Still Water

by A. M. Johnson

  I stepped back automatically. "In the morning."

  He reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. "You just got here. You and Todd, I thought… that kid cares about you more than you think." I hadn't deluded myself into thinking Todd didn't care about me, but I was cutting him loose before he was too far in to find his way back out. "Once you start running away from the people you love, Lil, it's a dark road… believe me."

  "I'm not running." I pulled away from his touch; his advice wasn't needed, and of all people, I was aware what running could do. Pam was the runner, not me.

  "You're running, doll." He held his hand up to stop me from arguing. "But, you do what you gotta do for you. Todd's a strong man. Looks like he's got more to worry about now than lady problems." He shook his head. "Tiff's got your final check. After Todd told me what went down, I knew it was a matter of time before you strolled through my office door." Frank sighed and watched me with tired eyes. "Where're you staying?"

  "Gabe's going to let me stay with him until I get on my feet." I was grateful that my father's old friend was willing to take me in. Gabe had been like a second father to me, so I wasn't surprised, but that didn't make me any less thankful.

  "Well, take care at your fancy school, hon." Frank's smile was broad, the crow's feet by his eyes pulled tightly. He drew me into a bear hug, and the feeling I was trying so desperately to hold in almost burst through the cement wall I'd built around my heart. Almost.

  "Thanks, I'm going to go say bye to Tiffany. Take care, Frank. Thanks for everything." My words felt heavy as I pulled away from his arms, they were like weights trying to keep me in place, but I was strong enough to keep moving past them, to continue ahead.

  The reality of my choice to leave grew as I walked into the main portion of the bar, walked away from what was now my past. The bright sunlight from the huge front windows spilled through the room, making it look even dingier. Tiffany was setting up the till in the register when she looked up at me and smiled. "You leaving, lady?" Her bright red lips spread in a brilliant smile. Tiffany's straight black hair was pulled up into a high ponytail exposing her neck tattoos.

  "You heard." A small laugh escaped my lips. "Word travels fast."

  "Well, Frank has a giant mouth." She reached under the counter and pulled out an envelope. "Here's your check."

  The white envelope was stiff in my hand. "Thanks."

  "Well, I'm shit at goodbyes, so… see you around." She shoved my shoulder, and I grinned.

  "See you around." My smile fell. "Take care of him, will you?" The briny liquid gathered along my bottom eyelid. I internally scolded myself for letting my wall have a chink in its armor.

  "Lily… don't do this. Stay. I've never seen him this happy, never. Todd is such a brat, but I love that guy like a brother, and I'm thinking you're pretty sweet on the guy, too, since you're wearing his shirt." Her words were like a punch in the gut. I looked down at the shirt, the faded band name almost no longer legible, as the wetness dropped from my cheeks darkening the navy to black. "I'm trying really hard to put myself in your shoes… I get it… trust me… no one wants to play second fiddle to another woman. That concept is something I struggle with on the daily, my friend, but you're his woman, not her."

  "It's not about that. It's about him and his daughter." The dam was starting to break. I clumsily wiped away my tears.

  "I'm sorry, this isn't my place. I'm not going to lie, though. When I have to pick up the pieces around here because he's so messed up over you, I may fly down to Florida and kick your ass." She gave me a wicked grin.

  A stuttered laugh echoed in my chest. "I look forward to it." I shoved her back in the shoulder. "Take care of him?"

  She nodded.

  Saying goodbye to Blue Bar was harder than I thought. Again, the feeling of being tethered, that binding force that kept trying to pull me back, surfaced. I was able to keep the tears away as I drove back to my sister's house, but I wasn't prepared to see Pam's car in the driveway when I pulled up. This day couldn't get any more dramatic if it tried. I suddenly wished I hadn't thought those words and tempt the fates to utterly annihilate me. If I were religious, I'd cross myself or something. The front door swung open, and Pam walked down the front steps just as I stepped out of my car.

  "Fuck my life," I mumbled under my breath. Surprisingly enough, the anger I'd thought I feel at seeing her wasn't there. This past twenty-four hours had made me numb, and I was appreciative for that one small thing.

  Pam's bright copper curls were wild today and wreaked havoc in the breeze. "Pam." I bowed my head briefly in her direction.

  "Lily, wait." She gently grabbed my wrist as I tried to walk past her. My fight was gone, and my indifference wavered. I wasn't a runner.

  "What? Today is not the—"

  "I know, Eve told me." Pam's voice was not as brash as it was the other day, and in the sunlight you could see how the world had eaten her up and spit her out. The tone of her skin was a blotchy mix of freckles and age spots. She appeared so much older than she really was, and the fact that the lids of her eyes drooped, didn't help.

  "I wanted to say sorry for how I was the other day. I'm not perfect, Lily, and I'm a piece of shit, if you want to know the truth. And I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just fucked up, plain and simple." Her chin dipped down, and she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "There's no real mystery to it." Her confession took me for a loop. She was admitting she had failed me? "I made so many wrong decisions, Lily. Trust me when I say they were decisions I'd never be able to come back from. So I fell deeper and ran further. I evade, that's how I survive."

  "So what am I supposed to do with all this? Say it's okay, grant you forgiveness?" Because I wasn't doling out clemency today.

  "No Lily, I'm actually trying to give you advice. I've never treated you like a daughter, and I don't plan on trying to be mommy of the year, but I can do one thing for you."

  "Oh yeah, what's that?" My smile was smug.

  "I can stop you from turning into me."

  My intake of breath seared as it whistled down my throat.

  "Lily, Frank had always been my choice. But I felt bad because I hooked up with your father first. I sacrificed my feelings for others, and it made me a bitter bitch." She released my wrist. I had forgotten she was even holding it any longer.

  "That makes no sense. You got Frank and Eve in the end." My brow furrowed in confusion.

  "I was so angry all the time — the resentment had taken over, and I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more. Once I had what I wanted, it was twisted and wrong. I abandoned you, and I broke Danny. I was destruction. No matter what choice I'd made, I ruined something or someone. Can't you see that?" Tears started to trickle from her eyes.

  "No matter what I chose, someone got hurt, so I left. I lived my life the best way I could, but all that hurt, Lily, it never leaves, and I can't help but think you're about to pull the keystone. You're about to make a choice that will set you up for the rest of your life, and I'm not sure it's for the better. You have feelings for that boy? Then stick around. Everything will work its way out. But if you leave… Well, you're looking at your life, honey."

  I didn't want to believe her; she didn't know the whole story. She didn't know about Emma and Molly. "Thank you for your advice, but I'm not leaving because of him. I'm leaving to go to school like my father would have wanted."

  "What do you want, Lily?" She thumbed away the liquid from under her eyes.

  "I want to pack my shit, get in my car, go to school, and make something of myself. I'm not you, Pam, I'm not."

  "I know, honey, that's my point." She smiled. "I'm just trying to help instead of hinder for once."

  She was trying, I had to give her that much. "Thank you." The words were genuine, not a snarky comeback. "I'm doing the right thing, you don't need to worry, but the fact that you were… worried… gives me a little hope for you." I smiled, but it didn't completely reach my eyes.

  She laughed
. "There's no hope for me. But there is for you. Drive safely, that's a long drive." There was no goodbye hug, no sad parting tears… that wasn't our way, but I felt a small bit of resolution in watching her walk away. This time she wasn't running from me, she was trying to get me to stay.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  Todd

  SEVEN DAYS. IT HAD BEEN SEVEN, fucking days since Lily cut me open. Seven days since she left me to hemorrhage, and I still could hardly breathe. So many times I wanted to text her, tell her to stay, tell her she could go to school here, tell her we could figure this out, but she said she didn't want me, and I had to find a way to deal with that. Emma had texted me earlier and invited me to dinner at her place. The thought of seeing Molly was the only piece of happiness I could find in this mess. The sun had just set and my room was pitch black, not even the moonlight seeped through my closed blinds. The wounds on my hands had already started to heal, it was time to get my ass out of this house. I sat up when my bedroom door whipped open.

  "Get the hell out of bed. I'm over it. It's all very sad and depressing, but you need—"

  "I know, I need to function. I get it, bro. I was about to get in the shower."

  "I was going to say, you need to work. Rent won't pay itself, and I'm broke as shit after all my court fees." Seth shook his head. "Jace. I hate that son of a bitch. I'd have rather rotted in a cell than pay him to drop the charges."

  "I get it, I'm up. You're broke? Did you ask your dad for help?" I pulled back the sheets and stretched my sore limbs. It actually felt sort of good to be up.

  "You know I don't ask my dad for money, man. I used some of my trust fund though." Seth gave me a dark look.

  He was right, he didn't, but I figured this was an exception. "This is different."

  "Thanks, but you need to worry about this shit storm you got going on."

  "I know. I'm going to Emma's place to see my little girl." I pushed past Seth and headed to the bathroom. "You going to join me?" The sarcasm was thick.

  He laughed. "I see you're getting your humor back… good sign."

  The air exhaled noisily from my chest. "I've got to pull my shit together for Molly."

  "Sounds like a plan. Have you spoken—?"

  "No, she hasn't contacted me, and I can't… I can't hear her voice, it'll just…"

  "I got it… go wash the stink off. You're pretty ripe." Seth smiled and left the room with a chuckle. I wasn't able to laugh back. I wanted nothing more than to talk to Lily, to hear her voice, to feel her breath on my neck and fingertips against my skin. My jaw pulsed until it became painful. The love I felt was too much, too much for such a short time. I wasn't stupid, this wasn't normal, but these feelings were real none-the-fucking-less. I just had to figure out a way to endure it.

  MOLLY'S GIGGLE WAS LIKE a salve for all the wounds I'd sustained this past week. She was sitting on my lap as I tickled her. She was supposed to be getting ready for bed and the look Emma was giving me had me full on belly laughing.

  "All right, baby girl, you're mom said it's time for bed." I spun Molly in my arms, and she held on tight to my neck as I stood and started for her bedroom. "You want me to sing you a song, Lolly?"

  "Yes, pewees." She burrowed her nose into my neck the sweet smell of lavender assaulted me. This was the new thing I craved, the new memories I was going to make. My chest constricted as bright copper curls flashed through my mind. I closed my eyes and took in a long breath.

  "You all right, Todd?" Emma's quiet voice broke the coil that was building.

  "Yeah. Sorry." I moved quickly, getting Molly in her pajamas. She snuggled into her bed, and I situated the stuffed animals like she had the last time I was here. "You ready for a song?"

  She bobbed her head and smiled. I started to hum at first, trying to find the right tone. The lyrics from "Fix You" by Cold play fell smoothly from my lips. The meaning behind the words were sad but hopeful, and I wanted hope for Molly. I needed to believe that I would always be here for her, no matter how hard I was hurting right now. She was my world, my sweet baby girl, and I had to be a whole person for her, I just had to. My fingers dusted over her small face, her soft skin was the most perfect thing I'd ever felt as I tried to soothe my daughter to sleep. Molly inclined toward the touch, and my mouth turned up at the edges.

  Once the song was over, I bent down and kissed her on the cheek. "Night, my sweet girl."

  "Night, Daddy."

  Emma sniffled as I pulled Molly's door shut. "Todd… that was… so beautiful." Her eyes glistened. She raised her hand to my face, her fingertips brushed at the hair that was hanging low on my forehead. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you. You're such a good man."

  "I'm trying, Emma." My smile was small. Emma lifted onto her tiptoes, her lips met the corner of my mouth and lingered. She turned her head infinitesimally, her mouth now flush with mine. My hand instinctively lifted to her face as her lips moved gently against me. This kiss was like a slow poison — the physical touch I required, the love I needed to feel. "Lily," I whispered against her lips.

  Emma stepped back abruptly. The motion brought me back to reality. The shame started to suffocate me immediately. "W-what." Her hand shook as she brought her fingers to her mouth. "Oh my gosh, I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry, you looked so… and I just care about you… I mean… I forgot about her." She looked down at her feet.

  "I'm sorry, Emma. I'm—"

  Her head shot up. "Wait… you kissed me back, Todd."

  "Lily left me, Em. I'm all mixed up right now. I'm sorry, I'm such a shit. I shouldn't have—"

  "She left you?" Emma looked at me with compassion.

  "It's a long story, but I'm just fucked up over it." I winced. "Sorry, I shouldn't swear."

  "You kissed me back because you wished it was her." It was a statement, not a question.

  I didn't want to hurt Emma, but I couldn't be with her like that. She wasn't the one who made everything right for me. "I need some time to get my head straight, but I'm here for Mol, okay? I wasn't lying when I told you I'd be here for her no matter what."

  "I'm sorry I kissed you." She gave me a repentant smile. Emma was a good person; she just wanted the wrong guy.

  "I'm sorry, too." I wrapped my palm around the back of her head as I gently pulled her to my chest. "You're a good girl, and I'm so glad, so damn appreciative, that Molly has you to look up to."

  Emma enfolded her arms around my waist as she spoke, "We can do this."

  I wasn't in love with Emma, but right now, in this moment, we were both just two broken people, two friends, two people who never seemed to get what they wanted, but just maybe in each other we could find some semblance of happiness. We had one hell of connection after all, and her sweet little eyes were closed as she slept in the next room. "We can."

  I WAS ABOUT A MILE away from Emma's house when my phone dinged. My stomach dropped when I saw it was just Colby.

  Colby: Seth said you're in town. Can you stop by?

  I wanted to kill him for what he said to Lily. I thought it best if I didn't see him in person.

  Me: I don't think you want to see me right now.

  His text was immediate.

  Colby: I know she left. Seth told me. I feel like shit.

  Me: You should feel like shit…

  Colby: Just stop by.

  I ignored his text and continued to drive south. My phone alerted again. This time it was Cameron.

  Cam: Please. Your brother is an asshole and feels like a dick. Let him apologize.

  Maybe I'd just stop by, punch him in his face, and then leave. I smiled, that sounded perfect.

  Me: On my way.

  Cam: Thank You.

  She wouldn't be thanking me in about ten minutes. I was going to lay that little shit out. I made a U-turn, and the engine roared as I pushed down on the accelerator.

  Colby and Cam lived up by the University in a small, one bedroom apartment. The apartment complex was always crawling with Frat boys, basically party central.
I hated coming here, and, right now, all I wanted to do was put my fist through Colby's jaw. The alarm for my truck chirped twice as I pressed down on the remote lock. They lived on the first floor, so Cam must have looked out her window when I pulled up because she met me at the front door. She hurriedly stepped out from the apartment and shut the door. My adrenaline was thrumming searching for release.

  "Whoa, Todd. I know you're upset, and I know how you guys get with each other, but listen… he feels super bad." Cam's eyes widened as she took in my appearance.

  My jaw was tight, my shoulders rolled back, and my nostrils flared. "Cammie, get the hell out of my way." She pressed her palms flat against my chest.

  "Todd, he didn't… I've never seen you this pissed… you need to breathe." Cam pushed on my chest again, and my muscles flexed. Nope, there was no way I was backing down. I was beyond fucking pissed. All my rage, all my hurt, all this damn loss was flooding my circuits. I was misfiring, and it was because of him, because what he said spooked her… Lily, I allowed myself to think the name. The thought of her name, the sound of it, was like shrapnel in my head.

  "Get. Out. Of. My. Way." I easily pushed forward, Cam's huff lost on me. Cold fury washed over my body as I stepped through the threshold of their apartment. Colby was just coming from the kitchen when he saw me.

  "Hey, we need—"

  I didn't let him finish. The force in which my fist hit Colby's face caused the bone to crack noisily and blood to spurt from his nose. My left fist met his stomach, and he fell to his knees gasping for air. My breathing was labored as I tackled him to the ground. We wrestled on the ground, and I was able to get him into a headlock. Colby punched me in the side, and I grunted, losing my grip on his throat for a split second. My hand slipped in something wet and we both fell over onto the ground.