by J. H. Croix
I took a gulp of my coffee, pondering when and how to talk to my mother or anyone in my family about it. As if she could read my mind, my mother glanced up, her way too perceptive gaze coasting over my face. She finished a bite of her eggs. After a sip of coffee, she angled her head to the side. “Your friend Susan called me.”
Fuck. Susan was my only friend from Oregon who knew everything that had gone on. She happened to be there one time when I had another bouquet of flowers show up at my apartment—another unwanted bouquet that I promptly stuffed in the trash bin outside, only to find an email the next morning berating me for not appreciating a small gift.
Big girl panties. The only person you need to face now is your mother.
As much as I judged myself, I had faith she wouldn’t judge me.
“What did Susan say?”
“Well, she told me what’s been going on with that man. Why didn’t you say something? Is that why you came home?” my mother asked softly.
My chest felt tight, and my gut started churning. All of the comfort I’d soaked up during the last week of being here disappeared instantly.
“I wanted to come home anyway,” I finally said. “Everything going on with Lance pushed me to make a decision. I’m just hoping now that I’m not working at the same place, he’ll forget about me. I don’t have much hope he can’t track me down. My bio from work used to have my background listed.”
I didn’t know how much Susan had told her, but since Susan knew it all, I was guessing my mother did too. My mother was quiet, her eyes narrowing.
“Mom, I’m sorry…”
“Oh hon, you don’t need to apologize for anything. I’m angry at whoever the hell did this. Susan told me he’s been harassing you online for over a year, is that right?” At my nod, she continued, “I’m going to talk to your father tonight and find out what we can do.”
My father was the chief of police here in Willow Brook. He always wanted to make everything right. Yet again, my parents would be sweeping in to help me, just like after the accident. It felt like whenever I tried to take control of my own life, something happened that wrenched it out of my control.
After the accident in high school, my family rallied around me, helping me with my recovery, spending days and nights in the hospital afterwards. Caleb had now pulled me out of two car accidents. I was trying to rescue myself for once.
“Isn’t this why you wanted to come home? Because you would be safe here, and you wouldn’t be alone.”
I fought to keep from crying, but tears rolled down my cheeks anyway. “I wanted to come home because I missed it. I’m so tired of ending up in situations where other people have to take care of me. I was handling it. I’m still handling it. If you tell Dad, he’s gonna…”
My mother shook her head sharply. “That’s what people do. They help each other. Would you blame a friend if this were happening to them? That’s half of strength—asking for help when you need it. I’m not keeping this a secret from your father, so don’t ask me to,” my mother said flatly.
“And that means Cade will find out and everyone,” I muttered, referring to my older brother. Who I adored by the way, but he didn’t need to worry about me either.
My mother took a deep breath, pausing to take a sip of coffee and then lasering me with her gaze. “Your brother loves you. I wish you had said something sooner. I can’t believe this has been going on for over a year.”
I wanted to stomp my feet, but I was also relieved. Because she was right. I’d been stubbornly trying to deal with this on my own, and I couldn’t. I looked over at her, knuckling my tears away. “I know,” I finally said. “I just kept thinking it would somehow stop.”
My mother stared at me quietly, her gaze becoming steely. “People like that don’t stop until they’re made to stop.”
The tension balled in my chest and heart for so long started to ease slightly. “Fine. I know you’ll want to talk to Dad, and I’ll deal with it. If you can wait, I’ll tell him myself.”
My mother reached across the table and squeezed my hand quickly. “Thank you.”
We ate quietly for a few moments before she spoke again. “How about you tell me about your new job? Or better yet, I noticed Caleb gave you a ride home last night.”
I felt my cheeks heat, but ignored it. “Mom, it was just a ride home.”
I elected not to fill her in on the fact that he’d kissed me senseless and nearly melted me in the parking lot behind Wildlands. She’d probably be ecstatic. But I wasn’t ready to go there. Not just yet.
“So, my job. As you know, I accepted a position on the faculty at UAA in the environmental studies department. I’ll be teaching a few courses every semester in their hybrid program, which is a combination of online classes and on campus. I’ll go to Anchorage once a week, but otherwise I’ll be able to work here. It works out perfect for me. I figure one trip to Anchorage every week will be easy. If you need me to do any shopping, I’m your girl. I just need to find a place to stay soon.”
My mother’s features tensed. “I’d rather you just stay here for now. At least then, you’re not alone.”
I met my mother’s steely gaze. For a moment, I wanted to argue the point. Because I was sick of what Lance had put me through. Though he’d never approached me outside of work, I’d hated being alone when I’d randomly receive emails or texts from him.
I finally shook my head and sighed. “Let’s just see what happens, Mom. I won’t do anything stupid. I’m hoping now that I’m gone, it’ll be out of sight, out of mind for him.”
I took another sip of my coffee and stood from the table. “I need to get ready to head into Anchorage for the day.”
My mother nodded, standing with me before I had a chance to turn away. She pulled me close for a hug, squeezing me tight. My mom was a big hugger, every hug gave me a chance to absorb her strength for a moment. I stepped back, feeling stronger than I had in a long time.
“What are you doing today?” I asked.
“Going to the library, of course,” she offered with a smile.
Later that day, I walked down the hallway at the university. I’d met a few of my colleagues, and so far, everyone was quite nice. It felt good to be somewhere new, where I could focus on my research and teaching and not worry about someone watching my every move.
While I didn’t have an office here because it wasn’t necessary, there was a swing space that was used by a number of faculty members who worked from a distance as I would. There were faculty members from all over the state. Geographically speaking, Alaska was a sprawling state, by far the largest in the country. It was a fifth the size of the entire United States. Yet, it felt small in other ways. When you lived in a place as remote as this, bonds built quickly. Everyone made sacrifices to be here. The love of the land and its spectacular beauty and wildlife made it all worthwhile.
As I drove back from Anchorage, I felt the ball of tension that had been held tightly somewhere between my heart and my belly start to loosen slightly. It felt so damn good to be home. The drive from Anchorage to Willow Brook was gorgeous.
Vistas of the mountains were in one direction with the ocean on the other as the highway rolled through the wilderness. Autumn in Alaska was lovely, a kaleidoscope of oranges, yellows and reds. Unlike some parts of the country, Alaska didn’t have as many hardwood trees with so many evergreens covering the state. Clusters of birch and cottonwood turned yellow and orange in this part of the state. The wild variety of bushes created an explosion of color low to the ground, rich reds and purples dancing under your feet. The hills rolling in front of me offered bursts of color in between the trees.
As I approached Willow Brook, I spied a cluster of moose nibbling on alder trees beside a field. Though it was early autumn, there was a sense of quickening in the air with the days getting shorter so fast. People who weren’t from Alaska often asked if the winters were miserable here because it was long, dark and cold. I would never argue that I loved those dark month
s, but there was a peaceful quality to them. Autumn felt alive, that last burst of energy before we settled into the quiet of winter when the days were shorter and the nights longer.
Before I reached Willow Brook, I turned off the highway into a viewing spot. Climbing out of the car, I walked over and leaned against the railing. This particular spot offered a view of a lake on the outskirts of Willow Brook, nestled in a valley between the mountains. A few trumpeter swans floated serenely on the surface with the sun casting a pink glow over them as it slipped down the sky.
I breathed in deeply, smelling a hint of wood smoke in the distance. When I climbed back into the car, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out, I glanced down to see a text from Caleb. Just seeing his name had my pulse quickening. I wanted to see him so badly. I wondered what he would think of my years away. I’d tried to run and let the wildness take over at first, partying a bit too much, flirting a bit too much, yet never letting things go any further because it just didn’t feel right. I’d tried to chase the pain away, only to find that that wasn’t possible. It was only when I faced it that it eased.
Meet me for dinner?
I stared at his text, my thumbs hovering over the screen. While I was busy telling myself I should wait to reply, my thumbs were ahead of me.
Sure. Where?
Firewood Café. Quieter than Wildlands.
Ok. What time?
I can be there in 10.
I’m about 20 minutes away.
See you in 20.
Staring at my phone, I contemplated what I wanted. Actually, I didn’t have to contemplate what I wanted. I needed to contemplate what I was going to do about what I wanted. I wanted to have it all—to get back what was taken from us in an ugly accident. I wanted to lose myself in Caleb because I sensed he could give me the escape that I craved. I wanted to get back in touch with myself and to not be afraid and skittish. I wanted to not feel like an object. Oddly, even though Lance never once touched me, the way he stalked me online had made me feel like nothing other than an object. I hated the feeling.
With Caleb, I felt nothing but real. All the pain I’d tried to escape anchored me in the depth of emotion running between us.
As I started my car, I considered that I was currently staying with my parents. While I was an adult, it was a courtesy to let them know my plans. I knew I was not going home tonight. But that meant a rather awkward phone call. My mother was no prude. “Fuck it,” I muttered to myself.
I contemplated texting her, but I knew that would lead to nothing but questions. As I pulled out of the viewing spot, I called her, tapping on my speakerphone in the car.
She answered on the first ring. “Yes dear?”
“Hey Mom. I’m calling to let you know I won’t be home tonight.”
“Oh, ooo-kaayyy,” she said slowly.
“I’ll be with Caleb,” I explained, deciding to cut straight to the point.
I prayed she didn’t ask more questions. If I ended up coming home, that would be fine too.
I could hear the smile in her voice when she replied. “Okay dear. I’ll just let your father know you’re with friends.”
“Mom, you know I’m twenty-six years old, right?”
“Obviously I know how old you are dear. I’m the one who gave birth to you,” she said with a chuckle. “I appreciate you had the courtesy to let me know, especially after our conversation this morning. But it’s not like your father won’t wonder where you are, so I have to say something. Although truth be told, he’d be thrilled to know about you and Caleb. You know my feelings on that,” she said pointedly.
I swallowed my sigh. “I do, Mom. Can I get off the phone now?”
Another soft laugh from my mother. “I appreciate your call. Real quick though, can I ask you one more thing?”
“Sure.”
“Are you okay with it if I talk with your father tonight about our conversation this morning?”
God, I loved my mother. I knew it would probably kill her to sit on this, but she wouldn’t say anything if I asked her to wait. “It’s fine, Mom. I’m sure he’ll want to talk to me about it, but there’s time for that later.”
Her sigh was audible. “Thank you dear. Tell Caleb I said hello.”
“Geez Mom. You tell him the next time you see him. Which I’m sure will be any day now.”
At her laugh, we said goodbye. With my pulse quickening and anticipation searing through my veins, the rest of the drive to Willow Brook felt endless.
Chapter Seven
Caleb
There was an edginess to Ella, a restless, heightened quality. Looking at her across the table, all I could think was it was so damn good to have her back home. We were just finishing dinner, and it had been the longest period of uninterrupted time I’d had with her since I could recall. Her brown hair fell in a tousle around her shoulders. Her cheeks were flushed slightly, the green of her eyes standing out. I could’ve looked at her for hours, if only because for the first time in way too damn long I had the opportunity to do so. Maybe, just maybe, we’d get a chance to write a different ending for ourselves this time.
I wasn’t kidding myself. In between the time since I saw her at the hospital after her minor car accident and then again the other night, I’d shifted gears inside. After ten years of telling myself I had no choice but to let go and move on, she was here. Back to stay. I was under no illusions that things would be simple. Yet, I thought maybe we had a shot.
Everything about Ella was colored by more than one lens for me. First, there was the fact that she’d been my high school love. Let’s face it, young guys aren’t exactly known for their brilliance in high school. Especially not when it came to matters related to girls. I doubted any man would argue that his cock was a brilliant decision maker.
I’d have been lying through my teeth if I said my initial attraction to Ella had been about anything other than lust. I’d started out in lust with her and then fallen in love with her. I had enough sense to know that phase of my life was what it was. Then, there was the tangled mess of the accident. The accident that had been no one’s fault except for the man who’d been drunk and driving recklessly down the road. For the four of us in that car, his reckless decision had left Jake dead and scars—literal and metaphorical—in its wake.
I’d been so angry with Ella when she broke up with me, too hurt to see through to the other side of it. Reeling already, to have her shut me out had been like a slice to my heart. Even worse, I’d been worried sick about her. She was in the hospital for weeks, which felt like forever at the time. If you’d asked me to explain why I was angry, I couldn’t have told you. I supposed I felt abandoned at a time when I needed her and when being there for her was something I needed.
The intervening years had helped me come to terms with Jake’s death. Sometimes all you could do was accept that life wasn’t fair and that shitty and sometimes tragic things could happen to anyone. I’d also gained some perspective on how Ella must’ve felt back then. My injuries had been far more minor than hers. She’d been in pain and carried so much more guilt since she’d been driving, if only by chance.
Even though Ella had always been in the back of my mind, I’d mostly convinced myself we’d never have a shot again. Now we did, and I’d be damned if I’d allow it to slip through my fingers.
Janet James, the owner of Firehouse Café, was checking on a couple beside us and then stopped at our table. She snagged an empty chair nearby and sat down. Reaching over, she squeezed Ella’s shoulder. “It’s so good to have you home. You have no idea how happy I was when Cade told me you were here to stay.”
Ella grinned. “It’s good to be home and good to see you. How have you been?”
Janet, with her dark hair shot through with silver and her twinkling brown eyes, glanced between us. “I’m fine, busy as ever. Please tell me this means something.”
Janet was utterly shameless, and I didn’t doubt she had her own opinions about what should be happening b
etween Ella and me. For once, I was on board with her meddling, but I’d follow Ella’s lead. I simply shrugged and chuckled. “We’re having dinner.” Glancing over at Ella, I saw her cheeks pinken slightly. Fuck me. All it took was a flush on her cheeks to send a bolt of lust through me.
By no means were my feelings for Ella purely sexual, but damn she made me fucking crazy. She always had back in high school. I’d loved the contrast of how beautiful she was with her slightly wild edge, and yet she was such a book nerd. Her grades were definitely more important than me back then. She’d been a challenge for me, and I’d loved every minute of it.
Ella met Janet’s grin and rolled her eyes. “Just dinner.”
Janet smiled as she stood up when her name was called from the kitchen. “I couldn’t help but tease. You’ve been gone too long, so it was overdue.”
At that, Janet turned away, replacing the chair she’d borrowed from the other table before quickly collecting our empty plates and hurrying toward the kitchen. Ella watched Janet walk away, her eyes scanning the small café. It looked much the same as it had back when we used to come here after school.
Aptly named Firehouse Café, it was housed in the town’s original firehouse from the early part of the twentieth century. The upstairs has been converted into storage. What was once the garage for the fire trucks was now the café. The concrete floor was stained a soft blue with small round tables scattered around. The fire pole was painted with whimsical fireweed flowers, and local artwork rotated on the walls. The deli counter was to one side with the kitchen behind it. Janet ran this place on her own and had for many years since her husband passed away. The café opened daily at five in the morning for coffee and baked goods and remained opened through lunch and into an early dinner.
Ella’s eyes made their way back to me, her cheeks still flushed. “It’s still the same,” she commented.