Beth snorted. “Yeah, well, he sure isn’t the same kid you left behind. I can promise you that.”
I opened my mouth to ask her what she’d meant by that.
Logan interrupted, “Let’s get out of here.”
We walked to the car in silence. I knew the minute we dropped off Beth, Logan would start asking me questions.
“You didn’t mention how much of a dick Mikey is,” Logan said as soon as my sister got out of the car.
I sighed. I’d known this was coming, but I didn’t really want to talk about Mikey. He was part of my past, a past I didn’t want to visit anytime soon. I just wanted to move on from here.
“He can be a dick. He can also be really nice. It depends on the day.”
“Today was obviously a dick day,” Logan said as he glanced over at me.
I snorted. “Yeah, I’ll say it was. No complaints when you’re stiff, huh? What the hell was that?”
He gave me a tiny grin. “What? He pissed me off. I didn’t mean to say it. It just slipped out.”
“It was stiff, but it slipped out? Sounds like you’ve got a real problem there,” I said as I tried not to laugh.
As soon as he realized what he’d said, he started chuckling. I followed quickly behind. Both of us were dying from laughing so hard. Every time we started to settle down, I’d think about it and lose it all over again.
“Oh my God! We’re idiots,” I said once I could speak again.
He grinned. “You’re the idiot who made me laugh.” His expression turned serious. “Look, I’m sorry for saying that to him. I honestly didn’t mean to. The way he kept looking at you pissed me off, and I didn’t think before I spoke. I knew he was baiting me, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted him to know that you’re mine and mine alone.”
“Am I?” I asked.
He glanced over at me. “Well, yeah—at least, I thought you were. Am I wrong?”
I couldn’t keep the silly grin off my face. “I am. I just wanted to hear you say it. You’re kind of hot when you get all possessive and shit.”
“He reminds me of Drake—well, the way he used to be when I first met him. Mikey is cocky. The way he looked at you told me what he thought of you, and he thinks he can have you anytime he wants. When Drake looked at Chloe like that, I thought she knew better than to fuck around with him, but I was wrong.”
I reached across the console and rested my hand on his thigh. “Mikey can’t have me. Even if I wasn’t with you, there’s no way I’d go back to that. He is cocky and possessive and bossy. I stopped dealing with his shit a long time ago.”
“Good. I don’t want to worry about him. I trust you, Jade. It’s hard as hell to trust someone again, but I do. Don’t fuck me over. Please.”
Fucking Chloe was messing with his head again. I bit my lip to stop myself from saying something I’d regret later. I liked Chloe a lot. I honestly did. So, I kept my mouth shut. I wouldn’t be the friend who talked shit behind someone’s back just because I was angry.
“I won’t ever hurt you, Logan, I swear. I know what you went through with her, and it means a lot to me that you trust me. I’m not stupid enough to throw it all away.”
He grabbed my hand, brought it up to his mouth, and kissed it gently. “Good. Do you want to tell me why you’re going to that show Friday night?”
“Ryan,” I said. “If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t bother, but that kid meant a lot to me before I left here. He’s Mikey’s little brother. He followed Mikey and me around all the time. I watched out for him the way I watched out for Beth. I want to see him before we leave. I want to make sure he’s okay, especially after Mikey said Ryan has been in juvie. That doesn’t sound like the Ryan I know.”
He frowned. “Whatever it takes to make you happy. Just be careful, and don’t get mixed up with Mikey too much, okay?”
“I won’t. I promise. I’m going to that show to see Ryan, and that’s it. I’ll see him, and then we’ll leave.”
“Good.”
We were silent the rest of the drive home.
When he parked outside of our apartment building, he turned to look at me again. “Can I say something without you ripping off my head?”
“Sure.”
“We’re leaving in a few days. I know you think you’ve done everything you came here to do, but I don’t think you have.”
“What do you mean?”
“You need to go see your mom again. I know you don’t want to, but you’ll always regret it if you don’t.”
“Logan—”
“No, listen to me. When you went to her grave before, you were angry. I have no doubt that you’re still angry with her for what happened, but you can’t leave it like that. You need to tell her good-bye. You need to find some closure before we leave.”
“I have closure. Hitting David in the nuts gave me all the closure I needed,” I said stubbornly.
“Jade, I’m serious. Will you at least think about it? We only have a few days left before we leave. With everything happening in your life, who knows when you’ll have a chance to come back here?”
I sighed. “Fine, I’ll go. Happy?”
“Deliriously happy.”
I closed the car door quietly behind me and walked across the crisp green grass of the cemetery. It was a beautiful day, just like the last time I had been here. I focused on my mother’s grave as I walked toward it. I hated to admit that Logan had been right about me needing to see her, but he was. Everything else had worked out this summer, except for things with my mom. When I’d come here to see her that first day, I’d been shocked and angry. I had my emotions under control now, and it was time to say good-bye to her. This would be the last time. Once I walked away, I would never come back.
Logan had wanted to come with me, but I’d told him no. I needed to do this on my own. I couldn’t let him hold my hand every time I was hurting. I had to face things on my own, or I’d never truly be okay.
I knelt down beside her headstone and brushed the dead grass away. I couldn’t help but stare at her name carved into the stone. It still didn’t seem real. Everyone would die eventually. I knew that, but it was still hard to believe that the woman who’d brought me into this world was no longer in it.
“Hi, Mom,” I whispered once the grass was cleared away.
I stared down at the bright green shoelaces on my Chucks. I had no clue what the fuck I was supposed to say. I’d spent the last two days trying to figure out the right words, but they never came to me. Instead, I was here without a clue as to what to say or do to make myself forgive her.
“I’m still really pissed at you. I’m sure you know that though.” I sat down in the grass. “You really screwed me up. I think I’m still screwed-up, no matter how hard I try to ignore it.”
I stared around the cemetery. I was mostly alone, except for two other people. An older man and a younger woman were standing in front of a grave, both of them holding fresh flowers.
Probably his wife and her mother, I thought to myself.
That was the way the world was supposed to work. Two people were supposed to love each other. Then, they would have a child together, who they would love as well. When one of them passed, the other would mourn until it was time to go. The child would mourn them as well. The thought made me sad. In the end, everyone would feel the loss of loved ones. No matter how imperfect they were, they still had someone out there who loved them.
But I wasn’t sure how much love I had for my mother anymore.
“I still love you even though I hate you, too. I guess I’m fucked-up that way. I’ve been so angry for so long that I’ve forgotten that I did love you. I have no idea whether or not you loved me back, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. What you did to me was wrong, and we both know it. Then, you let him go after Beth. That’s fucked-up, Mom. I get why he hated me and why you let him hate me. But Beth? She was his. She did nothing to deserve his anger. Neither did I, for that matter. The screw-up was yours, and I was the on
e who had to pay for it over and over again.”
I rested my head on my knees, trying to calm my temper. The more I spoke to her, the more pissed-off I was. I hadn’t come here to tell her to fuck off again. I’d come to say good-bye.
“For what it’s worth, I forgive you. I’m tired of hating you, so I’m letting it go. I hope you rest in peace and all that shit. I love you, Mom. Good-bye.”
I stood and walked back to the car. I opened the door and climbed inside. I took one last look at her grave before starting the engine and pulling away for the last time. A calmness washed over me as I turned onto the main road. This time, I was really letting everything go. For some reason, when I’d freed her, I’d freed myself as well.
I smiled as I drove away. I was finally free.
Cigarette smoke was everywhere, making me cough, as Logan and I walked into the bar where Mikey’s band was playing tonight. After being away from the bar scene for over a year, I’d forgotten just how nasty some of them were. Playing big shows had obviously spoiled me.
I glanced around and found an empty table off to the side. I made my way over to it, holding on to Logan’s hand as I went. It was off to the right of the stage where there were hardly any lights. It would be the perfect place to watch the band perform without being seen myself.
I dropped down into one of the chairs.
Instead of sitting down next to me, Logan motioned toward the bar. “I’m going to get us a couple of beers. I’ll be right back.”
I nodded as he turned and walked away. I leaned back into my chair and looked around the bar. It was fairly full, but there were still several empty tables. I found that strange since the band would be playing in less than twenty minutes. When Breaking the Hunger played, we would usually have a full house an hour before we went onstage. From what I could remember, Mikey’s band had been pretty decent when I was with them. Then again, I remembered how much I’d improved once I started playing with Eric. Maybe they weren’t as good as I’d thought.
Red’s “Perfect Life” played loudly through the speakers as the band walked onstage and started setting up. I noticed Mikey instantly. Logan had been right. Mikey screamed arrogant and cocky. He walked around like he owned the world. For some reason, I’d forgotten that about him. His arrogance was one of my biggest pet peeves when it came to him.
I didn’t recognize any of the other guys in the band. When I had been with their band, it had been Mikey, Scott, Jason, and me. A bad feeling came over me as I realized Mikey was the only original member left. Had he run Scott and Jason off? I hoped not, but I could see Mikey doing it. He was enough of an asshole to do it.
My eyes widened as I noticed the guy setting up his drums.
Ryan? Holy shit!
The kid I remembered was long gone. In his place stood a man who looked like Mikey’s twin. His hair, his features, the tattoos covering his arms—everything about Ryan reminded me of Mikey. The only difference was the fact that he didn’t seem to have Mikey’s arrogance. That was something at least. I just hoped that he wouldn’t be an asshole when I talked to him. Sometimes, looks could be deceiving.
“Here you go, babe,” Logan said as he sat down next to me. He handed over one of the beers he was holding.
“Thanks.” I took a drink and set it on the table.
I looked around the bar to see a few more people trickling in. That made me feel slightly better. As much as I disliked Mikey, I didn’t want him or his band to suck.
“I’m exhausted,” Logan said as he leaned back in his chair.
“Me, too. Packing sucks ass,” I grumbled.
We’d spent the entire day packing our things. Somehow, we’d managed to accumulate more stuff while living in our apartment. Instead of having just a few bags filled with clothes, we now had a few boxes to add to the car. We’d packed up everything and set it by the door. Neither of us had felt like loading all of it into Logan’s car just yet.
I wasn’t sure about him, but it made me sad to realize that our summer together was over. I didn’t want to leave behind Bethaney or my apartment with Logan. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring for Logan and me, but I knew we needed to talk about it. Once we made it back to West Virginia, I would have to fly back to L.A. within a day or two to meet up with the guys and start recording. Logan and I definitely needed to figure out where we stood. If he were willing, I would be okay with a long-distance relationship. It would suck, but I’d deal with it. I didn’t want to lose him.
The music coming from the speakers was cut.
“Are you guys ready for Split Chords? Give ’em a big ole round of applause because they’re up!” a booming voice said.
Several people stood and walked toward the stage as the band members took their places. I had to admit that Mikey looked good up there, and several women in the crowd seemed to think so, too, as they shouted his name.
I leaned back in my chair and watched as the band started into their first song. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride when I heard Ryan playing drums. The little shit was good. It was obvious that he’d paid attention to what I taught him before, but he’d definitely learned a lot more since I left.
The two new guys were good as well, but they weren’t as good as Mikey and Ryan. Most of the crowd didn’t notice when they messed up, but I could tell instantly. Either these guys hadn’t been playing with Mikey and Ryan for very long, or the band wasn’t in sync like Breaking the Hunger was. I hoped it was the former and not the latter.
It was strange to be sitting in the crowd instead of onstage. It had been a long time since I watched a show. I leaned into Logan and closed my eyes as I listened to Mikey sing about lost love and pain. His voice was soothing, but he had nothing on Drake. Mikey’s voice was mellow, but it lacked the emotion that Drake’s voice held. Both men were nice to look at, but Drake’s voice was what could pull so many people in. Mikey could be the prettiest guy on earth, but if he didn’t show any emotion in his song, he would never make it further than playing at bars.
“They’re pretty good, but I like your band better,” Logan whispered in my ear.
“Agreed. They’re decent, but they definitely need some work.”
I turned and kissed him. I forgot about the music as Logan’s lips molded against mine. He pulled me to him until I was sitting on his lap, and I forgot not just the music, but also the entire world. The heat from his body seeped into mine, and I sighed from happiness. He ran his hands up and down my back as his mouth devoured mine. I couldn’t help but want to kick myself at this moment. If I hadn’t suggested coming here tonight, we could have spent our last night alone in our apartment.
“We need to get out of here—soon,” I mumbled against his lips after pulling away slightly.
I felt his smile.
“You still need to talk to Ryan. After that, I’ll take you home.”
I groaned. “I don’t want to wait that long.”
Logan chuckled. “I’ll make it worth your while. Now, watch your friends before I change my mind and drag you into the restroom.”
He kissed me one last time before putting me back in my own chair. I frowned in disappointment. I hoped that the band’s set wouldn’t be that long. I wanted to get out of here.
I looked up to see Mikey watching me with a strange look on his face. I couldn’t tell if he was hurt or angry, but I really didn’t care. He had no right to care about me after six years of nothing. He should have known that if I were happy when we had been together, I wouldn’t have just taken off without telling him.
Forty-five minutes later, the band played their last song. Mikey talked to the crowd as the rest of the band jumped off of the stage and walked through a door leading to what I assumed was a back room. I stood and started to follow, but Mikey’s next words froze me mid-step.
“I have one last thing to mention. It’s actually a surprise really. My girlfriend, Jade, is here tonight. You might know her for being in a certain band taking the rock world by storm right now�
�Breaking the Hunger.”
“You dirty son of a bitch!” I hissed under my breath as he pointed to me.
Everyone in the crowd turned to look at me. I saw recognition on their faces, and all at once, they started to move toward me. I stumbled back as the group approached me. When my back hit the stage, I felt myself being lifted up. I glanced back to see that Mikey was picking me up. I was going to kill him. No, I was going to tie him up and torture him until he begged for mercy, and then I’d kill him. He’d promised me that no one would know I was here. He was a dirty fucking asshole.
“Settle down, guys. Jade will be happy to take pictures and sign whatever you want, but don’t turn into a mob.” He grinned out at the crowd. “She’s my girl. I can’t have any of you hurting her.”
His girl?
Fury shot through me. He’d planned to do this the entire time.
What does he think he’ll get by claiming me? It’s not like I would—
Then, it hit me. People would tell their friends that I had been here with him tonight. They would come to his future shows, hoping that one of my bandmates or I would be there. Instead, they would hear his shitty voice, but he was still hoping to get more fans out of it.
I was going to slaughter him when I got off this stage.
I looked around the bar, trying to spot Logan. He stood off to the side, his face a mask of fury. I tried to tell him how sorry I was with my eyes, but I wasn’t sure if he could see me. He was too busy sending death glares at Mikey.
“All right, line up, guys!” Mikey said from beside me.
“I’m going to rip your dick off and feed it to you,” I muttered so that only he could hear.
“Aw, come on, babe. You should be excited. All of these people want to meet you. I thought you’d like it.”
“You know damn well I didn’t want any attention, Mikey. You’re an asshole.”
The first person in line approached me, and I smiled at him. What else could I do? It wasn’t his fault that Mikey was a dick. I spent the next half hour posing for pictures and signing stuff. I tried to find Logan again, but he was nowhere to be seen. I hoped that he wouldn’t get to Mikey before I had a chance.
Toxic: Logan's Story Page 16