached out and took his hand. "I'm sorry, son."
"Don't be. It was a long time coming, but it was bound to happen."
"Doesn't mean it hurts any the less, though." She smiled. "You loved her for a long time. Give yourself a little time, allow yourself space to grieve. You will love again."
"I doubt it, Ma."
She said nothing. She hoped that he would fall in love again. She knew what it was like to go through life alone. She had never allowed herself to fall in love after Joe's father had walked out. She had thought she was protecting herself, but now she knew she was wrong. She had just condemned herself to a life of loneliness. Not something she would wish on anyone.
He had left for Seattle, early the next morning. He needed to get away. Needed long runs, meaningless sex and to just be able to drink himself into oblivion without anyone questioning him.
When he arrived fourteen hours later, he was exhausted, with a thumping headache. Barney and Samson were leaning on the bar drinking their beers and putting the world to rights when he walked in. Barely acknowledging them he stalked out back.
Barney was happy to leave him alone, he knew his brother well enough to know when to steer clear. Samson, however, had no such compunction. If Tiny wanted to be left alone he would let him know. But they'd had each other's backs for a lot of years, and it looked to him like his brother was hurting. And that meant that gash had got under his skin yet again. He followed his brother out back towards the flop house. "You okay, brother?"
A Family Man Page 11