"Shut the fuck up, man. You were being a little bitch. I was just making sure you remember who you are." I couldn't help but laugh.
Sawyer took a deep breath, his smile still in place, and looked down at his right hand. "I got this," he whispered.
"You got this. I feel like a proud parent right now."
Sawyer appraised me quietly for a second before he spoke. "Speaking of being a parent—"
"Awe she told you, fucking Liz."
"Watch it, brother, that's my wife." His jaw tensed slightly, and I backed down. Sawyer was right, of course, Liz would tell him.
"I know, I just haven't told my family yet. I'm so screwed up over all this; I'm not sure what to do." The palm of my hand scrubbed down my face as I leaned back in the chair I was sitting in.
"What do you mean you don't know what to do? You be a man and own that shit. That's your kid, right?"
"Yes, Emma isn't one to sleep around, and the dates match up. I saw Molly's picture, and she looks just like me. So yeah… she's mine."
"You're a father." Sawyer's smile lit his eyes, and for some reason, this gave me hope. If he had faith in me, then maybe I could do this.
"I'm a father… I mean, I made a kid. I'm not a father until I step up to the plate, which I'm going to do, full on… I get to meet her today." I rubbed a piece of string from the ripped denim of my jeans between my fingers anxiously.
"Todd, being a father… it's more than I could have ever imagined. My little girl, she's my whole goddamn world. I have no doubt that once you see her, once you hold your own flesh and blood in your arms, once you see yourself in her eyes, you'll know exactly what to do. You'll be a goner." He shook his head and grinned. "Todd's a daddy… don't screw this up, brother."
"I won't." As the words left my mouth, the truth of the statement filled my chest with security, and I could breathe just a bit better than before.
"Your lady know?" Sawyer regarded me with sympathetic eyes.
"She does, and she's handling it all really well considering this thing… this relationship is so new. I'm just waiting for the ball to drop, I guess." A sharp pain pulsed behind my eyes. The day's stress was finally getting to me, and my headache was getting worse. Pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, I continued, "I don't know, maybe it'll all work out."
"Just don't mess it up." He chuckled. "You have a tendency of doing things ass-backward, and Lily seems like a good girl. It'll work out. I like her, by the way. I didn't get a chance to tell you before I decided to take a twenty-five foot nose dive, but, yeah man, she's cool and pretty easy on the eyes."
"Keep your eyes to yourself." The sound of my voice was laced with jealousy. Sawyer's low chuckle made me grin.
"My eyes are firmly in place, brother, but it's good to see you really like her. I'm happy for you."
The feelings I had for Lily went far past anything I was equipped to deal with. When Elizabeth married Sawyer, I told myself I'd never again let someone in, never again let myself be duped into loving another girl, but I was saturated in everything that was Lily. She was everywhere: traces of her taste lingered on my lips, the feel of her skin on my fingertips, her hair on my pillowcase, and her image burned behind my eyes. There was no doubt that I could love Lily with everything that I am, and as hard as I tried to deny it to myself, this girl had taken root in my heart and, fuck, if I didn't love every second of it.
"Yeah… she's pretty damn sweet."
Sawyer smiled the biggest smile I'd seen on the dude all week. "You got this, brother."
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Lily
"IT WAS NICE OF YOU GUYS to come visit. Come for dinner this week? Maybe Sunday?" Elizabeth juggled Sailor between her arms while trying to take a bite from an apple. We'd been at the hospital for the majority of the day. The lack of sleep from the previous night was starting to take its toll, my limbs felt substantial, and all I could think of was how great a hot bath and a nap would feel right about now.
"I think so, Lizzie Bean. I might take Molly to meet my parents though, so I'll let you know. I'm hoping Emma will be okay with that." Todd kissed Elizabeth on the cheek. "You guys probably need the rest anyway, but I'll let you know. It was good to see you. Hang in there man." Todd gave Sawyer a quick hug; both men clipped each other on the backs, and I stifled a smile at the show of testosterone.
"It was good to see you again, Lily." Sawyer drew me in with his powerful arms, his sweet woodsy smell filled the space, and I felt entirely consumed by his form. It should've felt awkward to be so completely embraced by a man I hardly knew, but this was just his way. Sawyer was a giant sweetheart, and you couldn't help but feel like you'd known him forever.
As I pulled away from his hug, Todd smiled down at me and took my hand in his, interlacing our fingers. He inclined his head to mine and placed a quick kiss to my lips. "You ready to go, baby?"
I nodded. "See you guys soon."
THE GOODBYES WERE HAPPY; it was such a different feeling from how it was the last time I was here at the hospital. We were headed back to my house so I could shower and get ready to meet Molly — meet Todd's future. As much as it should've scared me, the way I felt for Todd trumped any fear I had. I said I would be there for him, and I would.
The spring air smelled rich, the scent of the cottonwood trees pulled through the truck's open windows, the wind ratted my hair, the heat of the sun soaked into my closed eyelids, and the slow motion of the moving vehicle rocked me into a sleepy state. It was peaceful. Todd was humming to a song by Band of Horses and in that moment everything felt as it should, as if this was just another day, another moment in time with him. I felt blessed. The rest of the day could wait — everything was right as rain.
"Hey babe, you awake? Your phone is vibrating like crazy." Todd wrapped his hand around my thigh.
"Yeah, sorry, I didn't feel it."
Eve's name flashed across my phone's lock screen. I had three missed calls from her and one text.
Eve: Where are you?
I swore, something must be wrong.
"Everything okay?" Todd asked, his brows furrowed.
"I don't know."
I tapped out a quick text.
Me: I'm with Todd. Was up at the hospital visiting a friend. What's up?"
Eve's text was immediate.
Eve: Mom is here.
My heart stopped, my stomach flipped, and the bile burned my throat.
"Pull over, Todd. Now! I'm going to be sick."
The truck swerved and came to an abrupt stop. I dropped my phone to the floor as I opened the door, hardly making it out in time before I emptied my stomach onto the side of the road. The bitter taste made me gag and dry heave again.
The sound of crunching gravel alerted me to Todd's presence. "Oh God, Todd, please don't… I've just been sick."
"I know, are you okay? What the hell, baby? What's the matter?" The alarm in Todd's voice helped me rein it in. I leaned against the truck passenger seat; my grip on the interior door handle was weak. Todd leaned passed me, and I heard him shuffling through the center console. He pulled back and handed me a napkin from a fast food place and his bottle of water from the hospital.
"Thanks." I wiped my mouth and took a long sip of water. The cool liquid poured smoothly down my throat easing the acid in my gut.
"What's going on?" Todd's fingers brushed the hair from my face and pulled it behind my ear.
"My sister said my mom is home. Like home… home, like at her house."
Todd's eyes grew wide. "You shouldn't go there then. Come back to my place. I'll go grab your shit, and you can stay with me. Fuck babe, don't worry, you don't have to see her." Todd pulled me to his chest, and I summoned all my inner strength not to cry. I felt stupid for my overreaction; he shouldn't have to worry about me today. Today he gets to meet his Molly.
The cedar fragrance of Todd's skin permeated through his shirt and comforted me more than I thought possible; it gave me the fortitude to do what
I needed to do. I eased away from his embrace. "No, I should go home. You need to see your daughter, and I need to see my mother. Seems as if fate has its own freaking plans for us today." I laughed without humor.
Todd's face fell just enough that I noticed. "You don't owe her anything. She left you when you were only three. She's not your mother… she was an incubator." Todd's eyes turned dark, and the line of his jaw grew sharp.
"You need to go see your little girl, Todd." I tried to smile, tried to show him I could do this, tried to convince myself that her leaving me — never once looking back, and never once caring whether I was dead or alive — hadn't bothered me. After all, she was just a person — a person who I thought didn't hold the power to destroy me anymore. I was wrong.
"I could call Emma. Reschedule. Let me–"
"No way. You need to see her. Really, I'll be fine." I sucked in a large breath. "I'm sorry I scared you. I just wasn't prepared. The reaction I had was over the top, and I'm sorry." My cheeks heated with embarrassment, and I dropped my head down.
"Hey." Todd grasped my chin in between his thumb and forefinger, his intense brown eyes found mine. "Don't be sorry… never be sorry for how you feel about her. That woman left you, made you think you were worthless. That's not okay with me. You don't get to be sorry for her actions. It makes me crazy that she's got you this upset. I really don't think you should go home. Stay with me. Come home with me."
"No." Every nerve ending in my body rebelled at the word. "I can't… I need to face her, just like you need to go face your future. I can do this… let me do this." My voice shook, the swelling in my throat made it hard to speak.
He gave me a curt nod.
"I'm just sorry I can't go with you today, be there for you like I wanted to."
"I'll be okay. It's you I'm worried about." Todd placed a chaste kiss on my cheek. "Let's get off the side of the road before we get hit by a semi-truck." Todd gripped my hips with his hand and lifted me into his truck. I'd never get used to how easily Todd could pick me up. The door shut and I started to feel ill again, so I forced myself to take deep breaths in and out, to get myself under control before he opened the driver's side door. I couldn't shake the notion that I was letting him down.
I unlocked my phone and typed out a short text to Eve.
Me: On my way.
Ten minutes later Todd's truck was idling in my sister's driveway. An unfamiliar black car was parked in front of us.
"Let me at least come in with you," he pleaded.
I gave him a small nervous smile. "You're running late as it is. I'm fine…" He frowned and looked at me with skeptical eyes. "Really. You have more important things to worry about than me, than this."
The crease in his brow deepened. "You're important to me, Lily. So this shit show you are about to walk in on has me on edge."
"Exactly, that's why you need to go home, get showered, and go see Molly. Text me when you're on your way home, and I'll meet you at your place. Sound good?"
"Yeah, sounds good." The tone of his voice implied that it didn't sound good at all. I reached across the console and kissed him on his cheek; my mouth tasted like death, and I regretted not having gum because I needed nothing more than to kiss him right now, to feel his ownership, to feel his love for me.
Todd rested his nose in the crook of my neck, the sensation of his breath against my skin caused goose bumps to form down my arms and back. "I want to kiss you so bad right now. I figured you wouldn't want me to, but I just thought you should know." His lips pressed against the spot below my ear, and I heard him inhale. He spoke, his lips brushing against my skin. "You call me immediately if anything goes wrong. You need me… I'm here."
I leaned my cheek against his and smiled. We were always desperate to be linked in some way, but his touch… this touch was enough.
"Just text me when you're done, sweetheart." My fingers pulled the latch on the door, and I gave him a kiss on the cheek before I jumped out. The dread that flashed through Todd's eyes as I shut the door almost made my mask fall. He couldn't see me freak out again, I wouldn't let him. Todd didn't pull away until I was inside the house. I watched through the sidelight window as he drove away. I heard Christopher giggle and a loud, throaty laugh that belonged to an older woman echoed through the house; the sound was so unfamiliar. What did I have to be afraid of? She was a stranger, a nobody, a figment of my imagination.
"Lil, is that you?" Eve's voice called from the kitchen.
I hung my purse on the hook by the door. "Yeah, it's me."
"Lily?"
A medium sized woman with bright red curls stared at me. That could be me in twenty years… that could be me. A wash of sadness coursed through my body at the thought of my father having to look at me every day, having to see her in me. It must have killed him slowly.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Todd
THE GPS ON MY PHONE INDICATED I had reached my destination as the wheels of my truck came to a stop in front of an older home. Emma's house was on the small side; the red brick and white trim fit the old architecture of the area. She lived in the historic district of Ogden. I'd always loved the houses here, it felt quaint, and I was glad Molly had such a nice place to live. The engine in my 4Runner cut off as I turned the keys with shaky hands. I rubbed my palms down my pants to try and ease my nerves. My head was so jacked up right now. Lily was probably in the thick of it with her family, my worry for her didn't help my growing panic. I was about to meet my child, the little girl I didn't know I had, the little girl I was a stranger too. The irony of two daughters meeting their absentee parents on the same day was not lost on me. However, I wasn't going to miss one more damn day.
The walk up the drive was short; I closed my eyes and took one last inhale before I rang the doorbell. I heard a high-pitched squeal, rapid footsteps, and Emma's voice as it rang through the door.
"Give me a second, honey. Let mommy see who it is first, okay?" Emma's laugh was light as the heavy wood door opened. The smile on her face radiated, her thick hair was pulled into a messy knot on the top of her head, her black-rimmed glasses she only wore when she was home sat on her nose, and all the memories of her surfaced in one big wave making it hard to catch my breath. "Well hello. Come on in. She's expecting you."
"She is? Does she know who I am?" I asked nervously as I stepped through the threshold of the house. I thought I should have said "hi" or "how's it going," but I wasn't sure how a guy was supposed to act the first time he met his kid.
Emma's smile fell as she whispered¸ "For today I just said mommy was having a friend over. This is scary for me, too, Todd. I'm glad you're here, but I'm terrified. Everything I've built for us could fall apart. Just… just—"
She didn't get to finish because a blur of blonde came running headfirst around the corner of the foyer. The mass of curls came to a dead stop when she saw me. She was wearing a yellow dress with white polka dots, and her cheeks were flushed from running. My pulse started to pound through my entire body, my throat constricted, and my breathing became shallow and rapid as I tried to comprehend the amount of love that filled my heart. My notrils flared as I attempted to hold back my emotion, and my hands started to tremble as I watched her shyly approach.
"I Lolly." Her little voice broke me — my legs buckled, and I dropped to my knees. The weight of so much loss, of so much gained… I couldn't bare it. "He cry, ma-ma?" The salt water spilled down my cheeks, and my heart split open as Molly looked at me with worry.
I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Lolly?"
"She had a hard time with the letter 'M' for a while, still does from time to time." Emma's speech was strained.
The corners of my lips turned up in a grin. "Well, Lolly, I'm just happy to meet you, baby girl." Her big brown eyes met mine, and she smiled, a dimple formed in her full cheek. She was me; she was my blood, my bones… my soul. I looked up at Emma, the tears streamed down her face, and she gave me a sad smile.
"I two." She held up one fing
er, and I barked out a laugh.
"Wow. You're such a big girl."
She nodded and took two more steps; she placed her tiny hand on my arm. The touch sparked through veins and another few tears escaped my eyes. Molly's fingers traced the artwork on my arm. "Dis pweety." The smell of lavender and baby powder saturated the air. Molly's scent encircled me, the immediate feeling of home swept over my body. This was exactly where I should have been, and it was where I belonged.
"Thank you." The urge to push her hair behind her ear overtook me, and I lightly tugged on a loose curl. "I think you're the prettiest girl I've ever met, even prettier than your mom." Molly's smile widened, both of her dimples formed inside her cheeks, as she moved hastily toward me. Her small arms wrapped around my neck, and at first I was shocked still, until I heard Emma chuckle behind me.
"She's very lovey." Emma gave me a knowing look.
My arms pulled her snug against my chest; she was so little I was afraid I'd break her. I easily lifted her up and stood. She sat on my hip and was cradled safely in the crease of my arm. She ran the palms of her hands across my short beard and scrunched her nose up, her eyebrows dipped with a disapproving look.
"Guck." Molly wiggled her fingers in an attempt to rid the rough feeling of my facial hair from her hands. She was the cutest damn thing, and I couldn't restrain myself from laughing.
"Guess she doesn't dig the beard." I grinned.
"I guess not. Should we have dinner then?" Emma asked as her fingertips swiped at the tears under her eyes.
"Lead the way." I motioned Emma forward with my free arm. Emma laid her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. The look she gave me told me I had done well.
"Follow me." She smiled brightly.
Molly pushed at my chest. "Down."
She practically jumped from my arms, and I was expecting her to take off running like a toddler would, but instead she took my large hand in hers. The whole world fell silent the instant I felt my daughter's hand in mine. This connection was greater than anything I'd ever experienced. For a moment, I felt like I had been this fraudulent human, just getting by. I was a shell of who I could have been, but in her I saw my true potential. I would be a better man for her, for my family. In her, I finally found the real meaning of unconditional love. In that exact moment, when her little fingers attempted to lace with mine, it was as if this was the first time my heart truly started beating.
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