Ahh, you deserve their love, Pamela. You deserve their gratitude.
“Shut the hell up.” I whispered the words to myself and closed my eyes. The voice was so frequent now, more than at any other point in my life.
Why, though, what had changed? For three years, the darkness in me had been relatively quiet, so this sudden resurgence made me nervous, to say the least.
At my feet, Oka pawed at my leg. I bent and picked her up and set her on my shoulder, keeping a hand on her. Touching Oka, the darkness pulled back. I sighed a breath of relief.
“She’s really something, isn’t she?” my cat said.
I kept my eyes neutral as I looked up at Sage. “Well, she sure as shit isn’t going to have me bowing at her feet, and calling her Mistress Sage, so yeah, I think this could be a bigger problem than I expected. I think we are going to have to leave soon.”
Sage glared at me while I kept emotions off my face. She knew I had magic in me, and that was threat enough for her.
“You think she’ll try to kill you?” Oka asked.
I snorted. “I’d like to see her try.” But Sage was the least of my concerns.
The darkness in me was only just beginning to make its bid, and I had no doubt the efforts to sway me were far from over. No, that instinct that had kept me alive the last three years whispered they were just beginning.
Chapter Nine
Oka and I watched as Richard and Sage climbed down from the back of the truck, their heads bowed together, their voices low. The attack of the werewolves on the caravan had to have rocked them. In the month I’d been with the group, we’d dealt with nothing worse than zombies, which were bad enough on their own, and in small numbers at that.
I frowned, watching Sage get more and more animated as she spoke. What I wouldn’t give to know what they were discussing. Luckily for me . . .
“Oka, you want to check things out?” I whispered, working to keep my mouth from moving too much. I didn’t want her to go so soon after the darkness had been egging me on, but it was necessary. We needed to know what Richard and Sage were discussing.
“I’m on it.” She leapt off my shoulder and trotted after them like nothing more than an innocent orange house cat looking for a handout and a head scratch.
While my little spy went to work, I took stock of my blades and checked myself over for any injuries I might have missed. The humans around me were doing the same, checking one another over for bites.
Because a bite would have meant an instant death sentence. There was no way they’d let a bitten human go to join another pack. Nor would they let them stay in the caravan as a protector. New wolves were too unpredictable. And the old wolves were too busy trying to make new wolves. I sighed, fatigue tickling at me.
I had no bites—not that they would have affected me anyway. I was not Immune, but I seemed to have some sort of low-end immunity to certain things. I’d found out the hard way being bit by a werewolf at the beginning of this new world.
The scar on my right forearm was deep, the teeth marks obvious. I kept it covered at all times, just in case.
But the humans didn’t know that I was safe. And I didn’t want to have to fight my way out if they tried to execute me.
I looked to the south end of the caravan where Macey had died. I needed to bury her.
I closed my eyes, seeing the blood pool around her head, hearing Susy screaming and Sunshine crying out. No . . . that was not now, that was then. I rubbed my hands over my face. What twisted trick of fate would bring me to a second Macey?
“She’s alive,” I said to myself. “Let it be enough for now.”
With a shake, I finished checking my limbs. Cleared of any new wounds, I turned and headed to the back of the truck where I could hear the chatter of the kids as they quickly snapped out of the horror show they’d just seen.
They hung around the truck, clinging to the pregnant woman, asking questions at a rapid-fire rate.
“Were those bad wolves?”
“Will they come back?”
“What is all that red stuff?”
Sweet baby goddess, I was glad it was her and not me trying to answer those questions.
I watched for a minute, fully ready to leave when Frost spotted me. His face lit up as he ran toward me, then tried to leap into my arms. He didn’t cry or even ask me one of those hard-to-answer questions; no, he just clung to me as I pushed him gently to the ground. He clung to my legs, his eyes looking up with such a certainty that I squirmed. Like he knew I had saved him.
I knew exactly how he felt, though, that need to be held after so much fear was intense. I patted his back. “You good, kid?”
“Yuppy doody, I am.” He grinned up at me and my heart stuttered, and my jaw dropped.
“Wha . . . at? Where did you hear that?”
He shrugged. “I dreamed it.”
I crouched down to him and stared into his face. There was no way he could have known those words . . . unless he’d seen Alex. Alex, my best friend from the first time I’d leapt into this world of monsters and demons, was also a werewolf. But he was gone, and there was no way he could be in Frost’s dreams.
I shook my head. No, Alex was nowhere close. He couldn’t be.
“You’re going to take care of us, aren’t you? The man in the cloak like yours said you would stay.”
I struggled not to let my mouth drop open wide a second time. “In a dream?”
“No, I woke up. He was beside me. He told us not to tell you.” His blue eyes widened, and he covered his mouth with his hands. “Oops.”
“It’s okay. I won’t say anything.” I rubbed a hand over those blond curls while my heart beat out of control. The one in a cloak could only have been Raven. But what did he have to do with this caravan and these kids? Why would he have spoken to them and not me? What was my father up to now?
“But you’ll stay?” he asked again.
“Yeah, for now.” Damn, I did not want to make a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep. Not with Sage acting the way she was, and the magic that begged for me to hold it tight. My skin crawled with images from my past, of children dying, of those children turning into zombies that thirsted for my flesh. I had to close my eyes as I fought to get control of myself.
The thing was, I wanted to keep the kids and this stupid caravan safe, and that frightened me. I knew what caring deeply cost when those people died.
But in that moment, I could admit at least to myself that a large part of me wanted to be given a second chance. To know I had a purpose, and that was to keep Frost and the other kids safe. Just the way Rylee and Liam had always taught me—to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves.
“Old habits die hard,” I whispered into his hair, and he looked up at me a frown creasing his tiny brow.
“What are habits?”
Yeah, hard questions. I smiled as I backed away from him. “Don’t worry about it, kid.”
I fought to shake off that need to protect them. Not because they didn’t deserve it, but because there was no doubt in my mind that at some point, I’d fail. I had no magic that I was willing to use. And when that moment happened, I would have to see them die.
Frost’s frown deepened. “I don’t have a mommy.”
He pulled back from me and I found myself staring into his deep blue eyes as my heart broke for him. Damn, this kid was good.
“I don’t either,” I said softly. I never knew my real mother, though she was the one that black magic came from. “But I found one. Maybe you’ll find one too.” He blinked up at me and I put my hand over his mouth before he could say what I saw in his eyes. “No, Frost. Not me. I’m not mom material. I’m sorry.”
Then the tears did start, slowly, trickling down his round pink cheeks. His little lips turned down and trembled as he backed away from me.
Goddess of all that was holy, all he wanted was exactly what I’d always wanted. A family, safety, love. A mother. Things I’d found in Rylee and her mismatched p
ack, things that I’d left in order to find myself.
I swallowed back the lump in my throat as he ran and hid himself behind the pregnant woman as she waddled carefully over to me. Name, what was her name? Damn it. When it came to people and their names lately, I had a shit memory.
“What do you make of it?” she asked, carrying one of the kids on her hip while another chased her ankles. Frost held onto the back of her skirt, hiding from me. They weren’t all her children, but she seemed to be charged with watching after them most of the time, since she couldn’t really help do much else in her current state.
“Chris, right?” I asked, and she nodded. I wasn’t sure that we’d ever met and talked before, since I’d made such an effort to stay on the periphery of the group, in order to keep from growing too attached. I dredged the name up from all of Oka’s spying. She kept me up to date on all the gossip she picked up when she was making her rounds.
Who was sleeping with whom, who was in trouble with Richard, who Sage was angry with.
The answer to that last one was usually me or Macey.
“I think they wanted the kids,” I said. “If it had been food only, they would have pulled the outside fighters into the woods and been done with it. If they wanted mates, they would have taken the women. They came straight for the kids, ignoring everything else.”
“No, you have to be wrong.” The horror in her voice made me really look at her. At the lines in her face, the fatigue and fear in her eyes. She put a free hand on her growing belly. “I’m sorry, but don’t you think you could be wrong?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t into false platitudes even at my age. “I suppose. But I don’t think I am. They were too determined. There was far easier prey they could have taken. It just means Richard and Sage need to take better precautions.”
I walked her back to a truck that had no blood splatter on it. Not Chris’s and the kids’ usual ride but it would do. “Hey, wait,” I said, and she turned. I gave her a grin and pointed at a different truck. “I know this is Richard’s special ride, but you four should go in it.” I pointed at the Humvee. No, I wasn’t in charge, but Chris didn’t argue, and the kids were excited to ride in a new truck. The Humvee should have been where they were in the first place, not Richard.
The children were watched closely here, but it was different. Like . . . they wanted the kids protected, but it felt more like show than truth to me, which I didn’t like. In theory, the children were precious to this group.
But then if they were so special, why weren’t they in the armored vehicle?
Unlike the rest of the people, I’d not been in caravans the last three years. I’d had no idea they even existed up until they’d stumbled on us at the river. Maybe the dynamic here was different than the others out there, I had no way of knowing.
But Richard, he thought the kids were something special, more than just because they were kids. And the way Frost had connected with Oka, I wondered if he was right. The addition of my father visiting the kids had alarm bells going off inside my head.
The thing with Richard was that he treated the kids special, but also with a bit of something else . . . fear wasn’t quite the right word, but it was close. Trepidation maybe?
I grabbed the door of the Humvee and opened it. “Here you go.”
Inside the armored truck were blankets and a few pillows. Enough for the kids to hunker down and sleep for a bit, which by the way they were dragging, they needed. After all the excitement, the down time was necessary, and for Chris too if her sluggish movements were anything to go by.
Frost grabbed my hand and dragged me into the Humvee after him. “Tuck me in, please. And sing to me.”
I glanced at Chris as she tended to the other two littles.
“Pammy?” Frost whispered. I tried not to visibly cringe at the name only one other person in this world had called me. A person who’d . . . no. I was not going there. Alex had called me Pammy. Alex had been the only other person to say yuppy doody that I knew of. Damn it, this kid was doing his best to get to me.
“What’s up, Frost?” I clenched my hand to keep from sweeping a stray piece of blond hair away from his face while he looked at me expectantly. Damn it, these kids were my kryptonite.
He frowned. “Are all wolves bad?” Ah, the question Chris had answered with an instant “yes, they are all evil.” I lowered my voice and leaned close.
“No, not all of them. Just like not all people are bad.” I smiled, thinking of Alex still. My best friend and a werewolf to boot. “Some werewolves are good. Amazing even. And hilarious. I knew one, he was the kindest, gentlest creature you’d ever meet. He was my best friend.” A flood of sadness washed over me, and I worked to block it from Oka. If she picked up on my emotions she’d leave her spying to come and check on me.
“What happened to him? Why isn’t he here with you then?” Frost asked, snuggling deeper into the blankets.
I looked up at the ceiling of the Humvee, just to have somewhere else to look rather than into those blue eyes that held so much trust. So much innocence.
It took me a minute to spit out three little words.
“I don’t know.”
In an instant, I was transported back to the day I’d broken the Veil with Raven’s and Larkspur’s help. Alex was trapped within the Veil beyond the souls of the dead, and by releasing him, I’d given him a second chance at life. I could still see him, still feel the weight of those golden eyes of his, seeing the trust he had for me and what I was doing.
My heart ached all over again as though I’d only just lost him. Before I knew his fate, Lark had whisked me away, and I didn’t see if he broke through, never made sure he was okay. I mean, I know he broke free of the deepest level of the Veil, because if he hadn’t, Lark wouldn’t have been able to break the world. Alex had been the key holding things together and I’d freed him.
In the three years since that moment, in all my wanderings, I’d not found any sign of him. I had begun to think of him as dead, because that was easier than thinking he wouldn’t come looking for me.
Besides, with the destruction and the upheaval, I think the logical, rational part of me was right. He likely hadn’t survived.
But in the darkest part of the nights, when the cold wrapped around me and I remembered my first friend, my heart still hoped he was out there. Even if he wasn’t with me, I hoped he was alive and well. In the wildest of my dreams, I imagined us stumbling across each other, our hearts drawing us together. Our embrace would be everything I needed and more, and he would never let me go again and my wandering would come to an end. I knew it would probably never happen, but it made me feel better to know it could, no matter how remote the possibility.
Frost pulled the blankets up around his round little chin and smiled to himself. “I want to meet him.”
I smiled down at him and cleared my throat before I pulled back. He seemed to have forgotten that he’d asked for a song. The only one I could have done was “You Are My Sunshine,” and when you were trying not to get attached to a blue-eyed cherub, even I knew that was a bad idea.
I patted him on the head, about as awkward as could be. “Me too, kid. Me too.”
I nodded to Chris as I shimmied out of the Humvee, seeing Macey a few feet away, a glower on her face. As usual.
The kids and Chris would be crammed in there, but at least they’d sleep better than if they’d taken one of the tents that were now stupidly going up.
Fuck me sideways, was Richard insane? We’d just finished fighting a pack of werewolves and he was going to camp on their still-warm blood?
Hell no, this was not happening.
I let my connection to Oka open more fully, following the ties that bound us together, pinpointing where she was and, by association, where Richard was too.
They were east of the camp.
“You told him all wolves aren’t bad?” Macey’s accusatory tone snapped me out of my head space and I slid to a stop.
“What?” I st
ared at her. “What are you talking about?”
I motioned for her to walk with me. I had to get to Richard and get him to see how stupid this was without full on calling him an idiot. Yeah, it was not going to be easy.
She fell into step beside me as I steered us east again toward the outskirts of the caravan. People were starting to assess damages, make fires, and set up camp. Morons. You did not camp where blood like this was spilled. Had they forgotten the other creatures out there?
Apparently.
“You lied to him. I heard you through the door of the Humvee,” Macey said.
I struggled to put the pieces together as my mind was already working on how to convince Richard we needed to move. She’d heard me? Then the puzzle clicked. Right, the Alex story.
I shook my head. “No, I didn’t lie. I knew a werewolf who was . . . well, he was my best friend.” I couldn’t stop the sorrow from creeping into my voice.
“Wolves are the reason I’m alone, Pam,” Macey said with more pain in her voice than I’d ever heard.
I slowed my feet and she sat on a protruding rock that had a flat surface, a perfect natural chair. She was quiet, and I took the opportunity to look around.
The spot we were in was sort of picturesque. A small creek ran alongside the trail we’d been walking, and the sound of it babbling along was easy on the ears. But I had a feeling the conversation with Macey would be anything but picturesque.
I didn’t really need to ask her the next question, but I think she needed to tell me and I could give her that much.
“What do you mean the werewolves are why you’re alone?” I asked.
“I mean, they killed someone I loved.” She glanced at me with an old pain in her light green eyes. Pain that I suspected was what had made her the way she was. Hard, angry, and mean as a snake when she was riled.
I couldn’t escape a sudden sensation that she was a pale reflection of me and what I’d lived through, what I could have been if my mentor hadn’t found me. I’d lost everyone I loved too, more than once. But I wasn’t as hard as Macey. Not by a long shot.
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