by Andrew Hicks
‘What do you think Emm? I wouldn’t mind.’
‘Do what you like. I’m going to have my drink and hang about here.’
‘So when are you going?’ asked Ben. Clarissa looked at her watch.
‘Any time now if we don’t want to miss the sundown.’
Clarissa, Samantha and Ben got up and left Emma alone with her lime juice and went off up the dusty path into the interior. Where they turned left onto the main track which ran down the centre of the island they passed an exceptionally tall tree, underneath it a brightly painted model of a traditional Thai house. On the steps of the house were several tiny figures and some bowls of oranges.
‘Whatever’s that for?’ asked Samantha.
‘It’s a spirit house,’ said Clarissa, ‘for making offerings to the spirits of the tree.’
‘Is that a Buddhist thing?’
‘Sort of … it’s an older animist practice that’s been absorbed into Buddhism.’
‘Seems funny to mix religion and superstition,’ said Ben.
‘Well, is it? People everywhere have the same reaction to natural things like big trees. In France a cliff or a spring often has a shrine to the Virgin or to Our Lady of Lourdes. I’m not sure it’s so different,’ said Clarissa.
After a few hundred yards they found a sign board with a crudely painted arrow saying, ‘Sunset’. A steep path took them down through wind-sculpted bushes and when they came out into the open, the sea lay a few hundred feet below them. Several farang were scattered in small groups on the gently sloping cliff, sitting on their haunches like troops of monkeys, waiting for the sun to go down. Samantha wandered off and sat on her own while Ben and Clarissa chose a vantage point a little higher up.
‘I always enjoy guessing where the trippers are from,’ said Clarissa. ‘If they’re pale and puffy and badly dressed like me, they’re probably British. The big ones are the Dutch, Belgians and Germans and the Scandinavians are like blonde Vikings. And I hate the Mediterranean girls … golden-skinned and gorgeous.’
Ben bit his tongue and said nothing.
As they sat and looked around them, they could see two men and a girl on the rocks below, the girl slim with blonde hair and wearing only a pair of dark blue pantaloons. She had small breasts, tanned all over, and was showing off to the men, rolling down her waistband and inspecting her bikini line. Then the pantaloons were off and she was in the water, splashing and shouting.
‘What do you think they are? Swedish?’ asked Clarissa.
‘Don’t know, but she’s a babe,’ said Ben.
Loud voices reached them from the water.
‘California of course. They’re so vulgar!’ she hissed.
‘Wish they all could be California girls,’ said Ben. ‘Guess I can handle the vulgarity.’
‘Typical male!’ said Clarissa tartly.
The brief distraction over, they sat back and enjoyed the spectacular view. To the right they could see the coast of Thailand, a line of mountains sleeping like dragons in the warm evening light, the buildings of Ban Phe clearly visible at their feet. Further down the coast the outlines of an oil refinery were suffused in the glow of the sunset, an oil tanker at anchor a mile or two out, a tiny detail in a vast canvas. The sea, a deepening blue, was dotted with fishing boats; Clarissa counted over forty of them. The sky became a blaze of colour as the sun settled lower, ever growing in size, though disappointingly it disappeared into the haze on the horizon before it finally set.
‘Well, there you go … can’t win’em all,’ said Ben.
They watched the changing hues for some time until Clarissa broke the silence.
‘Ben, what’s up with you and Emma? Are you two okay?’
‘I don’t know … not really sure.’
‘What’s going on then?’
‘Seems Emma’s changed since we got to Thailand … always easy-going before and nothing ever bothered her, but now she overreacts to everything.’
‘You seem to be bugging her.’
‘Yes, I can’t say anything right.’
‘Maybe the travelling’s unsettled her … no routine or commitments, expecting to be on a high all the time,’ suggested Clarissa.
‘Yeah, maybe that’s all it is. Hope so.’
‘I’m still on honeymoon after throwing up my job, but it’s scary when I think about it. Having regular money coming in’s a bit like sex … when you’re getting it, it’s no big deal, but when you’re not it’s the end of the world.’
Ben gave her a sideways glance.
‘Same with you and Emma,’ she went on. ‘You’re both in the melting pot just like me.’
‘I take life a day at a time but I’m not sure Emma can switch off in the same way,’ he said.
‘Maybe she’s facing up to decision-time and you’re not,’ said Clarissa pointedly.
Rejoining Samantha, they walked back to the beach in the gathering darkness and found Emma still at the same table with Chuck and Maca, already enjoying a dinner of pad Thai, tom yam goong, tom ka ghai and Singha beer. Pulling up another table, they joined the party. It was perfection, sitting there on the beach, the surf just visible in the moonlight. But Ben was not looking forward to the end of the evening when he would go back to the hut with Emma. After the argument he had no idea what to expect, though he knew it was not going to be easy.
The group broke up soon after they had finished eating and by the time they reached their hut, the tension had subsided a little, Emma now more subdued than angry.
‘You’re wanting to talk things out then,’ said Ben as they went inside.
‘Not tonight … I feel drained,’ she said. ‘But anyway, it’s too late. I’ve already decided.’
‘Decided what?’ asked Ben anxiously.
‘About us of course.’
‘Us?’ he said, nervously shifting his feet.
‘I’ve checked the boat times to Ban Phe and I’m taking the twelve thirty tomorrow. I’m going back to Bangkok.’
His eyes widened in shock.
‘What d’you mean, Emm? Going back to Bangkok? You mean alone?’
‘Yes, I do mean Bangkok, and I do mean alone,’ she said sharply.
Picking up a towel, she disappeared into the shower room leaving Ben sitting on the bed, a look of total bewilderment on his face.
10
The morning after Emma dropped the bombshell that she was going back to Bangkok, she and Ben slept in late. She was exhausted by the travel and culture shock, by the heat, the alcohol and late nights, and not least by the emotional turmoil of the previous few days. When they woke, Ben lay lazily dozing in bed, but before he could pull himself together, Emma was out of the shower and dressed.
‘I’m going to breakfast,’ she said, and walked out onto the veranda and disappeared.
Breakfast was a dismal affair. Both felt bleary after their long night’s sleep and were reluctant to talk or catch each other’s eye. Small-talk seemed insincere when there was so much that needed to be said.
Breakfast over and back at the hut, Ben sensed this was to be the moment of truth. As he sat down on the edge of the bed wondering what was coming next, Emma stood at the window, nervously twisting her hair.
‘This has been on the cards for a long time, Ben. You know I wasn’t mad keen about coming to Thailand,’ she said. ‘Though I suppose it isn’t all your fault … if I hadn’t come, this wouldn’t have happened.’
‘But I’m glad you did come.’
‘Okay, that’s nice but it doesn’t change anything, does it. It hasn’t worked out and I want to get away for a bit.’
‘So you’re saying I’m dumped?’
‘Ben, sometimes you’re just like a fourteen year old,’ she said scornfully.
‘Well, what then?’
‘Suppose you could call it a trial separation.’
Ben looked stunned.
‘How long for?’ he said in a weak voice, putting his head in his hands.
‘No idea.’
‘But what are you going to do? Go back to England?’
‘No, I can’t … I’d have to buy a new air ticket. Maybe Chiang Mai where I wanted to go in the first place,’ she said pointedly.
‘Yes, but I still don’t understand why.’
‘Course you do if you think about it. But then you don’t think, do you.’
‘That’s rubbish, Emm!’
‘No Ben, when it comes to relationships you don’t seem to understand anything … I told you all that yesterday. You just want to play games, play at being passionate, but it never goes any deeper. That’s how you are, I guess … suppose someone may like you for it but I’m not sure I can any more.’ She turned away and stared out at the trees.
‘But we’ve come a long way together … doesn’t that mean anything?’ he said, determined not to let his voice shake.
‘So you haven’t got it yet? Do I have to rub it in?’
‘But why split up now, just when we’ve got to Thailand?’
‘Because Bangkok made me realise what sort of person you really are. I’m not sure I can trust you any more.’
‘Shit, Emm, have I ever been unfaithful?’ he said angrily.
‘I’ve no idea, but by God I know you’ve wanted to.’
‘What the hell do you expect? A bloody saint?’ Ben retorted, raising his voice. ‘Of course I’ve wanted to, just like every other normal bloke, but I haven’t, have I. And I’ve seen you eyeing Chuck!’ He wiped the beads of sweat from his brow.
‘Give us a break,’ said Emma angrily. ‘It’s you keeps going back to the brothels. How do I know you won’t get it next time?’
‘Come on Emm! What’s so bad about strippers?’
‘Oh, get lost,’ she snapped, turning on him in fury. ‘Problem is you’re obsessed … if there’s any tottie going by you just gawp. You’re so obvious sometimes.’
‘That’s ridiculous …’ he said lamely.
Emma ignored him and opened up a new line of attack.
‘And you keep on making macho comments in front of me, like you want to impress the lads … to insult me, humiliate me.’
‘Emm, that’s utter crap. I only want one girlfriend … but I can’t pretend I’m blind when there’s something worth looking at.’
‘Don’t I know it! At the most difficult time for me, just after an argument, the minute my back’s turned, what happens? You’ve picked the prettiest masseur on the beach and you’re off with her hidden in the rocks.’
‘No, Emm, it wasn’t like that at all!’ Ben shouted indignantly, jumping to his feet.
‘But how do you think I feel? I might’ve changed my mind about going if you’d showed me any sensitivity but not after that I won’t.’
‘For Christ’s sake Emm, that’s crazy. She’s a really nice girl … not available, got a boyfriend.’
‘So you really, really like her, do you? Found out if she’s available, did you? I bet you did!’ They were now shouting in each others’ faces.
‘No! It’s just Thai massage … like acupuncture, going to a doctor or something.’
‘A doctor! So you’re lovesick, I suppose. Well, you can stay here with your nice little masseur and make sexist comments all day with Chuck and Maca. I don’t care a damn. I’ll be on the twelve thirty boat.’
‘Oh, fuck off then if that’s what you want,’ Ben said, slamming his fist down hard onto the window sill.
‘Well I am fucking off … and you can piss off while I pack,’ Emma yelled back.
Saving his breath, Ben grabbed his mask and snorkel and stormed out of the hut.
At the next beach, floating weightlessly over heads of coral, watching the coloured fish cruising effortlessly through the rocky canyons, he felt strangely detached. It was like being on another planet.
As he walked back up the beach at midday, he determined to heal the rift, but climbing the steps to the hut his confidence evaporated.
‘Emm, can I do anything to help?’ he asked. It was obvious Emma had all but finished packing.
‘No, nothing,’ she said, pausing. ‘But as you’ll be staying on, do you want to keep the torch and mosquito coils? And what about splitting the malaria pills?’
‘I don’t give a damn, I just want to know when I’ll see you again.’
‘I told you, I’m not sure … not sure about anything.’
‘But we can keep in touch. I must know where you are.’
‘Yes, thanks, I’ll email. Will you be going anywhere in a hurry?’
‘No, suppose I’ll stick around here with Maca and Chuck for a bit.’
‘Right,’ she said, closing the top of her rucksack.
‘Hope you’ll be okay, Emm.’
‘I’ll be fine on my own,’ she said with more confidence than she felt.
And then their emotions came spilling over; first love, first parting.
Emma put one arm around his neck, her head down. Ben put his arms round her waist and gave her a squeeze. Her tears flowed briefly and he tried hard to contain his, staring hard at her bulging rucksack.
‘I’d better get the boat,’ she said.
‘Yes, it’s time.’
But it was not yet time; it was still early and the ferry was late leaving. Emma carried her pack down to the beach and they sat and waited silently on the sand. When the moment came, she got up and walked through the shallows to the shuttle boat without looking back. There were few people around in the heat of the day and nobody except Ben saw her go. Once on the upper deck of the ferry, she waved briefly to him. He waved back at the distant figure, then turned away towards the resort to avoid having to watch her boat leaving the bay.
The experience of being left behind was far more gut-wrenching than he had ever expected. It was totally incomprehensible and had all happened so fast. Suddenly he was alone for the first time in years, alone and desolate.
At that moment Chuck and Maca came down to the beach bar, so he went and joined them, grateful for any distraction. He guessed they would soon wonder where Emma was.
‘Well, guys, looks like I’m a bachelor now,’ he said. ‘Emm’s gone back to Bangkok. Got some things to do … money and stuff.’
‘That’s a surprise … she didn’t say anything last night. There’s cash machines in Ban Phe if that’s all she wants.’
‘No, it’s a bit more than that.’
Ben was relieved that neither of them was into talking about personal things.
‘When’s she coming back?’ was all that Maca asked.
‘Expect I’ll go and meet her in Bangkok.’
‘We’ll miss her … I liked the pink bikini,’ said Chuck. ‘Been together long?’
‘Yes, for ever … three years.’
‘Wow!’ Chuck was impressed.
As they ate in the midday heat, the conversation was low key. Maca talked of moving on to Koh Chang, the big island to the east, Chuck about setting up websites. Trying hard not to brood about Emma, Ben was thinking how easy it is to make close friends with other farang but how difficult it is to get to know the Thais. He put this to Maca and Chuck.
‘It’s so frustrating. I’m interested in Thailand and what makes people tick, but we don’t really talk to them. We order food and beers, complain when things go wrong, and they’re nice and friendly. But it doesn’t go any deeper.’
‘I’m with you on that,’ said Maca. ‘They’re warm on the outside but also very private. Language can be a big problem too … so few of them speak much English.’
‘I’ve learned almost nothing about their lives,’ said Ben. ‘I did a course on Third World Development for my geography degree and I thought being here would teach me something, but it just doesn’t seem to happen.’
‘It’s a very different culture, difficult to penetrate … maybe that’s what makes it so interesting.’
‘My first real contact was with the masseur I met yesterday,’ said Ben. ‘She’s really nice … very open about herself and she’s not had an easy life.’
‘Is that the pretty one?’ said Chuck.
‘Hands off mate,’ said Ben, more forcefully than he intended.
‘But Ben, you’ve got to watch’em,’ said Maca. ‘They’re smooth talkers and they’ll give you a sob story about sickness and death, moneylenders moving in and that sort of stuff. But then they’ll ask you for money to save the family from ruin, so you end up wondering how much of it to believe.’
‘Her story’s a sad one but I don’t think she’s softening me up for money. She seems honest enough, working hard to make ends meet.’
‘Of course the sob stories are usually true.’
‘Yes, it’s a tough place,’ said Ben.
Having eaten, Chuck and Maca went off to their hut, and Ben, not wanting to face an empty room, found a deckchair on the beach. He sat and read a novel about Thailand, ‘The Beach’ by Alex Garland, hoping to learn something about the country from it. But it told him nothing.
Unable to concentrate, the hot afternoon dragged by, giving him too much time to be miserable. He kept glancing up, distracted by every fruit-seller and farang who went by on the sand. When he saw a familiar figure coming along the beach carrying her plastic box, his heart beat faster, a blend of pleasure and confusion. She was much smaller than he remembered but just as pretty, and he had not forgotten the smile.
‘Sawasdee ka,’ she said.
‘Sawasdee krap,’ he replied, collecting himself.
‘You want massage?’ Without waiting for an answer, she chose a different place in the shade at the top of the beach next to the gnarled trunk of a fallen tree, spread out the sheet on the sand and weighted the corners just as she had done the day before, chatting easily to him.
‘What you do today? Where you go? Where your girlfriend?’
This time he was able to look at her more freely as he relaxed with her. She was neatly dressed in close-fitting blue cotton trousers and a long-sleeved tie-die shirt and wore a baseball cap with a curved peak, making her look younger than her twenty four years. Her face was strong-boned and perfectly oval, framed by her long, glossy hair, which was held back from her forehead with a headband to allow her to work. He liked her button nose, the strong white teeth and her golden skin which was clear and unmarked. But most of all he liked her smiling eyes which were large and round but still very Asian.