by Wendy Owens
“I was planning on coming over there and taking care of you all day,” Colin informed me, trying to make sure I understood his caretaking wasn’t an option.
“I told you, I’m fine,” I reiterated, wishing he would quit saying things that only made the guilt linger.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Colin said, unrelenting.
I paused. How could I say this to him? It was excruciating enough telling Paige about it. But she didn’t hate me… I had told her everything, and she still loved me as much as ever. Paige hadn’t given herself to me in the way Colin had, though. She hadn’t shared the most intimate details of the painful times in her life with me. How could he possibly not hate me for hiding these things from him? It needed to be in person—that much was for certain. “Can you come over?”
“Be right there.” And then he was gone—the line clicked, and it was dead. My heart started racing. This was it. He was coming straight over. There would be no more avoiding my past.
Looking down at the oversized pajama pants hanging from my hips, stained tank top, and sweatshirt draped over my frame I decided it was time for some fast-acting primping. If I was about to obliterate the perfect image Colin had of me in his mind, I at least needed to look like something he wanted to hold onto.
Rushing to the dresser, I left my dirty clothes in a pile on the floor, stripping them off like they were a layer of dead skin. I grabbed a pair of black leggings from the second drawer, and slid them on as quickly as possible. Next to where the leggings had been was one of my favorite thrifty finds—a knee-length, bulky knit, taupe sweater with a scoop neck that fell to one side, exposing a bare shoulder.
There was no time for a major hair makeover, so in a quick dash to the bathroom I grabbed a brush, and gritting my teeth, I forced it through the tangles. It wasn’t perfection, but it would have to do. The mascara residue under my eyes, however, would have to go. Licking my fingertips I wiped any sign of the previous night’s cry fest away.
Walking into the living room I began considering where might be the best place to have the conversation. Paige had left for an early morning fashion shoot. I had heard her complaining from the comfort of my bed. Apparently the photographer had been waiting for a good snow to do the shoot. Half naked in a snowy public park seemed like a less than ideal job to me. No matter how much that girl complained, though, I knew she loved it.
Shouting outside the window suddenly interrupted my thoughts. I had become accustomed to the noises of New York, but this was a little too close for comfort, and I instantly began worrying Colin might end up collateral damage in whatever the confrontation was. Leaning over, I peered out the window, and much to my horror I realized the source of the shouting was, in fact, Colin. He was in an altercation with someone who was out of my eyesight.
I wasted no time fleeing out the apartment door, scurrying down the steps, and bursting from the security door. When I saw Stryker in Colin’s grip, it was like the air got knocked out of me.
“Em!” Colin shouted, looking to my bare feet. “Get back inside.”
“What’s going on?” I cried, my mind having trouble processing the scene.
Colin shoved Stryker to the ground, taking a step back. “Nothing, except this guy can’t seem to take a hint.”
It was too late; the truth was catching up to me before I could find a way to share it. I shook my head no, and more than anything I wanted to rewind, to go back to the night before and do as Paige told me and go straight over to Colin to tell him everything.
“Em, I’m serious. You have to get inside. You don’t even have any shoes on,” Colin said sternly, narrowing his brow in my direction.
“No, you come with me,” I pleaded, stepping up and down repeatedly to make the cold more tolerable on my bare feet.
“Wait, no!” Stryker said climbing to his feet. “He’s not going anywhere until he hears what I have to say.”
Colin turned from me, glaring at the man that stood across from him in utter disgust. “You have nothing I want to hear. Now go.”
My stomach twisted in knots, and my head began to spin. Please, please God, just let him walk away. Leave us alone. Let me tell him myself. I promise, I will never keep anything from him again. Walk away. I wanted to shout, but I stood silent, helpless.
“What I’ve got to say, you’ll be glad you listened.” Stryker’s words were like venom. He was obviously bitter about the repeated beatings and rejections.
“Please William, just go,” I squeaked out. My voice caused Colin to freeze; he heard something in it that gave him pause. He stared at me, his beautiful eyes widening, his brow was no longer furrowed. Instead, he looked at me with utter confusion, and for an instant I thought I might actually see fear in his gaze. He could see I had a secret.
“Did you tell him anything, Clementine?” Stryker asked in my direction.
“Tell me what?” Colin demanded, not taking his eyes from me.
I couldn’t look at him. I stared at the ground, wishing somehow Stryker would simply evaporate before he could say another word, but he didn’t. He kept going, and I just stood there—silent—unable to think of a single thing to say.
“So, she didn’t tell you about our little meeting yesterday?” Stryker was positively reveling in delight as he shredded my biggest hope I’d had in as long as I could remember.
“Em, say something. What is he talking about?” Colin cried, the hurt on his face was too much for me to take. I shook my head. I couldn’t have this conversation—not like this. It was too hard as it was, and now with Stryker badgering me, it was simply more than I could handle.
“I can’t believe this. You two can have each other,” Colin said, waving his hands in my direction and turning to walk away.
He didn’t understand. It was obvious he thought I was cheating on him with Stryker. How could he think I would even do that to him?
“Colin!” I finally shouted. I could feel everything I had come to love slipping away from me. It was too late; he wasn’t turning back—he was gone. I’d lost him. Ruined this. Just like I thought, I broke people.
I had forgotten about my feet, which made sense considering I could no longer feel them. Stryker went on, saying a few things to me, but I really wasn’t listening by that point—everything had faded into a numb buzzing sound. I turned and walked back into my building, leaving William shouting nonsense behind me like a mad man. None of it mattered now that Colin hated me.
The past week had been a blur. When I first got back into the apartment after the altercation between Stryker and Colin, I managed to work up the courage to call him. Correction: I called him seven times, but he never answered, and a message didn’t seem appropriate. With the last call I decided to leave one—a simple, ‘I’m sorry.’
By the time Paige had gotten back from her job I was already packed. Of course she grilled me, demanding every detail. She seemed to think everything could be explained away, and I only needed to give Colin time to cool down. After he realized I hadn’t cheated on him, my past would seem like nothing in comparison.
Perhaps she was right, but I needed time to think it through. Part of me kept telling myself I should have never been with Colin. I knew when I came to New York that I was broken, and that was why I had sworn off love. It was inevitable, I would end up getting hurt and everyone around me seems to end up as collateral damage.
I decided to head home for Christmas break three days early, confident my mother would be able to piece some part of me back together. I couldn’t take seeing Colin at the coffee shop or around the apartment while I was trying to work through my feelings for him. I was certain when I returned after the first of the year enough time would have passed that I could handle the casual encounters.
I had sworn Paige to secrecy again before I left. Trying to convince myself a clean break would be best for everyone, I knew the easiest way for this to work would be for Colin to hate me. As long as he thought I cheated on
him, I wouldn’t have to worry about the charming Colin coming around, trying to fix things between us.
When I got home my mother smiled and hugged me, genuinely happy to see me, but she could see the pain I was in. She listened as I told her everything; she had always been that person for me, even when everything with Ashton happened. I don’t know if it was because my dad left us when I was young, but we had always been close like that. The comfort I had longed for on the flight home wasn’t there when I arrived. Telling her all of my woes relieved none of my pain.
“It’s him again,” my mom said, looking at my phone.
“Don’t answer it,” I replied, staring blankly.
“You’ve been home for a week now. The two of you have both had time to cool off—maybe talking will do you good.”
“No, I said I don’t want to talk to him,” I added firmly.
“You’re my daughter, and I’ll do as you ask, but even I can see he feels something very special for you,” my mom said, standing and running her fingers through my hair.
I didn’t respond. I knew Colin loved me, so that wasn’t my problem. The issue was that I loved Colin, too, and I couldn’t stomach the thought of doing to him what I had done to Ashton. I committed myself to Ashton, gave him my vows, told him I would be there forever. If walking out on him wasn’t enough, I basically told him to pull the trigger. I used people until there was nothing left of them. I wouldn’t do that to Colin.
Mom was my mother, so of course she would always be the one to tell me it wasn’t my fault, but she was blinded by bias. She couldn’t see the disease I was to the people around me. I just barely came into Colin’s life, and it had already started. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I always managed to find a way to hurt the people I cared about. It was simply who I was. I needed to get out of the relationship with him while he still had a piece of who he was.
Another minute passed, and the phone began to vibrate again. “He’s not going away,” my mom called from the other room.
Frustrated, I sat up, and without much thought I swiped my finger across the bar and pulled the phone up to my ear. For a moment we both sat in silence. At last Colin spoke, “Em?”
I didn’t reply. The sound of his voice made my stomach flutter, and I thought I might actually vomit. Instead I listened, waiting for him to unleash his fury on me. I needed to hear it; I wanted him to scream at me, to tell me what a whore I was, even though I hadn’t let another man touch me. I wanted something to make it easier to hate him back.
“Well, I’ll assume by the breathing I hear that you’re on the other end of the line, Em. We need to talk. I shouldn’t have stormed off like I did. I didn’t give you a chance to explain, and that was wrong. I’m sorry.” Why wasn’t he shouting at me? Damn it, Colin.
“We’re over,” I replied flatly.
“Please don’t say that.” His voice sounded strained, and I wondered if he had gotten much sleep in the past week. I know I hadn’t. “I love you, Em. I want to try and figure this out… no matter what happened. Don’t just give up on us.”
There it was, the Colin that I had trouble saying no to. I was glad I had decided to fly home, because I knew if that conversation had happened face to face, I would not have been able to resist him. I took a deep breath in. I needed this to stop because I couldn’t resist much more. “Don’t call here again.”
Instead of ending the call, I powered down my phone. There couldn’t be any further communication between us right now. I wasn’t ready for it.
My mom stood several feet behind me, staring at me until at last she said, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Christmas was two days away, and then New Year’s would come and go, so by the time I returned to New York Colin’s desperation would twist into anger. Anger I could handle.
I shifted the packages around, pulling one out of the bag after the next; I came across one I had gotten for Paige. In the frenzy to get home, I grabbed the bag of gifts, not taking the time to sort out the ones for my mom. I continued pulling items out of the bag until the entire tree was surrounded.
I then began repacking the items I needed with me to return back to New York: a cowl-neck scarf for the ever-fashionable Christian and some exquisite vintage jewelry for Paige, which I was certain she was going to love. Staring at the final box my heart sank. I missed him; I didn’t want to, but I did. The last box was for Colin. Pushing it into the bag with the other items I attempted to shove him from my mind.
“Oh, Emmie!” my mom squealed as she walked into the living room, the gifts under the tree coming into view. “Please tell me you didn’t break the handmade gifts only rule.”
“All right, now I promise like ninety percent of the stuff is handmade, but I saw something at this flea market, and it was so you that I had to get it. I suppose it qualifies, though, since the girl I bought it from made it.”
“You shouldn’t spoil me so much,” my mom protested.
“You’re my mom, it’s kind of my job,” I replied with a grin.
“Your gifts are in the sunroom,” she noted. “Just let me go and—” she was interrupted by a knock at the door.
“Want me to get it?” I asked standing to my feet.
“It’s probably Billy. I’ll get it. Your gifts are on the table under the window. Would you mind grabbing them and slipping them under the tree?” she asked.
Billy was the newest resident at The Grove and since coming home, I discovered he had been spending a lot of time with my mother. He seemed very nice, but with his longer hair and full beard it sometimes felt like I was looking at the cover of one of my mom’s albums from the seventies. I was glad she had met someone though; I hated the idea of her being lonely while I was away.
Retrieving the gifts, I walked into the living room and slid them under our Charlie Brown-like tree. “Mom, you ready to open some gifts, lady?”
“Emmie,” I heard her soft voice from the opposite side of the room. Turning to look at her I could see something was concerning her.
“Is everything all right?” I asked, standing. When I stood I saw a sight over her shoulder, and I thought my eyes were deceiving me. Paige and Christian were standing in the entryway, smiles beaming back at me.
I hesitated for a moment. “Hey girl, Merry Christmas!” Paige yelled.
“Oh my God! What are you doing here?” I cried, rushing over and collapsing into her open arms.
After a moment of screaming and jumping in place we finally managed to pull away from each other long enough for her to answer me. “You didn’t think I was going to have Christmas without my bestie, did you?”
“Are they always like this?” my mother asked, looking over at Christian.
“You have no idea. I think she likes your daughter more than her own boyfriend.” Christian laughed.
“Can you blame her?” I asked with a half-smile. “I’m positively adorable.
My heart was still racing; I couldn’t believe she was actually here. No matter what I was going through with Colin, nothing changed what had developed between Paige and me.
“Emmie…” Paige began. I looked to her, sensing the hesitation.
“Is everything okay?” I asked. Based on her sudden change in facial expression, I immediately began thinking of the worst possible scenarios. My thoughts shifted to Colin—he was the only reason she would look at me that way. I was certain the curse of Clementine had landed him in the hospital, or worse. I hadn’t ended things soon enough obviously.
“Don’t kill me,” she said raising her hands defensively. With that, I knew he was safe, but Paige might not be very shortly.
“What did you do?” I demanded.
“I may have told Colin a few things that you told me not to,” Paige whispered, wincing when she finished her sentence, waiting for me to unleash holy hell on her.
But I didn’t because part of me was glad he knew, though I would never tell Paige that. “What did you say to
him?”
She looked over at Christian and then to my mother uncomfortably. “Not much… He was flipping out after you hung up on him a couple nights ago, and he kept trying to call you back. He had it in his head you were with that Stryker creep and that was why you weren’t answering your phone.”
“Are you serious? That’s disgusting,” I snapped. It was becoming apparent that perhaps Colin didn’t know anything about me.
“Right? So you see why I had to set him straight.”
“Oh Lord, Paige,” I groaned. “Tell me everything you told him.”
“Not much, I swear. I told him he had it all wrong, and the minute he knew I had information he was relentless,” Paige stammered.
“Yeah. He can be that way,” I agreed.
“Tell me about it,” Christian interjected, obviously feeling slightly uncomfortable discussing his brother in the den of women.
“I told him he had it all wrong about Stryker and that he was a private investigator hired by your husband’s parents,” she explained.
“You didn’t!” I cried, the horror of it all on my face.
“Okay, I admit, that didn’t go over very well,” Paige continued. “I told him you’re not married anymore, but that I couldn’t tell him anything else.”
Christian leaned forward. “That’s when he decided we would all have to fly to Indiana during one of the most highly travelled holidays. That was awesome, by the way.”
“Shut up, Christian,” Paige said, delivering an elbow to his unsuspecting ribs.
“Wait, what? All? Colin came out with you?” My high from seeing my best friend on Christmas morning quickly faded into pure panic as I found out my ex was not far away.
Paige nodded, widening her eyes innocently. “He’s waiting for you by the car.”
Without a word I rushed to the front of the house, pulling the oversized cardigan I was wearing closer around my body and glancing out the front window. Sure enough, he was leaning against a black rental sedan, his ankles crossed, his face tucked down into his pea coat to avoid the harsh wind.