by Sandy Holden
“Madde, are you all right?” he asked, concerned.
“Yes, actually, I think I am.” I laughed. How had I even thought there was a question here?
He was looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. “I’m okay, Tucker, really. I need to know, though. Was last night just a one-time thing? Cause if that’s how you want it, I will of course respect that. I just don’t know how I’d handle it if I had to see you with someone else right now.” I frowned as I thought about that.
He looked floored. “You … I thought you were having second thoughts.”
“I don’t know what I was having—brain catching up, I think. But I do know that last night wasn’t a mistake, at least not for me. And you didn’t take advantage of me.”
He slowly reached out and touched my jaw, letting his fingers trail down the curve of it. I closed my eyes, leaning into his hand. “I suppose you already know I’m in love with you,” he said softly. “But I don’t want you to feel obligated in any way.”
I snorted, making a decision. “Come on.” I jumped off the bed and grabbed his hand tugging him until he followed, looking both wary and curious. I pulled him out through the living room where several pairs of eyes watched us avidly to the kitchen where Meri and Phil were eating lunch.
They looked up as we came in. “Hi. Sorry about being grumpy before. The truth of the matter is that assuming Tucker doesn’t find someone more interesting, we’re together.” I grinned at them.
Tucker hadn’t said a word. Meri jumped up and hugged first Tucker, then me. “I knew it!” she repeated over and over. “I knew you two would end up together.” She swatted at Tucker. “Didn’t I tell you?”
I looked back at Tucker, a little overwhelmed at the enormity of what I’d just done. I couldn’t say I loved him, not yet. The words felt strange and foreign. I had to get used to this first. But I was committed now. And it felt really good. Tucker pulled me closer. “Someone more interesting?” he asked quietly.
“Well, you know. I didn’t want to speak for you,” I said a little shyly.
“No, wouldn’t want that.” He put his arms around me and kissed me soundly. “I really thought you would run like hell this morning,” he said softly in my ear. “I was afraid I’d pushed you into it, and it would ruin our friendship.”
“Okay, I admit I was a little scared. But then I thought of you with someone else, and seriously, I felt murderous. It put things into perspective for me.”
He smiled, and he looked as happy as he had first thing this morning. Suddenly he froze. “I think your phone is vibrating.” I laughed and pulled it out of my pocket. “At least I hope it’s your phone,” he added, and I grinned at him as I checked the caller ID.
Gabriel. I stared at it and my smile faded.
Tucker looked at it and said softly, “Whatever you do is fine.”
I opened the phone. “Yes?”
“Madde, I just got a call from Nick. I can honestly say when you walked out of here saying you intended to kiss the first man you saw, I thought you were exaggerating.” His voice was silky and something else. Annoyed? Mad? Certainly not hurt.
“Actually I was exaggerating. I had no intentions of doing anything. What I did end up doing is absolutely not your concern. I said I’d help you out, but that’s it. You have your life and I have mine.”
“I’m not okay with that,” he said, and a definite edge had crept into his voice.
“I don’t particularly care,” I said evenly. “So, I tell you what, I’m going to start the four thousand things you gave me to do tomorrow.” I gave Tucker a look and smiled. “No, make that the day after tomorrow. I need a little time for a quick vacation of sorts.”
It was so quiet on the phone I checked to see if he’d hung up on me. “Hello?”
“Perhaps I owe you a visit after all,” he said a little flatly.
I froze, and Tucker looked concerned. “Catfish, and anyone in Catfish is my responsibility. Do not come here,” I said as firmly as I could.
“Just your responsibility? That isn’t what you said when you wanted help with Jacob.”
I faltered. “You know I appreciate what you did for him, but this is my life we’re talking about here.”
“Your appreciation fades amazingly fast.”
“My appreciation doesn’t stretch to giving myself to you,” I snapped.
“Perhaps you should consider Tucker. It was Tucker you were with this morning? Maybe you should ask yourself what the risks might be for him. Maybe you’d better consider how far you want to take this,” he said menacingly. “I don’t give up easily.”
I knew I had to be calm and not let him rile me. “Gabriel, there’s nothing here for you anymore, except an employee. If you want to keep that, you can keep your threats and commands to yourself.”
His voice, when it came, was soft. “We’ll just have to see about that.” He hung up. I pocketed the phone slowly, worried. Tucker kissed my temple, and I felt a little better.
Phil smiled. “Aw, did the big bad Gabriel have his ego hurt?” she cooed in a baby voice.
That broke the tension. I nodded with mock sadness. “I think he is starting to believe he’s as great as everyone thinks he is. Poor deluded man.”
Meri giggled. “He deserves to get slapped down.” She rolled her eyes deliberately. “I have just one word to say . . . outlets!”
I laughed, and they laughed with me. I said to Tucker, “I was serious about not helping him for a couple of days. I had a chance to do some thinking while I was there, and no matter that he’s a pig with outlets; he has done some interesting things. I want to talk to you about them and get your opinion before I move ahead.” I pulled him down to kiss him again. “In the meantime, I’m going to eat. I have a feeling I’m going to need my strength, and Tucker? You are definitely going to need yours.” I gave him what I hoped was a seductive smile and pushed him towards the table.
We made toast and ate it with peanut butter—I was all for speed over quality today—I was really hungry. We chatted more or less as we often did, with the exception of Tucker and I looking at each other, very aware of each move the other made. I felt myself only paying partial attention to the chatter until Phil said in an off-hand voice, “I hope you two are being careful—I mean, I don’t really know if babies are possible now. I haven’t heard of anyone getting pregnant. That would be unfortunate.”
I hadn’t heard a thing after she said babies. I had frozen with the toast part way to my mouth. I felt Tucker nudge me under the table. I went back into motion. “I don’t know if pregnancy is possible or not. I didn’t see any pregnant women in the Cities.”
We finished soon afterwards, and I had some leftovers to give to Hoover. Someone had let her out, so Tucker and I put on our sweatshirts and went outside. We’d taken a few steps when I felt his hand searching for mine. I took his hand, giving him a smile. This was so strange. It was like the entire world had shifted, and everything seemed different now.
After we called for Hoover she came speeding out of the trees, running circles around us. I gave her the leftovers, and she ate them hungrily. I threw a stick, and she sat and gave me a look that seemed to say, What, me? You’re the one who threw it. I laughed and patted her. “You’re right. You’re too smart to chase sticks. Go ahead and go out and catch us some dinner.” To my surprise, she ran off into the woods.
I watched her disappear, wondering if the bombs had affected any animals. Their nervous systems weren’t so very different than ours, were they? I wondered who would know.
Tucker interrupted my thoughts. “I guess I sort of dropped the ball with the whole ‘protection’ thing last night.”
“It’s not like I’m not just as responsible. I simply didn’t think of it. I used to be on the pill, and that was fine until about a week ago when I was supposed to go back on them, but I didn’t have any more. I think I’m probably still covered. We could go and check out the pharmacy in town. I think I remember what I was using. Sorry I sort
of freaked when she said that. It’s just that it never occurred to me until just that minute.”
“It doesn’t have to be your responsibility,” he said as we walked back up towards the house. His arm was around my shoulders now, and mine curled around his waist. It seemed natural and strange at the same time.
“Oh. I have always … I mean, Eddy was really against having to do anything, and I think he sort of felt like it was my problem if things went wrong.”
“I do not feel that way.” His tone was serious. “My brother, Dale, got a girl pregnant a few years ago, and he had the same attitude. She ended up aborting, and it always made me sad to think of a part of my family just … gone.”
“Someone around here?” I couldn’t believe they had kept that quiet.
“No, a girl who he met when he was at Windhaven—the residential facility. They encouraged mixers occasionally so the incorrigible boys and uncontrollable girls could learn how to impress each other.” His expression showed how much sense he thought this made.
I laughed. “Sorry, but that is sort of funny.”
“Yes, it is,” he agreed.
We’d reached the house now. Tucker stopped outside the door and pulled me into his arms and kissed me. “Madde, I just keep thinking that this really can’t be happening. That you’ll come to your senses or be embarrassed of me or, I don’t know, decide you forgive Gabriel after all.”
I looked at the door. The house always had so many people in it. It would be hard to be alone. And if we just kept disappearing into Mom and Dad’s room, well, that would be a little obvious. I sat on the step and he sat next to me, his arm around my shoulders keeping me warm. “I can’t tell you what will happen in the future, Tucker. If it makes you feel better, I’m a little worried too. You’ve put me on this pedestal, and I keep wondering when you’ll realize that I’m just a rather confused and pathetic girl.”
He moved me until I was sitting in his lap. I realized I really liked it that he was so much bigger than I was. I felt protected and safe. He was looking at my wrist. “Madde, do me a favor and eat something occasionally, would you? I know girls always say you can’t be too thin, but you’ve lost some weight since I met you, and I thought you were slim then.”
My smile evaporated. I looked at my wrist in his hand. It did look bony and fragile. I felt a stab of apprehension. I admit that what was left for us to eat didn’t do much for my appetite. For him to say this so soon after I’d admitted that I was worried he’d find out I wasn’t anywhere near perfect—was he trying to tell me I wasn’t what he’d thought I was? I didn’t know what to say.
He must have noticed how still I’d become. “Madde? Did I say something wrong?” He sounded truly worried, so maybe I was overreacting.
“No, I’m fine,” I lied.
“Look at me,” he said, his tone sounded like he wouldn’t let this go.
I looked up at him trying to look nonchalant. I must not have done so well. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t mean that you aren’t beautiful and perfect.”
“I’m not perfect, Tucker. And if you think I am, you’re just going to be disappointed.” Even to my own ears, I sounded sad.
He pulled me tighter against him. “I’m so sorry. I’m not saying much right today.” He took a deep breath. “Okay, let me try this again. I have been living here in the house with you for quite a while now, and I’ve seen you crabby and sad and happy and angry and bored. I’ve seen you just after you get up, and stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I know you aren’t technically perfect, but that’s not how I meant it. In high school I had a wild crush on you, but I didn’t really know you then. I didn’t have much of an imagination in those days, but whatever I could have imagined wouldn’t hold up to the real you. The whole package. The longer I was around you, the more I realized you are everything I ever wanted. I didn’t think, then, I had a chance in hell of ever having you see me as more than a nuisance, or maybe, if I was lucky, a friend.”
I could hear the truth in his words.
“And when we were friends, I told myself it was ridiculous to want more than that. But I always did. When I saw other women, I would compare them to you, and they would all fall short. I don’t know when the crush changed over into love, but that’s where I am, and you’re not going to change that, no matter what you do.”
I didn’t know what to say. I had never had anyone feel like that about me.
“But I want you to know that if you hadn’t ever seen me as more than a friend, I would have always loved you and wanted you to be happy. I’m sorry I reacted so badly when you came back from the cities with news of Gabriel. If he’d have made you happy, I wouldn’t have said anything against that, but you weren’t happy. You were fighting a pull that you hated while the pull itself acted on you to want him.” He stopped abruptly. “It still makes me mad to think of how you put yourself in relation to him—he didn’t deserve you.
“Maybe I was simply jealous. I knew, though, when you explained to me you were worried about Catfish, if you wanted Gabriel in charge of us I needed to support you. If you had come back saying you two were getting married and having ten children, well, I’d have wished you well and meant it—if that was what you wanted, I wanted you to have it.” Suddenly he grinned. “Okay, maybe I should say that ninety percent of me wanted you to have whoever you wanted. I’m probably at least ten percent pig and that part wanted you for myself.”
“Tucker, you are so sweet to me.”
“At least you don’t look so sad right now.” He shrugged. He deliberately picked up my hand and turned it so he could press a kiss to my wrist. “I should have said I worry about you. I want you to take care of yourself, and you always put everyone else first. Maybe my job can be to look after you.” He pressed another kiss to my wrist, and this time he let his tongue gently touch my skin. “Will you forgive my poorly thought-out words?”
“Wow, yes,” I said, suddenly feeling warm.
He smiled, a fabulous male smile that said he knew he’d affected me. He took my other wrist and did the same thing, and I gulped. He was going to kiss me again, I could tell, and I was closing my eyes when I heard Meri’s voice not far away. She must be in the screened in porch. “You two had better be keeping it clean, cause I’m coming out.” She came out and gave me a wink. “Hey, I was thinking, Madde, you should try to take a nap or something. I mean, you were up late last night, and you know what a party animal I am at night. I wouldn’t want you falling asleep over dinner.”
I gave her a look, wondering what she was up to. Meri was not a party animal.
“Anyway, I thought Phil and I and maybe Luis would go out to that hotel you mentioned to see if it would work for us to move into. We were talking about how it is really getting crowded here at the house. I don’t know if it’s big enough for all of the people in Catfish, but some should be able to crash there. I don’t know who else will come with us. Probably most of them—this affects them as well. The house will be practically empty. Good time for you to nap.” She smiled.
I smiled back. “That is such a good idea, Meri.”
I slid out of Tucker’s lap and stood up, giving Meri a hug. “You’re a sweetie. I owe you one,” I said quietly.
She whispered back, “It wasn’t totally selfless. Cal will be here soon, and I can’t imagine trying to get some privacy with all the people here.”
I turned and gave Tucker a smile. “So, you up for a nap?” I asked with as much innocence as I could pour into it.
“I am a little tired,” he said. “I’ll be right behind you.” I wondered at that, especially when I saw him lean close to Meri to whisper to her. I knew they were friends, they had been ever since the terrible night with Eddy, but I couldn’t help feeling a little twinge of jealousy. When he hugged her, I turned away, not sure what my face showed.
Meri went past me, oblivious, into the main room. “Nick, see? I told you it wasn’t necessary to go out and stare at her. You knew wh
ere she was, and that she was with Tucker. So either come with us to see the hotel, so you can report it all back to Gabriel, or find a movie or something to watch. Hey, you don’t cook, do you? You could make dinner.”
I hid a smile and walked past him into my room. Tucker came to the door with a questioning look on his face. I pulled some clothes out of the drawers and grabbed my pillow and bathroom items (I had started keeping my stuff in a little bag so I could use whatever bathroom was free). I said casually, “You might want to go get a few things if you plan to stay in the master bedroom with me.”
He looked surprised but then grinned. “I’ll do that.”
“See you there.” I stretched, and his eyes widened as my top rode up to show a good part of my midriff. “I am so ready for a nap,” I said wickedly, walking past him and down the hall to my parent’s room. “I’ll be waiting for you.” I called over my shoulder, smiling as I heard him moving quickly.
He was walking into my parent’s room and closing and locking the door before I’d even put my bathroom stuff away. He tossed his clothes on the La-Z-Boy in the corner and came directly to me. I’d barely turned when he took my face between his big hands and kissed me, hard. I found myself kissing him back rather mindlessly.
He pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I love you, Madde,” he said, not giving me a chance to respond as he kissed me again. He picked me up and tumbled with me onto the big bed. He kissed me until I was panting. He moved to my neck, gently nibbling at it. “I want to see you,” he said softly, but with such desire filling his voice I shivered. He moved so I could sit up, and I took my sweatshirt in my hands ready to pull it off over my head.
Tucker put his hands over mine and pulled them away. “I want to undress you.”
For some reason I was a bit anxious. “It’s okay, you don’t have to do that.”