“What happened to you?” I whispered.
“Your mother,” he said, sorrow thickening his voice.
“My mother?”
“She was everything to me, and she’s gone now. Bethaney is gone, too. I have nothing left.”
“How could you do the things you did to me?” I asked, refusing to think about what he’d just said.
“You were a reminder that your mother didn’t love me—at least, not the way I loved her. I tried to give her everything, yet she still strayed.”
“It wasn’t my fault that she cheated! I can’t believe the things you put me through just because you were angry with my mother!”
“It didn’t matter. You were there every single day, living in my house. You were a constant reminder of what she’d done. I couldn’t take it.”
“Why did you hurt Beth when I left?” I asked.
The fight in me was gone. The man I’d wanted to hurt no longer existed.
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t be serious. You don’t know?” I stood and backed away from him. “I hope that my mother’s memory haunts you until the day you die, David. I want you to suffer day after day just like I did.” I stepped around him and walked to the door.
When I opened it, he called out, “Jade?”
“What?” I spit out.
“I…I saw you on TV with that band. Your mother would have been proud of you. She always loved you. She was just too afraid of me to tell you.”
I turned to face him one last time. “It’s too bad that I couldn’t be proud of her. All those years, David, you tried your hardest to destroy me. I want you to know you didn’t. When I left here, I found a new family, a family who loves me. I found my place in life right where I always wanted it to be—behind the drums you hated so much. I found someone I care about, and he doesn’t think I’m worthless or in the way. I found a best friend who has taken care of me when I’ve needed him the most. I found myself, and after today, I will never look back. The minute I walk out this door, you are dead to me. You will rot away in this house by yourself, knowing that no one in this entire fucking world gives a damn about you. And while you’re here, do you know where I’ll be? I’ll be out there—living, laughing, loving. I fucking found myself, and you’ll never take that away from me. Good-bye, David.”
I left him on his knees. I wanted that to be my last memory of David – bleeding, defeated, and broken. I walked back to the car and climbed in without once looking back.
Logan looked worried as he stared at me. “So?”
“It’s done. Let’s go.”
“What’s done? Jade, what did you do?”
I knew he was worried that I’d done something stupid.
“I punched him and kicked him in the balls. Then, I told him I hoped my mother’s memory haunted him for the rest of his life. That’s it. After that, I just walked out,” I said calmly.
“That’s it?” he asked, surprised.
“That’s it. What did you think I was going to do?”
He shrugged. Then, he started the car and backed out of the driveway. “I had no clue. I never know what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“Neither do I, Logan. Neither do I.”
Logan stopped at a pizza place and grabbed us dinner before heading back to the hotel. I hadn’t even realized how late it was getting. By the time we made it to our room, the sun was starting to set. Like the night before, we sat on my bed and ate dinner. I tried to focus on the TV, so I didn’t have to think about today. I wasn’t calm enough yet to think about my words to my dead mother or the look in David’s eyes.
Once we finished the pizza, I grabbed clean clothes and walked to the bathroom. “I’m going to shower,” I called over my shoulder.
I turned on the water and stripped down as it warmed up. Once it was hot enough to burn me, I stepped into the spray. My skin was bright red within seconds, but I didn’t care. I was trying to wash the past off of me. I scrubbed my hair until my scalp was screaming at me to stop.
After I rinsed out the shampoo, I grabbed the soap and a washcloth. I started running it over my skin roughly, but I barely noticed the pain. I just wanted a fresh start, and I couldn’t do that if I didn’t wash away every trace of the past. I wasn’t satisfied with the washcloth, so I dropped it to the floor and started running my nails across my skin. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t stop.
I just want to be clean.
I looked down to see that my nails had clawed deep enough into my arm that I was bleeding. I screamed and hit my fist against the side of the shower stall. When that didn’t help, I slid down the wall and brought my knees up to my chest. I couldn’t stop the cries of despair pouring out of me. I just wanted to let it all go, and I wasn’t sure if that were even possible.
I looked up when the stream of water stopped. Logan was staring down at me with a horrified expression.
“Oh, Jade.” He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me.
I clung to him as he lifted me from the floor and carried me to my bed.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Don’t be sorry. You can’t control how you feel right now.” He reached for my arm and turned it over, so he could see the scratches I’d made. “These aren’t too deep. I can bandage them up if you want.”
I shook my head. “They’re fine. I don’t know what came over me, Logan. I was fine one minute, and then it was like a switch flipped in my head. Am I going crazy?”
“Of course not. Today was nuts. I would have worried if you didn’t freak out. You can’t let your emotions bottle up inside of you. If you do, they’ll eat you alive.”
“I thought I would feel better once I saw them again. I thought that all the pain and anger I’ve kept inside would magically disappear. It didn’t, and now, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do to make everything better.”
“I wish you could make it go away all at once, but there’s nothing you can do. You just have to keep living and let yourself heal. You’ve spent the last six years focusing on the things they did to you instead of the things happening in your life. Look at where you are now, Jade. You’re living your dream! You have so many people who care about you. You have to focus on those things and let the past stay where it belongs—behind you. It won’t happen in a split second. It’ll take time and patience.”
I thought about what he’d said. He was right. I had a new family now. I’d even pointed that out to my sister and David. I needed to think about them instead of my past. Logan, Eric, Drake, and even Adam were my family now. Chloe was, too. Those people were the ones I needed to focus on.
“When did you get so smart?” I finally asked.
“I’m not sure. I think it was when I talked to this really hot drummer chick one night. The love of my life had just married another man, and I was pretty down, but the hot drummer chick made me realize a few things.” He smiled down at me.
“Hot drummer chick? When can I meet her? I think I have a lot in common with her.”
He moved until he was lying beside me on the bed. It was only then when I realized I was wearing nothing but the towel he’d put around me.
“You’re different from anyone else I’ve ever met, Jade. You didn’t give up on me, even when I’d given up on myself. You have no idea how much that means to me.” He stared down at me with a troubled look on his face. “Did you mean what you said at the cemetery?”
“Which part?”
“That I’m part of your future.”
I grinned at him, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. “I guess I did. I mean, like I said earlier, I’m not expecting a ring or anything. I don’t know how to say this right. I’ve wanted you for a really long time. Now that we’re kind of together, it just feels right. Does that make sense?”
He smiled. “I’ve spent the last nine months trying to figure out what I wanted when it came to you. You’re so different from any other girl I’ve ever met. You don’t need anyone.
You’re so independent that I wasn’t even sure you’d really want to be with me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, and I still don’t know. I want to be with someone who needs me. It kills me to know that you don’t.”
“You’re so wrong, Logan. I do need you. You kept me together more than once today. Just a few minutes ago, you pulled me out of that shower and helped me. I need you so damn much, and that scares me. I’ve never needed anyone.”
He leaned down and kissed me. I kept one hand clasped on my towel, so it stayed in place as my other hand went to his neck. I pulled him toward me until part of his weight was on top of me. Feeling him pressed against me was like nothing else I’d ever experienced. I felt safe, like Logan could shield me from the world.
“I’m falling in love with you. I think I have been for a while,” I whispered against his lips.
He stilled for a second before kissing me again. His lips attacked mine with a ferocity that took my breath away. His tongue slipped into my mouth and caressed mine. I moaned and wrapped my other hand around his neck, no longer worried about my towel. His lips moved to my neck, and I tilted my head to the side. He moved up to my ear and bit down gently on my earlobe before slowly kissing his way down to my shoulder.
“Your skin is so soft,” he whispered.
I didn’t say a word as he kissed lower. When he reached the top of my towel, he gave me a questioning look. I nodded, giving him the permission he was asking for. He slowly pulled the towel away, and then I was completely naked. I felt heat rise to my cheeks as he stared down at me.
“You’re so beautiful, Jade.”
I practically felt his hunger as his eyes moved down my body.
He stopped his appraisal when he noticed the script on my ribs. “What does your tattoo say?” he asked as he leaned in closer.
I shut my eyes and rolled to my side, so he could read the script. I had the words memorized.
You cannot destroy me. Only I can destroy myself.
“I had it done a few months after I ran away,” I said quietly.
“It’s true. People can affect your choices, but they can’t change the person you are.”
“So, I made myself a closed-off, bitter, old cat lady all by myself?” I asked, half-joking, half-serious.
He laughed. “You’re too hot to be the little old lady with all the cats. I promise you that.”
“You think I’m hot?” I asked innocently.
He leaned down farther and kissed the script on my ribs. “I do.”
His lips continued to explore me as he rolled me back over. He kissed a trail to my belly button and dipped his tongue inside. I gasped in shock. He kissed his way back up to my face, making sure to avoid my breasts. Then, he kissed along my neck again. I wasn’t sure if he was torturing me on purpose or not.
“I want you to kiss me everywhere,” I said.
He shook his head. “I told you last night that I wasn’t going to move too fast with you, and I meant it. I’m not going to screw this up with you.”
“You won’t, I promise. I just really need you tonight, Logan. Please. I want you.”
When he shuddered, I knew that I’d won.
He pulled my face to his and kissed me deeply. “Promise me something before we go any further.”
“Anything,” I said against his lips.
“If you ever decide that you don’t want me, you tell me. Don’t try to hide it or force yourself to love me, okay?” He pulled away from me enough to look down at me.
The pain in his eyes broke my heart.
“Oh, Logan. I won’t do what she—I’ll never hurt you, and I won’t lie to you. I promise.”
Chloe had hurt him so badly. Even now, he was still thinking about what she’d done to him.
“I can’t go through that again. I can’t give someone my heart and watch as she stomps on it before throwing it away.”
I reached up and grabbed the sides of his face, forcing him to stare directly into my eyes. “No matter what happens between us, I will never hurt you. I’ve wanted you for so long. I’d be a fool to cast you aside. Since I met you, you’re the only man I’ve thought about.”
He smiled down at me, and I saw relief fill his eyes.
“Thank you, Jade.”
I pulled him back down to me, and I kissed him. He didn’t hold back this time. Instead, he threw everything he had into that kiss. It was like an invisible wall had been between us, and it was gone now. I knew deep down that he was still scared, but in time, he would see that I meant what I’d said. I would never hurt him. He was all I wanted. I’d spent so much time wanting him that it felt surreal to be lying here with him.
He sat up and pulled his shirt over his head. After tossing it aside, he leaned back down and started kissing me again. I moaned as our naked skin touched. I ran my hands down his chest and ribs. He shivered at my touch, and I smiled. I felt powerful and sexy and so many other emotions that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
I shoved on him gently until he rolled to his back. Before I lost my nerve, I rolled on top of him. He seemed surprised, but he grinned up at me.
“It’s been a really long time since I’ve done this, so bear with me, okay?” I asked.
“Somehow, I doubt you’ll disappoint.” He rested his hands on my hips.
I leaned down and kissed along his neck and then down to his chest, teasing him like he had teased me earlier. My hands explored every ripple of muscle on his stomach as my tongue darted out and attacked his nipple. His body jerked in response. I slowly kissed my way down his stomach to the top of his jeans. I reached down and undid the top button with shaking hands. Once it was loose, I slowly unzipped his jeans. When I sat up and started tugging on them, he grabbed me and dropped me onto the bed beside him.
I watched with rapt attention as he stood and lowered his jeans. He kicked them off and climbed back onto the bed, never taking his eyes off of me. I couldn’t stop my eyes from lowering and taking in all of him. His fingers grazed my cheek, and I raised my eyes up to meet his. He gave me the sweetest smile possible, showing off his dimples, and I felt myself melt.
Dear God, he is so beautiful, and he’s mine.
“You’re sure?” he asked quietly as he ran his fingertips down my arm.
I nodded, unable to speak.
“Are you on anything?”
It took me a moment to realize what he was talking about. Birth control. Shit. I wasn’t. I’d had no reason to be. I’d spent the last six years on my own. Babies and pregnancy-scares had been the last things on my mind.
I shook my head. “No, I never had a reason to be.”
“It’s fine. I have condoms in my wallet.”
I raised an eyebrow, and he grinned.
“Hey, I didn’t come down here, expecting anything with you. I’d just rather be safe than sorry.”
He reached down and grabbed his jeans off the floor. After pulling his wallet out of the back pocket and grabbing a condom from inside, he threw them back down. I watched as he put the condom on the table beside the bed and turned back to me.
“You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, Jade.” He leaned in and kissed me gently.
As he moved his body over mine, I moaned. I could feel his dick against my thigh, hard and ready.
“I’m nervous,” I whispered after I broke the kiss.
“Don’t be. I won’t do anything you don’t want to do. If you’re unsure, we’ll stop now.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t want to stop. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”
“Let’s see if I can distract you.”
He started at my neck and slowly kissed his way down my body. When he reached my ankle, he started his way back up. The kisses were gentle and sweet. When he reached my inner thigh, my breathing increased. I felt fire flood my veins when he kissed higher. His breath tickled my skin when he reached the apex of my thighs. He pressed a light kiss where my body needed him the most, and I moaned loudly.
“Is
this okay?” he asked.
“Yes.” My voice cracked.
He continued to press kisses between my legs. When I felt like I was going to explode from all his teasing, he pulled away. I groaned and opened my mouth to beg him to stop teasing, but his mouth was suddenly against me. My back arched off the bed as he ran his tongue across my clit, and then he sucked on it gently.
“Oh my God!” I gasped as my hands grabbed for the sheets, and I fisted them tightly.
This was new to me. Mikey had never tried anything like this with me.
Logan sucked and bit down gently, never giving me a chance to catch my breath. I felt myself building, and I tensed when I came undone. His mouth never left me as he worked me through my orgasm. When I finally came back down to earth, he pulled away and kissed his way up my body, stopping at both of my breasts to tease them. When he kissed me, I could taste myself on his lips. I wasn’t sure if I was disgusted or more turned-on by it.
He grabbed the condom off the table and ripped it open with his teeth. All I could do was lie there as he rolled it on and then moved until his body hovered over mine.
“Are you ready, babe? I can’t wait anymore after tasting you. If I don’t fuck you, I might die right here and now.”
I reached up and pulled his face down to mine. I kissed him viciously, letting him know that he had my permission to do whatever he wanted. He could have tied me to the bed at this point, and I would have let him.
Taking my kiss as a yes, he lowered his hips and pushed into me. It was uncomfortable at first, but he went slow, giving me time to adjust to his size. I relaxed my body, letting him fill me. Once he was in, he stopped. I wiggled my hips, silently begging him to move. I felt totally and completely filled.
Toxic: Logan's Story Page 12