“You want me to read it?”
“Yes,” he said. “I can’t make sense of it.”
He looked away as I took the letter and sat in his desk chair. He rested his elbows on his knees like I had seen Jagger do plenty of times before. I took a deep breath and started reading.
Dear Dad,
Thank you for coming to my graduation. It was great seeing you, Rachel, and Mom there.
I want you to know how much I’ve appreciated everything you’ve done for me in my life. I know you were disappointed I enlisted, but I really think this is the right place for me. I think things will be really good. I know you’re proud of the man I became and I have to say that I’m proud of myself, too.
I’m leaving Great Lakes soon and wanted to take this chance to say my good-byes to the people I love. I didn’t say anything at graduation because I didn’t want anyone to worry. I cannot say where I’m going.
I know you weren’t happy about my joining the Navy instead of going to college. But this was my decision, and it was the right one to make. I will never regret it.
I’ve also written a letter to Mom and I’m also writing one to Sierra. By the time you read this letter, I’ll be gone. I’ll be in touch when I can.
Love,
Jagger
“Where is it?” I said, my voice hoarse. “Where’s my letter?”
I tried to stop myself from thinking the worst, but I could see from Phil’s expression that that’s where his mind was, too. He handed me a large manila envelope with my name scrawled across the top.
I ripped the flap open and looked inside. It was filled with letters. I pulled one out and stared at my handwriting across the envelope.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
Reaching back into the envelope, I pulled out another, then another. It was all of the letters I had written to Jagger. The envelopes had been opened, but the letters were still inside.
Flipping the manila envelope over, I dumped its contents onto the desk. Phil started to grab the envelopes with me, turning them over as we looked for the letter Jagger wrote me.
“Where is it?!” I said, my voice catching as my throat tightened.
Phil picked up a small white envelope that made a sliding sound. He flipped it over, and I recognized Jagger’s handwriting from his father’s letter. Phil held it out to me, but I froze. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to know the answer to the puzzle, if there even was an answer. I didn’t want anything to confirm what I feared the most, that Jagger was dead.
“Open it,” Phil said softly. “We need to know.”
With a trembling hand, I took the small white envelope from him. Whatever was inside slid down and made the envelope heavier on one end. Taking a deep breath, I chewed my lip as I slowly opened the envelope. Something fell to the floor.
Holding the envelope, I knelt down and picked up a ball chain necklace. As I lifted it, I saw a metal oval dangling from the end.
NO!
Memories of my mother receiving my father’s dog tags rushed into my head. My vision blurred and I tried to blink away the tears, but I had no control over them. I closed my hand around the cool metal and looked inside the white envelope, but I couldn’t see anything.
“The letter,” I cried. “Where’s the letter?”
I handed Phil the envelope and he looked inside and shook his head. Next he started pulling out the letters I wrote to Jagger. He unfolded each one and flipped them over, looking for a sign, a note, anything from his son. I knew what he was doing because it was exactly what I would have done if my tears hadn’t blinded me.
Wiping the tears with my fists, I opened my hand and read the embossed oval tag.
MYKA, JAGGER
739746393 O POS
CHRISTIAN
Feeling my legs go weak, I dropped into a nearby chair. My chest ached as I stared at the tag. Memories of my mother’s pain, mixed with my own from losing my dad so long ago flooded me. They mixed with my thoughts of Jagger and the tears started all over again.
I shook as my emotions ripped through me, forcing sobs from my throat. Phil wrapped his arms around me and as much as I wanted to run away with my tears in private, I felt comfort in his arms.
Neither of us said anything. We didn’t know exactly what happened, but we didn’t need the truth to smack us across the face. We had to accept what we already knew. Jagger was dead.
***
Christmas was solemn. Phil reached out to Jagger’s mom, but Melanie refused to talk to him. We didn’t want to have a service without Melanie there so we decided to wait until she was ready. Phil knew Melanie would have more details, but he didn’t want to press her.
I couldn’t stay in San Diego anymore. Everywhere I looked, I saw Jagger. His blue eyes, his half smile, all of it was imprinted on my brain. I didn’t want to forget him, but I needed some distance. I needed something to fill my mind so that I wasn’t obsessing about him. I had to stay busy.
Returning to Greystone was my saving grace. And so I wouldn’t have to go back home on breaks, I took the job with Chef Bleacher. I dove even further into my culinary education. I made everything about that just so I wouldn’t have the time to think about him.
But Jagger was always with me. Whenever I ran across Annie Hall on TV, saw a blooming dahlia, or sometimes when the wind blew a certain way, I thought of him. I kept the photos and videos he sent me and watched them often. As time passed, I had less tears and more laughter as I watched him gyrate and hip thrust towards the camera. He might have been gone, but I promised myself I would never forget him. Ever.
Part Two
Five Years Later
~ Thirteen ~
Sierra
“Please hurry, Sierra, we’re going to be late,” Brayden said.
“Okay, okay. I just forgot some last minute things I wanted to bring for Issy.”
Brayden appeared in the doorway. His hair was neatly brushed back and still a little damp from his shower. He had on a cotton button-down shirt and a pair of khaki pants. As always, he looked perfectly put together.
After two years of working together, Brayden and I started dating. Then a year ago, he proposed and I moved into his Napa Valley estate. Things were good between us, but after his pushing to get married and my pushing to keep things the way they were, we decided we were better off as friends.
“Is Issy home?” he asked.
“I’m not sure, but I figure I’ll leave it with her mom just in case. I know she’ll be home for Christmas sometime after her graduate exams. She was telling me how she and Simon were dividing their time between their families.”
I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth.
“See, they’re not married, but they’re splitting their time between families,” he said. “I never understood why you wouldn’t meet my family. They’ve heard a lot about you.”
“I…I know. It just didn’t feel right,” I said. “And now it would just be weird.”
“Weird? You know if I thought things could work out between us, I’d do anything for you. Why can’t you do this one thing? We’ve been living together, we were engaged to be married, what more is there?”
I looked at the ground as I searched for the answer. Ending our relationship didn’t change much between us. We still lived together, we just didn’t share a bedroom anymore. With Brayden so busy, he was rarely in the house anyway. Unfortunately, there were times when Brayden acted like we were a couple still and not just friends.
“It’s him, isn't it?” Brayden’s voice was harsh. He was usually very mild tempered and laid back, except when Jagger came up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t explain it. I know he’s gone, but I…”
Can’t give up hope.
“It’s ridiculous. I can’t compete with a ghost,” he said.
“I know, that’s why we ended things,” I said softly.
Brayden stormed out of the room
I finished packing my bag and looked
around the room to make sure I didn’t forget anything. The room was bright as the sun streamed in through the balcony. I looked out the sliding glass doors and saw Brayden loading the car. Behind him were acres of vineyards.
It had been a long time since I had been back to San Diego. Brayden had transitioned his popularity into a cable network show, which required him to travel to New York City a lot. He didn’t have the time to manage everything else, so I took over the catering part of Bleacher Enterprises.
“Is that everything?” he asked as I came downstairs.
“Yes. Sorry I’m running behind.”
“And I’m sorry I can’t manage this event for you. I know how much you’ve avoided going back home.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ve been running from my memories long enough.”
“I can always find a stand-in for you. Then you could come out with me to the East Coast. You’ll love New York at Christmas.”
“You know how much I hate the cold.”
“What if I promised to keep you warm?”
I smiled at him, but my heart wasn’t in it. It had been a long time since I had come to terms with what happened to Jagger. I couldn’t explain why lately everything started flooding back.
I couldn’t ignore that he had been gone for five years. Five years was the magic number, he was my five-year bad luck charm. It was funny how things had changed. Back then I never imagined there would come a day when I wished he’d come back into my life. Now, my life was empty without him.
The flight from Napa to San Diego was quick. Just before I got off the plane, Brayden reached for my hand.
“I’m sorry about earlier. You know how much I hate rushing.”
“It’s alright. I understand,” I said.
“You sure you don’t want me to stay in San Diego with you? With the event tomorrow, I can rearrange my schedule in New York and then we can fly out east together.”
“No, it’s alright. I’ll probably head back home after a couple of days. I just can’t bear to be in that house. It brings up too many memories. Besides, the Wounded Veterans’ function should be a piece of cake.”
“You realize it’s by the Naval base, right?”
I sighed as I nodded. “I’ll be alright.”
“Well, if you need anything, just call me.”
***
The event was to honor wounded veterans, and it took place in an oversized, open-air tent along the San Diego waterfront. It was impossible to forget how close I was to the Naval base. Large combat ships, cruisers, and destroyers dotted the seascape like a real life game of Battleship.
While I expected the ships, I wasn’t prepared for the uniforms. I got a crash course on dress uniforms, service uniforms, and working uniforms. No woman could resist a man dressed like this, and it made my chest ache that I never got to see Jagger in one.
Everywhere I turned, things reminded me of him. I was distracted and couldn’t focus on what I needed to do. Luckily, I had a good crew working for me to make the event a success despite my being less than one hundred percent.
It was an unusually hot December day and I was regretting wearing my chef’s coat. I was checking on an ice display that looked like it was melting faster than it should be when I looked up and saw a man in a blue Navy dress uniform that froze me.
Time stood still as I watched a tall man with black hair neatly parted on the side shake hands with one of the organizers. I had no doubt in my mind that it was Jagger despite how impossible that sounded.
I raced after the man but lost him in the crowd. As I looked for him, I spotted the organizer he spoke to and caught up to him.
“Excuse me, but that man. The one in the uniform you were just talking to. Do you know him?”
“He just introduced himself,” he said as he scratched his bald head. “His name was…well, I’ll be damned if I remember his name. Impressive young man. He didn’t say anything, but I saw the SEAL Trident on his uniform.”
“Do you know where he was going?”
“No, no, he seemed like he was in a rush.”
For the next hour, I chased after a ghost. I stopped several men with the same build, hair, and uniform, but after embarrassing myself too many times, I gave up.
I had to accept that San Diego would always be filled with ghosts for me, and sometimes they’d appear more real than others. Five years wasn’t enough time to make me okay with Jagger’s death. No amount of time would do that.
And as I sat near the awards dais, I watched as hundreds of servicemen and women told their stories and reminisced. They were all the lucky ones, the ones who made it back. My heart was still broken for two men who didn’t.
***
After the event, I went to my mother and Phil’s house, the same one Jagger and I lived in after high school. It was my first time back there since graduating from the Culinary Institute of America. As the taxi pulled up in front, I realized nothing had changed about the house. Everything looked exactly the same.
As I entered, I was reminded of Jagger stepping foot through the door that first day. I looked up and saw the loft just beyond the balcony. Walking further into the house, I entered the family room where he recorded the videos I still regularly watched. I was pathetic and I knew it, but how I felt about him never changed despite how much time had passed.
“Oh, it’s so good to see you at home,” Mom said as she stepped out of the kitchen and hugged me tight. “Not that I don’t love visiting you in Napa of course. You know you didn’t have to take a cab, Phil and I would have picked you up.”
“I know, but I wasn’t sure what time it would end.”
“Are you alright, sweetie?” Mom touched my cheeks and then my forehead. “You’re looking a little pale and you feel clammy. Come into the kitchen and I’ll get you some water. It’s hot out there and you’re not used to this weather anymore.”
I sat at the kitchen table as my mother poured me a glass of ice water. Phil entered from the backyard and kissed me on the cheek. His eyes looked a little red, like he had been crying. It was probably just his allergies acting up.
“I didn’t hear you arrive,” he said.
“She just got here. I’m worried she might be a little overheated or something.”
Phil looked towards the backyard and then sat next to me.
“How are things in Napa?” he asked.
“They’re good. I’ve been busy with work and I was invited to teach a class at my alma mater.”
“That’s wonderful,” Mom said. “And how’s Brayden? How are things with him?”
She patted my hand, and I realized that out of habit, I had put on my engagement ring. I shook my head.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately,” I said. “This whole trip back to San Diego has made me a little crazy.”
“What do you mean?”
I looked down at the floor, then over to the counter. A smile forced its way onto my face as I thought of Jagger and the time outs. It wasn’t just the sex that made me smile; it was how comfortable we were together. Everything felt right when I was with him.
“Sierra? Are you all right? Is it Brayden?” Mom asked.
“No, you know it’s not Brayden. It’s Jagger. He’s been gone for five years, and I still haven’t been able to get over him. I don’t want to forget about him, but I feel like something is holding me back. Deep down I feel like what we had isn’t over, but he’s gone so I need to move forward.” I let out a big sigh and looked from my mom, to Phil, then down to my phone. I wished Jagger’s name would light up the screen. “I saw him today. I was checking on some things, looked up, and there he was. I know it couldn’t have been him. But I can’t help it, I really think it was. I’m going crazy, Mom. I just don’t have another answer for it.”
“Maybe you need to meet someone new, go out on a date,” Phil said.
“Are you serious? I think dating is the last thing I want to do,” I said.
“Just one date, a blind date. No strings,
no ties, just two people meeting for dinner. What do you think?”
“I think you’re crazier than I am. But I’m hallucinating. I suppose it can’t hurt. It can’t make things worse.”
“Great, I know just the guy,” he said.
“You do?” Mom asked.
“I do. What about tomorrow night, Sierra? Is that too soon?”
“Do you think you can make it tonight?” I asked. “I might be in the loony bin by tomorrow night.”
“I’ll see what I can do, but I’m sure it won’t be a problem.”
~ Fourteen ~
Sierra
I felt like a child as my parents dropped me off in front of The River House for my blind date. I couldn’t believe I said yes to such a crazy idea, but getting out of the house and meeting someone who would know nothing about Jagger made sense to me.
“He said he’ll be here at six,” Phil said.
“And he was okay with this last-minute set up?” I asked.
This guy must really be a loser. Guess that makes him perfect for me.
“It’s just a date, sweetie,” Mom said. “Give us a call if you want a ride home.”
“No, I’ll be fine. Remember when I used to work here? Chef Lowe and I have become good friends. I might hang around until close so we can catch up. He usually works nights here.”
As I entered the restaurant, I was comforted by the warm woods and soft piano music playing. The place hadn’t changed since I worked there years ago. I walked up to the hostess and she looked at her reservation book.
“Do you have a reservation?” she asked.
“No, I–”
“Without a reservation, I can’t guarantee a table for you tonight.”
Tease: A Stepbrother Romance Page 9