by J H Cardwell
I stopped her before she started questioning any further. “Cool it Ronnie. I’ll call you when we get back home and settled in and we can arrange a visit.” She started to interrupt with questions about my new address which I still hadn’t memorized, so I cut her off and finally ended the call.
I was standing there with my head leaning on the door frame to the bathroom, staring at my phone. I had just lied through my teeth to the only family I had. She wouldn’t approve, not at all of my arrangement with John. I know deep down she always had my best interests at heart. As much as I was able to love, which wasn’t much, I loved her for that, and for all she gave up to keep me fed and clothed through the years.
“Chloe?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin, dropping my phone to the travertine floor.
“Shit! You scared me to death! How, how long have you been standing there?” How much had he heard? My mind was racing double time trying to remember what all I had said, especially at the end.
“Hey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. That was your aunt?” I nodded and swallowed hard, still nervous for how much he had heard.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I’m okay. Did everything go as planned on the phone with your lawyer?” Maybe if I just changed the subject, he would drop it.
After he searched my face a few moments, he did indeed move on to tell me how his attorney was satisfied with the wedding and had suggested we should have a party when we return to spread the news and show everyone how happy we were. That brought more nerves and concern for me. These were nearly foreign feelings. I usually didn’t care what happened from day to day. Now I was worrying over how I would pull off this giant lie to the people that meant the most to me.
I smiled and said I was going to wash my face and slip into my pajamas. John said he would do the same after he checked his email.
Minutes later I was standing beside the bed wondering which side John slept on and if I really wanted to sleep in the same bed with him. My strength was always dead on when it came to guys. Now though, I was having a hard time with this little twinge deep in my heart. I couldn’t quite make it out, but I wasn’t about to let it affect me.
“John!” I hoped he was nearby, I really was exhausted and wanted to climb into these luxurious sheets and melt into a deep sleep.
He walked to the threshold, toothbrush mid-swipe, toothpaste foaming over his luscious lips. He raised his eyebrows in the form of a question. Only, I didn’t seem to notice since I couldn’t take my eyes from his chest and from roaming down lower. His pajama bottoms were hanging from his waist, causing the indentions of his abdominal muscles to stand out and his six pack was making fun of me and my googling. When my eyes finally made it to his, his were locked on my body, obviously checking out my burgundy, satin pajama set. It was what I threw into the bag in our haste to pack. I might should be regretting it, but the look on his face made me think otherwise.
His choking brought him back to reality. He ran to the bathroom that I had just come from to spit out his toothpaste. Wiping his gorgeous mouth with the hand towel that I had just used, he turned back to me. We stood there, staring at each other for a moment.
Clearing my throat, I said “which side, right or left?” He grinned a slow grin reaching all the way to his eyes.
“Whichever BB, whichever.”
“Great! We’re back to that are we?” I walked quickly to the bed and flopped down on the right side, pulling the covers up to my chin, and letting out a deep huff. Of course, I had forgotten to turn the lamp out. Leaning up I flipped the switch noticing John’s stare and smart-ass smirk while I was getting comfortable again. It took me a while of tossing and turning, but I finally got comfy. Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to be able to turn my mind off. I was thinking of all that had happened in the last forty-eight hours.
I could hear John on the phone again, he had evidently gone back to the office. I turned over to my right side, running again through the recent happenings. My thoughts landed on the conversation with my Aunt Ronnie. Thinking of her led me to thoughts of my mom and dad and my sweet brother. I was suddenly wiping tears from my eyes in deep thought over how my life had changed, and how I wish my mom was here to offer advice.
I felt the bed dip and arms were quickly around me. My body stiffened at the contact. John’s face was on my shoulder as he spooned me from behind.
“John what are you doing?” I didn’t bother to turn around, but having his warm body pressed up against mine was a bit unnerving.
“Chloe, please stop being so tough for one minute and let me help you.”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you? You want me weak so I”ll need you to save me. Well, I can handle things myself John.”
He didn’t let up his hold on me, in fact, he scooted closer if that was even possible. “Uh huh, because you’re doing such a great job so far, taking care of yourself. You’re upset Chloe. Let me help. Why don’t you tell me why you’re crying?” After several moments of silence, somehow I finally succumbed to the thought that I should actually talk, and I mean talk, with John.
Chapter 15
Sniffing, I did just that, I started talking. “My mother. She would be so disappointed in me right now. I guess I’m glad she’s not here to voice how sad she is with the mess I’ve made of my life. I miss her so much. I think I miss what I would imagine we would have now, the relationship we would share. She died when I was seven years old. She was my hero and my angel for seven years. I thought she hung the moon.” I was crying again. I NEVER did this! Why now?
“She died giving birth to your brother, right? Brett told me a little about it one night.”
“Great. I didn’t tell him much, but he did learn the basics and evidently loves sharing them with you.”
“Did you ever do this, you know, get upset in front of him about it?”
I looked over my shoulder as if I could see him. He was too close to me for my peripheral vision to catch. “No. I’ve never cried in front of Brett if that’s what you mean.”
His squeeze tightened around my waist. “Okay, I just wanted to know what I was up against. I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to let loose with me Chloe.”
“It’s just, I’ve never been married before…”
“And I heard you tell your aunt you were never planning to; much less planning to fall in love.”
I winced. I guess he had heard. “Yeah, I wasn’t, I mean I’m not…planning to that is. Love is SO overrated, you know? I never want the beating of my heart to rely on someone else’s. To me when you’re head over heels in love, that’s what it’s like, and I don’t want that. I need to have the peace in knowing that I am the only one responsible for my own heartache and joy.”
“I can understand why you would want to minimize your chances for pain Chloe, but falling in love is not something you can prevent. When it happens, you can’t control how hard your heart falls. All you can control is how happy you let it make you, and live each of those days to the fullest. You never know how many of those days you’ll get.”
“That’s just it. I can’t always wonder what would happen to the person I loved, or worse, how I would live with it when something did.”
“If Chloe, if something happened. None of us have a guarantee for tomorrow, but we can’t let the fear of doom run how we live our lives today. Love is what keeps us going. It’s what keeps us thriving, and what keeps us happy and in most ways, healthy. Without love we are empty inside, just moving from one day to the next with little purpose.”
“You sound so prophetic John. Other than your brief infatuation with Reese, what do you know about love?”
John squeezed me for a brief moment. “There’s the feisty Chloe I know. You’re right, I don’t know much about love. I’m an only child to two parents who forgot what it means to love for much too long now. In fact, I’m not sure they ever knew love. They were forced together after college because both families came fro
m money. My dad had spent years making a name for himself in my grandfather’s company. It was just expected of them to be together, especially from my mother’s side. However, my grandparents, my father’s parents were in love, always. My dad just got greedy and well you know most of the rest of that story.”
“Yeah well, I still don’t think it’s all that it’s cracked up to be. People lose their heart and sometimes their soul when they fall in love and that love fails them. I mean we can’t control if someone falls out of love with you, or if…”
“Someone dies?” John finished my thought for me. “I can see what you mean Chloe. I can see how a person would fall apart, heart and soul if the one they love with all their heart dies. But you’re missing the majority of what you get when you love, and love whole heartedly. You’re missing the times where you have that person in your life.” He let out a deep breath. “I’m so sorry about your mom. I know you miss her. I know your dad must miss her.”
“He’s not my dad. You know how you said once that you have a father but not a dad?
Well, I don’t have a dad either.” I decided it was time to talk with John about my biggest sadness in life. “Death is something we can’t change. We can mourn over it, and time will heal us, hopefully. Circumstances though, that’s different. Especially when they are chosen circumstances. My dad left me when I was seven, just a few weeks after my mother died. I was a lost little girl trying to find my way without my mother. It helped that I had a new baby brother that I could cuddle and make over. Looking back on that now, I can’t imagine anyone turning over a newborn to a seven year old, but it was like I grew up overnight. I was still so devastated though - about being scared, and not being able to run to my mother and curl up in her lap while she rubbed my head and sang to me until I fell asleep.”
I told John about my dad not wanting to look at me for thinking every detail about me looked like my mother. And, how he wanted nothing to do with my brother because he held the tiny baby responsible for my mother’s death. I shared with him how my aunt later told me about my father’s broken heart of losing the love of his life and how he didn’t think he would be good for me if he stayed in my life.
“All I can say is my dad is a coward and a son of a bitch, and I hate him for leaving me and not loving me enough. He gave all of his love to my mother and didn’t have any left for me. Either that, or I simply wasn’t worth loving and too easy to leave.” I didn’t even realize how much I was crying until John turned me towards him and began wiping the tears under my eyes.
“Chloe, it’s a wonder you have any self-confidence at all. It sounds like you don’t think of yourself as worthy of loving, so you’re afraid to try.”
“Maybe you’re right Dr. Phil. But mainly, I don’t ever want to have someone else responsible for my happiness. I don’t want to ever give anyone the power to crush me by being able to hold my whole heart in their hands.”
“What about all of the happiness you’re forfeiting though, if that love prevails? If they live to a ripe old age with you, and you have a healthy, loving family to share that amazing life with you. Isn’t that worth it?”
“Damn, why don’t you just write Hallmark cards? You really believe in this sort of thing don’t you? I’m glad for you. Maybe one day you’ll find it. I would think you would be turned off by it John since it didn’t work out for you and Reese.”
“Hmmm. I guess I learned a lesson for sure about my feelings for Reese. I didn’t ever think of what she wanted really or what was best for her. I just saw an opportunity to have a great woman, and thought I could just have her. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of years. Mainly, I’ve learned that you can’t choose real love, it chooses you. I plan to jump in with eyes wide open. Like now.” He leaned back and locked eyes with me. “Can I kiss you now, Chloe?”
I dove in slowly for his lips. I was so emotional right then and lying in the bed with my husband. Crap, my husband! I leaned back and whispered, “we’re married John, you know that right?”
“Mmm, Hmm,” he said between kisses.
“And we’re sharing a bed together tonight,”
This time he leaned back to look at me, “and every other night for a while so the house staff won’t suspect anything.” House staff, what in the hell have I gotten myself into? And, what happened with us keeping separate rooms?
“Anyhow…back to being married.” I said licking his lower lip.
“Chloe, let me take care of you okay? I don’t want you to regret anything this soon. After all, you just started liking me again.” He laughed. “While I’d love nothing more than to take you like the stallion I remember you calling me a few summers ago. You know, when you were making fun of me to your friends.” He laughed out loud. “I want to take it slow with you.” He tilted my chin up so our eyes were level. “I know what happened the one and only time you and Brett, well, you know.”
“What?! Is there nothing he didn’t tell you about me? I am…I can’t believe…why would he tell you that?”
“You mean how upset you were and how you cried for days.”
“Yeah, that. I…” I buried my head in his chest. “I had always been called loose you know. Everyone just assumed I had. So when I was feeling sorry for myself and did, I was so disappointed in myself. Did he tell you that’s the night he told me he loved me? Did he tell you that part?”
John wiped his hand over his face, and let out a low groan. “No. He didn’t tell me that. I heard you fuss at him about it that night at my place, but I didn’t know for sure. Chloe, he’s going to kill me. I know he still wanted to be with you, but I didn’t know his feelings ran that deep. Anyhow, I’m sorry your first experience was like…that. I hope your second experience is amazing and I hope you’re happy afterwards, not sad.” He bent down and kissed me. I won’t lie and say I wanted him to stop, because I didn’t. I felt a weird sense of peace lying here with him. I felt like, in fact I wouldn’t be scared to say, I was happy lying here with him wanting to go all the way. Before I could think any further, my brain was occupied with sensations I had never felt before. John was kissing his way down my neck, over my breasts and over my belly.
“Relax Chloe. I want to help you unwind tonight, then we can sleep and head back early tomorrow. Okay?” He lifted an eyebrow to me then slowly began hitting every nerve ending on my skin with his juicy, soft lips. Seductively, he pulled the covers back and started undressing me. I thought I would nearly combust from the anticipation. If he wasn’t planning to rush things, what was he planning? I also wondered - was this right? I don’t think my mind cared. After all, we were married, for at least the next six months. When his lips found my bare stomach and started moving lower, I realized what he had in mind. Closing my eyes and running my hands through his soft hair, I succumbed to the pure ecstasy John was giving me.
Chapter 16
The morning had been surreal. I couldn’t stop smiling. I’m sure it mostly had to do with the experience of a lifetime last night in our wedding bed. I could only imagine what it would be like if we do finally go all the way. I’m still so confused about our arrangement. I don’t understand how, if our nights are more like the one we had last night, we will ever be able to stop this charade in six months. I have to be careful and I need to have a major plan in place so I will want this to end. I need something to look forward to. I don’t want to risk my heart being shattered. I need to have a trip planned to Europe or somewhere far away.
“Earth to Chloe.” John tipped my chin up so I was looking into his eyes. “I’m going to have to have some type of cue for you when you start zoning out since I catch you doing that a lot. Maybe I’ll just yell BB out loud and you’ll know what I mean.” He chuckled.
“Not funny.” I said jerking my chin out of his grasp. “One would think once they are married they wouldn’t call their wife ‘bitter baby’ any longer!”
John grabbed my face with both hands and willed me to look at him. “Hey. I’ve changed the meaning. I meant t
o tell you. BB stands for Beautiful Baby now. I think that name fits you much better sweetheart.” He chuckled again. “You’re even more beautiful with that blush on your cheeks you know.”
Yes, six months with this handsome devil may not be nearly enough. I needed to build a cement barrier around my heart starting now, or I would never survive.
He pecked me on the lips then leaned back in his seat. Opening up his laptop, he started checking email. “Hey Chloe, I don’t mean to upset you, but where do you think your dad is?”
“My dad? Really? Why would you ask about him!? I have no idea where he is and I don’t care. Please don’t waste your time thinking about him, okay? I quit a long time ago. Besides, we need to talk about how we’re going to handle this news with our friends, and your parents.”
**
The ride to the airport had me on edge. I kept tossing about all the different scenarios in my head of how everyone would react. I was chewing on my nails, a very bad habit, and zoning out again. Evidently, John had been trying to get my attention for who knows how long. When my eyes met his, it was like something clicked. I sat up straight.
“John, we have to fly to San Diego, today. I…can’t explain it, but I need to go there...first.”
“Chloe, we have to go back to North Carolina. I need to get everything underway with my attorney Ted, so there will be no question about my marriage status any longer. We can FaceTime those on the west coast, okay?”
I turned to John and scooted up real close. I had to make him understand this, and how important it was to me. “Look, John, I’m not sure how to say this without sounding like a total sap, but I need Reese, Maura, and Elle to trust me and continue to be my family outside of my only real family, Aunt Ronnie. I need to tell them about our crazy weekend, and how we were going to try to make it work.” I didn’t mention how we were only going to try to make it work for the next six months. “I need them to hear it from me. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t so important to me and to them. I want them to hear this from me. Please?”