Worse than that, she was afraid it would make him fight against her so hard he would never let himself see he loved her. Zac was afraid of love, afraid he couldn't have it, afraid he didn't deserve it. She had to find some way to help him see what he was doing to himself, or his fear could keep him from ever being truly happy.
And her, too.
Chapter Seventeen
Zac had spent the last fifteen minutes cussing himself, Harold and Sarah Thoragood, Bella, Dodie, Windy, the saloon, his family, his customers, San Francisco, his idea to take Lily to dinner on the yacht, just about everything that came to mind.
Everything except Lily.
No matter how angry he got at everyone else, he didn't get angry at Lily. That made him angrier than ever. It also cast him into black despair. He had no business feeling the way he did about Lily. It seemed nothing he did made any difference. Every day seemed to find him a little more under her spell.
He could have withstood sheer beauty. He could have survived an all-consuming physical passion. He thought he could have ignored her charm and kindness. But it was her damned innocence that was his downfall. He only had to look into those shining eyes to feel himself drowning.
Damn flower women! What was it about them that made it impossible for Randolph men to forget them? This would teach him to pity his brothers for being so weak. He had boasted he could remain invulnerable to the blandishment of any female. He'd survived dozens of well-orchestrated campaigns. Yet a wide-eyed innocent comes wandering in from Virginia and he falls like a roped steer.
He had to make sure she stayed at Bella's. That was the only way he might break this fascination he had for her. It was also the only way he was going to keep his hands to himself. If he was tempted before, he was doubly tempted now the world thought she was his wife.
He couldn't tell her the real reason he had sent her to Bella's. He couldn't tell anybody. How could he explain he didn't trust himself to keep his hands off his wife? Everybody expected them to sleep together. That's all most newlyweds thought about for the first few months.
But he couldn't afford to do that, not when he was certain Lily wouldn't want to remain his wife. He might be many things, but he was neither so selfish nor thoughtless he would father a child who would come into this world without a full set of parents. He hadn't let it happen to Josie's baby or dozens of babies before. He certainly wasn't going to let it happen to his own child.
Zac couldn't remember his father. He left before Zac was two. He couldn't really remember his mother though she'd lived two more years. Rose and George had tried to fill the gap, but he'd always felt disconnected from the family. They had memories and experiences he couldn't share, that excluded him from a very important part of their lives.
He'd never understand their drive to prove themselves. He'd seen their struggles and counted himself lucky to have escaped that burden. Yet he felt deprived, unattached, rudderless. He had no goal in life other than to please himself.
It wouldn't be any better if Lily decided she did want to stay married to him. What kind of father would he make, a man who didn't want to be married, didn't want children, didn't love the woman the world thought was his wife?
He groaned. The night he opened the Little Corner of Heaven had been one of the proudest and happiest moments of his life. It had given him a purpose, a sense of direction. He'd finally achieved the kind of operation he'd envisioned for years. He had arranged everything to suit himself, and it had worked. Each time he turned the corner and saw the elegant facade of his building, he experienced a feeling of enormous pride, of happiness, of homecoming.
Until tonight. Now he felt like he was being sent into exile.
Worse than that he didn't even know what his feelings for Lily were. He could have understood it if he'd been in love with her. He'd seen his brothers fall all over themselves to please their wives. He'd have been mortified to act that way, but he'd have at least understood.
It was the fascination, infatuation, or whatever it was that he didn't understand. He felt bewitched, obsessed, tormented. It wasn't love, but what was it?
Agony. He felt like he was betwixt and between and powerless to go either way. If he didn't decide something soon, it was going to drive him nuts. If Lily decided she didn't want to be married to him, that would solve everything.
Of course he would be sorry to see her leave. He liked having her around. But he wasn't at all what she wanted in a husband. It wouldn't take her long to figure that out. He hoped he'd be over this fascination or whatever it was by the time she decided to leave. It was making it nearly impossible for him to concentrate on his gambling.
* * * * *
"You can't come in here," Dodie said when she saw Lily enter the front door of the saloon. "Zac gave strict orders you weren't to come near the place."
Lily avoided Dodie by darting around the far side of a table. She still hadn't made up her mind how best to attack the problem of getting close to Zac, but she had to be able to enter the saloon. Zac had made it clear he wasn't coming to her. She had to prove to her dense husband that he would be much happier with her than without.
"I'm the wife of the owner of this saloon," Lily said, walking rapidly to stay ahead of Dodie. "You're an employee. If he wants me out of here, let him get out of bed and put me out."
Dodie stopped in her tracks, a smile slowly appearing on her lips. "That wouldn't be wise of me, would it? Suppose Zac changed his mind. I would have made an enemy of you. You would probably have him fire me."
"P-probably." Lily couldn't imagine her doing such a thing, or Zac listening to her if she tried.
"So having defied your husband and put me in my place, what do you intend to do?" Dodie asked.
"Help you like I did before."
"No more?"
"Not yet." Lily saw the gleam of amusement in Dodie's eyes and knew she'd judged correctly. "I'm still working on a plan."
"Are you going to let me know what you decide?"
"I don't know. I don't want Zac to get angry at you, too."
"Don't worry. With you around, he doesn't have time."
* * * * *
"Can you show me how to gamble?" Lily asked Dodie.
Lily had a gift for figures. So did Dodie. Between the two of them, they had cleared away the morning's work in a few hours.
"Are you crazy? Zac would cut my liver out."
"I don't want to actually do it. I just want to know how it works. I can't imagine what Zac and all these men find so exciting about it. It looks boring to me."
"Bite your tongue. If everybody felt like that, we'd be out of business."
"I'm serious. Why do they do it?"
"For the chance to win."
"But they lose most of the time."
"I know, but the true gambler is an eternal optimist. He's certain his luck is going to change on the next hand, that he'll win more than enough to make up for what he's lost."
"But Zac doesn't lose."
"Zac plays the odds. Besides, he's the best judge of people I've ever known. It's like he can look inside people's heads and tell if they're bluffing."
"How do you play the odds?" Lily asked. "I thought you just put your money down and took your chances."
"That's what most of our costumers do. That's how we make money. Here, let me show you how it works in poker."
Lily found the game fascinating. She could see why her father didn't want her to know anything about it. She could spend hours dealing the cards to see the kinds of hands she could get. Even more fascinating was trying to figure the odds of getting any particular card or of improving her hand.
"You sure you haven't played this game before?" Dodie asked.
"No. Papa would die if he could see me now. He'd be sure I was headed straight to Hell."
Dodie laughed. "That wouldn't be as bad as what'll happen if Zac catches us. You'd better put them up."
"I will in a little while."
That little while turned into t
he whole afternoon. She asked Dodie questions from time to time, but she mostly dealt hands, tried to improve them by discarding, then saw which hand won. She had just put the pack in her pocket when Zac came down the stairs.
Lily felt panic flood through her. She'd meant to be ready for him when he came down. She'd let herself get caught up with the cards, and he'd caught her by surprise. One more reason why gambling was dangerous.
She was heartened to see him smile the moment he set eyes on her. He turned it into an angry scowl almost immediately, but she hadn't been mistaken. He was glad to see her. The problem now was how to force him to admit it. He was coming toward her. She was quick to wipe the smile of satisfaction from her face.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded while he was still several yards away.
He spoke so loud nearly everyone in the room turned. Usually Zac didn't care that people overheard his conversations, but tonight he seemed acutely aware he had an audience.
"Come into my office," he said. "There are a few things we've got to get straight."
* * * * *
Zac didn't know why he had thought Lily would stay at Bella's. She hadn't stayed anywhere else he'd put her. Yet it was a shock to come down the stairs and see her sitting at one of the tables, as beautiful as an angel, just as if they hadn't gotten married the day before.
He realized he had no right to complain about that. He'd been the first one to try to impress on Lily their marriage wouldn't make any difference in their lives.
"I told you not to come here again," he said as soon as he closed the door.
He didn't know why he should continually be surprised by her loveliness. He'd seen her every day for weeks, yet each day he discovered something he hadn't seen before. She was wearing a dark blue dress today. It made her eyes more vivid than usual. She was also wearing her hair up in an elegant knot atop her head, a small bunch of blue flowers nestled in the knot. She looked very grown up and remarkably elegant.
"I couldn't stay in my room all day with nothing to do."
"Why didn't you go see Sarah Thoragood?"
"I didn't think that was wise. After the way she treated you yesterday, I'd be bound to say something quite unpleasant."
Zac had to smile at Lily's determined defense of his reputation.
"I thought of visiting Daisy, but decided you wouldn't want me to."
"You'd be bound to say something you shouldn't, but you can't keep coming here."
"Why? It's where my husband lives and works. What more suitable place for his wife? That's what we have to discuss. Bella tells me rich men don't sleep in the same room with their wives. I know we don't always do things the fashionable way in Salem, but I've always expected a man and his wife to at least sleep under the same roof."
Zac had known this was coming, and he dreaded it. He should have told her yesterday, but he had foolishly hoped she'd figure it out for herself. He should have known that even if she had, she would have wanted to talk about it.
"If you keep coming here, it'll ruin your reputation and cause all kinds of talk."
"Not if people knew we were married. I would think it would cause even more damage to my reputation if we're never together."
She might be innocent, but she had figured a few things out. He might as well level with her, stop dancing around the issue.
"Setting aside all the other reasons for our not living in the same place -- and there are many -- I couldn't stay in the same room with you and not touch you."
"But I want you to touch me," Lily said. "I liked it very much. I've been hoping you would do it again soon."
Zac had always chosen his clothes with great care so the lines would never be affected by his posture, but he hadn't counted on the effect Lily had on him. He couldn't tell his tailor he had to cut his pants so when his body got hard as a rock it didn't spoil the line. Not and keep a straight face.
He wished Rose were present. He'd have been willing to endure one of her blistering scolds just to have her spare him this part of the explanation.
"That's not all I'm talking about," Zac said. "When men and women sleep in the same bed they . . . It's considered normal for a married man and woman to . . . a man is only able to control himself so much," he finished up in desperation.
"Are you trying to say a man is anxious to make a baby?"
"Yes," Zac said, grasping at that straw of understanding, though a baby was the farthest thing from his mind.
"I know all about that."
"You know how . . . " He couldn't think of a way to finish his question.
She smiled. "You can't grow up on a farm and not know."
He breathed a sigh of relief. The worst was over. "Then you understand. If we had a baby and you decided you didn't want to be a gambler's wife any longer, you'd be stuck. This way, when you get tired of me, you can go away and pretend it never happened. I'll give you enough money to live comfortably until you find someone you do want to marry."
"But I don't mind being a gambler's wife," Lily said, her distress at his lack of understanding clear in her expression.
"Maybe not now, but you will soon enough. You'd hate it if you had to tell everyone the father of your children was a gambler."
"No, I wouldn't," Lily insisted. "I'd be proud. Besides, you're nice to look at."
Zac couldn't help but smile. But his thoughts were bittersweet. All his life he'd been told he was handsome, charming, amusing. Most people said it like it was something he should be ashamed of, or something he didn't deserve. Many times he'd been told his looks couldn't compensate for the serious defects in his character. He'd just as soon Lily not get the chance to come to the same conclusion. She was the only person in the world who didn't see anything wrong with him, and quite frankly, he liked it that way.
"I know you don't understand, but I'm doing this for you. You can't come here again. I'm going to tell the men at the door not to let you in."
"But--"
"No. You've got to do as I say. You don't think so now, but you'll come to hate being married to me. Then you'll thank me for what I've done. Now I'm going to take you back to Bella's."
Lily didn't move.
"Are you going to get up, or do you want me to pick you up and carry you?"
He hoped not. If he so much as touched her, he wasn't sure he could keep from carrying her upstairs.
"I was just thinking," Lily said getting her to feet. "I thought Papa was the most stubborn, pigheaded man in the world. But you are. And I had to be dumb enough to come all the way to California to fall in love with you."
"You don't love me. You only think--"
"Don't tell me what I think. Papa did that for nineteen years, and I'm quite tired of it."
Zac was startled at her tone. Lily had never come so close to being angry with him.
"At least I hope it's only pigheadedness," Lily added as she allowed Zac to open the door for her. "Whatever it is, I plan to show you you're wrong. I may be a mere woman, and I may have grown up milking cows and churning butter, but I do know my own mind. And whether you like it or not, Zac Randolph, I love you. Don't look so astonished. It may not be the thing for a proper wife to say, but it certainly isn't against the law."
* * * * *
Lily was relieved to find Bella alone in her parlor. "I need your help," she said without preamble.
Bella put aside the ledger she was studying. "How?"
"I need to buy a dress, red I think. I want it to be quite striking, but I don't want it to be shocking."
Bella's eyes widened. "Could I ask where you mean to wear this dress?"
"In Zac's saloon."
"You can't. He's forbidden you to go there again."
"I'm not interested in what Zac does and does not forbid. He's got some stupid notion I don't love him, that in a few days I'll be sorry I married him, ashamed to admit I ever married a gambler."
"And you won't?"
"I want to be married to him for the rest of my life."
&nb
sp; Bella took a minute to digest this information. "So what do you want this red dress for?"
"To wear at the saloon. I intend to personally greet every man who comes through the doors. I mean to make the Little Corner of Heaven the most popular saloon in San Francisco."
Chapter Eighteen
Lily avoided the saloon all next day. Zac had miserable luck at the gambling tables. To make matters worse, Chet Lee was on another winning streak. At the rate he was going, Chet would own his saloon before the month was out.
Quite a few men came in, saw Lily wasn't around, and left for their usual haunts. Since Zac didn't offer drugs or sex, he had limited his clientele from the beginning. He had banked on there being enough men in San Francisco who wanted a straight game in a nice place with good food served by attractive women.
There were. He had the most successful gambling house in the city, but the fun seemed to have gone out of it. His luck was so bad he didn't dare enter a game. He quickly discovered most of his enjoyment in owning the saloon had come from being able to gamble any time he wanted for as long as he wanted. Now that he couldn't, the bloom was off the rose.
Actually the bloom was on the lily, and Lily was all he could think about. It didn't help to have Dodie follow him into his office just to needle him.
"How's your bride today?" she asked, knowing full well Zac hadn't set eyes on Lily.
"She's all right. Bella is taking care of her."
"How do you know? I wouldn't be surprised if Lily could be gone for half the day without Bella knowing a thing about it."
"I trust Bella." He didn't want to talk about it. He was irritable and wanted to be left alone.
"I never thought you'd make a good husband, but I thought you'd at least take better care of your wife than you do of the girls who work in your saloon."
"Is that why you were so anxious to help Mr. Thoragood and his wife force me to marry Lily?"
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