by Martha Long
I put the rest a the bread, it was still half left, lyin on the plate then had a look at me bed. It was lovely an soft, but then it hit me somethin was missin. I got no pilla an no blankets! I leapt up an lifted the bag, no, nothin under there. Then lifted the flaps of the bag an wriggled meself inside wit the bag over me, an then the straw wrapped around an under me. Lovely! Then me eyes closed an I was sinkin down inta lovely sleep.
26
I OPENED ME eyes seein it was pitch black an I wondered where I was. Then me heart started te make its way down te sit in me belly. No! Fer a minute I thought everythin tha happened was a terrible bad nightmare, but no! It’s all here still happenin, the bad dream won’t stop.
I know where I am, I can smell it! It comes from the musty smell a the room wit no air an the heavy thick walls wit the stone-cold ground. I can smell it from the soap tha washed me an the scratchy knickers an the sack frock tha rubs me skin an makes me all red an sore. I can even smell it from the straw, it’s plastered to me, an the fuckin stuff keeps goin up me nose makin me sneeze, then wakin me up out of a lovely sleep.
I stared inta the dark seein it was different shades a the colour black. Me eyes is gettin used to it now, I can see through a nearly grey an pick up shapes tha look like the door. I can even walk now an nearly not bump into a wall, because I can feel it in me senses. Anyway! I put out me hand like a blind man an feel me way around the room. Now, I’m started te practise to run. Well, I discovered tha when I didn’t want te get up an stagger about in me bare cold feet! Not on yer Nelly!
So now I have a new game, I see how many steps I can run goin from wall te wall without gettin smacked inta one! I have te be able te stop an reach wit me hand, keepin it near me belly, fer me te win. If I hit meself then I get hurt an I lose as well! So, I’m goin te get good at this, an then I won’t need eyes any more. I’ll be able te see in the dark! Maybe tha might come in handy! I could rob the nun an take her keys, because she won’t be able te see in the dark!
Oh God, Lily Carney, you’re a fuckin marvel! I heard me mammy say. But she wouldn’t curse! Yeah she would an now she just did! Because I know she talks te me! Of course she does! I heard her voice fer long enough – seven years! Tha’s me whole lifetime.
I let me eyes wander around lookin through the different shades an pickin out the different shapes. Me head moved an my eyes landed where I knew the piss pot should be. I stared until the shape came through, showin up in the dark, dark grey. Then me belly moved givin a nudge. I want te do me piss, but I’m not wantin te get up yet, it’s too bleedin cold! I wonder how many days or weeks I’m here. You can’t even tell if it’s day or night, because there’s just no way fer the light te get in. Except once I did see a light! It was comin in under the door an restin just inside on the ground, then it went so fast I thought I was dreamin it. But it must a been the nun floatin past, because they do tha – float! Ye can’t hear them comin, you can’t hear them at all! You don’t hear nobody down here, because nobody but me an the spiders live here. I only see them rarely, an tha’s after an awful long time!
Now I know how te spare me bread, I only take two tiny bites an make it last fer as long as I can. I have a new game now! It’s te see how long I last wit me bread an water, before the nun comes, bringin the young ones wit me bread an drink. Or first, take me fer one a them killer fuckin washes!
I’m gettin very tired now, I feel a bit like an old woman, it must be because I don’t get enough bread an food te keep me goin. The bread didn’t last this time, it was gone for an awful long while before they brought me in me next entitlement. They must be makin the time stretch more, because I know I’m not mistaken in the longer length they took, fer this time round. I had nothin fer ever an ever, an I even stopped bein hungry. All I wanted was me drink a water, but there was nothin te drink, not even the wet left in the mug or jug. I know, because I stuck me tongue in an licked an even tried wit me finger an me hand – nothin! Dry as a bone like meself, as Mammy would say.
I haven’t heard from her in an awful long time, she doesn’t speak te me no more. So I try te sleep an not move too much, because movin makes me crawl back te me straw bag feelin terrible dizzy an tired, an tha’s after only a few steps. I think now I know how I am goin te get along when I am seventy. It will be just like this, slow, bent an crawlin along. God help all the old people, now I know wha it’s like te be them.
‘God! Are you up there? Well if ye are … oh by the way! You know now I’m not afraid a you! I called ye names. I cursed you! An so you did this te me! You did all them terrible things, like even takin away me fambily an leavin me te end like this! So I’m givin meself the luxury a sayin wha I think te you! I’m entitled to tell you te fuck off! Yes, oh I very am! Because you get yer own back,’ I snorted, gettin ragin wit his cheek. ‘But look at me! I’m still alive an kickin an ye haven’t managed te kill me yet! So you can … No! I’m not goin to tell you te fuck off! Wha I want us te do is, let’s you an me do a deal! Tha OK, God? Are you listenin? OK, how about this. If I become a nurse an look after all the old people tha’s sufferin somethin terrible. Because I knows now wha it’s like! Or no, wait! Wha if I become a nun an teach all the little childre? I could teach them not te be cursin an makin you get ragin! So will you let me outa here, an I can go home an go back te school? I promise I’ll be very good even fer tha school nun, an I won’t scourge her no more, like she says I do! So! Ah go on, ah do, God! Let me go home. An I’ll be so good you won’t recognize me! Is tha a deal? Yeah!
I shook me head satisfied wit tha idea, an pulled the bag over me wantin me ease, wrigglin down inta the straw fer more comfort. Right! I’ll wait now te see wha happens, let’s hope me an God has a deal.
I gave a big sigh lettin out me breath, then eased meself off, fallin down inta sleep.
* * *
I woke up hearin somethin, me eyes shot open wit the shock. I haven’t seen anyone for a very long time, so I got no bread an no water, an I’m hardly able te move.
Someone’s comin in!
I followed the light from the candle showin them the way in. I watched as a nun appeared an walked over, puttin the lighted candle up on the stone shelf, then she came an stood in the middle a the room, watchin the two girls. One carried a tray an the other one carried a blanket all folded up. Me eyes lit up, followin it, then watched as she gently laid it on the bed, bendin down, then thrun it up in the air, givin it a shake te spread over me.
I didn’t know wha te look at first! Me eyes flew offa her an up te the nun, she was standin watchin wit her face hidden under the veil an her hands lost, wrapped up inside the front a her habit. Then me head shot down takin in the stuff comin off the tray. Me jug a water wit two lumps a bread now, fer the very first time, an not just tha but a bowl a somethin hot tha smells like … I don’t know. It’s very watery-lookin an brown! But I can’t wait te get goin on it.
Then the girls moved off together without even lookin at me, never mind talkin te me, an the nun did the same. I watched her go, turnin herself away an floatin out the door without makin a sound. All you could hear was the rustle of her habit an the huge brown rosary beads, they was belted around her waist wit a big brass cross left dropped hangin down. You could hear them, they were makin a clickin sound, knockin off her bunch a keys. She had them latched on to a white thick rope tied around her waist.
Then the room was empty again, but it didn’t feel empty! I had the light an the lovely grub, now I have somethin te get happy about, an wha’s more! Even somethin te look forward to.
* * *
They’re not forgettin te feed me no more, an now I think all the time about wha I might get te eat. The last stuff I got was a bowl a soup wit somethin floatin in it. It looked like a bit of fat, an the coloured water was greasy, but it was lovely an hot an it tasted grand. But I still don’t know wha it was.
I’m back te me runnin up an down in the pitch-black dark. It doesn’t even feel dark any more, because I can see me way easy. Well, it’s
like I’m seein wit me senses, not me eyes! Anyway, me latest idea is te see how many times I can run without stoppin. I’m up te ten, because tha’s all I can count to! So wha I do is count how many tens I run, an I get the answer! Two tens an a four!
I heard somethin an stopped dead te listen. It’s keys rattlin an they’re in the keyhole! Someone’s on the move, comin in!
I dived over te me bed an made meself look like I was sleepin. Because them nuns are very threatenin-lookin! They don’t say nothin, but I don’t want te find out by gettin meself caught doin somethin bad!
The candle came in bringin the light, an the nun paid her usual visit over te the stone shelf an left it there. It reminded me of an offerin. People do tha wit petitions in the church. They pay a visit te God’s house to put a penny in the shiny brass money box, then lift out a little candle an light it. Then they go off te their favourite saint, or maybe our Blessed Lord, or just go straight te his mammy, the Blessed Virgin Mary. Then they kneel down in front a the saint’s statue an pray like mad, pleadin tha their petition may be answered. Mammy always does tha – light a penny candle an storm heaven te answer her prayers. Tha’s wha she calls it. She does say, ‘Come on, childre, let’s go an storm heaven. I want te light a penny candle an say a few prayers fer me special intention. You two can do the same, our Blessed Holy Lady loves te see childre gettin their prayers.’
I hid meself under the flour bag wrapped inside the hay, then leavin only me eyes an a bit a me face te be seen. Somehow I know now it’s best not te look at the nun. They don’t talk an tha frightens the life outa me! It feels somehow like a monster tha doesn’t make a noise because it just wants te watch you, then get you, spring on ye an eat you before you even knew it was there.
I watched as the nun stood in the middle of the room an stared over at me. She never does tha, just gives me a look then goes on about her business. She pointed her finger at the two girls waitin inside the door for her wants, then whipped the finger at me, an the pair flew over.
They grabbed me by the two arms an slid me out an up, tearin me straight from the bed. Then they dropped me standin, leavin me on me feet facin her.
‘Has the Divine Lord spoken to you?’ she whispered down at me, wit her arms folded inside the top part a the habit, restin them against her chest.
‘Wha?’ I whispered back, not makin out wha she was sayin.
‘You came to us reeking, filled with the putrid pus of evil leaking out of your every pore, as it rushed, pumping through your every vein. You are the spawn of the devil, you are his instrument intended to carry his work into these hallowed grounds and corrupt those within these walls with his evil. But this you have been prevented from doing.
‘We are under the protection of the most high! Our Lord Jesus Christ himself, Saviour of the world, it is our good and mighty Lord who has won this battle. It was very fortunate you lost your mother, this enabled you to come here and be rescued. You are now in a refuge for sinners, safe from the world and all its evil ways. Now you will live a life of simplicity and goodness. Your life will be one of penance and daily obedience to the will of God, through his servant on earth, our mother superior, Mother Mary Augustus Martyr. It is she who lays down her life daily to lead us. She does this in order that we may follow Christ’s journey carrying his heavy cross on the road to Calvary. We will do the same, it is penance for our sins and the sins of the whole world. Here, the objective aim of our order is to raise saints for our Holy Mother Church! To this end we strive hard daily, very hard! No precious moment must be lost in order to make sacrifice and give glory to our Divine Lord.
‘You have spent forty days down here in Penance Hall, now you will pray and hail the rising sun and with the lowering of your head, you will salute the closing of God’s holy day. You are now ready to come into our sanctum and move among us. Now you must prepare for this, you will learn the rules.’
I stood gapin wit me mouth open wonderin wha, she was talkin about. Then I heard a word I know. Rules! Oh I don’t like them, I thought, lookin at her. I always get inta trouble over them! It’s things ye’re not supposed te do. But then, ye see, when someone says tha te me – don’t do tha because tha’s a rule an you can’t break it – then I do break it just te see wha happens! I knows I’m goin te get meself inta terrible trouble, but I can’t help meself. I just have te do it. So tha’s how I get inta shockin terrible troubles wit the nun an everyone else at school.
I listened tryin te take in wha she was tellin me about them, an wha not te do.
‘The first rule,’ she said, takin out her hand and liftin her finger. ‘One! You must never speak. It is waste, you have nothing to say unless it is to inspire others to the further glory of God. This is impossible for someone like you,’ she said, pointin her finger at me. ‘You are nothing. All your thoughts, your actions, your whole being must be lived through our Divine Lord. Therefore there must be no distractions, you will keep your eyes to the ground at all times. We of the order call this keeping custody of the eyes. You must never raise your eyes to look another in the face. You must not be aware of your surroundings. You will work from dawn of first light to the closing of day with the setting of the sun. To disobey these rules is sinful behaviour, retribution will be swift and severe. The punishment is fitted according to the venal or cardinal sin committed. That will be all,’ she said, then dropped her head and floated off.
I watched her go, wonderin wha was after happenin. I didn’t understand nothin a wha she said. Nothin at all except the bit about not talkin. Sure! You have te talk! Wha about when you want te say, ‘Sister, I want te go te the tilet! Can I go an do me piss?’ An wha about me movin? Am I goin somewhere else, gettin te leave here?
Me teeth were knockin an I was standin shiverin in me bare feet wit the thin sack on me tha gave no heat at all. I’m always dyin wit the cold an I just want te get back inta me bed. This was all a waste a time. She was right about tha bit! I think she just wanted te hear herself talk because she hadn’t talked fer probably ages! I wonder was she in the mad house where me mammy works. Because wha she said doesn’t sound right te me.
Not te talk nor look at anybody! Sure tha’s mental, I heard Mammy’s voice just say, whisperin it in me ear. Me head spun lookin around the room, she must be here!
I looked around wantin te know if I could maybe get te talk to her now. I miss her, she’s been gone fer an awful long time an she never comes te talk te me no more. I looked back, seein the nun disappear out the door, an I thought, right! I’m gettin back inta me bed an I’ll keep meself warm an eat me entitlement a grub I’m due. But then it dawned when I realized somethin had been missin! They was not holdin a tray bringin me grub. Their hands was all empty this time!
Oh no! Does tha mean I’m back te stayin in the dark again, goin wit no food or drink fer an awful long time?
Me heart was just about te start droppin when the door stayed open as the nun vanished, I watched as in rushed two more girls bangin buckets a soapy water an wash clothes. Then I was grabbed by the first two an pushed out the door an up the passage. They must be goin te start scrubbin an wallopin out any dirt caught in the place. Ah! They’re goin te get Henry me pal, he’s the little spider tha spends all his time spittin an weavin. Yeah, day after day he does be doin it, makin himself a long web tryin te stretch it from one corner a the room te the other, then all around the ceilin. I do watch him, an even talk te him, it’s great havin him there because he keeps me company. I don’t like bein all on me own! I think I would go mental just havin meself te talk to! No, definitely it’s not very nice bein all on yer own!
Ah no he’ll be grand, I’m not goin te worry meself, Henry is too cute fer them. He’ll hide himself in a little hole somewhere. Wish I could do tha too, I thought, feelin me heart start te hammer in me chest wit fright, because I knew wha was comin as they walked me along the stone-cold passage in me bare feet. Yeah, I know now where we’re headin – straight fer the bleedin icy bath house!
The roars
hit me as we opened the door an walked into an almighty killins! Kids were flyin everywhere roarin the heads offa themselves!
‘No! Get yer hands offa my little sister or I’ll be fuckin hung fer ye’s!’ shouted a skinny young one holdin onta a little babby girl about two year old. There were three more little ones gettin walloped in a bath.
‘Give her over to me or I will send for Sister!’ said a big young one I never sawed before. She was wearin a long grey frock wit a brown-sack apron an it all reached down nearly coverin a pair of black heavy cobnailed boots laced up wit strong twine.
‘You may send fer the fuckin army, but ye’re not gettin yer hands on my Patsy!’ the skinny little young one sniffed wit her nose curlin, an she sayin out the words slowly, so she wouldn’t be mistaken fer havin said somethin else. Then she hopped the babby on her hip wit her leg held up, restin it on her thigh.
‘Right!’ said the big young one who looked in charge. ‘Get down to the Hall of Discipline and see if you can find Sister Mary Saint Joan of Arc!’ she snapped, turnin to a convent young one hangin onta me fer protection, she was lookin shell-shocked wit the big blue eyes bulgin outa her head, never havin seen the like a such cheek in all her borned days.
I thought this was great!
‘Wha’s your name?’ I said te the new young one. ‘Mine’s Lily, Lily Carney! I’m from Dublin city! Where you from? Tell us yer name!’
She stared at me wit her rockin the babby an takin in the room, keepin her eyes pinned on all the big young ones. She was watchin fer any sudden moves.
‘It’s an awful fuckin kip this place!’ I said, feelin all delighted te meet someone from me own kind. ‘Did youse just get te this place?’