CÉCILY: Never!
PONT-MARIE: You must consider my offer, Madame.
CÉCILY: I’d prefer to die.
PONT-MARIE: But that won’t save your son from disgrace. You must think of the next Marquis du Touchais. Come! I want your response right now.
(The servant returns.)
SERVANT: Madame, Monsieur le Marquis is here and asks if Madame can receive him.
CÉCILY: The Marquis?
SERVANT: The Marquis du Touchais, Madame. Your husband.
PONT-MARIE: (surprised) Maxime! Here? (affecting delight) The Marquis! What a nice surprise. Why, show him in. Isn’t this his home after all?
(The servant leaves.)
PONT-MARIE: I’ll come back for your reply this evening. We’ll leave under some pretext or another. I’ll make that my business.
CÉCILY: (shouting) Tell the Marquis that I went to find my son and that I will return in a moment.
(She leaves precipitously. At the same moment, Chéri-Bibi – looking exactly like Maxime – enters, dressed elegantly, followed by La Ficelle, also properly attired. At the sight of de Pont-Marie, he is hardly able to hide a sneer.)
PONT-MARIE (rushing to him, hand extended) Now, here’s a surprise! You’ve finally decided to come here... (pause) What’s wrong? You’re not shaking hands with me?
CHÉRI-BIBI: (presenting La Ficelle) This is Monsieur Hilaire, my private secretary.
PONT-MARIE: Why, speak to me, Maxime! Tell me something. I find you completely changed, although I must say, the change becomes you; you have a superb bearing.
CHÉRI-BIBI: Listen, Monsieur de Pont-Marie...
PONT-MARIE: What! “Monsieur de Pont-Marie,” not George? What’s next, “Vicomte,” like a servant? Why are you being so formal all of a sudden?
CHÉRI-BIBI: ...I need a favor.
PONT-MARIE: Of course! Anything! What is it you wish?
CHÉRI-BIBI: (switching tones) I want you to beat it.
PONT-MARIE: Maxime! Always the prankster! I recognize you there.
LA FICELLE: (aside) Lucky him.
CHÉRI-BIBI: (back to being formal) Please understand me. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Cécily. I’d rather see her alone–not in your presence.
PONT-MARIE: She just asked me to tell you that she was going to find Petit Bernard. But that’s fine, of course. I shall leave you two. We will have plenty of opportunities to chat later. Good old Maxime! (saluting La Ficelle) Monsieur!
(He leaves.)
CHÉRI-BIBI (watching him leave) Now there’s someone who won’t be gathering much moss around here in the future! (to La Ficelle) Well, my good Hilaire, we’re almost at the end of our tribulations.
LA FICELLE: Monsieur le Marquis must be very moved.
CHÉRI-BIBI: Yes, La Ficelle, Monsieur le Marquis is so moved that Monsieur le Marquis would like to get out of here in a hurry!
LA FICELLE: This is not the moment.
CHÉRI-BIBI: I know, but I’m fearful! I’m going to see Cécily, who’s my wife, now–and I can’t adjust to the idea.
LA FICELLE: Better do so quickly.
CHÉRI-BIBI: What was Pont-Marie doing here?...
LA FICELLE: Monsieur le Marquis is jealous now?
CHÉRI-BIBI: Well, let him dare return and he’ll find out who he’s really dealing with.
LA FICELLE: (angry) Ah, no, let’s have none of that! (going to him) Calm down. Aren’t you supposed to be the happiest of men? Don’t do anything foolish now.
CHÉRI-BIBI: I can’t help it! Seeing the old country again, all my memories have returned and my heart bleeds again. (lowering his voice) It’s almost as if Chéri-Bibi wasn’t dead...
LA FICELLE: And yet, Chéri-Bibi is dead–to the entire world–present company excepted, of course.
CHÉRI-BIBI: (a pause) Le Kanak and the Countess know the secret too.
LA FICELLE: But they were among the dead when the Bayard was sunk by the gunboat launched in pursuit of it, and, just as La Ficelle has become Monsieur Hilaire, Chéri-Bibi can now sleep in peace!
(Chéri-Bibi remains pensive. La Ficelle heads toward the glass door leading to the terrace when he receives a shock.)
LA FICELLE: Look outside! That nun!
CHÉRI-BIBI: (looking with a shiver) Sister Mary of the Angels–Jacqueline–my sister!
LA FICELLE: And that old lady on her arm...
CHÉRI-BIBI: It’s the Dowager Marquise! Who’s now my mother
(At this moment, the door opens and Cécily enters.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: (unable to control himself) Cécily! (resuming his calm, to La Ficelle) Please leave us, Monsieur Hilaire.
(La Ficelle bows to Cécily and leaves.)
CÉCILY: (icy) I went to fetch your son, Monsieur, but he hasn’t yet returned from the beach where I sent him in Reine’s company.
CHÉRI-BIBI: I will be happy to see him again soon. But, please, Madame, may I have your hand.
(Cécily extends her hand to him.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: Why are greeting me so coldly? Yes, I know, I’ve behaved very badly towards you in the past, but you are a good woman, and I you will take pity on me if I reform, Cécily...
CÉCILY: (looking at him with astonishment) It seems odd that you call me Cécily in a tone so different from the one you used in the past. You never once called me Cécily when we were alone before...
CHÉRI-BIBI: Yes, it’s the first time I’ve used your name in such a fashion, but I pray you will now allow me to call you so. If that doesn’t displeases you, it will give me great pleasure. Many things have changed since we last saw each other. I’ve lived through some terrible events...
CÉCILY: I learned of them through the newspapers–and your private secretary.
CHÉRI-BIBI: Ah, yes. I must thank you again for the speed with which you secured my ransom. I know that I ought to have written you before, but I didn’t do it for the same reason that has kept me away for more than a year...
CÉCILY: As for me, your behavior has not particularly surprised me. I have grown used to your callousness. After all, you didn’t hesitate to throw us out, your mother and I, from the Chateau du Touchais, in order to install your mistress there!
CHÉRI-BIBI: (imploring) Cécily!
CÉCILY: Well, this is home. You are the master here. Go, stay, do whatever you like, it’s your business. I can do nothing about it. But, I beg you, behave yourself, in such a way that I won’t have to feel ashamed again. That’s all I ask of you.
(The servant enters.)
SERVANT: Monsieur le Baron Proskoff begs Monsieur le Marquis to receive him.
CHÉRI-BIBI: I will see him.
(The servant leaves.)
CÉCILY: Don’t make the Baron wait. He is, I believe, one of your friends. (a pause) His wife, too, if your friend–the so-called “Star of Dieppe.”
(She leaves.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: (alone) I knew that Maxime had behaved very badly towards Cécily, but not to this degree! Poor Cécily! If only I could speak to you as my true self... (a pause, then going to ring) But first, let me get rid of this baggage.
(The servant ushers Baron Proskoff in.)
PROSKOFF: (entering with hand extended) Well, Marquis! It’s not nice not to tell us of your return. De Pont-Marie just informed me of it. But we can discuss his later...
CHÉRI-BIBI: (cutting him off) What do you want?
PROSKOFF: Always to the point, eh? De Pont-Marie told me you hadn’t changed much! My dear Marquis, I am here to scold you. My wife and I wrote you at every turn, and you haven’t even deigned to respond. Have we done anything to offend you? My poor little Sonia thought she was dying for such a long while that I decided to resume my friendship toward her.
CHÉRI-BIBI: You’ve taken your wife back? Well, keep her!
PROSKOFF: I don’t understand.
CHÉRI-BIBI: Perhaps you don’t wish to understand. (a pause) By the way, my dear Baron, coming here, I walked by the park of my Chateau, the where you live with your wife. I can
’t compliment you on its upkeep.
PROSKOFF: What do you mean?
CHÉRI-BIBI: This: Don’t you know that a tenant is obligated to maintain a rental property? And keep in good order all the appliances and facilities provided by the landlord. I noted at the Chateau that the kennel was empty, the fountains dry, the lawn yellow; in short, such infractions would permit the owner to demand the cancellation of the lease.
PROSKOFF: (bewildered) Are you speaking seriously?
CHÉRI-BIBI: As seriously as any owner speaking to his tenant.
PROSKOFF: Since you choose to use this tone with me, my dear Maxime, I will reply to you that we have a term of nine years, renewable at the tenant’s discretion. I will renew it, that’s all.
CHÉRI-BIBI: Ah, but you seem to be unaware that the first and foremost reason for the cancellation of your lease–in addition to all the other transgressions I mentioned–is the non-payment of rent. Do you have any rent receipts?
BARON: Now, that is too much! You know quite well that you yourself refused to receive any money for the rent.
CHÉRI-BIBI: You may believe that, Monsieur! It might even be true. But, as you well know, I recently suffered from a bout of exotic fever which damaged my memory somewhat, and I don’t recall anything about it. So unless you can present me with your receipts by this evening, you will be expelled tomorrow morning!
PROSKOFF: But what have we done to you?
CHÉRI-BIBI: What have you done to me? (looks at him and bursts out laughing) Ask your wife!
PROSKOFF: Oh, Monsieur le Marquis, you are not being like a friend–and a gentleman. In fact, if I may be so bold–you’re being a boor. I’m sorry to be forced to express myself this way!
CHÉRI-BIBI: And you, Baron, are nothing but a gigolo. Enough pleasantries now. Go!
PROSKOFF: My Goodness! If I had expected to be received like this!
CHÉRI-BIBI: Pack your bags. Tomorrow, I intend to reclaim the castle of my ancestors. Goodbye, Baron!
(The Baron leaves, stupefied.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: Ah! That was some fine work! I’m sorry I can’t see the face the “Star of Dieppe” will make when she hears the news. Cécily will be quite pleased.
(La Ficelle returns.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: If you knew how delighted I am, my good La Ficelle....
LA FICELLE: Hush! No La Ficelle here, especially right now. (a pause) I’m here to announce a visitor–Inspector Costaud from the Dieppe Police.
CHÉRI-BIBI: (starting) I’ll be damned!
LA FICELLE: Yes, the same one who was your arresting officer eight years ago.
CHERI BIBI: He wants to speak to me?
LA FICELLE: Yes. He actually insisted on it.
CHÉRI-BIBI: The Devil! There’s no way to put him off?
LA FICELLE: No.
CHÉRI-BIBI: In that case...
(Chéri-Bibi rings for a servant; once the servant responds, he issues his instructions.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: Show the Inspector in.
(The servant leaves.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: (to La Ficelle) Stay with me. There’s no way to know how this will turn out.
(Costaud enters. He hasn’t changed much in eight years; he’s just as self-important and cock-sure of himself.)
COSTAUD: Good afternoon, Marquis.
CHÉRI-BIBI: You are...?
COSTAUD: Inspector Costaud.
CHÉRI-BIBI: What brings you here, Inspector?
COSTAUD: Excuse me for showing up here, Marquis, but when I learned of your return, I had to see you.
CHÉRI-BIBI: And for what reason, my dear Inspector?
COSTAUD: It’s about Chéri-Bibi.
CHÉRI-BIBI: Chéri-Bibi? Isn’t he dead?
COSTAUD: Are you quite sure of it?
LA FICELLE: (aside) What is he getting at?
COSTAUD: Marquis, I have read with great interest the account you gave to the newspapers. Until then, I didn’t really believe in the death of that notorious bandit, but your testimony, as well as the return of Sister Mary of the Angels after her brother’s death, finally convinced me that Chéri-Bibi had died on that far-off island. And yet, lately, I’ve been plagued by presentments that this formidable villain has managed to give us the slip again!
CHÉRI-BIBI: How could that be?
COSTAUD: I don’t know, Marquis, but I just am no longer so sure about his death! Chéri-Bibi die of illness like just anyone else? Just when he was about to receive millions? No, no, that’s not possible!
CHÉRI-BIBI: So you think Chéri-Bibi managed to escape again?
COSTAUD: I’m not prepared to go that far–yet! But it wouldn’t surprise me! He played so many tricks on us before! Couldn’t he have managed a last one? Are you certain of having seen his body, Marquis?
CHÉRI-BIBI: Yes, Inspector. I saw him dead, just as I see you living. (pointing to La Ficelle) My Secretary can attest to this.
COSTAUD: I must be sure, gentlemen, for I’m still persuaded that one, I will find myself face to face with Chéri-Bibi again.
LA FICELLE: (aside) He doesn’t know how truly he speaks.
CHÉRI-BIBI: Let me ask you something, Inspector. Are you still certain that it was Chéri-Bibi who murdered Monsieur Bourrelier and my father?
COSTAUD: Absolutely!
CHÉRI-BIBI: What the man in the grey hat? Chéri-Bibi spoke to me at length about him when I was his prisoner.
COSTAUD: Just a fairy-tale. (a pause)
CHÉRI-BIBI: That’s all you have to tell me, Inspector?
COSTAUD: Yes, Marquis. But if I ever have an indication regarding the resurrection of Chéri-Bibi, I will come to share it with you, right away.
CHÉRI-BIBI: (ironic) And you will be right in doing so. Inspector Costaud, I have the honor of saluting you.
(Gesturing for La Ficelle to accompany Costaud; Costaud and La Ficelle leave.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: Whew! That imbecile almost scared me!
(Seeing Cécily appear on the terrace, he opens the glass door and calls.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: Cécily!
CÉCILY: What do you want?
CHÉRI-BIBI: I wanted to thank you for what you’ve done for my mother. I’ve behaved so badly toward her so that I don’t dare to present myself before her; but I beg you to tell her the happy news that, in a few days, she will be able to return to the Chateau and live there again for the rest of her days.
CÉCILY: (astonished) If what you are telling me is true, she will weep for joy. But does this mean that she is leaving the chateau?
CHÉRI-BIBI: Yes, she is.
CÉCILY: Ah!
CHÉRI-BIBI: To be clear: Baron and Baroness Proskoff are leaving the chateau because I am kicking them out.
CÉCILY: (bitter) Has the Star of Dieppe displeased her master?
CHÉRI-BIBI: No, Cécily. There’s only one woman in this world who counts for me now. You.
(The servant enters.)
SERVANT: Baroness Proskoff begs Monsieur le Marquis to receive her.
CHÉRI-BIBI: I’m not here.
CÉCILY: (low) No, do see her. (to the servant) Ask the lady to wait for a moment.
(The servant leaves.)
CÉCILY: You just told me that henceforth, you will now devote yourself to me. I would like to believe you, but your past conduct make me somewhat skeptical...
CHÉRI-BIBI: What proof do you want me to give you.?
CÉCILY: Baroness Proskoff is waiting for you. Receive her. From the result of your conversation, I will learn if I can believe you. ’Till later.
(Cécily leaves.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: It’s not going to take long. She did well to come, after all, the Star of Dieppe. (he rings)
(The servant returns.)
CHÉRI-BIBI: Show her in.
(Sonia, Baroness Proskoff, enters, ushered in by the servant; she’s thirtyish, very pretty, very elegant.)
SONIA: Hello, my dear Maxime.
CHÉRI-BIBI: (cold) Good afternoon, Madame.
Cheri-Bibi: The Stage Play Page 9