by Heidi Rice
But it wasn’t until she’d received an email from Don Vincenzo a little over a month ago that she’d realised the bold, exciting person she had believed herself to be with Nick was as much of a fraud as the timid, mouse-like person she had been before she met him.
The duca had been as devastated as she was to find Nick gone that morning without a word. But unlike her, he hadn’t been willing to simply accept Nick’s departure. According to the email the duca had sent her a fortnight later, Nick had refused to acknowledge his many attempts to contact him and Eva could tell that had devastated the elderly man. But the duca had finished by thanking her for her part in his reunion with his grandson and stating that he hadn’t given up hope—assuring her that however stubborn Nick was, the Duca D’Alegria was more so.
Eva hadn’t doubted the old man for a moment, and as she’d read the email at her cluttered desk in Roots Registry she’d felt the first stirrings of something other than misery.
A fragile glimmer of hope had peeped through the fog of despair and then she’d had a devastating moment of enlightenment. Nick wasn’t responsible for her courage, or her lack of it. She was. He couldn’t give her the guts to be herself. To be the bright, bold, confident woman she’d always wanted to be. Only she could do that. And even though she couldn’t make Nick Delisantro love her or make him accept the love she had for him in return, she could still be that woman.
And so she’d walked into Henry Crenshawe’s office that afternoon and handed in her notice.
The next month had flown past as she’d pushed her broken heart to the back of her mind and concentrated all her efforts on remaking herself into the real Eva Redmond. She’d chucked out her wardrobe full of biege. She’d got a business loan, moved out of her dull suburban semi, moved into a chic little studio flat in Stoke Newington, and launched her own web-based heir-hunting and ancestral research business. Her client list was still small, but, with her overheads minimal and the two big contracts she’d secured from her contacts at Roots Registry, she had made an excellent start.
The only big blot on her horizon had been her complete inability to start dating. Which she had a terrible feeling derived from some subconscious belief that she’d never be able to find anyone to replace Nick.
She clutched the phone tighter, forcing back the urge to slam it down.
‘How is he?’ she heard herself ask Tess.
She could do this. She could have a conversation about him without bursting into tears. She had to. If she was ever going to be free of him for good.
‘Really angry actually,’ came Tess’s reply.
‘Angry with whom?’ Eva said, curiosity going some way to dim the pain.
‘With you.’
Eva’s eyes popped wide. ‘Why would he be angry with me?’
‘It has to do with Bill, the computer programmer.’
‘Bill? Bill who? I don’t know anyone called Bill,’ Eva said, not just curious now but completely confused.
‘Bill’s… Well, Bill’s a long story.’ Tess’s voice rose, getting more dramatic by the second. ‘And he’s sort of beside the point,’ she added evasively. ‘The thing is, I saw Nick. And he was looking all sexy and intense and gorgeous. And then he came up to me. I think to ask about you. And I got so angry with him I totally lost it and stupidly told him how devastated you were when he dumped you.’
‘Oh, Tess, you didn’t.’ The thought of Nick knowing about the extent of her meltdown had humiliation stabbing under her breastbone right alongside the pain. In those dark days after his departure, the one thing she’d had was her pride. She could always feel relieved that she’d never blurted out the truth to him and told him how hard she’d fallen for him.
And now she didn’t have that any more.
‘But listen,’ her friend began. ‘There is a good side to this. Because, Eva, from his reaction, I’m totally convinced he’s not over you. Honestly, he went pale. And then he got all fired up when I told him about Bill. He stormed out of the gallery.’ Tess huffed out a deep breath, the frantic tumble of information stuttering to a halt. ‘I think he might be coming to London. To see you.’
Eva squeezed her eyes shut, let the wave of misery wash through her.
Nick wasn’t coming to see her. Why would he? If he’d wanted to be with her, he never would have left her the way he had. Or at the very least he would have contacted her long before now. Tess with her overactive imagination and gung-ho personality had simply misinterpreted his reaction and read into it the most ridiculous scenario possible.
‘Look, Tess. Thanks for letting me know.’ She drew in a steadying breath. ‘But don’t worry, I’m sure nothing will come of it.’
She ended the call as quickly as possible and settled the phone back in its cradle. Then took a deep breath.
Stop that right now.
She wasn’t going to let herself get sucked under again. She was a stronger person now. A more confident, more independent, much less fragile person. Who was not going to get all choked up about a guy who had always been wrong for her.
Pushing away from the desk, she made her way to the hall closet and pulled on her raincoat. That said, she might as well admit that after Tess’s call she was unlikely to get any more work done today. She’d go for a walk to Clissold Park. The new café there was always buzzing with people and the chilly autumn air would do her good and stop her moping around the flat, thinking about things—and people—it would be better for her not to think about.
The brisk wind ruffled her hair as she stepped out onto the pavement and locked the door behind her. She noticed the taxi stopped at the kerb in front of the house, just as a tall, painfully familiar figure got out.
‘Eva?’
Shock came first, before the tumult of emotions she’d thought she’d conquered surged back up her torso.
‘What are you doing here?’ Her voice echoed from a million miles away.
‘I want you back.’
She stared at him. That sharply handsome face that had haunted her dreams. And knew she couldn’t do this. She wasn’t ready.
She had a good life. It wasn’t safe and secure any more. Thank goodness. Now she had challenges. Now she was her own person. Now she was the real Eva Redmond who had guts and courage galore. But he could take all that away from her… If she let him.
‘Don’t…’ She shook her head fiercely. ‘I can’t.’
Ignoring the look of confusion on his face, she turned and ran.
‘Eva, wait! Damn it. Come back here!’ Nick shouted, his voice raw.
He’d been riveted to the spot by the unexpected sight of her walking out of the building. She’d lost weight, and her eyes, those luminous blue eyes, had lost the trusting look he remembered. But then he registered the sound of her feet pounding on the pavement and he sprinted after her.
He caught her in a few strides, grabbed her round the waist and hauled her back against him.
‘Let go of me.’ She stiffened, struggled, tried to prise his arms from around her waist. ‘I can’t do this. Go away.’
He inhaled, smelt the glorious scent of spring flowers in her hair, and held her tight, the slope of her breasts warm against his forearm. ‘We have to talk.’
She bristled, her fingers digging into his forearms. ‘You have to let me go,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’
He lowered her feet back to the floor, released his arms, and she spun round to face him.
‘I don’t want you back,’ she said, but her voice trembled and he saw the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. She was lying. He knew she was. She still wanted him. His heart stopped kicking his ribcage and swelled into his throat.
Grasping her hand, he squeezed hard, the euphoria of having her close again overwhelming him. ‘Yes, you do,’ he murmured, already anticipating the reunion he’d been obsessing about during the long, sleepless night flight from San Francisco. ‘Dump Bill.’
She yanked her hand out of his. ‘There isn’t any Bill. Tess made
him up.’
‘Huh?’
‘You heard me. I don’t have a boyfriend. But I don’t need one to know I’m not going to fall for you again.’ Her eyes sparkled with temper, making the dark blue turn to a vivid violet. She looked indomitable and wilful and more beautiful than even he could remember, and he remembered a lot. But he had no clue what she was talking about.
‘Fall for me?’
‘Oh, come on, Nick. Let’s not be coy.’ She thrust her chin out in a gesture he did remember, but this time there wasn’t an ounce of hesitation about it. ‘You know perfectly well I fell hopelessly in love with you. That’s why you turned tail and ran.’
He’d heard the declaration before, from other women, delivered in clinging, dulcet tones, or in simpering desperation. Tons of times. And it had never meant anything to him. He’d never once heard it delivered like a slap, with the spark and sizzle of anger and indignation and the underlying tone of misery. And this time it meant everything.
But instead of taking her declaration and trying to make himself believe it, he said, ‘You don’t love me—you can’t,’ in automatic defence. However happy he was to see Eva again. However much he’d missed her. However much he might want her back. He would never ask for that. Would never expect it. Especially not from her. Not when he would only hurt her. The way he’d hurt everyone else who mattered.
‘Don’t tell me how I feel.’ She hurled the words at him. The moment of fragility he’d witnessed disappearing as quickly as it had come. ‘You arrogant…’ she sputtered. ‘You egotistical…’
‘Berk?’ he offered.
Her eyes narrowed, but not before he saw the unshed tears. ‘Yes, berk,’ she said, the anger subsiding to be replaced by something much more disturbing. ‘You broke my heart, Nick, when you dumped me, but I’ve spent the last six weeks healing.’ She hitched a shaky breath into her lungs, and the bottom dropped out of his stomach. ‘And maybe I haven’t healed all the way, yet. But I will.’ She shoved her hair back behind her ear, her fingers trembling slightly. ‘Goodbye.’
She turned her back on him, started to walk away.
‘I didn’t dump you,’ he said, his voice hoarse, but the words surprisingly clear despite the swish of passing traffic on the rain-slick streets. ‘That’s not how it was. I left to protect you.’
Eva stopped dead at the low words, turned round. ‘To protect me from what exactly?’ she asked. Did he really think she was going to believe that?
‘From me,’ he replied, frustration edging the words. ‘What the hell do you think?’
Her eyebrows shot up her forehead. ‘You’re not serious!’ She could see it in his eyes, the shuttered, defensive look making her heartbeat stumble. But as much as she wanted to give in to the tenderness, to hold him close and tell him he was mad to think so little of himself, more than that she felt anger. At what he’d put her through. At what he’d put them both through. With his stupid inability to accept the truth about who he really was.
She marched back to him and socked him hard in the chest. ‘You stupid berk!’ she shouted, having no difficulty whatsoever remembering the name this time.
He stumbled back, his eyes widening. ‘What was that for?’
‘I cried for weeks after you left me that stupid note. And now you’re telling me you did it for my own good.’ The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to hit him again. ‘Like I was a silly immature little girl who couldn’t make up my own mind about who to love…’
‘You were a virgin, damn it,’ he shouted back, rubbing his chest where she’d punched him and looking aggrieved. ‘How could you know you loved me? When you’d never been with anyone but me.’
She waved her hand, her temper growing and intensifying like a living thing. ‘Oh, for pity’s sake, will you please just get over that now? I’m not a virgin any more.’ And then she remembered the wording of his note. The note that she’d mooned over and soaked with her own tears for weeks, and her temper ignited. ‘That’s what it meant.’ She fired the words like bullets, glad when he flinched. ‘That crass line about me finding one of the good guys. You wanted me to sleep around. Because until I do I can’t possibly have the emotional maturity to know how I feel—is that it?’
‘What?’ He looked horrified, his face going bloodless beneath his tan. ‘I did not tell you to sleep around.’
‘Didn’t you?’ She slapped her hands on her hips, warming to her theme. ‘Tell me something, Nick. Exactly how many guys do I have to sleep with before I can be trusted to decide for myself who I love?’ She poked a finger into the middle of his chest. Hard. ‘You should probably give me a number, so I can be absolutely sure.’
He grabbed her finger, pulled her close. ‘Forget it. You’re not sleeping with anyone but me,’ he yelled back, his own temper rising to match hers. ‘I gave you the choice and you fell for me anyway. You said so.’ He wrapped his arm round her waist, pulled her flush against him. ‘So now you’re stuck with me.’
Her heart soared at the angry words, and heat pulsed low in her abdomen. This was what she’d dreamed of after he’d left her. That he’d come back. That he’d stake a claim, make a declaration, and finally get past that warped sense of honour that had made him believe he wasn’t good enough for her.
But even as euphoria rushed through her, she refused to give in to the heady thrill. She struggled out of his arms, stepped back. What he offered wasn’t enough. And the new powerful, risk-taking Eva Redmond wasn’t willing to settle for second best any more. She didn’t just want the dream. She wanted the reality—but that meant risking everything.
‘You walked away from me, Nick,’ she said, her voice low. ‘You didn’t give me a choice. You didn’t tell me how you felt. You didn’t give me the chance to tell you how I felt. You simply made the choice for me.’ She blinked back the threatening tears. She had to do it. For his sake as well as her own.
‘That’s not true, I—’
She pressed a finger to his lips, to cut off the denial. ‘What if Tess hadn’t told you I had a new boyfriend, Nick? Would you have come here? Or would you have let me keep on waiting?’
She didn’t need to hear his answer, she could see it in his face. See it in the way he stiffened and thrust his fists into the pockets of his jeans. ‘I wanted to leave it up to you,’ he muttered.
She shook her head. ‘You ran away, Nick. Just like you’ve been doing all your life. When things get hard, when things get scary or complicated. When you can’t control the way you feel. That’s what you do, you run away.’ She sniffed, scrubbed away a solitary tear.
‘I do love you.’ She cupped his cheek, felt the rasp of his stubble and the muscle in his jaw tighten and knew that however much she’d tried to deny it, that would always be true.
‘I love the dangerous, wild and exciting man you are in bed and out. And the kind, tender and stupidly noble man you don’t even know is there. And I feel nothing but sorrow for the boy you were. Who discovered something devastating about himself at the most difficult moment imaginable, and couldn’t cope.’ She let her hand slip away from his face. ‘But I don’t want another fling. I want to make a life with you. And I can’t do that unless you love me back enough to finally let that boy go and stop running.’
Her panicked heartbeat flicked in her chest and she swallowed hard, the boulder of emotion in her throat threatening to choke her. She straightened, scared of what he was going to say. Had she pushed him too far? Did he even want to make a life with her? She didn’t know. But one thing she did know: if he ran now, if he rejected her, if she’d asked too much of him, it was better to know. Because she would rather survive the heartache, than live with a lie…
‘You’ve changed,’ Nick said, his heart so swollen, he was pretty sure it was about to burst. He couldn’t believe she’d offered him everything. Knew he would never deserve it.
She gave a stiff nod, the wry tilt of her lips crucifying him. ‘I know. I’m not a doormat any more.’
He choked
out a laugh. Then grasped her wrists, hugged her to him. ‘You were never a doormat. You were just so…’ he searched for the word ‘… sweet.’
She cringed. ‘I’m not sweet. And I don’t want to be.’
She was. And she always would be. But he knew that wasn’t what she needed to hear.
‘The point is, I’m strong.’ She looked up at him. ‘You don’t have to run away, you can just tell me to my face you don’t love me. And I’ll survive.’
He clasped his arms round her back, and sank his head into her hair to inhale her wonderful scent. ‘Yeah, you’ll survive.’ He hugged her trembling body to his. ‘But I sure as hell won’t,’ he said, wanting to absorb her into him so he would never be without her again. ‘I don’t just love you, Eva. I’m pretty sure I can’t live without you.’
He drew away, held her at arm’s length, then saw the smile on her face and took courage from it. ‘The last six weeks have been agony. I wanted to contact you countless times, but it was easier to pretend I was being noble, that I was giving you the choice, than admit the truth. That I was scared out of my wits you’d already come to your senses and realised I didn’t deserve you.’
‘But that’s mad, you do deserve—’
He framed her face in his palms, placed a tender kiss on her lips to silence her.
When he pulled back, the stunned pleasure on her face sent his heart soaring into the stratosphere. ‘It doesn’t matter any more. Because I’m through running. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that I do deserve you.’
She flung her arms round his neck, leaned into his body. ‘You really don’t have to do that,’ she said, sending him a saucy look under her eyelashes that had lust swelling right alongside the joy. ‘But if you insist, I know a very good place you can start.’
He threw back his head and laughed—the sheer elation making him light-headed.
Sobering, he let his hands travel down to caress her buttocks through the bulky raincoat, then pulled her against his hardening erection, eager to begin the rest of his life with this sweet, smart and incredibly strong woman by his side.