by Sarah Buhl
In the sky of the painting though, he made a point to put the circled hands that I came to represent Brecken and me. We were that circle.
__________
“You know I can drive a car right?” I asked. “I mean, you’ve ridden with me in my Jeep several times.”
“Oh, I know you can drive your Jeep, but driving this car is different. It’s an extension of me. I trust you with my car as much as I trust you with my heart,” she said as she leaned toward me and kissed my cheek. “I love you, Blake.”
It was one of the few times she had said it since the night we first exchanged the words. We didn’t need to share them all the time as neither of us felt the need—we just knew.
__________
Brecken took the stage and with a smile she looked right at me as I walked farther into the room.
“This song here is for my hubster. I’m nervous as all hell and I’m going to sing for you all, but especially for him. It’s the song we danced to at our wedding party. I can’t sing it as well as Van Morrison, I’m sure. But I’m going to try. I love you Blakey,” she said as she turned to Conall to start in on the song.
__________
We walked from the courthouse and smiled at each other like little kids. That’s how I felt with her. It was like every happy, joyful moment in my life was wrapped up in Brecken’s smile.
“We did it,” I said.
“Yes, we did,” she said as she turned to me and jumped up into my arms. She still wore her shorts and tee shirt that she had worn to work that day. It was, of course, a random cartoon character. Her hair was in pigtails and she looked as she had the night I met her.
We made our way to Henley’s and Gabe had everyone there, waiting for us.
When we walked in, Brecken couldn’t believe it.
“How did you know I’d say yes?” she asked.
“There was no other answer for us,” I said, leaning down and kissing the top of her head before she danced into the room and everyone cheered.
Brecken and I had never danced together before and I must say, it was an awesome experience. As Wynn would say—it was epic.
Brecken was beautiful and she even let me take the lead a dance or two. But when it came to the song that I chose to dance our dance to, that was all me. I took the lead—until she took over halfway through the song.
__________
Irish Heartbeat—the perfect song for us and hearing her sing it now made me feel like a sappy groupie. I wasn’t going to throw my boxers at her though. That’d just be weird.
As I watched her sing what has become our song, I still felt the longing to hold her but it was more patient now. It wasn’t an unquenchable need. I just loved her and I loved us.
Neither of us was afraid of failure anymore because we learned that whatever happens—we are in it together.
In all honesty, failure will happen. There is no way around it. No one can win at everything. No one can avoid mistakes no matter how hard they try or how hard they build themselves up to conquer life. Life and love cannot be conquered or won. It can only be experienced. In relationships—no person is better than the other. It shouldn’t be that way.
As long as both know that they are trying their best and they love each other, that’s what matters. That’s what is important.
I learned that with Brecken. We both learned that. When we are in the circle of our life together, you never know who is leading or who is following. You never know who is chasing or who is running—because we are always moving together, round and round the circle, and there are no end points—we just are.
Maggie & Karl
“It’s okay to be afraid, Maggie,” my mother said as she sat next to me in the waiting room. “You don’t have to be this quiet about it. Say something. Please?” she asked. She wanted me to say something for her benefit, but right now, I was speechless.
Everything in my life that I once had planned was now floating above me. It was as if all my hopes and dreams had sat on a shelf that was my life. That shelf was now knocked from the wall and all its possessions fell into the air. But they never fell to the ground, they just hovered—just out of reach and waiting for me to find them again.
“I can’t say anything right now, Mom,” I said, grabbing my purse from under my chair. I swear I searched through that purse thirty times already. I needed to read mindless news based on celebrities and movies to ease this fear that grew.
“Honey, it’s going to be okay. It’s just a little MRI; then we will get some answers and we can move forward,” she said to reassure herself more than me.
I saw her own fear trace across her face. I knew it was harder to be in her position than in mine. I was in that position for years with Hannah. When someone you love is in pain or hurting or unwell, it is a horrible place to be—just watching as they slowly melt into it.
“Hey don’t listen to your mother,” my dad said next to me. “You know it’s going to suck, but that’s okay. I know you—you’ll take it with a smile.”
“Thanks Dad. You sure know how to ease my mind,” I said as I finally found my phone buried in the bottom of the pocket in my purse.
“I’m serious Maggie,” he said as I heard the tears in his voice. “I know you will get through whatever this is and you will do it with humor. That’s just how you are and I think that’s what hurts the most. You’re so damned strong.”
“Come on guys. This is just a thing to go through. You know—stuff happens. We’ll all get through it. Talk to me about something other than this, please. For the love of god talk to me about something else,” I said.
“Well, I saw that new alien movie. That was pretty cool,” my dad said.
“Okay, that doesn’t help. Something else,” I said as I leaned my head back against the wall and looked to the ceiling. On a sigh I lowered my head and saw Gabe’s friend Karl. He was carrying flowers and when he saw me, he smiled.
“Hi,” he said as he nodded at me with a concerned expression.
“Hello,” I said and I wanted to cry. I don’t know why seeing him look at me that way made everything come crashing into reality.
The items on my life shelf were falling to the floor and there was nothing I could do about it.
Acknowledgements
After I wrote penance. and put it out there for the world, I was scared shitless. I wrote a book to share with people and some people loved it, some people hated it. But there was one person in particular, that I didn’t know, who chose to send me an email. I can’t thank the universe enough for putting the bug in her ear to read my book and to then send me an email. When I read it, I cried. Yes I cried. I told my husband, “I do that! I send emails to authors who wrote books I loved.”
After that long introduction, I now have to thank Michele Ziemer. You have been such a wonderful friend and helper through this writing journey. I’m so thankful to be able to go on this journey with you and to see your dreams come to fruition. You are awesome. You have become one of my closest friends and I am so thankful for my BVFF. You get me lady, and I can’t thank you enough. Honestly I don’t know if this book would have come when it did without your telling me, “You better write another book.”
Lisa Ammari. You, my dear, are so beautiful and wonderful. Your strength and encouragement are monumental. Despite your own hardships in life, you bring a smile that I love to see every time I’m on Facebook. You are a kindred spirit that I met through our love of books and words and I’m so thankful our virtual paths have crossed.
Bryan Young. Thank you so much for also sending me that email and becoming such an asset in the writing of dissonance. You are awesome my friend and your input and unbiased opinion is much appreciated.
Vera Nicole Thank you for sharing your knowledge on iguanas! I was clueless. Also thank you for lending your name to Blake’s mom.
All The Buhlers—I thank you for your awesome, continued support. The excitement you guys get for my books keeps me going. Each of you are amazing.
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The readers. I am thankful for every one of you that take the time to read my works and post a review.
The bloggers. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my book when I sent it to you. You guys spreading the word about penance. and sharing it with the internet were a huge catalyst for getting me out there. I thank you immensely.
And lastly, my lovely friends and family— all of you that I’ve known for years. Your encouragement and love means the world to me. There was a lot of your spirit in this book. There may not have been specific stories, but the love I share with each of you can be found in the bonds the characters in this book had with their families and friends. Rob, Gracie, my brothers, my mom and dad, my extended family and in-laws, Eda, Max, the band family and extended band family—I love you all. Thank you for being you. My life would not be what it is without your awesomeness.
Sarah Buhl
Sci-fi expert. Self-professed TV and IMDB guru. Gamer. Dreamer. Mother. Wife. Friend. Author of novels.
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