CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
What Erin had asked, no demanded, of me was going to be the toughest thing I’d ever done. I needed to own up to my sins, and I’d never done that in my life. Even worse, if I knew Ashleigh at all, she wasn’t the forgiving type. I wondered just how many pounds of flesh she’d require of me before she forgave me. Or if she would simply refuse to, and I’d have to go back to Erin with a weak ‘I tried.’
The alternative was giving up Erin for good, and I couldn’t face it. I knew she didn’t have the same feelings for me as I had for her, but I could try to make her have them, couldn’t I? Or was it simply a case of wanting what I couldn’t have?
What I needed was a plan. And the plan needed to be something that made me happy, so I could live with it long-term. That it would include a very painful scene with Ashleigh was a given, but there was no choice about that. Once that was out of the way, no matter what the outcome, I had to have a plan to win Erin over. When the idea came to me, I thought it was perfect.
I’d adopt the dog. Not just as a ploy, but because I genuinely liked the rascal. He and I had become pretty good friends on our trips to Boulder. It was true that I’d been delegating that task to my junior assistant, but I had things running pretty well for the past few days. I could spare the time. Besides, it wouldn’t be forever. Another three weeks, the therapist had said. Then it was just a matter of letting him heal and allowing him to learn to use the leg again. I knew Erin had an issue with me about Max, though I wasn’t sure what it was. That night I’d brought him in, the disapproval had crackled off her like a 4th of July sparkler.
She’d been spectacular…taking over, doing what needed to be done with eyes and attention only for the dog. Sure, she’d been a bit of a mess. Her lab coat was filthy, her hair escaping what I’d come to know was her standard French braid. Even a smudge or two on her face, if I remembered right. But the strength in her, that had called to something in me. The strength, coupled with a vulnerability that I didn’t recognize until later, and didn’t understand until she told me about her douche of an ex.
How could he have done what he did to her? Use her like that, and then just walk away? It was inconceivable…and then it hit me. Suddenly I knew why she was so upset about my relationship with Ashleigh. God, how could I have missed that? The similarity…it must have given her so much pain to realize she was in the other woman position, knowing how she felt as the injured party. And here I’d been trying to justify it all this time, describing my actions as valid, when her ex had done the same thing, and they weren’t valid at all. I punched the wall in my office, hard, putting a hole through the drywall and hurting my hand like a motherfucker. How could I fix this?
Maybe I couldn’t. Maybe it wasn’t fixable, and I didn’t mean the wall. But, I had to try. Before I lost my courage, I called Erin and asked her if she’d be my guest at the resort staff New Year’s Eve party. Not a date, I insisted. I knew she didn’t want that. I had something to show her, and I’d be honored if she’d come.
Erin told me that she might have guests, she wasn’t sure. “Bring them with you,” I said. “The more the merrier.” I was so giddy with my new understanding that I didn’t care if she brought her entire family and the whole state of Texas to witness my probable humiliation.
“I’ll see what they want to do,” she said. It was the best I’d get. But I wasn’t done. After I disconnected that call, I called Rowland Egren.
“I owe you an apology,” I said.
“You sure do, you fucker,” he answered.
“I deserved that. I’d like to mend fences, if I can. I still don’t agree with the way you were taking the resort, and I’m not going to step down. But, you’re one of the largest shareholders. We need to get along. I’d like to invite you to the New Year’s Eve party for starters.”
“You have an interesting way of treating your friends, Miles,” he said.
“I want to publicly apologize for the way it went down,” I said. “It was cowardly, I realize that now. If you’ll come to the party, I’ll ask you to forgive me in front of everyone, if you’ll let me.”
“I think I’d like that. What about Ashleigh?”
“If she’ll come, bring her too. I owe her an apology, too.”
“We’ll be there.” His tone was so smug that I wondered if I were making the biggest mistake of my life. I knew what I had to say, but I had no control over what either Egren would say. Allowing myself to be humiliated in front of people who reported to me, losing their respect and their confidence—what would it do to my credibility? Once again I told myself there was no choice, and indeed now there wasn’t. What I’d set in motion would play out without my choreographing it, for better or for worse. I could only hope it would have the result I wanted; the return of my self respect, along with Erin’s wholehearted forgiveness and a chance to win her for mine.
There was no point in waiting for New Year’s Eve to tell her I wanted to adopt Max, though. The day after Christmas was slow in the office, though the slopes were crawling with skiers. Even though the therapist was out of town for the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn’t go at the usual time to visit and maybe take him out for some bonding that didn’t include therapy.
I found Megan reading a magazine that she quickly closed when I walked in the door. Cosmo, which I thought might be inappropriate for a girl her age, but it was none of my business. “Erin in?”
“Yeah, go on back,” she said, accustomed to my comings and goings by now.
I surprised Erin, who jumped with a little squeal when I said “hi” from behind her back. She’d had her head deep in a storage closet and hadn’t heard me coming.
“You scared me to death,” she said.
“Sorry. Can I play with Max?”
Erin laughed. “You sound like a little boy. Yes, you can play with Max. No therapy today?”
“No, she’s out of town. But I didn’t want Max to miss my visit. Hey, Erin, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”
Her face closed down as she sighed.
“Not that,” I said. “Not this time, anyway. I’ve been thinking. I’d like to adopt Max.”
My words transformed Erin, truly made her bloom in front of my eyes. Her cheeks turned a delightful shade of pink, her eyes sparkled, and for a minute I thought she might hug me. I was disappointed in that hope, though. No hug, but she smiled at me so brilliantly that it took my breath away. I wished I could walk in and volunteer to adopt a dog every day, if that was the effect it had on her.
“Are you sure, Jon? Rescuing a dog comes with a lot of responsibility. Sure, he’s a sweetheart, and he’s been a perfect gentleman here, but we don’t know what he went through before you hit him. He could have anxieties we don’t know about, which might manifest in unfortunate episodes. He could mark your furniture, tear up your carpet, you just don’t know.”
“I’m sure. He’s grown on me, Erin. I don’t think I can give him up to someone else. If he needs training, I’ll get him trained. Just tell me when he’s ready to go home with me, and I’ll deal with whatever comes next.”
“That’s so good of you! I’m so glad he won’t have to go with a stranger. I know he likes you. Let’s go tell him the good news.”
Erin talked to Max as if he really understood what she was saying, and maybe he did. Every time she said “You’re a good boy,” his tail thumped the floor and he smiled his doggy smile. When she opened his kennel, I slapped the side of my leg to call him to me.
“Come,” I commanded, and Max came to my side easily, then sat at my command. “Someone’s taught him the basics, it looks like,” I remarked.
“Yes, I think so, too. Maxie, Jon’s going to take you home with him forever,” she cooed, holding the noble golden head between her hands and looking earnestly into his eyes. Max gazed back at her, thumping his tail just a little, as if he was uncertain what she was telling him. “Good boy!” Max made as if to lick her face, his tail thumping faster, t
hen.
“He’s happy,” she declared. Maybe she could read his body language, his breathing or the look in his eyes. I could read hers, and I knew she was happy. And I was happy to make her happy.
“Have you heard from your friends? Are we on for the New Year’s Eve party at the resort?” Even though I knew it would make her close down again, I had to know if she’d be there. My plans would go through whether or not she showed up, but it would be perfect if she did.
“I uninvited them.”
‘You what?”
“I don’t want them here. They’re a part of my old life, and they didn’t act like friends should when they chose not to tell me about Greg and Dani. I called Cass and told her maybe I’d be able to forgive them eventually, but for now I need some time.”
“Wow. You hold your friends to some high standards. That scares me, I have to admit. So, does that mean you’ll come?”
“I suppose I’ll have to. Otherwise I’ll be alone on New Year’s Eve, and even I’m not that big a martyr.”
“Great, Erin, you won’t regret it. Doc will be there, too, in case you need someone to kiss at midnight.” She laughed, even though she gave me a speculative look. Maybe she thought I had ulterior motives, and I did, but they were long-term. If I happened to catch her alone at midnight, I’d kiss her, and maybe I’d get slapped for my efforts. But that wasn’t what it was about. I wanted her to see for herself my heartfelt apology to Ashleigh. I wanted her to know that I got it, why she was so adamant.
~*~
On Friday, Doc called. He’d received the results of the extended testing and wanted me to be there with him when he opened the envelope. My heart was hitting the walls of my chest with enough force to break out and go running down the street when I got to his house, and Doc must have been watching for me, because he snatched the door open as soon as my foot hit the porch.
“God, Jon, I haven’t been this nervous since I took my first certification exam,” he confessed.
“Me, too, Doc. But just remember, no matter what the results are, we’ve found each other as friends. We’ll always have that.”
Doc put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed, I thought more for his own reassurance than mine. He seemed elderly, though he was a hale and hearty sixty-year-old. They said sixty is the new forty. At the moment, though, he was showing the emotions and physical characteristics of an eighty-year-old.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s open it,” I said. We could see what it said, get past that and then decide how we’d carry on after that. I held my breath as he slit the envelope with a letter opener and drew out the page within.
Both of us let out our breath with a whoosh as we saw the large word at the top of the page: INCONCLUSIVE. He’d paid for the extra testing and we’d waited for the results on pins and needles, all in vain. Bitter disappointment washed through me. I didn’t know whether it was because Doc wasn’t definitely my father or whether it was just the not knowing in general, but I felt as if I’d been punched in the stomach. Doc’s hands were shaking as he read the rest of the page, a tear in his eye threatening to fall. His shoulders slumped and I put my arm around him.
“They’ve got to have an exclusionary specimen,” he said, having gathered the gist of the report on first scan. “We’ll never know.”
He seemed so dejected that I spoke without thinking it through. “Yes, we will. We have to find my mother and make her tell us. She must know. She has to.”
Doc shook his head. “She must have thought it was your dad, Jon. Otherwise she’d have named Jamie or me. Either that or she really didn’t know and your dad was the first one to accept responsibility. Leave her alone. Like you said, we’ll always have each other as friends.”
It wasn’t the same. I knew it and he knew it, and yet we both pretended it would be enough. I promised to come over to watch football with him on Sunday and took my leave, haunted by an emptiness that was new. Growing up with an absent mother and a cold father, I’d learned self-sufficiency. I didn’t need anyone and my confidence attracted a posse of boys my age that made me believe I was a leader. Now I was nothing. Not a son to my father, no one’s son. It was unbearable. By the time I’d reached my suite and had a drink, I was determined. No matter what Doc said, I was going to find my mother.
Realistically, I probably couldn’t do anything before the new year was well underway. Everyone was on a slowdown that would last through the weekend after the first, the result of two holidays back-to-back midweek. On the Monday after that, I would hire a private detective, knowing that they had better, more sophisticated methodology now than they’d had twenty years ago. Meanwhile, I idly brought up Facebook and plugged in her maiden name. Ellyn Eileen Gates, hometown Sunshine, CO. It was almost too easy.
~*~
I stared at the screen in shock. There, with her privacy settings wide open, was the woman who had to be my mother. Not only did her name, and hometown match, but I might as well have been looking in a mirror. Why hadn’t I thought of this before? From what I could see on her timeline, she’d been a Facebook subscriber for at least five years. Five years we’d never get back, not to mention the previous seventeen. I realized I was shaking as I gazed at her face.
She hadn’t changed. How could it be that she hadn’t changed? Had time passed her by, or stood still for her? Consumed with a need to know what her life was like, I scrolled through her picture albums. Plenty of nature shots, selfies with trees right behind her and distant mountains in the background, lakes and waterfalls and wildflowers. She loved nature, then. I hadn’t known or remembered that about her. Now and then another person in the shot, usually a woman, always smiling, their arms wrapped around each others’ waists. The same woman, every time. Was this a good friend, or something else? Could my mother have realized she was a lesbian and run away to be with her lover?
Impossible to know, impossible to guess. I looked at pictures for hours, every picture in her photo albums, and then started going through her posts. She had a sense of humor, it was plain to see. Less plain was her relationship with the woman. Her relationship status was ‘it’s complicated’. I hated that. You never knew what that meant. I didn’t see any shares that indicated a support of same-sex marriage, gays, rainbow coalition. Nor did I see anything that indicated she was with a man. Very little except cute memes featuring Maxine, links to YouTube videos of songs from the eighties and nineties. I had to know more.
If I sent her a friend request under my name, she might freak out, close down her account and disappear again. How could I keep that from happening? As if I hadn’t learned my lesson about deception the first time, I formed a plan and put it in motion before I thought too hard about it. I went through Mom’s favorites, found some books and movies I thought I could discuss, and created a new account. I borrowed Erin’s name, the first female name I thought of, paired it with a random last name—Johnson—and got a picture of Max off my phone for my profile shot. Then I set up my favorites to match Mom’s and posted a few memes. I’d have to be patient, but before long I’d send her a friend request on the strength of our ‘mutual interests’.
It never occurred to me that I was invading her privacy, or that she wouldn’t want me to find her. After all, it had been easy; she’d made it easy by using her real name, her real picture and wide-open privacy settings. Maybe I should have just boldly sent her a friend request as me, maybe that’s what she was hoping. But, I’d used stealth and strategic planning for so long that I acted as if it were the only way. Doing it that way almost cost me Erin’s friendship again, but that came later.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
I couldn’t think of disappointing Doc again, so I said nothing about having found Mom. The weekend flew by as I posted this or that, building up my fake persona until I judged it sufficient to seem like a real person. On Monday, I took Max to his therapy session, feeling for the first time that he was my dog.
I hadn’t signed anything official yet, and Erin hadn’t aske
d me to, but it was understood. Max was boarding at the clinic until Erin considered him ready to go home, and then I’d take him home and I’d be a pet owner. That was a big deal in Colorado, more so than anywhere she knew of, Erin told me. In Colorado, people would break your car windows if they saw an overheated pet in the car, would turn you in for animal abuse if you dragged a dog on a leash. Even people who couldn’t afford it spent a small fortune on accessories for their pets. It sounded normal to me, but Erin was amazed.
It was a couple of weeks away, still, but I needed to start thinking about a place of my own. I had a home in Boulder, but the commute didn’t appeal to me and I needed to be at the resort during working hours. I’d been staying in a suite since the night I brought Ashleigh up here to ski, and as the CEO I could probably get away with bringing Max here, but it was no place for an active dog. He needed a fenced yard to run in, and the truth was I needed a house of my own. I made an appointment with an agent to start house-hunting on Thursday, the day after New Year’s Day.
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