I missed my father so much. If he were still here, still alive, I could talk to him about this. He would be able to give me an answer. If only I had listened to him like I should have.
The hard rain fell onto the roof of my house making it hard to sleep. Derrick broke my heart tonight when I saw him with her. He never really loved me, and my dad knew it. He said he saw Derrick with her the other night at the bar. He had played a show at Marquee and saw my boyfriend with Becca, my so-called best friend. I didn't believe him.
The worst part is I told my father I hated him, and now I didn't know where he was. I wanted to apologize and tell him he was so right. I shifted to my right side. The red glow from my alarm clock taunted me. It was very late. The digital display read 2:30 a.m. Why wasn't my father home? I exhaled an anxious breath while the thunder rumbled loudly and rattled my windowpanes. I rolled to my back. My mind was running a mile a minute. My life here as I knew it was over. My boyfriend was screwing my best friend. My father is pissed at me. I lost my music scholarship.
Worst. Week. Ever.
I stared at the fake palm-frond ceiling fan and finally let myself cry. The sound of Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' startled me. My father's ringtone. My cell phone almost vibrated off the bedside table, but I caught it in time.
"Dad? Where are you?" My voice was wobbly from crying. I hoped he hadn't noticed.
"Lil? Honey, this is Gabe." Gabe's voice sounded like he was in a wind tunnel.
"Gabe? What's up? Where's my dad?" My internal panic was starting to swell. This wasn't right. Why was Gabe calling?
"Lily… honey… there's been an accident."
This reminded me of that night. Me lying in bed, late at night, crying over a boy, missing my father. Except then, my father had still been alive. Well, at least that's what I'd thought.
WORK WAS HORRIBLY BUSY. The band Red Light that had canceled yesterday seemingly rebooked tonight, and the place was stuffed to the gills. The house, so to speak, was full of college kids. Jace, Tiffany, and I could barely keep up. Todd hadn't shown up yet, and we really could have used an extra hand. I tried to pretend that I didn't care he wasn't here. I kept telling myself he was of no significance, but, every time the door opened, I looked up hopeful that he would walk through it. Each time, the disappointment would quickly turn into frustration. I was repulsed with myself. He went home with another girl. My stomach turned at the thought of him with her. The memory of the heat of his hands on my body made it so much worse. Those hands. Where had they been?
I decided that I wasn't going to waste one more minute obsessing over my hot, man-whore of a boss. I had a small, hormonally challenged lapse in judgment. I mean no one could blame me. He was absurdly attractive. Todd's eyes were like hot water on my skin. The peppermint flavor that lingered on his lips and those hands… they felt like home. Crap.
"Lily, this band is so great, right!" Jace shouted. His smile beamed as he rocked his body to the music.
"Yeah, they remind me of Modest Mouse." It was next to impossible not to return his smile.
"Hell yeah! I love it." Jace started playing air guitar, and I laughed at his silly display. "What are you doing tomorrow?" Jace's smile was appealing and open. The complete opposite of Todd. Stop It! I had to stop thinking about him.
"I don't know. That's right, bar's closed tomorrow. Probably just veg out." I opened a beer and handed it to a customer. "Thanks," I said as I took his money and placed it in the till. I pulled and tightened my crazy curly ponytail and heard Jace snicker.
"What?" I smiled up at his crooked grin.
"Want to go out? You're new in town, right? Let me show you around." Jace's blue eyes sparkled with excitement and something else I couldn't place.
"On a Sunday?" I didn't know what it was, but something about Jace's easy smile and boyish good looks was off-putting, like he was trying to hide something. The blue fervor in his eyes flickered brighter. It dawned on me that maybe he liked the chase. Was I a challenge? He and Todd seemed very competitive. The other night Todd had pretty much tried to stake his claim on me. Could I go on a date with another co-worker after kissing my emotionally unavailable boss? Should I even consider it? Was Jace a player too? All these questions made my head hurt with anxiety.
"Yeah, Lil, on a Sunday." He laughed and shook his head. "You game?" Jace's muscular biceps contracted as he dried the inside of a pint glass. Holy hell, was I game? Why not? Todd made his decision when he said I shouldn't want him and then went home with that bar fly.
"Sure. Let's do it." My smile was small. I needed a break from my realities for a minute.
Jace's sudden mischievous grin gave me butterflies in my stomach, but not in a good way. He almost looked smug. I started to feel nervous all over again.
"Let's do what?" Todd's deep voice behind me caused chills to run up my spine as heat gathered along my chest and neck.
"Me and Lil have a date tomorrow night." Jace's azure eyes were challenging. "I'm thinking about taking her to Ledge and then maybe dinner. You like rock climbing, Lil?" he asked, but never looked me in my eyes. He was too busy staring intently at the man behind me. The man, that for some reason, I was afraid to face.
"Um… sure sounds good," I lied. I was terrified of heights. I was feeling overly warm and just wanted to go and hide in the break room and collect my thoughts. Todd placed his hand on my shoulder, and I jumped.
"Lil, I wanted to talk about your audition piece for Frank. Follow me." I didn't miss the way he said my name. It seemed Jace had gotten under his skin.
"Sure. You and Tiff got the bar for a minute?" I looked out at the floor; Tiffany was running drinks to one of the far tables. I felt guilty leaving them out here on such a demanding night.
"Yeah, just make it quick. It was nice of you to show up, by the way, Todd. It's been a shit show." Jace's tone was thick with accusation.
"I had some shit to deal with. You guys survived. Let's go, Lily," Todd barked.
"Be back in a sec, Jace." I smiled, trying to keep the peace. I'd like nothing better than to stay up here and run my butt off rather than talk to Todd.
I turned and kept my head down. I didn't want to see the look on Todd's face; the tone of his voice spoke volumes. I hurriedly walked past him through the bar to the back offices. Once the back hall door shut, the loud live band was muted and I could hear my heavy breathing. As I entered Todd's office, the vision of us on his desk made me feel all rosy and, for some reason, guilty. The sound of the door clicking and locking behind me made me turn sharply.
"You're not seriously going out on a date with Jace are you? Not after—"
"Not after what?" I interrupted. I raised my chin and stood a bit taller. The implication in his voice pissed me off. Especially, after who he went home with last night.
"After I had you straddled around me and my cock pressed up against you on this very desk, Lil." My heart skipped a beat, and my breathing felt shallow at his rough words. My cheeks must've been crimson. His dark eyes locked on mine.
"Excuse me?" I was incredulous.
"Oh, you heard me, Red." He stalked toward me causing me to take a step back. My backside hitting the familiar desk. The sensation of the hard wood against my legs made me think of how, just yesterday, my body had been wrapped around his on this very spot. I closed my eyes and inhaled trying to gather all my faculties, but Todd's clean scent was everywhere, surrounding me, making me feel things I didn't want to feel.
I opened my eyes and found him staring at my parted lips. I bit my bottom lip out of apprehension and watched as he licked his own. He was so physically overpowering. Everything about Todd drew me in. I wanted to kiss him so badly. Those full lips did crazy things to me, made me want to do things I shouldn't want to do after only knowing him for three days.
"He'll just use you." Todd closed the distance between us and took my face between his hands making me feel breathless. His brown irises faded as his pupils dilated. "That's what Jace does. He likes the thrill of the ch
ase, Red."
"You mean like you did? She didn't make you chase her very long though, did she?" The hateful sound of my voice surprised me. Todd dropped his hands from my face and stepped back like I'd slapped him. "I sure hope you used protection. She seemed a little easy, even for you. Get your kicks with me and then finish off with a stranger. Nice move, boss."
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Todd's anger filled every word.
"I don't? Tell me you didn't take her home." I sounded doubtful.
"I didn't take her home."
"Sure you didn't." I rolled my eyes and tried to walk past him. He grabbed my shoulders.
"I didn't take her home, Lily." He exhaled and looked at me directly. All I saw was honesty. "I wanted to and I normally would have, but it felt wrong. Just like you going out with Jace is wrong." He gritted his teeth.
"You don't own me, Todd. For hell's sake, I've known you for like three days." His hands squeezed my shoulders, not enough to cause pain, but enough to know what I'd just said hurt him somehow.
"Damn it, Lily. He takes trophies from the girls he's laid. If I'm no good, that guy is the devil." He took a deep breath. "Trust me."
"That's the thing, Todd. I don't know you enough to trust you, and after last night, the way things went down, I can't deal with this bullshit. I'm my own person, I have my own plans." I pushed his hands off my shoulders and stepped sideways away from his reach. I moved quickly to the door trying to avoid getting stuck in that stare. I just couldn't let Todd consume me, because I have no doubt that's what would happen. The attraction between us was unreal, and fires that burn this bright die fast. I unlocked the door and slowly opened it.
"Lily, please, I'm serious. Jace is no good." Todd sounded so genuine right then that I almost turned back around and just let this thing, this crazy thing between us, happen.
"I'm a big girl, boss. I can handle myself." I swiftly left the room as Todd cursed loudly right before the door slammed behind me.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Todd
MY CAR SAT IDLING IN THE DRIVEWAY of Elizabeth and Sawyer's place. It was nearing 5:45 p.m., and I just couldn't bring myself to turn off the ignition and head inside. Not only had it been over a year since I had seen Liz, I was still dealing with the mind fuck that was Lily. I swore out loud and immediately felt like a jackass. I was being such a pussy. I reached over the stick shift to grab the present I'd gotten for Sailor. Elizabeth loved penguins, so I figured I'd buy her little girl a pink penguin. Chicks dig pink, right? As I came back to an upright position, I saw Sawyer standing at the hood of the car. Shit! I about screamed like a little bitch because he'd startled me. His mouth spread into a shit-eating grin. Fucker! I started to laugh hard and honked my horn at him.
I opened the door. "You 'bout gave me a heart attack, brother."
Sawyer's deep laugh twisted in my gut. I missed this guy. "Why are you sitting out here like a stalker?" He moved in for his signature side arm hug. He tapped my back hard as always. I loved this about him. No matter how jealous, defeated, or angry I was that Liz didn't pick me, I never faulted Sawyer. This guy was the best guy I'd ever known. He fought for our country, and he had some rough shit to deal with from his past. We never really got into it, but I could tell he had issues. It made me feel like a jerk; here I was whiny about a girl. My life was good. I had the best parents, a good home, and I threw it all away because I couldn't have her. I didn't deserve her. He did. My inadequacies were too much for one person.
"It's good to see you, bro." I smiled and punched him in the shoulder.
"We missed you too. Come on, let's head in. I should warn you, though… Sailor is the cutest thing you'll ever see. Be prepared." He chuckled, seeming ridiculously happy. And it was then I knew that I'd wasted too much time. For the first time, I could see what a complete fuckup I was. Elizabeth needed a friend, and I'd walked away. I was done with that shit. Done. I took a big breath and exhaled. "Nervous?" Sawyer looked at me with furrowed brows as we stood on the entryway steps. I had to say this. I had to have closure.
"Yeah, man. Listen. I'm over it now. I don't deserve your friendship. Hell, not even Lizzie's. But you guys being together… messed me up. Wait—"
Sawyer was about to interrupt, most likely to apologize. He didn't need to; he shouldn't have to feel sorry for being with Lizzie. "I'm not saying this to guilt you. I'm just letting you know… this shit with me and Liz, it's done. I'm moving on." In that moment, my chest felt lighter. I really was over her, and it felt damn good.
"That's good to hear, brother, 'cause I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon." Sawyer's lips turned up into a cocky grin, and I laughed at his smart ass.
The whole house smelled like onions and peppers as we walked inside. Liz had to be making her famous Philly cheese steaks. I mentally high-fived myself. I missed her damn cheese steaks. We walked through the house and in the direction of the kitchen. I came to a complete stop. The smile on Liz's face was breathtaking. Sailor was bouncing on Lizzie's hip and pulling at her mother's hair. Liz was a mother. Normally, that smile would've been a kick to the groin, but not today. No. It was just beautiful. Just Liz… my friend.
"You look so happy, Lizzie Bean." I smiled. "Let me see that beautiful girl." As I got closer, I could see Elizabeth's eyes were glittering with tears. My pulse skipped. "You okay, baby girl?"
"I'm—I'm—I'm, so glad you're here," she stuttered and started crying hard, so Sawyer came and took Sailor from her arms. I placed the bag with the present in it on the floor and quickly scooped her into a hug. The tears from Liz's cheeks soaked through my shirt while I held her tight to my chest. Her familiar scent of gardenias surrounded me making me feel at home. I missed this so much. I can't believe I wasted a damn year.
"Shh… it's okay, baby girl. I'm here. I got you." I rubbed her back and squeezed her closer to me. I made myself a promise then, I would never let this much time separate us again. She was my family, and I tossed her aside for my own selfish bullshit. "I missed you so much. Never again, okay? I will never be away from you guys for this long ever again." I kissed the top of her head. She pulled away slightly and looked up into my eyes, her bright blue pools filled with more tears.
"You promise? Todd, it's been hard." She leaned her cheek against my chest again. I felt her inhale a deep breath. "You smell the same. God, I've missed you so much." Her words mumbled against my chest.
"I'll give you two a minute," Sawyer's voice was laced with sadness.
"No way, brother. Give me that fat, little baby girl." I released Liz from my embrace and held my arms out toward Sawyer. Sailor kicked and giggled as I brought her to my chest. She had huge blue eyes just like her mom, but she looked just like Sawyer. It was so weird. They made a person. A whole human being. And for a split second, I wondered what my kids would look like. Lily and I could make some cute kids. Shit! I wasn't expecting that thought to pop into my head. It was dumb to think like that. I hardly knew the girl, and, for all I knew, she was probably getting finger banged as we spoke by the bar whore himself. The thought made me sick to my stomach. Jace's hands on her in any way made me want to break shit. I clenched my jaw.
"What's the matter?" Elizabeth asked, her voice still shaky from our emotional reunion.
"Nothing. This little girl is a doll. You did good, Lizzie Bean… you did good." I felt light for the first time in over three years. This jealousy wasn't going to kill my buzz.
DINNER WAS FANTASTIC, AND I was right — Elizabeth had made her famous cheese steaks. Cam and Colby had canceled coming to dinner. Cam had texted me earlier that day to say she felt I needed to do this on my own. I was pissed at first, she was always there for me when it came to Liz and my stupid ass drama, but in the end, as usual, she was always right.
We were sitting in the living room by the fire. Sailor was fast asleep in her crib holding tight to her new pink stuffed penguin. Success. We caught up on the past year. Sawyer's business was doing well. Elizabeth was finishing up her s
enior year and would graduate in December. It was like I had never left, but at the same time everything was different. Elizabeth couldn't get over my fully tattooed upper body. She loved ink. That was part of the reason I'd gotten so much work done. I thought one day I could be the person she needed. I knew now I was so wrong.
"I just can't believe it. The artwork is so vibrant. I loved seeing Sailor in your arms. There is just something about babies in tattooed arms, I think." She smiled up at Sawyer teasingly. "I think you need sleeves, sir. You have that full back piece, now it's time for your arms." She giggled.
"We'll see, Cricket." Sawyer leaned down and kissed Elizabeth on the cheek. They both smiled so warmly at each other. It was good to see them both happy. They'd been through so much. Once they had been together for a while, it had come to light that Sawyer's dad, Gavin Bryant, whom he hadn't spoken to for years, had murdered a young girl. Sawyer's mother had gone to confront his father one night, and he had killed her. Gavin was twisted, and I knew that he hurt Sawyer more than he'd ever wanted to share. He set a trap for Sawyer, but Elizabeth went instead. Long story short, Elizabeth got shot and almost died. Worst week of my damn life.
Needless to say, seeing them happy now made me feel better, and that's something I hadn't felt in forever it seemed. "Why did you go so dark on the one side and so light on the other?" Elizabeth's eyes met mine. "I mean the one side is so lovely — bright sun, beautiful flowers… it's all so gorgeous, really. That tribal is so intricate, but then your left side is so macabre. I mean bleeding hearts are supposed to be pink, not black." She shook her head.
"That's the point, baby girl. Good versus evil and all that shit." I honestly believed that. I felt for so long that I was worthless, not good enough, and I sort of lost my way. I had light and darkness. I wanted to be that guy — the one who gets the girl, the kids, the dog, and the Goddamn picket fence. But… I knew better. The darker parts of my heart always seemed to win in the end. I couldn't make a good choice if I wanted to, and, because I was so mixed up over Liz for so long, I lost my self-worth. Now that I was free of that heartache, maybe… just maybe, I could find myself again.
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