by J. H. Croix
Yet, once the winds of autumn blew in, things tended to quiet down. Taking a deep breath, I glanced around the café, absorbing the feeling of just being home again. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t visited. Yet, it felt different knowing I was here to stay. I could appreciate being here in a way I hadn’t during brief visits.
Holly started to say something when her phone buzzed. Holding her finger up for me to wait, she answered the call. I took a sip of my coffee and let my thoughts roll through the past twenty-four hours. I hadn’t seen Holly since the other night at Wildlands when Caleb gave me a ride home. I was debating whether I wanted to share anything about Caleb with her just yet.
But Holly was my closest friend here, and I wasn’t sure if I’d lost my mind by giving into my need for him last night. In fact, I felt half crazy. Everything was so much more intense than it had ever felt before. So many of my memories from our youthful love had been swamped by the accident. Now, I felt like a foolish schoolgirl. So foolish that if Caleb had asked me to marry him this morning, I probably would’ve said yes.
Yet, I didn’t know if I was thinking clearly, and I couldn’t shake the feeling I didn’t deserve to have Caleb. It wasn’t just how good it felt to be with him – so amazing I couldn’t even put words to it — but that I felt so secure with him. The nagging fear that Lance had thrown into my life dissipated when I was with Caleb. I was convinced Caleb could hold my fear at bay. All of the self-doubt that had taken root so strongly in the last year or so made me question everything. Because, you see, I kind of had a thing about needing to take care of myself. Twined into that was the guilt that clung to me from the accident—guilt that I didn’t deserve something good because Jake had died and somehow I should’ve been able to keep it from happening.
Logic wasn’t winning this internal battle.
Once I’d finally been open about how deep my survivor’s guilt ran, my therapist had gently pointed out that perhaps I should stop running from what I’d had with Caleb, that perhaps I was punishing myself when I broke up with him. I’d wanted to scream when she said that—if only because it was like she’d shined a light into the darkness I carried in my heart.
She’d pointed out the obvious fact we hadn’t had closure. Fuck closure was about all I’d been able to muster about that. Everything had gotten so tangled up—there was the accident, survivor’s guilt, my own serious injuries and the fact I’d had to rely heavily on my parents for a while, more so than I would have if I hadn’t been injured. Hovering was insufficient to capture what it had been like the last two years of high school before I left for college.
There was all of that and then my academics, which had become a life raft for me. Lance with his creepy stalky behavior had managed to ruin the one thing that had been my oasis for so long. The one area of my life where I felt confident and in control was in my research and teaching. He had muddied those waters so completely that even that didn’t feel good anymore for me.
I gave myself a shake when Holly said my name. I’d been staring blankly out the window.
“I’m sorry, what was that?” I asked.
“Zoning out much?”
At my shrug, she continued. “Okay, let’s get the crappy stuff out of the way first,” Holly said, taking a big sip of her ridiculously sugary drink and leaning her elbows on the table.
“I have no idea how you drink that,” I said, eyeing the whip cream drizzled with caramel and piled on top of her coffee.
Holly rolled her eyes. “Just like I have no idea how you deal with that bitter shit you like. Anyway, crappy stuff first.”
Holly couldn’t have known, but this almost made me cry. Not in the mood to burst into tears in the middle of town, I took a gulp of my coffee and the moment passed. Crappy stuff first was a rule we had made up back when we were much younger. The deal was if we had something hard to talk about, we had to do it first.
“Okay, what’s the crappy stuff?”
“I can’t believe you have to even ask that! The whole thing with your stalker guy. Please tell me you talked to your dad about it and please tell me he’s on it.”
This was definitely a crappy topic, but Caleb’s idea for us to switch phones had made my life incredibly easier. It was such a small thing, but knowing I didn’t have to worry about suddenly seeing a flurry of nasty texts was a massive relief. I figured now was as good a time as any to explain she’d need to call me on Caleb’s number. Conveniently, she knew my parents’ home phone number by heart, so she had called the house earlier today when I stopped by to change after my night with Caleb. I’d been beyond relieved both of my parents had already left for work.
“My mom talked to my dad. I was planning to talk to him more tonight.”
Holly leaned back in her chair. “Have you heard from asshole again?”
“That’s the thing. I don’t know. I had dinner with Caleb last night, and I got a bunch of texts from Lance. Caleb saw them, and aside from the fact that he kind of freaked out, he suggested we switch phones. Maybe it’s crazy, but now I won’t even know. At first I thought it was a weird idea, but now I’m so relieved.”
Holly’s mouth fell open and then she gave her head a shake. “Caleb is fucking brilliant. But then I knew that, plus he adores you. All right, we don’t have to dwell on it, but as long as you promise me you’re going to talk to your dad, I’m good. And I’m going to call Caleb and thank him. I guess I can just call your number?”
“Yup. He’s got it. It’s my personal number, so I can just tell everybody here to call me on Caleb’s and it’ll be fine.”
“Okay, crappy stuff over. You had dinner with Caleb last night?” Holly asked, moving on briskly.
I felt my cheeks heat, but I nodded. There was no sense in hiding this from Holly. This town was too small to try to hide much. I might not know what the best move was right now, but Holly was my friend and she would be honest with me.
“He texted me when I was on the way back from my day in Anchorage. So we had dinner,” I explained.
Holly circled her hand in the air, taking another sip of her coffee and quickly wiping the whipped cream off of her upper lip with a napkin. “There’s more to it than that because you’re blushing,” she said pointedly. “Please tell me this is some kind of amazing second chance thing. Pretty please. My love life sucks donkey, so I want to live vicariously through you.”
“What do you mean? Are you…”
I meant to ask if she was okay, but Holly waved me off. “Oh God. I’m fine. Just going through a looong dry spell, that’s all. Back to you and Caleb. What happened?”
“I don’t know what it is yet but, well, we spent the night together last night.”
Holly squealed, and a few people looked our way.
“Would you keep it down? Please,” I hissed.
Holly shrugged. “No one knows what we’re talking about. Anyway, was it amazing?”
I felt my cheeks getting hot. Again. Having not spent too much time with Holly lately, I’d forgotten how direct she could be. Catching her sly gaze, I shook my head. “I’m not about to give you all the details here.”
“Oh, I don’t want all the details,” she said with another wave of her hand. “Good god, that’s weird. I just want to know if it was amazing.”
I opened my mouth to say something and instead burst out laughing.
“I take it from how red your face is that it was,” she offered with a wink. “Good. I always hated that you two broke up.”
Despite the tragedy of Jake’s death, Holly had faced it head on. That was a lesson I wish I had learned sooner. Now given the chance to do it over again, I wouldn’t have tried to bury myself in ways to distract me from my grief. But I couldn’t do it over. Back to my point though, Holly and I hadn’t spoken much about my break up with Caleb in the aftermath of the accident.
At the time, she’d been dealing with her own grief just like all of us. Jake had been her boyfriend. It was hard to say how serious they’d been. With Jake his best frie
nd and Holly mine, they were tossed into impromptu double dates all the time. A few months prior to the accident, they’d made their relationship more than just casual. Suffice it to say though, I hadn’t felt right pouring my woes out to her about Caleb when she was muddling through her own grief.
The whole thing had been a tangled mess. Holding myself to my new commitment to face things, I took a deep breath and met her gaze straight on. “What do you mean?”
“Look,” she said, the sly grin fading from her face and her gaze sobering. “Back when everything happened, you were in the hospital, Jake was dead, and we were all hit hard by what happened. I’m not sure exactly what you were thinking, but I hated that you and Caleb broke up afterwards. We never really talked about it, and I understand why. I mean, I’m guessing you and pretty much the whole world were afraid to talk to me about anything else that might be hard.”
I took a fortifying sip of coffee and nodded. “That about sums it up,” I said softly.
Holly reached over and squeezed my hand. “I was a mess too. And I was scared for you. I mean, you were in the hospital for three weeks. That felt like forever back then. Once everything wasn’t so crazy, I just felt sad that you and Caleb weren’t together. You never told me why you guys broke up.”
Even though therapy had helped me with a lot, I hadn’t even considered how much had been left unsaid after the accident. I gave Holly’s hand a squeeze and let it go. “I told him I thought we should take a break, and then we had a fight about it. Afterwards, it was like we kind of broke up with each other, although I started it. I was just… well, a mess and not thinking too clearly about anything. You’re right too. We didn’t talk about it after that. He graduated and left, and I just wanted to get through things.”
Holly eyed me for a long moment, a rueful smile crossing her face. “I broke the rule,” she said as she swirled some whip cream onto the end of her straw.
“What do you mean?”
“The crappy things first rule.”
I shook my head. “This is a different kind of crappy. This is more just sad. None of us can bring Jake back, but I suppose we can maybe clear the air.”
“No air needs to be cleared with me,” Holly said emphatically. “I just wish you’d let go of it.”
“Let go of what?” I asked obtusely, though I knew where she was going with this.
Holly stared at me for long enough that I shifted in my seat. Setting her coffee down, she leaned her elbows on the table. “Okay, here goes. We’ve talked about this before, but I’m done being nice about it. Every single time the accident comes up or I even mention Jake’s name, you get this awful look on your face. I know you. I know you feel guilty, but you couldn’t have stopped the accident. You know that! That guy crossed into our lane. No one could have changed what happened. No one.”
Her eyes glistened with tears, and her words came out forcefully.
“Holly, I didn’t mean…”
“You didn’t upset me. Jake died. We all lost him. I just hate how you still feel bad. It’s enough to grieve, but stop beating yourself up. Just stop it.”
Staring at her, my thoughts circled. In my mind, I knew she was right. It was my heart I hadn’t been able to convince. The tightness there eased just a little at the force of her words. Strangely, the weight I’d carried for so long felt a little lighter. Her frustration and clear hurt on my behalf somehow pierced through the guilt in a way that talking hadn’t before.
On the heels of a deep breath and a fortifying sip of coffee, I managed to breathe through the emotion thick in my chest. “I’m trying. I really am. That’s a big part of why I finally came home. If running wasn’t going to fix it, I might as well try the opposite.”
Holly was quiet, the fierce look in her eyes softening. “Good. I missed you like crazy.”
We were quiet for a few moments. I savored my coffee and felt the intense emotion settle inside. She paused to take a few sips of her coffee concoction. After a moment, she caught my eyes, smiling softly. “Okay, back to Caleb. I’m glad you’re giving him a chance again. I always thought you two were meant to be together.” When my eyes widened, she nodded firmly. “Maybe it’s silly, but it’s true. Even with Jake, he was more of a friend than what you and Caleb were to each other. When I think back to high school, you two were about the only couple who really seemed like… I dunno, like it mattered.”
My heart thudded suddenly. I wanted her to be right. My curiosity spiked. “So, has he been serious with anyone since I’ve been gone?”
Holly cocked her head to the side, drumming her fingertips on the table. “Well, he hasn’t been here the whole time. I mean, he was gone for college, then he went away for training and was in Fairbanks for a while. I can’t speak to any of that time, but I’ve never once heard he was serious with anyone. I wouldn’t call him a player though. He dates here and there, but that’s about it. He’s hot as hell and there are plenty of women who would be happy to tie him up, but that’s about it.”
I couldn’t help it, but a little thrill of satisfaction shot through me. It wasn’t as if I thought I had a claim on him, but he’d always been tucked in the back of my thoughts—I’d wondered how he was doing and who would be lucky enough to catch him. It seemed no one yet.
On the heels of that, my thoughts sobered. Despite Holly’s giddiness at the thought of Caleb and I getting back together, I couldn’t think clearly about it. At all. My plan in coming home had been to simply try to come to some sort of peace. I’d had this idea we’d talk and take things slow. So much for that. I’d blown that up within a short week. I’d come skidding into town in a ditch—literally—and then stumbled right into Caleb’s arms and the best sex I’d ever had in my life.
To say I was rushing into things might be an understatement. I looked over at Holly and sighed. “I might need to pump the brakes though.”
“Why the hell do you need to do that?”
“Because it’s been ten years, I just moved home, and I’ve got more than enough on my plate, including an asshole obsessed with me. I don’t want to rush into anything.”
“Sounds like the perfect time to lose yourself in some hot sex,” Holly said bluntly.
I felt the heat rolling up my neck and face again. I took a gulp of coffee, throwing a glare at her.
She shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Oh, get over yourself. You don’t have to solve world peace, you don’t have to decide what’s going to happen in the future right here and now. Maybe you could try to stop freaking out about everything.”
At that moment, the bell above the door jingled, and I reflexively glanced over my shoulder. My older brother Cade and his wife Amelia walked through the door. They’d stopped by my parents’ house a few times since I’d been home this week. I waved at Cade, and he caught my eye and winked, nudging his chin up. Amelia called over, “We’ll be there in just a few.”
Holly snagged an empty chair from a table nearby. Within a few minutes, Cade slipped into the chair beside me and Amelia beside Holly. Amelia beamed at me. “It is so awesome to have you home.”
Cade and Amelia had gotten back together a few years ago after a messy break up years earlier. I’d been so relieved they’d found their way back to each other. Cade had been on the cranky side the entire time they’d been apart—which had been seven years by the way. Now they were back together, Amelia had softened him again.
I looked to him, nudging him with my elbow. “Hey Cade.”
He glanced down, running a hand through his shaggy brown curls, his green eyes crinkling at the corners with his grin. “Hey Ella.”
Fleetingly, I wondered if our dad had filled Cade in on things with me. I hadn’t seen my mother since our conversation yesterday, but I knew she talked to my dad because she’d texted me, and Caleb had forwarded the text to his phone. Shaking those thoughts away, I glanced to Cade again. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
He shrugged. “Quiet day. And my crew’s not on call.”
Amelia asked Holly something about her hospital work schedule and then Janet stopped by the table. It was so good to be home. All of the tension and worry that had been knotted like a vise around my chest eased when I was surrounded by friends and family like this.
A few days later, I stopped by Willow Brook Fire & Rescue. I was there to pick up a set of car keys from Cade. He’d all but ordered me to take his extra truck, insisting it was mine to keep. Considering that I didn’t want to keep borrowing my mother’s car, I’d decided to take him up on his offer for now.
As I stepped through the front entrance into the station, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d see Caleb. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I was staying with my parents, I had to admit I would probably be camped out at his place all the time. He wasn’t above trying to cajole me into it either. He’d already done so in a few calls and texts.
The option of having my own vehicle was appealing for more reasons than one. Because, you see, it wasn’t that I felt the need to hide what I was doing, but constantly using my mother’s car to see Caleb… well, she would probably be ecstatic about it, and I had some dignity.
Being home, I was starting to feel more relaxed than I had in years. Truth be told, a huge part of it was the fact I didn’t have my phone. Caleb had point blank told me he wouldn’t be letting me know when texts from Lance showed up. Now that it was all out in the open with everyone, the shame around it was starting to fade. Shame wasn’t a rational feeling, yet it had held me back from being open about this earlier. I kept replaying everything in the lead up to when it all started and wondering if I’d done something wrong to provoke Lance.
Cade and Amelia had stopped by for dinner at our parents’ house the other night as well when he and my father discussed the whole mess. Between my dad and Caleb, I was starting to have sprouts of hope that perhaps somehow they’d be able to stop Lance once and for all, so I could find some peace.