by Kris Kendall
****
Ten months later…
Claudette shook me awake the night of my eighteenth birthday to tell me Grandma Lou was asking for me. The alarm clock read a little after three in the morning, and I knew, even before I untangled myself from the sheets and from the arm and leg Kieran had thrown around me in his sleep, that this was it. My heart was in ribbons before I was even fully awake.
Kieran came awake as I was dragging my robe on. “Tessa?”
I didn’t glance back at him as I ran to the door. “Grams,” was all I said. I heard him lunge to his feet, hurriedly dragging on his clothes and scrambling after me.
Gram’s room was dark, lit solely by the lamp next to her bed. All the curtains were drawn, blocking out the full moon outside. I had known this day was coming for a few weeks, ever since grams began cutting out all light from filling her room, when she stopped speaking, when she started sleeping more and eating less. I knew.
“Grams?” I whispered.
The light shone over the clear oxygen tube pressed under her nose as she rolled her head towards the sound of my voice.
She looked frail. Yet she smiled when she saw me. “Come closer. It’s not time yet.”
I edged as close as I dared.
“Closer!” she rasped.
I moved until I sat beside her. She raised the hand closest to me and I grabbed it, careful not to press too hard.
“I’m sorry.”
The band in my chest tightened. “No—!”
She shook her head. “I didn’t want it to be tonight. Not tonight. Not on your birthday, but it doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.”
“It’s okay.” I shattered like glass.
Her fingers flexed in mine. “There are things I need to tell you.” When she was certain I wouldn’t interrupt, she continued. “The car, the house and everything in it, is yours—”
“Grams, don’t—”
“Quiet!” she scolded, shaking my hand. “I don’t have much time. In the study, in my writing desk, I have a notebook. Your mother’s number and address is inside. Make peace with her, Tessa girl. You owe it to yourself.”
“I will.” I would have agreed to anything.
“My bank accounts have already been transferred to your name. There isn’t much in there, but you’ll be okay for a little while.” Her gaze became intense. “I need to ask you to do something for me, Tessa.”
“Anything!”
“Don’t bury me. I know I have a spot next to grandpa, but I don’t want to be in the dark for the rest of eternity. Can you cremate me?”
The ringing between my ears was deafening. My entire body convulsed with every sob I tried to contain. But I nodded. I clutched her paper-thin hand to my lips and nodded as tears poured down my face.
“Take care of her. I’ll know if you don’t.”
A gentle hand rested on my trembling shoulder and I knew Kieran had come up behind me. I couldn’t look at him.
“I will. I promise.”
Grams turned her gaze back to me. “Take care of yourself, do you hear? Just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I won’t box your ears from the other side.” She offered me a small smile. “I love you.”
“Tessa…” Kieran pulled me away, pulled me to my feet, and broke my connection with grams just as her fingers went slack in my grasp. His arms banded around me, forcing me into his chest, into his heat and comfort. His hand cupped the back of my head, pushing my face into his shoulder, refusing me the chance to look back.
I beat against him, only vaguely conscious of my wails muffling the sharp blare of machines as everything flat lined. I thrashed and begged for her to come back, but he held me. His warm breath tickled the hairs at my temple.
“I’m sorry, Tessa. I am so sorry.”
Then I was just clinging to him, my last lifeline; the only thing holding me together. He guided me from the room. I let him. Claudette hurried in as we left. Kieran took me downstairs. He set me down at the kitchen table and started to pull away.
“Stay,” I whispered grabbing his hand.
“Let me make you some tea first.”
I shook my head, pulling him back to me. “Just… stay with me. Please?”
He gathered me back up into his arms, resting his chin on the top of my head. “Always,” he promised.
I closed my eyes as the house I grew up in shifted around me, humming with its own grief. A heavy blanket of sorrow soaked the air. The only peace was right there, in Kieran’s embrace. He was my rock, had been for months. He had been unwavering in his support and in his affections. He made me laugh when the world had felt bleak and cold. He held me, loved me, trusted me to keep his secret. And I knew I would never have made it through that night without him.
“I love you,” I whispered into the soft material of his shirt, speaking the words for the first time.
He tipped my face up, smoothed away my tears with the pad of his thumb and peered adoringly into my eyes. “Love you, too, Tessa.”
And I knew I would never be alone again.
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