by Max Lockwood
Clara knew, even without having to see her face, that it was more because she didn’t want to say the words than anything holding them back. So it must have been something bad. It also probably involved Clara.
Though it still surprised her that, with everything Tessa had survived so far, a nightmare still did her in. And, this time, it wasn’t the recurring dream she’d apparently had since she’d watched their parents die.
While Clara could feel sorry for her sister, she couldn’t understand. Tessa had been lost to her for years, in a state not unlike the one she was in now. Where she thought she was some kind of psychic and could see visions and premonitions of the future. Back then, the doctors had said it was simple mental trauma, but Clara never saw anything simple in it. It had felt, to her, like she’d lost her sister.
Not that Tessa was entirely to blame. Clara had pushed her away while she tried to cope with her own grief. She did feel some guilt because of that, and she would help her sister no matter what, but she was more than tired of the psychic thing, had been a long time ago. Now that it had been gone for a while, she wouldn’t take it well that it was coming back out of nowhere, no matter how much she loved her sister.
Clara didn’t think she could even pretend.
Her sister seemed to notice Clara was no longer paying attention, because suddenly, clawed hands were digging into her shoulders, making her wince, and Tessa shook her until her teeth rattled.
“Tess!”
“Would you just listen to me!” Tessa all but screeched, and she worried her sister might wake the rest of the house.
She didn’t want the others to see her sister in such a sorry state, but Clara didn’t think she’d have much of a choice, besides covering Tessa’s mouth with her hand, and she didn’t think that would go over so well with her sister in the state that she was in.
“What the hell, Tessa?” she hissed, trying to pry her sister’s hands away from her shoulders as she finally let up on the shaking. “Let go of me.”
But her sister didn’t even seem to have heard her. “Clara, this is real,” she said, voice growing frantic. “Why won’t you believe me? It is real this time, honest! I saw everything, and I saw you die—” she choked a little on the word, and Clara felt her heart clench in sympathy.
“Tess,” she said quietly, and her hands stopped trying to pry Tessa’s off, instead placing her hands over her sister’s and trying to ignore the sting.
Whether it was a nightmare, or whatever it was that her sister saw, it was probably real to her. Clara didn’t have a lot of nightmares herself, which she found amazing and a blessing, considering the life she’d been living since the EMP attack. When it happened, and a plane had come down in the middle of traffic, Clara had been one of the first to see it and run away. If she’d been late, she might not have even escaped the blowback from the explosion, not to mention the flying debris, and Cooper would have died with her, since they usually carpooled to get to work.
Clara had, somehow, managed to find herself in several threatening situations since, and though she didn’t come out of them without a scratch and some mental scars, she had lived through it all.
But her sister… Clara thought her big sister was more sensitive than she was to some things. Technically, they both reacted in the wrong ways, but Clara’s way had allowed her to live normally, if not happily, while Tessa’s way had led to her isolating herself in the house for roughly ten years.
This, though, she did understand.
She could imagine how Tessa felt, after they’d watched their grandmother die. Clara had images of the same thing happening to Tessa, her heart had about stopped when she’d found her sister crumpled behind their broken car and her mind had jumped to the worst case scenario.
“Clara, please, just believe me.”
She sighed. As much as she felt for her sister, her stance on this wasn’t changing. There was a time when she’d thought it might be possible. She’d been lost in despair at the time and gave into everything Tessa had been spouting. Tessa had given her cold truths that she didn’t like, but had to face, when she realized some of the extent to which the EMP had affected their town and those around them.
She’d made the stupid assumption that her town was the only one to have lived through a plane crashing down on it. But when she and Cooper went to trade medical supplies in another town near theirs, it was to find that the hospital had been reduced to nothing but rubble. She had imagined the same thing happening in so many other places…
But she’d come back to her senses, and she didn’t intend on sliding back. Her sanity depended on it this time.
“It can’t be true, Tess—I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt you,” she said with finality.
She couldn’t say anything as to her own death if she continued getting into dangerous situations, but they usually came on their own and threatened her family, so it wasn’t like it wasn’t warranted. Either way, she didn’t plan on her sister being there for that.
“If you want to believe in anything, then at least pick that, all right? You’re the only family I have left and I don’t want to lose you. I swear I will do anything to keep you safe, Tess.”
And Clara meant it. Even if she had to die so her sister lived… if she left Tessa with Cooper—or Felicia or Barbara, or even Dante and Michelle, if Cooper was fool enough to still follow her even then—then her soul would rest easy. But Clara was determined, if her sister had to die… if it wasn’t by natural means, Clara intended to go first before she let it happen.
Her words didn’t appease her sister at all. If anything, they seemed to make her madder. Tessa stiffened before pulling away from Clara. She didn’t know what else she could say, though. Her sister didn’t seem to care for comforting words, and Clara was out of any more to give her.
“You can’t, Clara,” she argued, her voice angry. “You seem to think you can do everything, but you can’t, so why won’t you just listen to me? You let Viola die!”
The comment was a punch to the stomach, and Clara couldn’t say anything against it.
It wasn’t as if they hadn’t both been alternating between blaming themselves and blaming others over what happened that day. They’d both aligned together, eventually, that it was the fault of the people of Mawdsley, for attacking their town. They had been going off to get revenge, not knowing their attackers were invading their own town. A part of her still felt that it was less her’s and more Tessa’s fault, and yet Tessa said that to her face.
Feeling like she could no longer stand to talk to her sister, Clara stormed from the room, angry and upset.
It isn’t true… is it?
Was Tessa telling the truth and was Clara the one in denial? Was there more she could have done to save their grandmother? Clara had thought of all the things she could have done differently at the time, but that didn’t really get her anywhere.
She wasn’t looking for “what ifs,” and hindsight was a bitch. She could spend the rest of her life thinking up the same question, and warring sides of her would come up with a different answer each time she asked herself.
There were so many variants, though… it was Tessa’s fault their grandmother had been outside to begin with, but Clara had been the one to let her sister tag along while she went out to patrol their neighborhood. Tessa had been the one to ask in the first place, but Clara had still let her guard down and agreed to it.
Yet, none of it would have been necessary, if it wasn’t for Tessa feeling she was somewhat inferior to Clara, even in their grandmother’s eyes. Clara’s tries to tell her it was a ridiculous notion did nothing to negate the feeling, and Clara didn’t even know where it came from to begin with.
So, was the fault both of theirs, or neither’s?
At the time, Clara had pushed all the blame to the people behind the woman that had made the shot. Clara had killed her, but she had been from that damned town, Mawdsley. The town that had sent attackers to their town several times before already, and
they were all so damned bloodthirsty and effective. So, they had gone for revenge.
But that didn’t work out. With everything else that cropped up after that, Clara hadn't thought about that again. When she thought of her grandmother, she felt regret at her death. But this… indecisiveness, over something no one could help, was entirely her sister’s fault. Not that she was exempt, since she didn’t think she could just not worry about something like this, no matter how much a part of her tried to tell her she was being stupid.
Back in her room, Cooper tried to comfort Clara. He’d come out of the room when she did, and she hadn’t realized he’d followed her until she walked back into their room and he was there behind her. He must have been beside the door, and he probably heard the whole thing.
“You can’t let what she says get to you when she’s upset. Tessa doesn’t know what she’s saying in her manic state. You can talk to her in the morning and I’m sure she’ll apologize for what she said.”
But Clara didn’t want to hear it, and she didn’t respond to his words.
“Could I have done more to save Viola?” she began to wonder aloud. “I mean… I was right there when she got shot. I had a gun on me, yet I couldn’t do anything. They just came out of nowhere, and my reaction time was a few seconds too slow. We might as well have both taken a shot at the same time, but if I had been faster…”
Only one kill shot would have been fired.
But Cooper argued with her conscience.
“You need to stop thinking that way. I know I told you not to forget your grandmother, but this isn’t what I meant. There’s no way you could have reacted in time, it’s a wonder you didn’t freeze in that situation. Plenty of people would have. You did the best that you could, and both you and your grandmother protected your sister.”
Clara wasn’t convinced. She’d gone over the scene so many times before, thoughts running wild with “what ifs.” Now that Tessa had brought them up again, they were going to keep bothering her, because she did feel like she could have done better.
Cooper sighed, obviously giving up on arguing.
“Look, why don’t we just go to sleep and talk things over tomorrow morning? You need to sleep on this. Try not to let it get to you.”
She almost scoffed. That would be impossible. This would bother her for a while, whether either of them liked it or not, because that was just the person Clara was. If she didn’t ignore things like this, they did their best to eat her alive.
Forgetting was so much easier.
She pretended to go to sleep and Cooper turned away, but she lay awake all night, thinking about it.
Chapter Eleven
Tired and groggy, Clara was forced to get up at the crack of dawn to help Jack on the farm.
Well, she couldn’t exactly say she was forced to do it, but Jack had said they had to earn their keep, and she was more than ready to begin. There wasn’t anything else for her to do, anyway, since her eyes were open when the day started lightening up, little by little.
She hadn’t slept at all, but she had promised to work, and when she heard someone moving around when it was barely light out, she assumed it would be Jack. Everyone else was probably too tired and they’d all be asleep till late in the morning, now that they didn’t have to keep moving.
A part of her told her she was just escaping. If she kept herself busy with the farm, she could ignore her problems all she wanted. It was something she did often, and usually it worked for her, so she didn’t mind slipping back.
Besides, the alternative wasn’t any better. She didn’t want to spend who knew how long obsessing over something she couldn’t change. That had to be listed under the definition of a pointless activity. She didn’t even care if Cooper didn’t approve of her method, much.
He had told her not to worry over it… he had said a lot of things. Like that she needed to talk to her sister once they got up, but just the thought made something in Clara shudder.
She had no desire to speak to her sister. She’d intended to speak to Tessa when they were both more clear-headed, so she could try again to talk her sister down, but this was beyond even her. Clara loved her sister, she would grieve for days, weeks, and maybe even months, but this was beyond her ability to just forgive and forget, not this soon, anyway.
Would Tessa even want to speak to her? Would her sister realize her hurtful words and their impact on Clara, or was that how she really felt? A part of Clara wasn’t even interested in finding out.
She didn’t want to speak to Tessa after what her sister had said, even though she could at least admit that the need was there. But just because she should didn’t mean she would.
Clara sat up in the bed and stretched her arms up as she arched her back, working out the kinks in her spine. She rubbed her eyes, then behind her neck, and she knew she was going to have an exhausting day before she even stood up. She’d had a shower yesterday, so she was going to ignore one for the moment. After living so long without the luxury, it felt almost wrong to abuse it by taking a shower more than once a day.
Cooper, being the supportive friend that he was, woke up with her. Though thankfully, he didn’t see her change clothes. Clara wasn’t one for casual nudity. She and Cooper had shared a bed for months, and she’d even had sex with him, the day before her group drove out of town to visit Mawdsley, but there hadn't been anything since, and Clara was starting to wonder if there ever would be.
She was halfway down the stairs when she heard him coming down behind her. She rolled her eyes, knowing without looking that it would be him.
“You should go back to sleep,” she called over her shoulder.
“I’m not tired,” he said stubbornly.
Clara rolled her eyes, but she smiled a little. At least she wouldn’t be alone out there.
He sighed behind her, and her smile grew.
“Isn’t it a little too early in the morning to be getting up, Clara? You’re the one that should be getting more sleep.”
Clara stopped and turned around, looking up at him. “I’m fine,” she said carefully.
Cooper didn’t look like he believed her. “You weren’t fine last night. And it’s bright enough I can see your face, Clara, you don’t look like you slept at all.”
She faltered, but it was only for a moment. Then she sent a small smile his way as she turned back around and continued her descent.
“I’m good enough to work and don’t even think about stopping me, Cooper.”
He didn’t answer her, and she knew he wouldn’t, but he would keep an eye on her. She didn’t really care, as long as he didn’t get in her way.
They found Jack downstairs, as she’d guessed. He was in the kitchen preparing some food for himself. He looked up when they entered the room.
“Need some help?” she offered.
But he shook his head. “Nah. I’m done, anyway. When everybody else wakes up, they’ll have to make their own meal, but I think there should be enough for three here.”
Clara dug into the food gratefully, realizing belatedly that she’d actually missed eating yesterday. After her little crying binge in the shower, she hadn’t wanted to be around the others, so she’d found a room and holed herself up in it. She’d eaten some of the snacks left over from their rations, and Cooper must have come into the room to find her asleep already, then, the next thing she knew, Tessa was waking her up with her screams.
“I was thinking we could go out and help you.” Clara told Jack once she’d swallowed her food. “We might as well start earning our keep early. My friend here, Cooper, will be coming out with us.”
She shot a glance at him, and their eyes met, but there was no objection in his.
“All right, then. Both of you eat up and I’ll take you outside.”
They finished their meal quickly, both feeling famished after the little they’d been forced to put up with by their recent circumstances.
Jack took them outside and gave her and Cooper an orientation and to
ur of the fields. They got to see the three separate fields and the different crops he was growing.
“The seeds were all top grade and it shows in the crops, doesn’t it?” he said with a big smile as he ran his hands over the parsnip leaves. “They need quite a bit of upkeep, though.”
“And you’ve been doing it all on your own,” Clara guessed, impressed.
“Of course! No one else lives this far out, so it’s just me and my crops here. The planting is the only thing I don’t do by myself anymore. There’s always the rush to finish before the end of the planting season, and I’m not as young as I used to be.”
“‘Anymore,’” Clara repeated in surprise. “You used to plant all these fields by yourself?”
Even with modern conveniences—most that were now lost to them—Clara knew that couldn’t be an easy thing. Her respect for Jack went up several notches. She shared a look with Cooper and knew it was the same for him.
Clara couldn’t say she knew anyone so hardworking, and so determined to make life work even when they were on their own. Clara hadn't taken to responsibility so well, sadly. She could be honest with herself now and say that, no matter that she’d managed to pay the bills and put food on the table, she had handled it horribly.
All she had to do was go to school and deal with a few bratty teens. Even as a teacher, she got pranked sometimes, but nothing like what she’d gone through while in high school herself. Teaching also wasn’t her passion, and she struggled with it. But she wanted to fold and run away from it because she didn’t like it. Even her home life. She’d wanted an escape from it.
She’d found her escape, and it was one of the worst decisions she’d made to date, one she desperately wished she could have taken back and told her past self to stop being so selfish.
“Of course I did it on my own!” Jack exclaimed. “Help usually means a lot of pay, and I’m not exactly a rich man, you know. Usually I pay in crops, but I lose more that way. Anyway, look over here…”