But now…things seem different with him. He seems open, willing…wanting. And I’m terrified of letting him because when it comes down to it, nothing has really changed. While he seems different, he’s still that stranger I fell in love with at eleven.
Everything I know about him, I’ve discovered through other people. I don’t know the real him, the him that he’s kept hidden from us for so long. How does he expect anyone to be ok with that? When it comes to me, he knows every tiny little detail about my life. He knows what makes me tick, what I like, and how I love. With him, there have been many things that I’ve been able to learn over the years, but yet he’s still a closed book.
I don’t know if I could even consider moving forward with a friendship with him without knowing who he really is, but then, I’m also terrified of learning all the dark things that he’s worked so hard to keep hidden from me.
It won’t change my perspective of him though. He was dealt a shitty hand in life and judging by the way he walks with his head held so high, I’d dare say he’s come right out the other end, stronger and braver than ever before. He’s making a life for himself and I don’t doubt that he’s going to be just fine. Perfect in fact.
Shit. Why do I have to love him like this?
All I’ve wanted for the past four years was to forget him, but it’s impossible. I’ll never be able to move on until he finally gives my heart back and I have a feeling he’ll be holding onto it as hard as he can. My heart is never coming back to me and one of these days, I’m going to learn how to function without it.
I pull myself out of my turmoil. I’ve spent every night over the past two weeks falling into this endless cycle of thinking about boys who I should be trying to put behind me, but every night I fail. Not even Netflix and ice cream can save me.
Glancing up at the clock, I realize that Spencer should be home from work. He spent four years of college dominating the football team, but when it came to signing a contract afterward, the luck just wasn’t there. That was a major downfall for him, but nobody can deny that what he’d achieved in his short football career was incredible. Not many others could say that they’ve done what he’s done.
That was only five months ago and I’d dare say the pain from that is still living strong within him.
And now this…
Great! Another reason that points out how much of a bitch I am. I should get the words ‘Pathetic bitch’ tattooed across my forehead so people know to keep away.
I scoop the ring up off the counter and close the lid. If I don’t do this now, then I may never do it. Spencer is the kind of guy who likes to worry. If something was said or done, he likes it resolved so I don’t doubt that over the past two weeks he’s been concerned about me. He always has been, even during that year before we actually got together.
Things really suck on my end, but I need to show him that I’m doing ok and that I don’t hold it against him, otherwise he’s never going to let it go. He’s constantly going to worry about me, despite the fact that he shouldn’t. I don’t deserve his concern.
I drop the ring into my handbag and double check my reflection in the mirror. There have been way too many times that I’ve caught my reflection over the last two weeks only to find mascara smudged all over my face. If I’m going to show Spencer that I’m doing ok and tell him that he made the right decision, then I need to act the part.
He doesn’t need to know that I’ve been a mess. No one does, though there is one person who will know even if I don’t say a word. He just…he always knows.
After getting myself cleaned up and out the door, I pull up in front of Spencer’s home and look up at it. Spencer and I shared a lot of memories here, even though he bought the place when he probably shouldn’t have.
He bought it with the inheritance that he’d received from his grandmother who had passed when he was twenty-one, right before he proposed for the second time. He had this big vision of us living here and starting a family together which was his big dream. But he dropped this news on me only six months after I purchased my dream apartment and at that time, I felt as though he wasn’t listening to anything that I wanted. Actually, I don’t think he ever did.
It was always about the big dream of getting married and having a family, but not once did I say that’s what I wanted. In fact, I went out of my way to make sure he understood that, but the proposals kept coming with the assumption that I just wasn’t ready.
He needs to find a girl who’s willing to fall at his feet and give him the world he wants.
Don’t get me wrong, marriage and babies have always been the dream for me, but I just couldn’t see it happening with him. I don’t know. Maybe there’s someone out there somewhere who’s going to fall at my feet and make my heart explode with love…or maybe I should start buying cats.
I grab my handbag and get out of my car before taking my sweet time walking to the door. Do I knock or just walk straight in like I used to?
Shit. Why do I feel so nervous?
I let out a shaky breath and pull on my big girl panties. It’s just Spencer.
I knock on the door and stand there awkwardly, just now realizing that I have no idea what I’m going to say to him. I start to search every deep corner of my brain for the right thing, but nothing comes up and before I know it, it’s too late.
The door swings open and Spencer stands before me with a welcoming smile that quickly drops into a frown marred with concern. “Um…hi,” I say like a dork, giving him a stupid as fuck little wave.
He stands there gaping at me for a moment and it’s clear he doesn’t know what to say either when a softness creeps into his features and he reaches out for me. “Come here,” he murmurs, pulling me into his arms and crushing me into his chest.
My arms instinctively fly up around him and I find comfort in his familiarity. “I’m sorry,” I tell him as I try to hold back tears. “I just…”
“It’s ok. You don’t need to say anything.”
We stand in each other’s arms for a short moment as we each find ourselves and it’s not long before I hear the sound of the door closing behind me and find myself in the middle of the small living room.
Spencer’s hands come up and he takes hold of my upper arms, but doesn’t step away. His thumbs rub back and forth over my skin. “Are you ok?”
“I think so,” I murmur into his chest. “You?”
“I will be.”
I nod and take a deep breath, breathing him in one last time before stepping back.
“Did you want to come in?”
I look up at him with a slight cringe. “No, I, ah…shouldn’t.” I dig through my bag and pull out the ring which only makes him cringe. I hand it over and his fingers linger on mine for a moment too long. “I wanted to give you this back.”
He takes the ring from me as he presses his lips into a tight line and stares down at it. “Thanks,” he says slowly before looking back up at me. “Listen, Tully. I’m sorry about how I ended it. I didn’t mean for it to be…you kno, so quick.”
I shrug my shoulders. “Just like ripping off a band-aid. Sometimes things are better done quickly.”
He shakes his head. “Not this. I was insensitive and only thinking about what I was feeling and I think that meant hurting you more than what was necessary.”
“No,” I tell him. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve realized that you were right. I should have ended it with you when I first realized that it wasn’t right. I strung you along for so long because I was terrified of getting hurt and in doing that, I hurt you. I treated you unfairly and you deserve so much better than that.”
“I can’t disagree with that, but you’re not the only one at fault,” he says with a slight smile before reaching out and tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. “I knew from the very start that you’d already given your heart away, but I wanted to make you happy and I think for a while that maybe I did. After the second proposal was when I realized that I could be fight
ing a losing battle, but I saw how much you needed me in your life and I wasn’t ready to let you go. In hindsight, maybe it would have been healthier for you had I left back then. Maybe you would have had a chance to heal on your own, but I liked the idea that you depended on me. I liked that I was your constant and even though I shouldn’t have, I gave you all of me because I held onto hope that maybe one day you’d be able to do the same.”
“I’m so sorry, Spencer.”
“Don’t be sorry, Tully. That was my mistake and it was a risk that I was willing to take. But don’t think for one second that I regret any of it. I loved you so much and every day with you was an adventure. I was happy to share the spotlight with the memory of a man that I was certain was never coming back…”
“But now he is,” I finish for him.
“Now he is and I don’t think there’s enough spotlight for the two of us.”
I step back into him and raise my chin so I look up into his pained eyes. “I don’t think you deserve to ever have to share the spotlight with anyone.”
Spencer’s arm curls around me and his lips gently brush over mine. “You’re right,” he whispers. “I don’t and I won’t ever do that to myself again.”
I nod until he drops his forehead to mine and holds me in silence once again, just the sound of our breathing between us. It’s almost the perfect goodbye, that is until he goes and ruins the moment. “Are you going to get back together with him?”
I shake my head. “No. I’d be a fool to allow him back in just as you’d be a fool to do the same with me.”
“You say that now, but when it comes down to it, I don’t know if you’ll have the strength to tell him no.”
“I have to,” I whisper. “I can’t go through that with him again.”
“As much as it kills me to say it, but maybe you should. Your heart has always belonged to him, Tully. Maybe you’re not going to find your happiness until you go back home.”
“No.”
“At least do yourself a favor and think it over,” he tells me before releasing me once again. “Has he come and made his intentions known?”
I look down at the floor, feeling a little uncomfortable talking to my very recent ex about another man. “He has.”
“And?”
“And nothing. I’m not prepared to go back there,” I tell him. “Are you just pushing this because you feel bad about your date with Lacey?”
Spencer’s eyes fly open and guilt instantly begins coming over him. “How’d you hear about that?”
I mask my pain. Ever since I first heard about it, I’ve been holding onto the hope that maybe they’d been hanging out as friends, but the look on his face tells me that maybe there’s a little more to the story, and I think it’s a story that I’m not ready to be listening to. “Candice has a big mouth,” I remind him.
“Shit. I should have known,” he winces. “Are you ok with this? It was more of a friend thing, but there could be something more. I just…I didn’t want you getting hurt because of it.”
“No, it’s fine. It was a bit of a shock that you’d been out with a girl so soon, but you deserve to find someone who’ll treat you right. Just don’t go parading it around, at least, not just yet, you know. It’s still a bit fresh.”
“I promise.”
I nod as I take a step back towards the door and grab the handle behind my back. “I think maybe I should get going,” I tell him, feeling the emotions beginning to creep up on me.
“Are you sure? Have you eaten? I could get you dinner.”
“Bad idea, Spence. Besides, I was going to grab take out on the way home. You know how I feel about Chinese food.”
His eyes narrow suspiciously. “Really? So, you’re telling me you’re not lying and you’re not actually planning on stopping by the gas station to get endless tubs of ice cream?”
A smile spreads across my face. “So, what if I am?”
“Well, then remember not to get the caramel one. You never seem to like it as much.”
“I won’t,” I whisper as I pull the door open. I step out into the night before looking back through the door and taking in the man who helped me through so very much. “You know I really do love you, right?”
“I know,” he smiles, walking forward and pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I love you too, Tully, but get your fine ass out of here before I drop to my knees and start begging for you to come back.”
I do as I’m told and get my ass out the door because seeing him on his knees, begging for me back might just have me doing something stupid like agreeing.
Knowing that he doesn’t hate me has something settling in my heart and I realize that I’m going to be ok. I can put it all behind me and start working on moving past Rivers.
Maybe Spencer will end up with Lacey or maybe not, all I know is that at the end of the day, I’m going to be doing everything I can to make sure he somehow remains in my life.
Spencer was an incredible friend before he became more than that and I hate myself for hurting him. I know things might be a bit rough as both our hearts are healing, but I’m happy knowing that one day, it’s going to get better.
I get myself home and crash down into bed with my tub of ice cream while scanning through Netflix for something to watch. It’s been two long weeks of agony and confusion, but for the first time in those long weeks, I'm finally starting to feel at peace.
Chapter 10
Rivers
Fuck me. I’m so lame.
If this was any other girl, I’d be arrested for stalking her, but Tully knows better. She knows that I need to be close to her and seeing as though she hasn’t told me to fuck off yet, I’m assuming she’s cool with my random walk-bys. Though, it’s getting harder not to walk my ass in there and tell her enough is enough.
I’ve let her mope for the past two weeks. The first few days were hard because she looked so damn broken. There was a look in her eye that told me to back the hell off and give her some time to think and I’ve been doing just that, but how long is this going to go on for?
I haven’t spoken a word to her since I barged through her apartment, but something has changed. For two weeks she’s looked pained, confused, and hurt. Some of the days she even looked downright pissed off, but today…she looks like the old Tully.
I’ve been working on my Firebird and working out to pass the time because there’s really not a lot to do around here when my best friend is in Italy with my sister and the love of my life is too busy re-perfecting her glare in case she needs to start using it again. She used to give me the filthiest glare every time I managed to piss her off. It was sexy as hell and since leaving for the military, I haven’t seen it, but something tells me it’s going to make a come back one of these days. Though there are a lot of things she used to do that I’m noticing she doesn’t do anymore, me being one of them.
I spent most of last week pulling the Firebird apart and working out what parts need to be scrapped and what can be saved, and so far, it’s actually looking better than I thought. Most of the damage was to the body of the car, but the engine still has a shot at being brought back from the dead. So, this week has been all about searching for the parts that I need to make it happen.
I can’t wait to see Noah’s face when I fire it up. The fucker is convinced that I can’t do it, and just because he thinks that, I’ve got all the more motivation to prove him wrong. Fuck, nothing feels better than proving Noah Cage wrong. Henley can vouch for me on that one. I’d bet anything that she’d get the same thill out of it that I do.
When I’m not working on the Firebird or obsessing over Tully, I’ve been working out, which is exactly what I’ve been doing this afternoon. I spent a good hour doing weights and the past thirty minutes running through Haven Falls which is how I ended up here. I always end up here, but today, I think I might hang around for a bit.
I find myself dropping down onto the bench to watch her. Tully clocked me the second I came into view and hasn’t taken h
er eyes off me since. This has been our routine for the past two weeks. I come past, check that she’s doing ok, and then I keep going. Sometimes I stay for a moment and sometimes she gives me a smile that puts everything at ease and has me happy to leave her be.
Today though, I ain’t going anywhere.
She’s so goddamn beautiful. She has a black shirt with her ‘Read My Tulips’ logo across the back that hugs her frame just beautifully. She was wearing this shirt the day I’d come across her store and she may have a million pairs of the same shirt, but this particular one seems just a little bigger on her.
I highly doubt that she ordered a shirt a size too big which could only mean that she’s lost weight over the past two weeks. Though I don’t know how it’s possible. She’s most likely been curled up on her couch watching Netflix and eating ice cream. Not exactly healthy but it’s not as though her body isn’t used to that kind of torture. Eating endless tubs of ice cream has been her go to thing since before I met her. That and chicken nuggets of course.
The realization has my jaw clenching and I have to remind myself of all the reasons why I should be staying put right now. Why the hell hasn’t Spencer been picking her up on it? Someone needs to be shoving hamburgers down her throat.
My fingers start to twitch. There’s a takeout store just down the road. I could go down there, get her something to eat, put it down in front of her and back away, but with that fire in her eyes today, she’d most likely throw it back at me. But fuck, I wouldn’t even care because I love that fire.
My phone rings and I welcome the distraction. I dig it out of my pocket and grin down at Noah’s name. “Well, if it isn’t the biggest fuckhead in all of Haven Falls,” I grin.
“What the fuck did you do to Tully? She hasn’t answered my calls in two weeks.”
Unstoppable: Haven Falls (Book 7) Page 10