If mom had her way, we’d be married with kids by now, but it’s just not…right, and I think he can feel it. He’s been clinging on, hoping for the best and I’ve been letting him because I’ve been terrified of being alone. The last guy that left me tore my world apart and it’s a feeling I never want to experience again.
If I had to go through the pain of that again, I think it might just kill me. So, I’ve let him hold on and ignored the feeling inside me telling me that it’s wrong.
I should let him go but I can’t.
I make my way over to my old closet and begin rifling through it while wondering how I got into this old shirt. It doesn’t go unnoticed that this is one of Rivers' old shirts. In fact, it’s the shirt I’d stolen from him the night we’d slept together before he went back to complete his training with the military. That was the last time we were physically together and it was everything I’d imagined.
After that night, I’d thought things were going to change between us. When he got in that taxi and drove off, I thought I’d see him again in a few months. If I’d known I was never going to see him again, I would have held on with both hands and never let him go.
The year following that was hard. I would constantly check the door and mailbox, waiting to hear something, anything from him, but nothing ever came and the door never opened.
Until yesterday afternoon. Which has me wondering how the hell he knew about the wedding in the first place. Something screams Noah, but the sneakiness of it has Henley written all over it. I think we’re going to have a lot to talk about over dinner tonight.
I don’t know how I ever came out of that depression and truth be told; I think I’m still kind of there. Spencer was like a little piece of magic thrust upon me He kept me going. He kept me sane, and he never allowed me to fall. But here I am.
I grab something to wear and search out a towel before heading down to the bathroom and ignoring my parents' piercing voices. I’m just about to step into the shower when I remember the bucket.
Shit. Without a doubt mom will walk in there to deal with it and I don’t want her having to clean up after my mistakes, especially after all the mistakes she’s already had to clean up when it comes to me and Noah.
I double back to my room, grab the bucket while trying my hardest not to gag. I push my way back into the bathroom and deal with my mess before finally giving myself a few minutes of peace to shower. I clear my head and focus solely on the hot water cascading down over me. At this moment, no one exists. There’s no Spencer to deal with, no Rivers to torture myself over, no Henley and Noah to be apologizing to. No one. Just me and the hot water.
I scrub myself, trying to wash away the memory of last night before washing my hair and realizing it smells strongly of my past. When the water begins running cold, sadness seeps into my chest. I’m not ready for this shower to be over. The second I step out of here, I’m going to have to face the real world and right now, the real world terrifies me.
What happened to me? I used to be so strong and so sure of myself. This person that I’ve become isn’t me. I miss the old Tully. I miss the girl who would stand up for what she believed in and was able to tell it like it is. I’m barely even a shell of that girl now and I want her back.
The next hour passes in a blur. At some point, I find some pain-killers that were left on my bedside table and throw them down the hatch while mom shoves something in my face to eat, only that makes me want to hurl all over again. I ask dad to drop me back at my apartment as I don’t think it’s a good idea to be driving, and before I know it, I’m collapsing down onto my couch, absolutely loving the silence of my empty home.
I’ve lived here for nearly three years and have enjoyed every moment of my independence. When Noah got his own place with Henley, it left me the sole focus of my mother’s attention and while I love her dearly, I was in no state for that constant hovering.
Now living on my own, I feel as free as a bird and I’ve never looked back. Besides, there’s nothing quite like your own private space to throw yourself a pity party and wallow in all of your doubts, hurt, and pain.
My breathing slows and my eyes grow heavy as I toe the line of unconsciousness. I’m just about to fall over the edge when I hear the familiar sound of a key sliding into the lock.
I groan to myself. I knew Spencer was coming over, but I’ve never regretted giving him a key so much. All I want is to sleep for the next week or so. Candice can handle the store and everyone else can get lost.
The door creaks open and I hear Spencer’s voice calling out. “Babe? Are you home?” he says moments before the door clicks shut behind him.
“Over here,” I grumble from the couch, not bothering to open my eyes.
Spencer walks across the room and stops before me, looking down at me as a breathy chuckle escapes him. “Shit. you’ve had better days, huh?”
I open one eye and glare up at him. “Really? You want to start this by reminding me how shitty I look?”
“Tully,” he scoffs. “You could be covered head to toe in crap and still look like a radiant fucking beauty queen.”
I groan as I sit myself up on the couch and drop my face into my hands. “You’re such a suck-up.”
Spencer lets out a heavy breath before dropping down onto the couch beside me. He doesn’t touch me and I don’t attempt to reach out to him.
We sit in heavy silence, both with way too much on our minds to know where to even begin. It’s not until Spencer leans forward and rests his elbows upon his knees that he finally says something. “I fucked up. I drank way too much and talked shit.”
I nod, unable to disagree with him. “You did.”
He lets out a sigh, staring at the carpet and refusing to look at me. “It’s just that I saw you breaking over Rivers and it reminded me that no matter what; I’m always going to be second place to him.”
My head whips around to Spencer in shock. “What are you talking about? Why would you say that?”
“Come on, Tully. You know it’s true. It’s always been him when it comes to you. How am I supposed to be with you knowing that just the sight of another man can tear you to shreds?”
I shake my head as tears begin to fill my eyes. “Don’t do this, Spencer. I need you more than you know.”
Regret shines brightly in his eyes as he reaches out and places his hand on my thigh. He gives it a gentle squeeze. “I don’t want to. I love you so goddamn much, but what does that say about me? Am I a fool because I’m holding onto someone who can never fully commit to me because she can’t get over her ex? I’ve loved you with everything I have. I’ve given you everything you could possibly need, but it’s never enough for you. I can’t keep being shut down by you. You’re slowly killing me, Tully.”
I fly into him, climbing up onto his lap and looking into the eyes of the man that has been my rock for the past four years. “Spencer, no. Please don’t. I don’t want him. I want to be with you. I know that you’ve given me the world. This is just one setback. We’ll get through it. I promise you, we will.”
His arms curl around me and he pulls me into his chest, holding me just the way he knows that I need. “I don’t know what to do,” he murmurs. “Rivers sent your whole world spiraling last night and seeing you unable to even function tore me apart. It should be me who has the ability to affect you like that, not him.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, burying my face into his neck and breathing him in as my tears soak into his shirt. “I was just in shock and all the hurt that he caused me since I was eleven years old came back to haunt me, and I just…I couldn’t breathe. It was too much, but I swear, Spence, it’s over. I’m through with him. I don’t want anything to do with Rivers. I want you. I want to make this work.”
Spencer pulls me back to look into my eyes and the hurt on his face is nearly enough to tear me to shreds. I hate that I’ve put it there, but I need him to fight for this. I can’t have my heart broken again, I just can’t. I won’t survive it.
He looks absolutely shattered and I see him breaking as dread fills me. His head finally falls and he rests it against mine as he holds me a little tighter. “Ok,” he murmurs making my heart finally stop racing. “But I need you to do one thing for me.”
“Anything,” I tell him, searching out his hands so I can lace my fingers through his.
“I need you not to see him. I can’t have him in your life.”
My brows dip down as I pull back to look at him. “What? I…I can’t do that.”
“Please, babe. Look what happened to you last night. I can’t have you breaking down like this every time he’s near. You’ll never move on like that.”
I continue staring at him, wondering what’s possibly going through his head. “Rivers is my family,” I remind him on a whisper. “I can’t just not see him. I need to…”
“Need to what? Make sure he’s doing alright? Sit by his side when he’s having a shit time? You’ve already put Anton away and made sure he had a home to come back to. Haven’t you already done enough?”
I shake my head. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like?” he snaps at me, making me lean back on his lap. “I’m having a real fucking tough time trying to work it out. You tell me that you don’t love him anymore, you tell me you want to make it work between us, you tell me that it’s over with him, yet the second you see him you turn into a mess, and now this?”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Do you not trust me when I tell you that I want to be with you? He hurt me, Spence. I don’t want to be with him. I can’t risk it.”
“But you still love him.”
“I don’t.”
“And I don’t fucking believe you.”
He pushes me off his lap and gets up from the couch before storming to the door, leaving me gaping behind him. “Spencer, don’t go.”
He stops by the door and lets out a heavy breath as he turns to look back at me. “Are you going to stop seeing him or not?”
I stare at him as I think it over. Spencer is right, for my own health and wellbeing, I should probably be avoiding spending any time with the guy, but something tells me that Spencer’s request comes from a place of jealousy rather than wanting to look out for me. If this was any other guy, I’d probably be able to deal with it, but it’s not. It’s Rivers and the thought of not seeing him kills me. I only just got him back. How could I possibly lose that again?
No matter what happened in our past, Rivers is my family. He may not be blood, but he’s so much more. He’s my pack. He’s the person I gave my heart to when I was eleven and he’s the one who still holds it in his hands, refusing to ever give it back.
I shake my head as I look up at Spencer. “I’m sorry,” I whisper across the room. “I can’t do that.”
“Right,” he says, looking at me with regret. “Then I can’t do this.”
With that, he walks out the door, leaving me gasping for breath.
Chapter 6
Rivers
Hot water cascades down over my back as I stand in the shower. All I’ve been able to think about over the past two days is that wedding. The way she looked, the way she felt, the way she cried. It’s always Tully and forever will be. Hell, I haven’t even spared a thought for the fact that my sister and best friend just got married.
I spent all of yesterday pacing around my home, convincing myself not to go and find her. I woke up way too early and worked out, just trying to give myself a reason to stay put. A visit from me is really not what she needs right now.
After how much she drank at the wedding, she would have spent the majority of the day in bed and then I’d assume that she spent what was left of her day trying to work things out with Spencer. They didn’t exactly end things that night on a good note, and I’d dare say that I might have had a little something to do with that.
I feel for the guy. Kind of. I stand by my claim that he’s a douche. At least he was in high school and he certainly hasn’t done anything to prove otherwise, but having a woman like Tully hating on you is not easy, especially when your heart is caught up in it. So yeah, I feel for him…just a bit
I spent what was left of my day catching up with Noah and Henley, that was until Henley tugged on Noah’s arm and told him that they had dinner plans. She never clarified what dinner plans they had, but something tells me they were heading to see Tully and make sure she was alright.
Noah and Henley will be heading out for their honeymoon this morning. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re already at the airport waiting to board their flight to Italy. I don’t doubt that they’ve been looking forward to this trip, but when they were here talking about it yesterday, they couldn’t seem less interested.
They never admitted it but they’re hesitant to go. They’re worried about Tully and how she’s going to handle me being home, but they shouldn’t worry themselves. I know I’m the problem, but I’m also the solution. I’m not going to hurt her and they should know that no matter what, I’m going to be there for her, even if it’s so she has someone to use as a punching bag.
As much as I want Noah and Henley to go and enjoy their honeymoon, I can’t help but want them to stay. They hold all the answers to Tully’s last four years and I want nothing more than to get every last bit of information out of them. I want to know it all. I feel as though I’ve missed so much of their lives and I need it to survive. They’re my pack and I’ve been missing too much.
There was a time when it was just the four of us. Whatever was happening in our lives, we all knew. That dynamic has shifted and I don’t like it.
I fucked it all up when I left. I don’t regret leaving, but I regret leaving her behind.
I turn off the taps and step out of the shower. It’s only ten in the morning and after spending yesterday fucking around, I’m quickly running out of things to keep me busy. I could always go and pay both of my parents a visit, but…fuck that.
Henley sent me a few letters over the past four years keeping me updated with our parents and I have to say, when that first one came that explained how she was going to attempt to get my mother out of prison, I was in shock, but as the letter went on and Henley detailed her innocence, I started to believe it. That’s when the guilt hit.
I was only a kid when I went to the cops and told them about the dirty little business my mother was running. I had Anton in my ear and I’ve felt nothing but disgust in myself since the second it happened.
What kind of twelve-year-old kid puts their mother behind bars?
I felt sick. I hardly knew what prostitution was and allowed my father to cloud my mind with his judgment. I let him control me. I was a pawn used in his twisted games. I was never a son, but a soldier.
Breaking away from that shit was the best thing I ever did. Well, I never really broke away until I joined the Military, but finding Noah and Tully went a long way to help heal something inside of me.
Being my father’s son wasn’t easy. It was a life filled with darkness and at that time, Noah and Tully were the only good I had in my world. I didn’t want to risk losing them or allowing them to discover who I really was. I was the broken kid and what parents would want their child to hang out with me? I couldn’t risk losing them, not for one second.
I never once told them what I’d done and I refused to tell them about my family. Who I was or where I lived. Hell, for a few years, I didn’t even know where I lived. I was part-time between staying at Anton’s place and running back home to an empty house. Half the time, I’d crash on Violet’s couch and I’ve always been grateful for the fact that she never asked questions.
Well, that’s not entirely true. She did at first and I can’t blame her for her curiosity, it’s only natural, but there came a point where Violet gave up asking. They all did and when that finally happened, I felt a wave of relief rush over me.
Though, I’ve never felt more relieved than when I h
eard Tully tell Spencer that she loved him and realized that she didn’t wholeheartedly mean it. Nothing will ever compare to the moment that I realized that she was still mine.
I get myself dressed and ready for the day while doing my best to stop thinking about my girl. I’ve just come back from a war zone. I should be concentrating on the shit I saw over there and checking on my boys instead of endlessly thinking about a girl who wants nothing to do with me.
I doubt that I’ll be deployed for a while so that leaves me with way too much time to myself. I need to find something to do, something to keep me busy and keep me from bugging Tully, and I guess for now, that means rebuilding the Firebird.
I step outside and make my way over to the massive blue tarpaulin covering the old car and with one quick pull, I rip it off and expose the mess beneath.
Damn. It looks worse every time I see it.
I remember the day I got it, I was so damn proud of myself. It was such a big fucking deal. To everyone else, it was just a car, but to me, it was my first step towards freedom. It wasn’t long until some fucker ran a red light, took out the car, and almost fucking killed Tully in the process.
I’ve never forgotten that moment. It was my turning point. I had always said that she was better off without me and seeing her fighting for life was when I realized that I had to get out. She needed better. They all did. I was only going to bring them down into my darkness and the only way to escape it was for me to disappear.
With a sigh, I begin looking over the Firebird and working out what the hell I’m going to need to make this thing look brand fucking new. It’s not going to be a small job and it’s not going to be cheap, but I’ve got nothing but time. Though I should really look into getting a car to drive in the meantime, otherwise there will be a lot of taxis and walking in my future, and how am I supposed to get my girl back like that?
Unstoppable: Haven Falls (Book 7) Page 6