Just before the door shut, I heard a loud crack like glass breaking.
"FUCK!" Todd yelled the word at the top of his lungs, it was drawn out, and the pain in his voice cut me. Every fiber of my being wanted me to go back and tell him I love him. Tell him I choose him, but that was selfish… and he deserved so much more.
MY WORLD WAS SPIRALING out of control, and I was gasping for air as the images of Todd's broken expression and the hurt that blackened his eyes swept through my mind. My hands shook violently as I turned the key and started my car. My tears were blurring my vision as I backed out of the driveway making it difficult to see. The loud sound of a car horn made me jump and slam on my brakes. Seth's black Audi was behind me, the bright light of his headlights glared in my rearview mirror causing my headache to throb behind my temples. The night's events churned in my belly as I watched Seth step out from his running vehicle.
He tapped his knuckles on my window. He was the last person I wanted to talk to; he was going to hate me. He knocked harder and bent down to look through the window. Seth's eyes narrowed as he took in my appearance. There was no avoiding it, so I rolled down my window.
"What the fuck's going on?" Seth's tone was severe. He'd never spoken to me like that, and it made it hard to gather my already emotional state into some coherent semblance of order. "Why the tears? What's happened?" His hands grasped the door as he leaned quickly through the window and grabbed the keys out of the ignition. "You're not going anywhere like this. You trying to kill yourself? Breathe, Lily, just breathe." I hadn't realized I was still hysterically crying, my breathing was shuddered, and the water fell like a river from my eyes. Seth placed his right hand on my cheek, and his thumb moved softly across my skin. "Shh… breathe, sweetheart, just breathe. D-did Todd…" Seth's jaw ticked. "…did Todd do something to hurt—?"
"No." I inhaled deeply. "No, I'm… I've got to leave. It's the only way." The admission squeezed my chest making it difficult to continue.
"Leave where? You're not making sense, Hellcat. What's the only way?" Seth dropped his hand from my face, and the heat from his skin dissipated, the cold dead feeling that threatened to consume me moved quickly over my body, and I had no other choice but to succumb to it. It was the only way I was going to survive this. Survive Todd. Survive ever knowing someone so infinitely right for me. I had to let myself fall into the still water — let it drown me, let it fill all the spaces he resided; otherwise, I'd never let go, and letting go was my only option. Todd had his life to live, and I'd made my choice. There was no going back.
"I'm moving back to Florida. They reinstated my music scholarship." My voice held no inflection.
"Are you serious?" Seth leaned back from the window. "I thought you wanted to make a record? What about Todd? Awe, shit!" His gaze moved from me to the front door of their condo and back to me in slow motion. "You're going to break him, you know that right? Why? Why are you doing this?" I moved my eyes from his and stared at the small crack in my windshield ignoring his question. "Is this about Molly? Emma?"
I whipped my head in his direction, and I snapped. "Give me my keys. I need to go."
"That's it, isn't it? I can't believe you'd do that to him. I should've known, though. You bitches always leave." Seth dropped my keys in my lap and pushed away from the car.
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about, asshole." Anger heated my cheeks. I didn't need this right now. I was doing what was right… what was right for Todd.
"I don't?" He raised his eyebrows and stretched his arms out from his body. "Explain it to me then. 'Cause from where I'm standing, I can smell the fear pouring off of you, and I hoped you were stronger than that. He's worth more than that."
"I know," I shouted. "He should have it all. He should get his chance at happiness, and Molly should have a father and a mother that will love her and be there for her. They should all have a chance at life, and I — I just don't equate into that scenario."
"That's fucking bullshit." Seth walked closer to my car. "You're running, Lily. You're making the wrong choice."
"I'm making the right decision for him. Besides this is what I want. This school… this was my father's dream for me. I need to do this, please Seth… just move your car. I need to go." I was tired, the weight of the night threatened to crush me, and all I wanted was to go home and sleep. I didn't even care that Pam was there.
Seth shook his head. "Fucking women. Always doing stupid shit." He took a deep breath, his hard blue eyes held mine. "You okay to drive?"
I nodded curtly.
He looked back at the house and his shoulders fell. "This is going to be a damn nightmare," he muttered before he turned his gaze on me again. He lifted his chin. "See ya round, Lil."
Seth's frame disappeared into his car; the headlights moved as he backed out, letting me do the same. It was as if rubber strands were connecting my heart to Todd — the further the separation, the tighter they pulled. It felt wrong to think, but all I wanted was for these bonds to snap, to break away, because if they didn't, I wasn't sure if I could resist the pull.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Todd
THE LASTS WORDS I SAID TO her kept ringing in my ears. I needed to take care of myself, but I needed her too. I wanted her to be part of Molly's future and my future. My fury started to heighten as I stared at the shards of glass spread across the carpet, and the knuckles on my right hand started to swell. I was battling the urge to rip every damn thing in this house to shreds.
My reflection was scattered throughout the shattered fragments — it was like a fucking sick metaphor. Lily had picked up my broken pieces and fit them with hers, and I'd let her do it, I'd let her in, and I'd let her wreck me. She owned my heart, and I had no idea how I would surface again. Leaning down I picked up a section of the mirror. My appearance was unrecognizable. The wet and bloodshot eyes weren't mine. They couldn't be mine. I couldn't be back here again. She destroyed everything we'd built, and now I was lying in the rubble of what used to be me — I was now a ruin, a shell.
The anger started to boil again, and I squeezed the sharp glass in my palm just enough to break the skin, just enough to feel the pain; anything was better than the ache. The fucking gaping hole in my chest, where my heart had been, burned around the edges.
The blood trickled down my hand and thickened before it was able to drip free from the surface. I let the shard dig deeper until my hand unconsciously dropped the glass, the stinging pain intensified as the air hit the wound, and the brownish red liquid stained my skin.
"Oh my God, Todd. What the fuck?" Seth sounded frightened as he ran over to me. "Are you a God. Damn. Idiot? No chick… no chick is worth your life."
"I'm not trying to die, Seth. I'm trying to feel anything other than her. She's everywhere, man, everywhere." My voice cracked, and, for the first time since she walked out that door, I let it all in. I let the tide fill me up, and I couldn't hold back the torrent that was pushing at my supports. I let myself fall to my knees. As I leaned back, my spine roughly hit the foot of the bed. There was no stopping the emotion that emptied from my eyes.
"Give me your hand." Seth's tone was clipped as he stood before me. I kept my head down; I couldn't look him in the eyes. I was broken again, and I couldn't let him see this. "Get the fuck outta here." I grabbed the towel from his hand. The rough texture of the fabric pulled at the cut, and I hissed.
"I'm not going anywhere till you calm the hell down," Seth scowled. "I just saw her outside. She told me she's going back to Florida. She left, bro. It's not the end of the world."
"I'm telling you to get the hell out of this room, Seth… now." He was starting to piss me off. He didn't understand how I felt. He'd never had a relationship.
"Quit being a dick. You know damn well you'll be fucking Emma or some easy slut in less than a week."
The speed in which I moved almost made me fall over, but not before my fist connected with Seth's jaw. My already swollen knuckles split with the force. "S
hit!" The pain radiated up my arm. "Shut your damn mouth. You have no clue what the hell you're spewing to me right now." Seth rubbed his jaw and smirked. "Don't look at me like that. I'm warning you… leave me the hell alone." My raised voice only made his grin wider. "What's so funny, asshole? The fact you just disrespected not only the girl I fucking love, but also the mother of my child."
"Nothing's funny, I'm just trying to give you your fight back. So you love her then?"
We both stared at each other for a moment. I nodded. "Yeah."
"Then fight for her. Don't be a fucking cry baby. Go get her." Seth looked down at the blood on my hand. "Otherwise, the next time you need to feel something, go bury yourself in some chick. Don't cut yourself open, you've been cut open enough." Seth's glare relaxed.
"She chose her dream, Seth, she doesn't want me, and she doesn't want us. But I've got Molly; I need to do right by her, by Emma. I can't go down that path again — the one night stands. I'm done with all that. I lost my shit just now, and I'm sorry you had to see all this." The excruciating ache in my hand started to make me feel queasy.
He shook his head. "If that's what you want to believe… whatever man, let's just clean this shit up. I swear to God you're the biggest pussy I know." Seth smirked and punched me in the shoulder. I wasn't in a joking mood, but I chose to keep my shit together long enough to appease him, long enough to clean up the destruction in front of me, but the minute he left, the minute the door shut behind him, I'd let myself fall apart. I'd let myself inhale the small portion of her that still remained on my sheets, remember what her body did to mine, what she sounded like when she sang, the fiery way she'd take my crap and throw it back at me. I'd let it all crash down, and I'd let myself sink into everything that was Lily. No matter how much it was going to kill me, I'd let myself die this slow death, let her drain from my system. It was the only way to move forward.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Lily
PAM'S VOICE ECHOED DOWN THE AIR vents in my basement bedroom. It was only eight in the morning, and my head pounded from being up all night crying. I sat up in bed — the yellow walls were overly bright today as the sun sifted through the window wells. My only hope for today was that I wouldn't have to see Pam. Quietly I stepped out of my bed, and my bare feet hit the plush brown and tan speckled carpet. The cold, damp air of the basement sent chills up and down my flesh. I moved to the bathroom quickly and was startled by my image in the mirror. My hair was a mess, and my face looked like a punching bag. The mascara smeared around my eyes and down my cheeks, my eyelids were puffy and red, and my lips were swollen. I couldn't look at myself for too long, or I would lose it again.
A shower was just what I needed. The hot water scalded my pale skin, but the slight twinge of discomfort was worth it. The heat pulled away the night's agony as the water washed the last trace of him from my body. Todd no longer lingered on my flesh, his scent had been scrubbed away, but no matter how hard I tried, I'd never forget his lips and how they felt as he kissed mine. The ache between my legs from how hard he took me last night was already fading, and I couldn't bare it. A wave of nausea swept over me, and my lips trembled as I tried to breathe through my rising panic. Why had I showered? I started to sob violently. Why had I let myself wash him away? I turned the water off and held on tight to the metal support bar on the wall of the shower while I mentally berated myself. He was gone. How had I let myself fall in love so quickly? How was this even possible?
"Lily? When did you come home?" Eve's voice hollered through the closed bathroom door pulling me out of my dejected state. "Lily, are you okay? Why are you crying?"
I wiped the tears from my eyes, opened the shower curtain, and wrapped myself in a large towel. "I'll be out in a sec, Eve." I checked my appearance and, even though my eyes were still puffy, I looked much better.
I opened the door and Eve gasped. "Holy crap, Lily, what's the matter? Pam left like five minutes ago, is this about her? I'm so sorry. I should never have let her stay here. I feel horrible. I mean… she's my mom, and I guess I—"
"It's fine, Eve, this isn't about her, I could care less about her. And you're right, you guys have a relationship, I didn't and I'm okay with that. I wouldn't want her as a mother probably as much as she never wanted me as a daughter."
"Lily," she reproved.
"It's true, Eve. But like I said, this isn't about that. I broke up with Todd."
She gasped. "Why?"
"I'm going back to school." I smiled a small smile. "Thanks for believing in my vision, thanks for giving me back my chance to prove to my dad I could do it. You didn't have to do that, but you did. I'll never forget this."
Eve smiled and wrapped her arms around my towel-clad body. "I'm so proud of you. You should know I sent the request for admittance before you got serious with that guy." She pulled back from the hug. "I feel bad now. You don't have to go, you know? I'm glad you want to still do something great with your talent, not waste it away on some dive bar record label. But don't you guys care about each other? He seemed so nice. He was so cute with Chris." She smiled, but she didn't know how her words cut me. Blue Bar wasn't a dive. Todd had built that place up beyond any hope Frank could have had.
"I do care about him, but this is my life. I need to make a choice just for me, just this once." I was able to smile through the lie. It was getting easier to tell every time.
Eve's lips split into a giant grin. "I did good, then?"
"You did good, Evy. Thank you." She hugged me again and squeezed. Even though I felt like shit, I was still able to laugh at her enthusiasm. If anything, at least I was finally getting to know my sister, and getting that relationship was something I never thought I'd have.
"When do you leave?"
"I want to leave tomorrow. I'm going to pack up everything today, go and talk to Frank, then head out early in the morning. It's a long drive back." I wasn't looking forward to three days alone on the road.
"You should have Holden look over your car today when he gets home from work."
Eve was always putting so much on his plate. "I don't need your husband to check out my car, Eve. He's got enough to do around here. It's fine really."
"Okay, well, will you have dinner with us tonight? I'm going to miss you. Even though we fight, it's been—"
"Nice. It's been really nice." My sister's lips pulled into a shaky grin, her eyes glassy from suppressed tears. "Do me a favor, don't be so hard on your dad. Frank's a good guy. You should give him a chance like you did for Pam. Trust me, he deserves that."
"I will, Lily, it's been great having you here, and I'm so glad we're all starting to mend everything. It's been too long. It's time to start forgiving." She dabbed at her eyes. "Oh dear, look, I'm going to mess up my make-up. Oh, and you should probably get dressed." She laughed. "See you in a minute?"
"I'll be up in a few."
The snap of the door brought me back to reality. I went through the motions of getting ready for the day, spreading my lotion on my skin, dressing in jeans and my old green Sunny Day Real Estate T-shirt, mascara, gloss… It was all very mechanical. The sack of laundry I had from the past week at Todd's needed to be washed before I left. I grabbed the bag of clothes and headed to the laundry room. The mundane tasks were enough to keep me sane; I just needed to make it to the end of the day and then tomorrow I would rinse, wash, repeat, and, hopefully one day, I wouldn't feel so alone, I wouldn't see his face, I wouldn't need his touch.
I dumped the bag of laundry into the washer when something caught my eye. "It couldn't be?" I whispered. My fingers curled around the familiar worn fabric of Todd's favorite band T-shirt. I brought the soft, navy blue cloth to my nose and inhaled. The rich cedar smell and everything that was Todd filled my lungs. The stone in my throat ached as I tried to quell the devastating sadness that flooded my veins. The torture was acute as I pulled my shirt off and replaced it with his. This was the only way I could feel him now… this was all I had left.
THE SOFT FABRIC
OF Todd's shirt offered little comfort as I pulled up to the Blue Bar. The silver 4Runner I was used to seeing every day wasn't here yet, and I offered a small thank you to whoever was watching out for Todd today. I was sure seeing me was the last thing he needed. It wasn't easy breaking someone, seeing them dissolve before your eyes, watching the one person you were finally letting yourself love be split open by your own hand. But he needed to be a father, and I wasn't going to sit by and watch him fumble around me. He needed to focus on himself and Molly. At least that's what I kept telling myself; it was the only way I'd get on that highway tomorrow.
Tiffany and Frank's cars were here, and, just for the moment, I allowed myself to smile. It would be nice to say goodbye to Tiff. I hadn't really gotten a chance to know her. My time was always spent with Todd in the short time I was here, but she was the first female I'd ever really gotten along with well enough to actually have some sort of friendship. The discomfort in my chest was sharp; she'd probably hate what I was doing, but I was doing what was right, she'd figure it out. The back door of the bar creaked as I pushed it open. Walking into the dark hall, smelling the greasy pine, mixed with cigarette smell that had become familiar, was bittersweet. This was the last time I'd be here, the last time I'd get to remember how it felt to sing on that small stage, and the last time I'd have to remember how beautiful he looked upon it.
Frank's office door was open and the sound system was playing quietly. Tiff's office was dark, so I assumed she was up front. Frank looked up from his paperwork and grimaced. "Come to break my heart too, sweetheart?" The leather texture of his skin created deep circles under his eyes.
"What's that supposed to mean?" The significance of his words was clear to me; I just couldn't allow myself to admit out loud.
"Todd called in sick. He's never, not once in three damn years, called in sick, and I guess you're giving me your final notice. When are you leaving, Lily?" Frank stood abruptly from his chair and moved with a hurried stride to me.
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