Chapter 21
Patch
The rain was pouring down. There was no way we’d be able to walk to the main building where our friends were. Kate and Ellen got into the gym with Clark, Cody, and Corporal Wade. The soldiers had already bandaged Phil up, but he was drained of his energy and needed rest.
“How is he?” Kate asked.
“He’ll live, but he needs uninterrupted rest,” Corporal Wade answered.
“See? I told ya he was gonna be okay. I told ya!” Hanna said to Lewis.
“Yeah, I heard you,” Lewis said, crossing his arms.
“Where’s McKenzie? He wouldn’t want to miss this,” Michael said.
Kate and Ellen looked at each other before turning to Michael.
“He’s . . . you’ll see him tomorrow,” Kate answered.
“He’s at the other building?” Michael asked with a smile.
“Yeah, he’s at the other building.”
“Okay, then I guess we’re sleeping here, huh? Last night before we go home.”
Kate and Ellen didn’t smile back.
“Come on! Cheer up! We’ll be outta here!” Michael said, with a cheerful tone.
Kate gave a gentle smile, “Yeah . . . be home before we know it.”
“Yeah! That’s the spirit.”
They went over to gather some stuff to make themselves beds. While they were away, Jess and I looked up at Captain Noir and he shook his head. We knew right away. Jess and I walked over to the captain.
“Are they okay? Our friends?” I asked.
“They’re alive and fine, but . . . we lost Danny Sutherland and Helga Barnes,” Captain Noir answered.
“Danny and Helga are dead?” Jess asked.
“Yeah, they fought hard. They killed every last zombie, but they both got bit and went out on their own terms.”
I sighed.
Jess cursed under her breath, “Dammit.”
“When are the choppers coming to get us the fuck out of this nightmare?” I asked.
“Tomorrow at first light. The storm will be gone by then,” Captain Noir answered.
“Good.”
“In the meantime, let’s get comfortable. Storm’s not over yet and the night is still young.”
Jess and I gathered what we could to make ourselves comfortable in an office. We had our rifles and swords resting close against the wall – our pistols were even closer. It was quiet for a while as we settled in. Just before I was about to turn off the LED camping lantern, Jess broke the silence.
“I hope it was all worth it,” Jess said.
“What?” I asked.
“Everything we’ve done, everything that’s happened, all the killing, all the death, and pain to find some people we don’t really give two shits about – I hope it was all worth it.”
“For Nathan on Ellen’s behalf, and us on his, was it worth it? We probably saved their lives, so I guess that counts for something.”
“Hmph.”
Before I turned the lantern off, I had to ask.
“Do you think it wasn’t?” I asked.
Jess left a long pause before answering, “I would die for you. I’d die for Molly and all the others, but I don’t think risking our lives for people that aren’t really our people is something we should do again in the future. I know Nate and Ashley would say different, but all I’m saying is our people come first. We may be in the same army, but we should risk our lives for the right people.”
“Are we really in that kind of position to decide who’s worth saving and who’s not? I think what Nate did was morally right, even if we don’t fully agree. I hear what you’re saying Jess, but saving people on our side, regardless whether they’re our people, is the humane thing to do. And you and I both know that’s important – something beyond ourselves,” I stated.
“Not out here. I’m all for doing the right thing and being human, but I chose you and our people first every time – others come a distant second. The moment I know you guys are safe first, that’s when I’ll go be someone else’s hero,” Jess replied back.
I sighed, “Alright, Jess, I get it. Alright.”
“Just promise me you’ll do the same,” Jess said, tugging my arm.
“Fine, I promise I’ll save you and our people before anyone else,” I assured her.
Before I turned off the lantern, we heard noises just outside the office. It was Clark and Cody’s voices.
“Clark, do you seriously have to do this?” Cody asked.
“Yes, Cody, I do. Here and now seems like a great place to talk and I want to know!” Clark asserted.
Jess and I got up to see the boys with Corporal Wade.
“You wanna know what’s going on with me, Clark?” Cody asked.
“Yes! Tell me what’s going on. This has been on my mind all day!” Clark answered.
Cody sighed deeply before answering, “Alright, I’ll tell you . . . I’m gay.”
Clark showed a very surprised expression. Jess and I weren’t too stunned by it while Corporal Wade’s expression didn’t change at all.
“That’s great, Cody. That’s cool,” I said.
“Yeah, congrats – happy for you man,” Jess added.
“Thank you,” Cody said.
“It’s not easy coming out,” Corporal Wade said.
Clark started, “Wait a minute, you’re—”
“Gay, yes. I like men romantically. I’m not into girls like you are,” Cody stated, clearly.
Clark gave somewhat a shocked look as if taking in what he was saying. Then he turned to Corporal Wade.
“You knew about this?” Clark asked.
“What do you think?” Corporal Wade responded.
“Oh . . . oh, yeah . . . yeah-yeah, that’s great. How long have you known?”
“Since I started dating my boyfriend a year ago.”
“A year ago? You’ve . . . you’ve kept it a secret this whole time? Why didn’t—why didn’t you just tell me?”
Cody squinted a glare at Clark like he was an idiot.
“Why didn’t I tell you? You of all people?” Cody started.
Clark gave a confused look, “Wha?”
“Why didn’t I tell my overbearing brother, who’s almost exactly the same as my overbearing father, that I was gay? Why didn’t I say anything? Is that what you’re asking me?”
“Ye-yeah. Why didn’t you say something?”
“I don’t fucking know, Clark! Maybe I didn’t say anything because I thought you’d do what you always do, which is make a big fucking deal about it, and in the end, you were better off not knowing about it at all.”
“Better off not knowing? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Cody shrugged and suggested, “Maybe, it’s because you’re homophobic.”
Clark’s eyes widened in shock, “Homophobic?! I’m not homophobic! What makes you think I’m homophobic?!”
“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe, it’s because of the kind of friends you hang out with and all the ‘oh man, look at those gay shoes, look at that gay shirt,’ or ‘that’s so gay man,’ this and ‘that’s so gay that.’ You say that for everything that you don’t like or make fun of.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m homophobic. That’s just guys dicking around being guys!”
Cody rolled his eyes.
“Cody, it’s just locker room talk! We’re—”
“No! No! No! Clark . . . just shut up. I’m really, really not in the mood to hear your bullshit,” Cody said, with an angry look.
“Why are you talking to me like this?”
“Because sometimes your voice is the worst sound, I’ve ever heard. You know what I can’t stand about you? You can’t accept that I’m no longer the screw up I was when this whole shitstorm outbreak started. You and Dad don’t know how to process that I can actually change into something better, from a loser into a winner!”
“That’s not true! I never thought you were a loser! I was always proud of you! You’re my brother for C
hrist’s sake!” Clark replied, raising his voice.
“You always treated me like a loser. You enjoyed seeing me fail, because it made you feel superior which is why you feel compelled to lecture and try to toughen me up. Even though, deep down inside it is unfathomable to you that I could actually be a man instead of being nothing more than your little brother.”
“Is that you believe? That I was hard on you, because I enjoy seeing you fail? I was trying to help get hard and tough because of the world we live in! I never intended to hurt you or make you feel bad.”
“You call that help?” Cody asked.
“Yes! That’s what I’m doing right now. I just want to help,” Clark answered.
“You wanna help? Just back the fuck up and leave me alone so I can breathe for once. Can you do that for me? Please? Can you just do one fucking thing for me?”
Clark stared at his brother for a while before turning around and walking away. Jess and I looked at each other thinking we should lighten the mood up.
“So, Cody, tell us about your boyfriend. What’s his name?” I asked.
Cody turned to us with only the slightest of a smile before sitting down, “Fred, his name is Fred. Fredrick Anthony Wentworth.”
Jess nodded and said, “Good name, I like it.”
Chapter 22
Nathan/Sonny
“Feelings are something you have, not something you are.”
– Shannon L. Alder
I woke up with a bright sun beaming down on me. I sat up to see that I was in some kind of salt flat. The sand was almost as bright as the sky, but the sky was deep blue and cirrus clouds were scattered everywhere. The beaming sunlight made the white ground glisten. I was alone and my friends were nowhere to be seen. A calm and steady breeze blew in my face.
“Ashley? Carrie? Molly! Guys!” I called.
I looked around and saw that the flat stretched as far as the eye could see. Where am I? I felt so lost. Then a shadow cast on me from behind. It was the shape of a man.
The man spoke in a familiar voice, “Hey, kiddo.”
“I know that voice!” I thought.
I turned around and it was Brad! He was standing there in his casual clothes looking at me with a smile.
“Brad!” I choked out.
I got up and hugged him instantly. He gently hugged me back.
“Whoa, you’ve gotten big. Someone’s growing up,” Brad said.
“Yeah, couple of years will do that to ya,” I said.
“Where’s that kid I used to know?”
“If you see him, give him a holler. What a minute . . . is this Heaven? Am I dead?!”
“No, Sonny, I’m dead. You’re having a dream.”
“I am?”
“Yep.”
“Oh . . . but wait. How—?”
“Let’s go for a walk. That sound good?”
“Uh, yeah actually. That does sound good.”
Brad and I walked on the salt flat. It was awfully bright, but somehow my eyes weren’t too bothered by it. It was kinda nice, but I still felt bad. I could hear Kate’s voice calling me an animal. I could still see McKenzie getting eaten by the zombies.
“How are my girls doing?” Brad asked, with an arm around my shoulder.
“They’re alive and . . . doing well under the circumstances. I mean, we’ve been recruited by the Army to fight zombies and we just fought off a big band of armed bandits with more zombies than I can count. So, we’ve been better.”
“You three making friends? I know it’s not summer camp, but you can never have too many friends.”
“Yeah, we have. A lot, actually. They’re really cool.”
“That’s good, Sonny, or should I say, Nathan?”
I looked up at him and said, “Brad, I didn’t replace my parents. Clara is—”
“Is in shock and needs some time therapy to recover so she doesn’t shut down, especially when she has a daughter to continue living for. I’m proud of you,” Brad said.
“Thank you . . . and it actually feels nice to be part of a normal family.”
“But that’s not what’s bothering you, is it?”
I looked away and my eyes wandered across the salt flat.
I sighed, “No, it’s not. I’ve . . . I’ve got a lot of blood on my hands. Killing zombies, I have no problem with. Normally, I don’t feel anything when it comes to killing people, but . . .”
“But?” Brad asked.
“For some reason, I keep seeing them – the people I’ve killed . . . their faces,” I said.
Brad stopped us, “So what do you feel?”
“How do I feel?”
“Yes, how do you feel? You remember that TV show you used to watch with my daughters that had Fred Rogers?”
“You mean, ‘It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.’ ‘Won’t you be my Neighbor?’ That guy? He was really nice. That Fred Rogers?” I asked.
“Yes, him. You remember how he always talked about real issues like war, death, assassination, life, love, and feelings? He always did in a way, so that both kids and adults can understand. So, let’s try it. Let’s talk about how you feel, Sonny,” Brad prodded.
“Okay, but can we sit somewhere?”
“How about those boulders right there?”
I nodded and answered, “Sure.”
The boulders were kind of big, so we had to climb to get on top. It was worth the climb, because we got a magnificent view of the salt flats that had some water. It looked like we were in the middle of the ocean and it was perfectly still and calm, with the reflection of the sky on it – like there were two skies.
“That is really something,” I spoke.
“It is. It’s good that you stop and recognize there’s still some beauty left around you. Not many people do that,” Brad said.
“Yeah.”
After some silence and just taking in the view, Brad spoke, “So, how do you feel?”
I thought hard before I answered, “I feel a lot of things. I feel . . . sad that the world is not what it used to be anymore, and that such terrible things have happened to so many people. I feel happy that I’m not alone, because I have not only your daughters for family, but we’ve met some people that are genuinely good people who love us – and words can’t express how much I love them all – including Clara. She’s a really great lady.”
Brad nodded with a smile and said, “You’re right, that’s good. That’s really good.”
“But I also feel confused that the Pacific Army has chosen to recruit children to raise an army for the next generation of soldiers. At the same time, I’m relieved that I’m part of that so that I can protect the only home that my family and friends live in. However, slippery as that slope is, I also feel angry that the world is so hostile and unsafe.”
The look Brad was giving me was telling me that he knew that there was something else I wasn’t saying.
I continued, “Recently, my friends and I came a long way to find someone. My adopted sister’s best friend, Kate Campbell. Our camp was attacked by bandits and the army had to evacuate everyone and some got separated. When we found her, the zombies were chasing us and we had to run.”
“What happened?” Brad asked.
“We headed for this building to get inside. It was me, Carrie, Molly, Kate, and some others . . . and one more, McKenzie. Everyone got inside, but Kate and McKenzie were stuck in the revolving door. So, what we did was try to squeeze one through and then pull the door so the other can get through without letting the zombies in. We got Kate through, but the zombies were pushing through so hard. Danny and I tried hard to pull the door to get McKenzie in, but . . . the zombies got him. I didn’t save him. I failed to save him.”
There was a long moment before I spoke again.
“Then these bandits showed up and set a trap on us. We had to run to kill them off, but Kate and Ellen got caught in a trap so the bandits were on them while we were dealing with the zombies. The bandits were gonna kill Kate and Ellen, b
ut my friends and I managed to get back and stop them. But Kate started screaming at me, she called us . . . animals. She said that we belong out there in the badlands with the other predators and that . . . well, those words are sinking in and I can’t get them out of my head.”
“Called you animals, huh? Why do you think she’d call you that and say that you belong out there?” Brad asked.
“I think it’s because she’s just scared, because it is just so surreal,” I answered.
“Or maybe, she feels responsible because she survived and McKenzie didn’t and wants to push the blame on you. Survivor’s guilt which she finds intolerable to live with. That she can’t face that kind of reality, the same way Clara can’t face that her son is dead?” Brad suggested.
I nodded in understanding and said, “Maybe . . . but maybe a part of me wonders if she’s right. That we’ve become animals . . . just another form of predator.”
“Do you really think you and your friends are animals? Predators?”
“We know how to survive and how to fight, but we’re not animals . . . not like these savages that have been trying to kill us. We’re not them. We’ve only fought and killed to defend ourselves. My friend, who is also a captain – who’s chewed some rough ground – tells me that fear and insecurity go hand-in-hand. That my friends represent part of the changing world that is so terrifying and that’s what Kate’s afraid of. I think she’s scared of how much her world has changed.”
Brad studied my face.
“So, even though you know that what she said is not true, a part of you feels that maybe she’s right? It sounds to me that you’re having trouble dealing with conflicting emotions,” Brad stated.
“How do you deal with conflicting emotions?” I asked.
“Well, focus on what you know to be true, Sonny. What is true is that you and your friends are trying to survive and protect those you love or those who can’t protect themselves. If you wanted, you could walk up to Kate and tell her that what she said was wrong but unfortunately, that won’t change what she feels or thinks while she’s in pain or sorting things out. You know what’s true and you don’t need to change her mind. I’ve dealt with assholes in my day, but it’s up to you how to process this. Just remember, whatever choices you make, don’t forget who you are and the reasons you are fighting to survive.”
The Dark Days Series | Book 2 | Sanctuary Page 38