by Martha Long
‘So first tell me, what’s your name?’ he said, grabbin a notebook an pencil outa the big pocket of his long heavy overcoat.
‘Me name is Lily Carney.’
‘How old are you, Lily?’
‘I’m seven, sir. I’m goin te be eight next!’ Then I sucked me mouth an started clickin me tongue. I love answerin hard questions, an this is a bit like school.
‘Where do you live?’
‘Off Portland Row, sir.’
‘Is that off Summerhill?’
‘Yeah! Tha’s it,’ I nodded, givin a big bow wit me head, just like Mammy does when ye talk te her about somethin important.
‘Now, who died? Were you with the funeral?’
‘I was, sir! I was right in the very importanted carriage. The one at the very front goin behind the hearse.’
‘Oh very good,’ he said, gettin all happy wit his eyes lightin up. ‘So then you saw the crash. You had a first-hand view of the impact … the, eh … collision?’
I stared, waitin fer him te tell me wha he was wantin te know.
He shook his head. ‘You don’t know what that word means, do you?’
‘Wha?’ I said.
He sighed an sat back on his arse lettin go one leg te grab hold an stretch, then whippin it back an stretchin the other. ‘Move up!’ he said, sittin himself down beside me an pushin in beside the mammy woman.
‘Oh, you’re a fast worker,’ she muttered, all laugh, teeth, eyes an lips! She blowin kisses wit the lips, flappin the eyelashes an showin her white teeth.
He loved it an pushed out his own lips forgettin himself wit watchin her.
‘Talk to you later,’ he whispered outa the corner of his mouth an inta her ear. I caught it all, because I’m very good at watchin fer people passin secrets. Big people always do tha when childre are earwiggin. They use their head an their eyes te talk te each other. They think we’s are stupid but we know wha they’re up te.
‘So what happened?’ he said, givin me all his time wit the eyes starin only inta me.
I took in a deep breath. ‘Well,’ I said, takin a cough an stickin out me tongue te get meself ready te tell me story …
‘… An Mammy’s dead in a big hole, but me mammy’s not …(drone!) … An then Delia got kilt stone dead an I didn’t know it … (drone!) … An the coffin … An they was usin it te hold their sambidges an … Father Flitters got very annoyed wit Mister Mullins! An me sister never camed back so she never didn’t! An I lost me wellie again so I did, an after me findin it, I just did found it only this mornin! Now it’s left me, all gone an lost again! An …’
‘Yeah, yes! OK, kid, enough of that. Now! What about the collision?’ he snapped, gettin very annoyed all of sudden fer some reason.
‘Wha’s tha mean?’ I asked.
‘Ah, for fu …’ he snorted, clampin the mouth, now lookin like he was losin the rag.
Me face dropped. ‘What I do?’
‘OK,’ he sighed, lettin out a breath an givin the top of his legs a slap, then shuttin his note book an leppin up te take a stretch.
‘Do you want to walk with me? I can take down your particulars and we can have social intercourse,’ he said, throwin his head at the mammy woman givin her a little smile wit a wink. Then he fixed his face, watchin her wit the eyebrow up, waitin fer her answer.
‘Wha’s tha mean?’ she said, lookin suspicious but laughin anyway.
‘Follow me and find out. I’ll educate you,’ he said, turnin te move an head off.
‘Right, OK, but will I like it?’ she said, rushin after him makin their way around an across people lyin an sittin wit some waitin fer help.
‘You will love it!’ he said, leanin in an laughin inta her face. Then he was lookin around wit his head swingin on his shoulders takin in people, then clickin his fingers at the man wit the camera. He would rush over an stand back bendin himself, then – Bang! – a big flash outa the camera an move on again. She was tryin te talk te the press man but he was distracted wit his head spinnin an his eyeballs swingin, intent te miss nothin. Then he looked at her an smiled like he heard wha she said, but then forgot her again, movin on an goin about his business.
Tha’s very peculiar, I thought, starin after them an lookin at her wit me mouth open. Why is she followin him when he doesn’t really mean wha he says? ‘Let’s go and talk,’ he said. Sure he’s not bothered about her never mind talk te her! I snorted te meself in disgust. I wouldn’t waste me time if I was her. No! People can be very igorant, Mammy does say, when people act like tha.
Right! I told meself, wonderin wha I should do now. I know! I’ll go an look fer me boot an find Fat Mammy an Mister Mullin, an Squinty. Yeah, I better hurry, or I might end gettin left behind then lost.
I leapt up suddenly, gettin an awful fright wit tha thought. ‘Mammy!’ I keened, lookin inta the graveyard, then gettin a sudden cold feelin of knowin tha I’m all alone an took off, rushin te look fer them.
Oh me boot! Now I know where it is! I turned me head te go back, feelin all delighted I just remembered. But then turned me head an kept goin. It’s in the graveyard lyin beside the railins, I’ll rush inside an go an get it. I might even find everyone there, maybe they’re all lookin fer me. But they shouldn’t be losin me in the first place, it’s not proper, I thought, beginnin te feel me annoyance stirrin up. Mammy says te Ceily you have te keep yer eye on me, or I can wander off an get meself lost. ‘Yeah, I could be lost for ever an it would be all theirs’s fault,’ I snorted te meself, rushin like mad now, not likin the feelin I’m lost an on me own.
I hobbled me way in through the gates seein the police everywhere, swarmin like bluebottles. Tha’s wha the big people say. They was standin men an women, everyone! Up against the walls, an they had their notebooks out an was takin down information, I could see tha.
‘Smack head-on!’ a fella wit a peaked cap pulled down makin it hard te see his eyes said, he was keepin his head well lowered, starin at the footpath. He was lookin at it like it was a fillum, or somethin so interestin he just couldn’t pull himself away. An he had the neck buried in a heavy overcoat wit the collar turned up, an his hands lost inside deep pockets.
There was a woman standin beside him an she too was findin the ground very interestin. ‘Too fast is all I’m sayin, too fast is wha I could feel. Course, I saw nothin, I was doin me lipstick when it happened.’
I moved in fer a closer look when she said tha. Her face was covered in red lipstick it looked like it got strewled the length from her mouth, right up te the eyebrow! I felt sorry fer her, because nobody told her she looked a holy show.
Then I heard the bangin an looked around, just beside me was a Black Maria standin wit people locked in the back bangin an shoutin. I stopped te get a look. They were goin mad, the doors were hoppin wit their hammerin, batterin an kickin, an they were screamin blue murder.
‘Let me out, ye’s dirty, thick culchie bastards! Youse overfed, red-necked fuckers! Youse flat-foot no-good whore’s melt! The fuckin cheek a ye’s! Comin up here after climbin outa the bog an takin over our Dublin! Youse have no right te be doin this!’
I took in me breath lettin it out quick wit me mouth left open. Oh tha’s shockin terrible bad language, they will go straight te hell if they die without gettin quick fast te the priest in Confession.
Right! I think it’s a sin te be listenin, I better go, or I will have te get me confession too. Ah there’s me boot. It’s lyin waitin fer me! I thrun meself onta the grave wit the grass all wet, I was forgettin about me coat tha Ceily had te scrub clean from last time. Then I hiked me boot on an stood up, givin it a slam down te feel me foot warm again, an better still, no more walkin an gettin the bare feet cut offa meself. Then I stood still lettin me eyes move easy, I was takin in the sight a nothin but graves an trees an huge statues, all goin farther than me eyes could see. Where’s me Mister Mullins an me fat mammy? I can’t see sign of any a them here.
I started te wander away from the railins an go straight across, I
was headin now fer the old dark parts, wit all the big trees an overgrown graves. I walked slowly, keepin me head down an me eyes peeled, because you can get kilt by fallin into a hole where the grave has collapsed. Many a one has done tha! Even the drunk granny knew tha. She put a curse on the lot a them! Maybe tha’s why we had the terrible crashes.
‘Fuck her!’ I muttered, beginnin te lose me rag at the thought it was all tha aul granny’s fault tha I’m lost now an can’t find me Mister Mullins. I’m never goin te find them, I must a been lookin fer hours, now I’m definitely lost.
I lifted me head an looked around takin in the time tha’s passed. It’s gettin late, I thought, beginnin te see the wintry day was lettin in the grey light, an the cold was throwin up a white mist of damp frost. ‘Oh where am I?’
I spun me head around twistin meself lookin te see which is the way back. There’s nothin here but graves an trees blowin their bony arms at me, because the winter stripped them a coats. I don’t like the sounds comin at me from somewhere. It sounds like a ghost rattlin its rosary beads an comin te get me! ‘I’m cursed, the old granny put a curse onta me! Oh an I’m goin te be lost here all night wit the dead in the pitch black!’ I muttered, then I held me breath wit me eyes hangin out thinkin about tha. Then suddenly I erupted. ‘MAMMY! CEILY! SAVE ME!’ I flew chargin over graves wit chains around them an ones heaped wit flowers, I’m now leppin an runnin fer me life!
‘SOMEONE COME AN GET ME! Oh no, don’t leave me here,’ I begged, runnin wit me hands joined prayin while I ran.
I heard a voice sayin, ‘It’s goin to be OK’, repeatin it over an over again. It was me, but it sounded just like Mammy’s voice. I’m sayin it but it’s her voice. ‘OK, Mammy, yes, Mammy. I’m goin te be OK, because I’m a good girl I am, aren’t I, Mammy? Yeah I am!’
Then I heard somethin, I stopped te listen but me heart was flyin makin too much noise in me ears. I watched an waited, listenin, then the sound came closer an I could hear voices. Suddenly I saw men comin around the corner way down in the distance. They were gravediggers pushin a handcart tha they use fer carryin the coffins te the graveside. Me heart leapt. ‘Oh Mammy, ye’re right, I’m goin te find me way out!’
I started te run, then saw more people comin after them around the corner, I slowed down tryin te make out who it was. It looks like … YEAH! It’s my Mister Mullins wit wha looks like Fat Mammy shakin from side te side, gettin herself movin in a hurry, an other people all followin wit them.
I leapt inta the air hoppin up an down, then got straight on me feet an flew. ‘MISTER MULLINS! WAIT IT’S ME, LILY!’ I roared, shoutin before they could even hear me. ‘Wait it’s me,’ I muttered to a whisper now, me breath was all gone from runnin an shoutin.
‘Mister Mullins! Where was youse all? Youse lost me!’ I said, tryin te talk an get me breath at the same time. I rushed in front a him an he stepped outa me way barely givin me a look, then walked on lookin inta the distance like I hadn’t appeared at all. I stopped an watched him go, then let me eyes fall on Fat Mammy, she gave me a look wit half a smile, then let her eyes look straight ahead starin like she was lost in her thinkin. I stood still lettin people get past, they were all goin about their business not lookin left nor right. Nobody wanted te know me, everyone was talkin quiet an lookin like they had their own thoughts te be thinkin, an didn’t want te talk much. It’s just everyone seems now very downhearted.
I wanted te ask them did they bury Delia. I know they must have, but still. I wanted te know wha happened. I’m sorry I missed tha. I’m sure she would a likin me there. Because she was always givin out te me but she didn’t mean any of it. She used te say I make her laugh, I was a very comical child God bless me, an, ‘Mary, you would be lost without tha child. She keeps you on yer feet, but God, she’s very funny be times the things she comes out wit.’ Tha’s wha I heard her say te Mammy, tha an many a time lots a things like tha, so she did like me. She was me godmother. Now I have no mammy an no sister an no home an no Delia, an no dog … We didn’t have a dog! But we could a had, then I would a had no dog neither, because he would a ended up in the cats’ an dogs’ home! It’s easy te know tha, because if they want te lock up childre in a home, then they would a taken our dog too. He would a been called Spot, because I would a got one wit a white coat an a black spot. Or a black one wit a white spot. So yeah, Spot me dog would a been robbed too!
I sat down on the edge a the footpath, not wantin te think about all me loss, because somethin in me mind is tellin me it’s like the bogeyman, he’s waitin in the dark corners te come out an eat me up! I can’t think of all me loss. No! I got te keep tellin meself Mammy will come home an Ceily will come home, an until then I belong wit Mister Mullins an I can talk te Fat Mammy. Right! Tha’s settled so, tha’s wha I’m goin te do.
I looked around, seein they was gone miles ahead, an soon they would be disappeared outa sight if I don’t get meself movin. I leapt up an flew, chargin fer all I’m worth seein them still miles ahead, an now they’re crossin over the road, headin away from me. I can do tha here – cross over before the heavy traffic, it’s bad down there comin from the Mobhi Road.
‘Wait! Wait fer me,’ I keened, runnin fer me life te catch up. I don’t want te lose them fer good. But I can’t see them now! ‘Oh wait!’ I moaned, gettin tired now wit me legs seizin up.
Suddenly me heart lifted. Ah there’s some a the funeral people headin in the door of tha place.
‘Come on!’ a woman shouted to a crowd of people makin their way somewhere else. ‘They’re gone in here te The Dead Man’s Hangout. Let’s go in after them, the world an his wife is here! It’s the waterin hole fer after the graveyard,’ she said, tryin te get them to stop.
The crowd hesitated not lookin too sure.
‘I don’t know about tha place, Lila. There does be killins goin on in tha dump,’ a very pale-face man said, lookin very worried.
He’s not a well man I thought, he looks starved an bony wit his cheeks all sunk.
‘Ah come on. The laugh will be mighty!’ she coaxed, droppin her head onta her shoulder lookin at him then wavin her arm, sayin, ‘Come on, we’ll only stop for one if we don’t like it.’
He stood starin chewin his gums wit the jaws workin up an down, then dropped his head makin his mind up, an took off in after her. The rest of everyone then followed, wit them not lookin too sure neither. When everyone had gone inside, I looked, seein tha was the last a the people. I could hear the shouts an the laugh comin from inside but there was no one out here, it was all quiet except fer the traffic, wit carts an horses, bicycles an delivery vans, all rushin up and down.
20
I STOOD AN kept me place just inside the door, an now the rain is startin te come down. I only hope nobody comes out an tells me te move away an stand outside the door. They do tha because childre are not allowed te stand inside pubs, it’s against the law. So childre always have te stand outside no matter wha the weather. The worst is when they have te stand in their lovely white frocks an coats an veils on their first Holy Communion day! Tha’s when pubs all over the city does be crowded wit peoples, an their childre get left te stand on the street outside, tha happens until the pubs close an everyone gets thrun onta the streets. Yeah! But they get loads a sweets if the mammies an daddies don’t get too drunk an then forget about them. But my mammy never drank a drop a stout in her life. No, my mammy is a good mammy!
The cold was gone right through me from sittin on the icy damp ground. I pulled the feet tight against me an grabbed me coat, twistin the ends behind me legs, tryin te keep out the rain an cold blowin in the door. The tiles was all wet an slippy from people comin in an out all the day long, an now I don’t know wha te do. It’s gettin dark an Mister Mullins or no one has come out all day te see was I here. I tried te sneak in fer a look earlier, but the place is packed te burstin an everyone was gettin drunk. Ye couldn’t see nothin because the air is thick wit smoke from cigarettes. An I didn’t see nobody, not any people tha I know.
The door opened an a man came out wearin a long grey apron, it was saturated wit wet an covered in brown stains. ‘Wha you doin down there? You’ll catch yer death a cold! Get up outa tha an move around. If Mister Hillman comes out, he’ll run you away from this door altogether!’ he snorted, grabbin me arm an puttin me out the door.
‘Sorry, mister,’ I whispered, gettin afraid a me life because he was very annoyed.
I stood meself against the wall wit me hands behind me, afraid now te move. I don’t like it when men give out te me, because they’re not like mammies. Men can hit ye an hurt you.
‘Eh! Come over here!’ a voice shouted.
I looked around wonderin who was shoutin. Then I saw a man get off a bicycle an come on the footpath, he was lookin an headin straight fer me.
‘Lily Carney! Wha are you doin hangin around here?’ he said, comin an standin right up te me, wit his bike pushed at me face, leavin me no escape.
I looked up at him, seein his eyes dance in his head, all delighted he’d come across me. It’s Mister Lawrence the caretaker at my school. Nobody likes him an the big young ones whisper te keep away because he’ll try te do bad things te you, he does tha to childre! I don’t know wha they mean, but it doesn’t sound like somethin I want te find out.
My mammy hates him because he pulled my frock up when it got all wetted by the kids throwin water in the playground tilets – tha’s when we was all havin a water fight. He said I should take me frock off an he would dry it fer me. I said no an ran te me class because I was hidin from the teacher when she was killin everyone fer sloppin the water everywhere, an then everyone endin gettin soaked te the skin. I told me mammy wha he said, an she went an waited until he came outa the school gate an boxed him in the face. He gor a black eye an his nose pumped blood! I heard it all when she was tellin Delia, they always had their nights sittin together be the fire wit a nice cake, or whatever she brought home from the mad house. Tha was their enjoyment, especially on the Saturday night, when me an Ceily was in bed after us gettin our bath.