by K. L. Jessop
“I’m a former addict, Lucy, the temptation is always going to be there. Besides, the clubs wasn’t the reason for my addiction, it was a result of my childhood. And you said you would support me.”
“And I will. I just don’t see why you can’t get something more practical.”
“I know it's not ideal but it’s all I know. I'm in a better place than I was back then. I have you and Charlie to keep me focused. And I need the money.” I cross my legs and look down at Charlie playing with the few toys that he has—the ones that CS provided—and for the first time express my irritation with being in her system. “I hate this, Lucy. All of it. I hate going to bed at night knowing that my son is being brought up financially by someone else—by a system. I hate that I've already failed him because of the rough start he’s had in life. I want to provide for him. I want to be the one that buys him things, take him places knowing it's with my own earnings and not someone else’s goddamn charity.”
“Tori,” she says tenderly.
I can’t look up because the last thing I want is that look of fucking pity on her face I know damn well is there. Lucy can be a hard professional when she wants but I know there’s a soft side to her and her guard falls when it comes to Charlie. She is the only one that knows everything there is to know about me: what happened with my step-father, the death of my mother, why I left foster care on my eighteenth birthday and why I went down the road of self-destruction like I did. But that look I know she’s giving me right now will only piss me off. I don’t deserve people’s empathy when I’m the one that created the carnage in my life. “I need you to trust me on this one, Lucy.”
We are silent a moment and when I finally look up, I find her staring at me long and hard as though she’s considering everything I’ve said.
“Fine. But if you at any time feel yourself urging towards your old ways, you’re out straight away, no matter how good the pay is, you hear me?”
“Yes, boss.”
“I’m not happy with this, Tori, not one little bit. Don’t. Fuck. Up.”
With that, she takes her files and leaves, leaving a feeling of dissatisfaction and annoyance in my stomach.
“Gone,” Charlie’s little voice says, looking towards the door as he points. I smile, stretching forward to pick him up to lay him out in front of me on the bed. His big brown eyes beam, matching his grin as his fine blond hair falls lightly across his forehead. “You, young man, are far too cute. Do you love your mummy?”
He shakes his head and smiles.
“No?” I say surprised. “Right. That’s it.” I pin him down teasingly, and tickle under his arms. He screams in delight, trying to wriggle away from me. I give him a little breather, before doing it again, loving the sounds that erupt from him.
“No, Mama,” he exhales.
“Do you want me to stop?” I laugh. “Shall Mummy stop?”
His eyes sparkle and that little toothy grin spreads across his face with his devilish personality. “More.”
“Oh, you want more? Okay I’m coming to get-cha.” I raise a hand as if I’m going to pounce on him and after a few seconds, I run my fingers across his chest in another tickle. We are both laughing hard, trying to catch our breaths. Leaning down, I rest my forehead against his, his little hand clasps my face. I love this. No matter what the day brings, or where the nights take me, having Charlie is everything. He’s the glue that keeps me together. And I’m so proud that I can call him mine. “I know you’re too young to understand this, Doodles, but Mummy is going to make this better for you.” I kiss his forehead. “I’m going to make a better life for you baby, it'll just take time, okay?”
“Dat?” he points.
“That is Mummy’s nose.” We seem to go through this game every time we are this close to each other.
“Dis?”
“Mummy’s mouth.” I capture his finger between my lips and he pulls it out with a pop. The morning sun is low as it’s before midday and the tide is out for a few more hours. With the garden area that’s attached to our house still needing a little work for Charlie to play safely, I decide to take him to the beach again for our morning activity. “Come on, little dude. Let’s go and collect some shells so we can make our bathroom look pretty?”
Charlie has given up looking for shells and instead tots around on the uneven sand, shrieking in excitement and pointing at things that amuse him. It’s calming and has my body and mind so chilled. An unexpected flutter tickles my stomach when my mind drifts to Lucas. He has the same effect on me, only I can’t work out why. What confuses me is the reaction he has on my body. I can feel his touch before he’s even made contact, and he seems to stop every bad nightmare that consumes my mind. I’ve never let anyone get close in the way I’ve let Lucas. He may not know anything, but he knows more than I’ve ever shared before, and even though he’s made it clear he wants me, I find comfort in the way he listens.
Charlie stands from where he is sitting, brushing the sand from his hands in a clap and doing a little hop as he runs in a circle. He comes to a stop. His eyes transfixed on the glitter on his hand from the grains of sand. His mouth shapes into an ‘o’ with surprise before he bends his hips and presses his head in the sand. He looks back at me with a wicked grin.
“Charlie,” I laugh. “What are you doing?”
“Mama,” he shouts, jigging his body. I know what he’s after. I was doing the same thing the other day, standing on my head and stretching out my body in a head stand.
“You want Mummy to do it too?”
“Es!”
I get up from our little spot at the top of the beach to join him; he giggles as I approach. “Ok, you ready?” I kneel beside him and place my head on the sand, positioning myself to steady my body before I lift into a headstand. He turns his head to face me and laughs a little more as I smile at him. “Does Mummy look funny?” I ask before I hear the coos of a female behind me.
“You two are so sweet.”
I bring myself down and look up to find a blonde woman in a bikini top and frayed Denim shorts watching us. The belly chain around her thin stomach catches my attention more than anything; it’s something I’ve not seen in years as the fashion has changed, yet she somehow works it like she was in last week’s Vogue Magazine. She’s pretty. Her light blue eyes match the colour of today’s sky and her snow-white hair falls in light messy curls over her shoulders. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt, but it was just too cute to ignore.”
“That’s okay, I can only stay there so long when he’s around. I have to be on alert and ready to run if he should bolt.”
“How old is he?”
“Two.”
“He’s very steady on his feet.”
I smile, thinking back to when he took his first few steps at just eleven months. “He was practically walking from the moment he was born.”
“Are you here on holiday?”
“No, we moved here almost two weeks ago now.”
She kneels to Charlie’s level, who’s now drawing pictures in the sand with his fingers, and copies him. Praising him when he looks at her. “Have you made any new buddies yet?” she asks, smiling at my son but aiming her question at me.
I've not done the friendship thing in a long time. For years I wouldn't get involved with others more than I had to. It was easier that way. It hardened you quicker to the bullshit of what was going on around you. I kept myself to myself and my business my own. Now, I want to have people I care about around me, if not for my sake but for Charlie. But that’s a part of the recovery programme I'm still trying to work on. We are always told in meetings to ‘Learn to accept others as they could be your saviour not your downfall.’
Maybe that’s why I only let Lucas know so much.
“Not quite,” I reply.
“Great! I can be your first. We’ll make great friends.”
I can’t help but smile. “You may not like me?”
“Do you like Tequila?”
“Yes.”<
br />
“You like dancing?”
“Yes.”
Excitement fills her eyes. “Then we’re a perfect match and everything else is history. Besides, you have tattoos I want to know more about and a cute baby that will charm the pants off anyone.”
I scan my eyes over the ink on my thigh as she shifts herself to sit beside me. “Plus, you have a look about you that tells me you’re a bad-ass kinda girl.”
“Oh, well that’s alright then,” I joke.
“It is. My inner child is a bad-ass.”
I like this woman already. “I’m Tori by the way, and this little heartthrob is Charlie.”
“I’m Megan, not long wed and Spring Rose’s answer to an adventurous night out and a weekend of nothing but fun.” The glee in her eyes tells me she’s not kidding, and I can imagine she’ll be the right sort of person to hang out with when I need some down time from playing mum.
“Fun. Jeez, I can’t remember the last time I had fun outside of dirty nappies and sticky hand prints on the walls.” I smile, looking at Charlie.
“Well we’ll have to arrange something. My bestie, Amelia, who’s out of town with her fiancé Marcus at the moment, is always up for hitting the clubs and dancing the night away. You’ll love her, she’s the only redhead in the bay so you can’t miss her.”
“Is she as bouncy as you?”
“Once I’ve filled her with alcohol.”
I grin. I can’t remember the last time I connected with another female so quickly. With her big eyes and fresh wide smile, there seems to be this energy about Megan that I love. “So, I have a question. Why are you so… happy?”
She falls to her back, lifts her left-hand in the air to show off the large rock that’s on her wedding finger and beams. “Because I love my husband, and I love my life.”
I turn onto my stomach, keeping Charlie in view. “Is he your knight in shining armour?”
“He is now?”
“Oh,” I look at her in surprise. “Was he not before?”
“Fuck no, he was a miserable arsehole.”
I laugh out loud at her dryness. “You know what? I think you’re right, we’ll definitely make great friends.”
I don’t know how long we stay there chatting and building sandcastles for Charlie, but as he falls asleep in my arms I know it’s been a few hours. My own bed is calling when I start to feel the effects of working last night catch up with me. I need to sleep before I start all over again tonight. It’s been good to talk to someone that doesn’t pry into my life.
“So, I forgot to ask,” Megan says after we exchange numbers, Charlie snuggled in my neck. “Do you work? Because I run an entertainment programme. I’m sure I can find you something if you’re looking.”
I smile, grateful with her generosity. “Thanks, but I’ve just started a new job at The Scarlett Lounge. I’m a lap dancer.”
Her eyes widen and a grin creeps across her face. “Holy shit. I wasn’t wrong when I said you were bad-ass.”
“What can I say? Mummy by day, devil by night.”
Surprisingly she gives me a hug and softly strokes Charlie’s hair before adding, “Everyone is going to love you—both of you. I’ll call you and arrange something.” With that, she jumps in her car and drives off, waving her arm like a crazy idiot out of the window and leaving me laughing.
Maybe coming back here is going to be better than I thought after all.
Chapter Eight
Lucas.
The weather so far this year has been a little unpredictable to say the least; the months of January to March were absolutely freezing to the point where I had contemplated returning to Los Angeles just for the warmer weather. Thankfully, since then, it has begun to settle, and the warmer days are hopefully just around the corner. One of my main hobbies in LA—like it is here—was keeping up with the surf, riding the waves like I was on top of the world with the sun beating down on my skin. Surfing gives me the opportunity to escape my thoughts, the worries I may have lingering in the back of my mind. On the other hand, it awakens the endorphins that leave me buzzing. Other than the waves being a few meters lower, the Spring Rose surf is no different. It still has the ability to take me to a place of escape when things are getting tough.
Today is one of those days.
After another restless night of thinking of my raven bird or constant flashbacks of Selena, I’ve been riding the early morning waves on Rixton beach with Jack before dawn’s even broken. Selena used to try to bust my arse when it came to surfing. Originally, when I first dragged her out of bed at a ridiculous hour and headed to the beach, she would sit on the sand in one of her teenage strops with the hood of her jumper pulled tight to her head because it was too early. Eventually, like I knew it would, the curiosity took over and she wanted to learn. Once I agreed to teach her, she was out of fucking bed faster than I’d ever seen her move before. She was a fast learner and within a few months was riding the water independently with a wicked grin on her face as she hooted ‘Thank you, Jesus’ with excitement.
A sharp pain of regret hits my gut from the remembrance.
“Lucas!” Jack snaps, interrupting my thoughts and flicking water at me as we straddle our boards. He decided to join me this morning after finishing at Rubies a little later than expected and came to the beach before going home.
“What?”
“You alright? You’ve not heard a word I’ve said.”
“Sorry, man.” I sigh, shaking the memories from my head. “What were you saying?”
“I asked if you’ve heard from Marcus and Amelia?”
“Not since the other day. But my Instagram feed is filled daily with tulip fields, wild flowers and a redhead that is in her element.” It's no lie. Marcus even posted a video of her reaction when he told her where he was taking her. She’d screamed in delight and cried in shock before jumping on him and kissing the shit out of him.
Jack chuckles. “Amelia and her flowers are like sunshine and sand: the two come together.”
“Right, she’d get Marcus to set up a tulip farm here if she could.”
“Jesus, don’t put ideas in her head.”
“So how was the club last night? Did you miss me?” I did my first night shift at The Grand Hotel, calling in the favour Amelia asked me and covering for her. It was a nice change, if I’m honest. Working in the seven star with marble floors and huge rooms was a nice replacement to chucking people out of Rubies or pinning drunks against the wall if things got out of hand.
“Yeah, because I love heading out the back and finding a woman wrapped around your rod,” he says sarcastically.
“Do I detect a little jealousy, Mr Quinn?”
“No, you detect a relieved man that didn’t have to worry about what he was going to find if he looked over his shoulder.”
I laugh, turning to look at the colours in the sky from the remaining sunrise. A smile tugs my lips and a familiar woman crosses my thoughts as light lavender hues paint the sky. I didn’t see her last night when I finished my shift at the hotel, and I can’t say that I didn’t deliberately wait for her outside Rubies—because I did. I guess it wasn’t a case of third time lucky. The disappointment and the need of wanting to see her again ever since she ran out again has driven me around the fucking bend.
“Hey, you heard about some new chick that’s started at Scarlett’s?” Jack asks, unzipping the top half of his wetsuit, shaking the water from his hair and stretching his tattooed body.
“No. And since when did you go to Scarlett’s without me?”
“I haven’t, that’s why I said have you heard, dickhead. A couple guys were talking about her last night.”
“She strips?”
“No, she’s a lap dancer and by all accounts is a fucking brilliant one. Nathan said he had one dance with her and ended up jerking off in the men’s bathroom because he was so hard he couldn’t walk straight.”
I throw my head back with a laugh. “More like he’s yet to properly get laid an
d gets hard just by a chick smiling at him.” Nathan is the other barman that works at Rubies, he’s all mouth and no balls and talks the talk when it comes to the ladies, but he’s yet to live up to his own expectations. Jack and I rip the shit out of him on the shifts that we all work together. He’s a good guy though, don’t get me wrong—always up for a laugh and keeps the ladies entertained when need be—but at times he’s also a complete wanker. “So, I’m guessing we need to check this chick out sometime soon. You up for it?” I ask.
“Yeah, when I have a night off. Marcus needs to really investigate getting more staff for the summer. I can’t work all out like I did last year, especially since the town has seen an increase in holidaymakers these past two summers. I need some time to chill out.”
“Aww, is Felicity disappointed because she’s not getting any ‘Netflix and chill’ time with you?” I tease.
“We are just friends.”
Which is complete bullshit. Everyone knows they should be more than that, but their heads are so far up each other’s backsides they can’t see what’s right in front of them.
“Dude, you live with her.”
“Believe it or not, Lucas you can actually live with a woman and not bed her.”
“You must have thought about it though.”
“What, fucking her? Jesus Christ, man.” He shakes his head in disbelief, but he doesn’t fool me with the grin he’s trying to hide. I bet the little fucker has dirty thoughts over his roommate. “She’s just a friend.”
“Yeah, a friend who’s hot and has a cracking pair of legs. You’re not telling me that every time she walks around your apartment in nothing but a long shirt and a pair of skimpy hot pants that you’ve not thought about taking her against the back of the sofa.”
He lays back on his board with a shit eating grin on his face.